The Benny Hill Show
Italian Firing Squad
Original Pitch-Reel For The Muppet Show – 1976
You Know You’re In Trouble When…
…Your accountant’s letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
…Your suggestion box starts ticking.
…Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
…You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you’ve ever had.
…The simple instructions enclosed aren’t.
…People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
…You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
…The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
A 6 Foot Penguin
A man races inside a bar, panicking, sweating and downright worried. He turns to all the patrons and starts yelling:
“Does anyone own a 6 foot penguin!?” “does anyone own a 6 foot penguin!?”
Slowly all the patrons shake their head, all thinking he had just come from another bar.
The guy lowers his head, and as he walks out of the bar, he whispers to himself ….
”Fuck, I hit a nun”
Media And The End Of The World
USA Today: WE’RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria’s Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest: ‘BYE
Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSEN RATINGS SOAR!
Lady’s Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW “ARMAGEDDON” DIET!
Microsoft: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
Both Pills Do The Same Thing
The wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that “help” get an erection.
I’ll never forget the look on her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there’s no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day with the following exercises a week before the exam, you will be totally prepared for the test — and best of all — you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.
EXERCISE ONE: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible — and then lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn’t effective enough.
EXERCISE TWO: Go into your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just right. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
EXERCISE THREE: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
You are now properly prepared.
Products We Could Do Without!
Fingernail Clippers: That’s why we have teeth.
Makeup That is Tattooed on: You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you’re fifty?
Colored Elastics For Braces: As if the braces didn’t make your mouth stand out enough.
Inflatable Furniture: Nothing boosts the ego more than sitting on a couch and popping it.
Crayons With a Fragrance: Oh, good, let’s give kids another reason to eat them.
Fake Eyelashes: You shouldn’t be able to braid your eyelashes.
The Epilady:Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.
Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers:Kleenex does not get chilly.
Rubber Clothing: Because you shouldn’t bounce if you fall down the stairs.
Doggie Sweaters: Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.
Thong Underwear: Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.
Realistic Error Messages From Microsoft
1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: “You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?”
10) This is a message from God: “Rebooting the universe, please log off.”
11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted… Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417 A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found… Use backup… PENCIL & PAPER.
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 – “OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)”
22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
(name withheld) Minnetonka, MN 55345
Superior Health Insurance ATTN: Claims Review 1423 W. 90th St. New York, NY 05016
This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put “Stupidity“. I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization.
I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unnecessary force, returned the lid back to its normal position.
Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my body, which were still exposed, were trapped between the device’s lid and its main body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain caused me to jump back. It quickly came to my attention that, when one’s privates are firmly attached to an immovable object, it is not a good idea to jump in the opposite direction.
Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to reopen the lid. However, my slamming of it had been sufficient to allow the locking mechanism to engage. I then proceeded to get a hold on my pants and subsequently removed my keys from them. I intended to try to force the lock of the device open with one of my keys; thus extracting myself.
Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock. Embarrassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became a minor concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm and rational manner as I could. An employee from the restaurant quickly arrived and decided that this was a problem requiring the attention of the store manager.
Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the device with her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the device, she could not get her key in. Seeing no other solution, she called the EMS (as indicated on your form in block 21(b)(1)).
After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two police officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 ”On-the-Spot” news team. The guys from the fire department quickly took charge as this was obviously a rescue operation. The senior member of the team discovered that the device was attached with bolts to the cement wall that could only be reached once the device was unlocked. (His discovery was by means of tearing apart the device located in the stall next to the one that I was in. (Since the value of the property destroyed in his examination was less than $50 (my deductible) I did not include it in my claim.) His partner, who seemed like an intelligent fellow at the time, came up with the idea of cutting the device from the wall with the propane torch that was in the rescue truck.
The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced to attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state to think of such things, I might have realized that in cutting the device from the wall several things would also inevitably happen. First, the air inside of the device would quickly heat up, causing items inside the device to suffer the same effects that are normally achieved by placing things in an oven. Second, the metal in the device is a good conductor of heat causing items that are in contact with the device to react as if thrown into a hot skillet. And, third, molten metal would shower the inside of the device as the torch cut through.
The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to cut, in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big enough for a small pry bar to be placed inside of the device. The EMS team then loaded me, along with the device, into the waiting ambulance as stated on your form.
Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give a full explanation of these events, and thus used the word which I thought best described my actions that led to my hospitalization.
Sincerely, (name withheld)
Sure Signs That You’re Broke
1. American Express calls and says: “Leave home without it!”
2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
3. You’re formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
4. You’ve rolled so many pennies, you’ve formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
5. Long distance companies don’t call you to switch.
6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
7. You rob Peter…and then rob Paul.
8. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
9. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
10. Your bologna has no first name.
11. You give blood everyday… just for the orange juice.
12. Sally Struthers sends you food.
13. McDonald’s supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
14. At communion you go back for seconds.
Things People Have Actually Said
“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people” — Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
“They’re multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.” — Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
“We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.” — Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
“When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.” — Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
“It’s like dejavu all over again.” — Yogi Berra
“China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese” — Former French President Charles De Gaulle
“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it.” — A congressional candidate in Texas
“It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody.” — Richard M. Nixon
“The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet.” — Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.
“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” — Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
“A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money.” — Everett Dirksen
“A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.” — Samuel Goldwyn
“I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.” — John Wayne
“Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.” — General William Westmoreland