Illegal Immigrant Cleaning Lady SCTV
Simplified 1040 Forms
We’ve just been informed that the Internal Revenue Service has simplified its 1040 forms for next year in the spirit of becoming a “kinder, gentler” IRS. It goes like this:
(A) How much did you make last year?______
(B) How much do you have left?___________
(C) Send in amount on line B.
1. My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
2. My wife says if I go fishing one more time she’s going to leave me. Gosh, I’m going to miss her.
3. Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. — PJ O’Rourke
4. No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. — Honore de Balzac
5. Nothing says loving like marrying your cousin! — Al Bundy
6. I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
7. Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands, but English women only hope to find in their butlers. — W. Somerset Maugham
8. Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they’re entitled to a little fun first.
9. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
10. Spinster: A bachelor’s wife.
11. The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.
12. To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother–I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.
13. The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. — Groucho Marx
14. The happiest marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. — S. T. Coleridge
15. The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
16. The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men never mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.
17. There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage. — James Holt McGavran
18. This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.
19. We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. — Groucho Marx
20. We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. — H.L. Mencken
21. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
22. Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
23. All marriages are happy–it’s the living together afterward that causes all the problems.
Hot Air Balloon – Brilliant
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below on a lake. She shouted to him,
“Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 1,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
“She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be an Obama Democrat.”
“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”
The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Republican.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”
“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault.”
Hong Kong Film Subtitles
Here’s a list of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong:
1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3. Gun wounds again?
4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
5. A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries.
6. Damn, I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
7. Take my advice, or I’ll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should’ve ordered glutinous rice chicken.
11. I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
14. I have been scared shitless too much lately.
15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg’s hair!
16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your man hoods and leave them out on the dessert floor for your aunts to eat.
20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.
21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feats on some ass of the giant lizard person.
The woman yelled at her husband, “You’re gonna be really sorry! I’m going to LEAVE you!”
He responded, “Make up your mind! Which one is it gonna be?”
Questions And Answers For Accountants
Q: What is the definition of an accountant?
A: Someone who solves a problem, you didn’t know you had, in a way you don’t understand.
Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A: When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
Q: What does an accountant do for birth control?
A. He talks about his business.
Q: What is an extroverted accountant?
A: One who looks at your shoes while he’s talking to you instead of his own.
Q: What’s an auditor?
A: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
There are just three types of accountants:
Those who can count and those who can’t.
Q: How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and an accountant?
A: The accountant knows he is boring.
Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two accountants were arguing over a penny.
Q: What’s the definition of a good tax accountant?
A: Someone who has a loophole named after him.
Q: What’s an accountant’s idea of trashing his/her hotel room?
A: Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
Q: What’s an actuary?
A: An accountant without the sense of humor.
Q: Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
A: They find bookkeeping too exciting.
Q: What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
A: Invite an accountant.
Top 10 Bumper Stickers On The U.S.S. Enterprise
“Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!”
“One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day…think about it”
“HONK if you’ve slept with Commander Riker!”
“Guns don’t kill people…Class 2 Phasers do!”
“Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!”
“CAUTION…We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical.”
“If you can read this…don’t you think you’re a wee bit too close?”
“Have you hugged a Ferengi today?”
“We brake for cubes!”
“Wesley On Board!”
How To Become A Redneck
Become a Redneck in 25 Easy Steps: A Manual for Yuppies
Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream that you would one day become a redneck?
Have you always wanted to be a Bubba, but didn’t know how?
Is there an inner Cletus inside that dapper and dignified image, just hollerin’ to get out?
Well, now you can become the redneck you have always wanted to be!
Purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco and six cases of beer. That is all you will need to start!
Now follow the 25 easy guidelines in our manual!
Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE.
1) We assume you are a dignified, well-groomed yuppie executive; therefore, as you read this, it is also assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black dress shoes and silk socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin and a Rolex. If you are not dressed like this, stop NOW and continue when you are.
FIRST, untie and remove high-and-mighty fancy executive shoes. Peel off socks. DO THIS NOW! Be warned: these shoes and socks have been vital to your identity until now, so do not deceive yourself; this will be a challenge to a true yuppie executive. They MUST be removed to move forward into the wonderful new world that awaits you.
(Note: This will also work with Johnston & Murphy wingtips or those Italian loafers with those little tassels on them.)
