Friday Fun Stuff – 4-19-24

The Battle Of the PBS Stars – SCTV

Job Interview

Passover Pick Up Lines

15. Honey, on this night we are supposed to recline, so let’s get to It
14. After four cups of wine, you look like Cindy Crawford
13. Did that just say we were in bondage?
12. Don’t call it a bitter herb until you taste it…
11. I’m going to have to search you for chometz
10. Let’s play bury the shank bone.
9. Gefilte Fish jelly makes great lubricant.
8. Have you ever done It on a Seder plate?
7. Maybe when Elijah comes, we can make It a threesome.
6. Let’s make this night really different from all other nights.
S. May I climb your Mt. Sinai’s?
4. Would you like to play with my matzah balls?
3. Can I part your red sea?
2. I’ve got a Ramses in my pocket that wants to put you back Into slavery.

And the best Passover pick up line…

1. I bet I can make you sing Dayenu

Happy Passover

The Two Minute Seder (for those with limited patience and/or restless kids)

Opening Prayers:

Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.) Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)

Overview:

Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we’re free. That’s why we’re doing this.

Four Questions:

1. What’s up with the matzoh?
2. What’s the deal with horseradish?
3. What’s with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What’s this whole slouching at the table business?

Answers To The Four Questions:

1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like your grandmother’s horseradish.
3. It’s called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.

A Funny Story:

Once, these five rabbis talked all night. Then it was morning.

(Note: Heat soup now)

The Four Kinds Of Children and How To Deal With Them:

Wise child – explain Passover.
Simple child – explain Passover slowly.
Silent child – explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child – browbeat in front of the relatives.

Speaking Of Children:

We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.

The Story Of Passover:
It’s a long time ago. We’re slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare — a real yutz, as it were. We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God parts the Red Sea.

We make it through; the Egyptians aren’t so lucky. We wander forty years in the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years without being persecuted again.

(Note: Let brisket cool now.)

The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice, you name it.

The Singing Of “Dayenu:”

If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would’ve been enough. If he’d punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, it would’ve been enough. If he’d parted the Red Sea … etc.

(Note: Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now)

Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.

Thanks again, God, for everything.

SERVE MEAL

All Jewish holidays are the same, they tried to kill us, we survived, lets eat!

Annoying Things To Do At A Synagogue

1. Yell out “line” when reading from the Torah
2. Use your neighbor’s kippah as a Frisbee
3. Take up a collection plate
4. Take bets on when the ever-lasting light will burn out
5. Shout out “Praise Jesus!” after every prayer
6. Wear sandals and a robe and call everyone “my son”
7. Print out spark notes on the Torah and hand them out
8. Sing the words loud and off-tune
9. Bring popcorn and keep saying “I heard that religion got a good review”
10. Give a standing ovation at the end
11. Ask people if it’s Easter
12. Hand out Gideon Bibles
13. Ask people if they like Mel Gibson movies
14. Tell all the young kids that Adam Sandler isn’t Jewish

How Are Those Made?

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you’re going to smile when you think of this.

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

‘Do you know how they make these gloves?’ he asked.

‘No, I don’t,’ she replied.

‘Well,’ he spoofed, ‘there’s a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.

She didn’t crack a smile.

‘Oh, well. I tried,’ he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

What’s so funny? he asked.

‘I was just envisioning how condoms are made!’

(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)

Chocolate Facts

Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean is a vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are a plant, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

Another important thing is to put “eat chocolate” at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you’ll get one thing done.

Before I forget, a nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn’t that handy?

A special reminder: “Stressed” spelled backward is “desserts”!

Nuns

Two nuns sat at a traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside.

“Hey! Let’s see your tits, you stuck up penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are. Show them your cross.”

So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Screw off you little shits, before I come over there and rip your balls off!”

Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, “Was that cross enough?”

The World Shortest Books

- The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
- “Things I Wouldn’t Do for Money” by Dennis Rodman
- Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean
- America’s Most Popular Lawyers
- Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
- Detroit – A Travel Guide
- Different Ways to Spell “Bob”
- Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches
- Easy UNIX
- Everything Men Know About Women
- Everything Women Know About Men
- French Hospitality
- George Foreman’s Big Book of Baby Names
- “How to Sustain a Musical Career” by Art Garfunkel
- Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette
- “One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes” by the EPA
- Staple Your Way to Success
- The Amish Phone Directory
- The Engineer’s Guide to Fashion

The Penis Poem

My nookie days are over,
my pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal
is now my water spout!
Time was when, on its own,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now its just a full time job
To find the fucking thing!
It used to be Embarrassing
The way it would behave,
for every single morning
it would stand & watch me shave!
Now as old age approaches,
it sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head
& watch me tie my shoes!

What Woman Would Do If They Had A Penis For A Day

1O. Get ahead in corporate America
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up talking to other men at a urinal
6. Determine WHY you can’t hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it’s like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without a thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with erection to it feels as funny as it looks
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man’s eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9

Winning Job Application

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald’s fast-food establishment in Florida… and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU
FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Oh Please! Two, Three Thousand Years Tops