David Hartman As The Doctor – Carol Burnett Show
The First Couple To Ever Get Married
Gas Prices Are How High?
Great news, just got pre-approved for a full tank of gas.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Just spent $50 on gas, my car better start flying…
Next Fast and Furious movie canceled due to rising gas prices
Strange the gas prices keep getting higher, but it still tastes exactly the same
Next time gas go under $2 ima put some in the freezer
Forget Klondike bars, I’d do some sketchy shit for a full tank of gas.
Gas Pump: Do you want a receipt?
Me: No, I’d rather forget this whole experience…
They said on the news tonight that if gas prices get any higher, we could see something totally unprecedented here in California. People actually walking.
Every Woman Should Know This
Lady: *buying tampons*
Cashier: Would you like a bag?
Lady: No thank you, there is a very sketchy guy outside and I want him to know that I’m not the person to mess with today.
Cashier: Legitimately screams laughing
Love Lust Marriage
How do you know if you’re in love, lust, or marriage?
LOVE when your eyes meet across a crowded room
LUST when your tongues meet across a crowded room
MARRIAGE when your belt won’t meet around your waist, and you don’t care
LOVE when intercourse is called making love
LUST all other times
MARRIAGE what’s intercourse?
LOVE when you argue over how many children to have
LUST When you argue over who gets the wet spot
MARRIAGE when you argue over money
LOVE when you share everything you own
LUST when you think twice about giving your partner bus money
MARRIAGE when the bank owns everything
LOVE when it doesn’t matter if you don’t climax
LUST when the relationship is over if you don’t climax
MARRIAGE what’s a climax?
LOVE when you phone each other just to say “Hi”
LUST when you phone each other just to organize sex
MARRIAGE when you phone each other to find out what time your son’s game starts
LOVE when you write poems about your partner
LUST when all you write is your phone number
MARRIAGE when all you write are checks
LOVE when you show concern for your partners’ feelings
LUST when you couldn’t give a rip
MARRIAGE when your only concern is what’s on TV
LOVE when your farewell is “I love you darling”
LUST when your farewell is “So, same time next week?”
MARRIAGE when your farewell is silent
LOVE when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner
LUST when you only ever see each other in the bedroom
MARRIAGE when you never see each other awake
LOVE when your heart flutters every time you see them
LUST when your groin twitches every time you see them
MARRIAGE when your wallet empties every time you see them
LOVE when nobody else matters
LUST when nobody else knows
MARRIAGE when everybody else matters and you don’t care who knows
LOVE when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel
LUST when it’s just the same mushy old crap
MARRIAGE when you never listen to music
LOVE when breaking up is something you try not to think about
LUST when staying together is something you try not to think about
MARRIAGE when just getting through today is you’re only thought
LOVE when you’re interested in everything your partner does
LUST when you’re only interested in one thing
MARRIAGE when you’re not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you’re interested in is your golf score
College Entrance Exam For Football Players
Time Limit: 3 WEEKS
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to…
____ (a) build a bridge
____ (b) sail the ocean
____ (c) lead an army or
____ (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
____ (a) Jewish
____ (b) Catholic
____ (c) Hindu
____ (d) Polish
____ (e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America’s far north called?
____ (a) Westerners
____ (b) Southerners
____ (c) Northerners
9. Spell — Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
____ (a) Macy’s
____ (b) Kmart
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) The Sky
12. Can you explain Einstein’s Theory of Relativity?
____ (a) yes
____ (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
____ (a) New York
____ (b) Florida
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
____ (a) B.C
____ (b) A.D.
New Medications for Women
St. Mom’s Wort
Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
E m p t y N e s t r o g e n
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.
P e p t o b i m b o
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
D u m e r o l
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q., causing enjoyment of country western music.
F l i p i t o r
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
A n t i b o y o t i c s
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
M e n i c i l l i n
Potent anti boyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, “You make me want to be a better person … can we get naked now?”
B u y a g r a
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
J a c k A s s p i r i n
Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your anniversary or phone number.
A n t i-t a l k s i d e n t
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
And the best:
D a m i t o l
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
Good Sex & Bad Sex
An elderly couple is sitting for breakfast at a hotel.
The woman suddenly gets up and slaps her husband.
The husband, who is completely taken by surprise, asks, “What was that for?”
The woman replies, “For 45 years you have given me nothing but bad sex!”
After a few seconds, the husband gets up and slaps her back.
The woman, who is completely taken off guard, yells, “And what was that for?”
The husband replies, “How the hell do you know the difference between good sex and bad sex?”
Proof That Jesus Was…
Proof that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into his father’s business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.
Proof that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.
Proof that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
Proof that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn’t get a fair trial.
Proof that Jesus was Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But the most compelling evidence of all – proof that Jesus was a WOMAN:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do.
What Was Your Biggest Mistake Today?
Taking a dog named shark to the beach.
The Most Honest Definitions On Earth
• Ex: (n.) Someone God sends back into your life to see if you’re still stupid.
• Education: (n.) Never confuse it with intelligence. You can have a Bachelor’s degree and still be an idiot.
• Happiness: (n.) Not having to set the alarm for the next day.
• Textrovert: (n.) No calls, texts only.
• Life: (n.) A party, but I’m the pinata.
• Job: (n.) If you do yours very well, you get to do other people’s job too.
• Shy: (adj.) What people think of me because I don’t get involved with their conversations. The truth is, I don’t give a fu(k what they’re talking about.
• Adulting: (v.) Putting back a pack of chicken for $11.58 because you see one for $11.17.
• You are what you eat: (phr.) Bullshit. I don’t remember eating anxiety and back pain.
• Ariana Grande: (n.) Sounds like font or a Starbucks order.
• Job interview: (n.) A conversation between two liars.
• 2021: (n.) Season 2 of 2020.
• 2022: (n.) Season 3 of 2020.
• Cat: (n.) Not your pet. YOU are their pet.
• Missed calls: (n.) I don’t miss them. I just stare at it and don’t answer.
• Coffee: (n.) A legal drug.
• 20s: (n.) That weird period of your life where some of your friends are married, some are in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
• Eldest child: (n.) The third parent.
• Positive: (adj.) The most negative word of the 2020′s.
• Ohhhhhhhhhh: (int.) I still don’t understand.
• Bed: (n.) My favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
• My toxic trait: (n.) Being productive for 15 minutes then giving myself a 3-hour break.
• Home: (n.) Where I can be ugly in peace.
• Best Friend: (n.) The person that is not included when I say I won’t tell anybody.
• My Mind: (n.) Like an internet browser. 17 tabs are open, 4 of them are frozen and I don’t know where the music is coming from.
• Time For Bed: (phr.) I guess I’ll just check my email, social media accounts, and one full season of a Netflix TV show real quick.
Why Do Americans Still Use Miles Again?
To remember how many feet there are in a mile, you just gotta use 5 tomatoes
Five to-mate-oes sounds like five, two, eight, O and there’s 5280 feet in a mile.
To remember how many meters there are in a kilometer you just remember “1000″
Because the system of measurement in the rest of the world wasn’t invented by a drunk mathematician rolling dice.