2) Stuff silk socks in shiny shoes and drop in garbage can.
3) *URGENT* Do not, under any circumstances, put shoes back on. You MUST remain barefoot. If you fail, return to step one. This will take discipline! This is where most would-be bubbas fail! You will be tempted to put them back on – resist this!
4) The following is guaranteed to help bring you off your high horse in a hurry, and into the redneck world! Trust us!
Prop bare feet on desk, with soles facing open office door. Do NOT remove feet from desk, even when co-workers, clients and/or boss enter office.
Remove cufflinks and scratch soles of feet with them when others enter office and during office conference. Put cufflinks back on.
Use necktie to wipe nose.
Use tiepin and/or collar stud to clean toenails. Put tiepin or collar stud back in tie or shirt.
Eat lunch with knife only. Wipe dirty knife on otherwise spotless business suit.
5) Open can of beer. Drink rapidly and belch loudly. Practice! Dribble on business suit. Discarded dress socks may be used to wipe mouth.
6) Place tobacco in mouth; place in back of cheek. Practice spitting streams of tobacco juice on to computer screen, or on polished office floor, or on important presentation, or in the cuffs of the trousers of your pinstriped suit. Brooks Brothers shoes may also serve as spittoon.
Note: This is the ONLY time when you may retrieve shoes from garbage! See Step #3.
7) Remove necktie, cufflinks, pocket square, tiepin, suspenders and Rolex. Drop all items in garbage can.
8) Strip off uppity expensive business suit, starched shirt and designer underwear. Toss in garbage can. Add briefcase, cell phone and day-timer. Cut up credit cards and throw away wallet.
9) Put on overalls.
10) Cancel subscriptions to Wall Street Journal and New York Times. Have cable disconnected.
11) If you have not already been fired, quit high-paying job and stop working altogether.
Alternative: become a garbage man or janitor or sling hash in a diner.
12) Make appointment with dentist. Have front teeth removed.
13) Make appointment with surgeon. Have all hair on top of head removed through electrolysis. Let hair grow on sides and back.
14) Shave ONLY twice a week. Be careful to leave stubble at all times.
15) Bathe twice a week.
16) Begin intensive redneck language course. Do not use more than five words in a sentence. Drop all “NG” endings from words – “havin” instead of “having”. Learn to yelp and whoop and holler.
17) Sell Porsche.
18) Buy used pickup.
19) Sell condo.
20) Buy shotgun shack.
21) Give or throw away all remaining business suits, ties, shoes, socks, shirts, tuxedos and accessories.
22) Sell stocks and bonds and give all proceeds from these and sale of car and home to a redneck charity. You will not need money.
23) Watch NASCAR and pro-wrestling every day. Do NOT miss any episodes.
24) Find wrecked car and leave in front of shack.
25) Have name changed legally from “Mark” or “Andrew” or “Kevin” to “Cletus” or “Bubba” or “Jed”.
Congratulations! You, Sir, are now the Redneck you have dreamed of becoming!
How Stupid Are They…
1. Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist.
2. Diarrhea of the mouth with constipation of the ideas.
3. Does everything the hard way, like making love standing up in a hammock.
4. Doesn’t have the brain power to toast a crouton.
5. Donated her body to scientists… Before she was done using it.
6. Went downhill skiing in Iowa.
7. During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
8. Enjoys listening to telemarketers.
9. Evidence for the theory of a missing link.
10. Fell out of the family tree.
11. Fifty-one cards short of a full deck.
12. Finds knock-knock jokes challenging.
13. Fired from McDonald’s for having a short attention span.
14. As focused as a 12 gauge shotgun.
15. Foreign substances found floating in his cranial fluids.
16. Full throttle, dry tank.
17. Gasoline engine, diesel fuel.
18. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
19. Gets her mail at an unknown zip code.
20. Gets his orders from another planet.
That’s Not What He Meant
Reporter: “Excuse me, may I interview you?”
Man: “Abdul Al-Rhazim.”
Man: “Three to five times a week.”
Reporter: “No no! I mean male or female?”
Man: “Yes, male, female… sometimes camel.”
Reporter: “Holy cow!”
Man: “Yes, cow, sheep… animals in general.”
Reporter: “But isn’t that hostile?”
Man: “Yes, horse style, dog style, any style.”
Reporter: “Oh dear!”
Man: “No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch.”