Robot Chicken: “Behind the Music – The Muppets”
Funny Quotes By George Carlin
• I think I am, therefore, I am … I think.
• It’s never just a game when you’re winning.
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
• If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
• Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
• Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
• When you step on the brakes, your life is in your foot’s hands.
• One can never know for sure what a deserted area can look like.
• The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
• A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
• ‘Bipartisan’ usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
• Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
• Just because you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.
• I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
• Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
• I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
• Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
• Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
• Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
• If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
• People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
• I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
• If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
• Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, and men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
• When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ’27 months.’ ‘He’s 2’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.
• Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.
• Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky, who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed.
The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Management Audit Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate the loss and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and one person rowing.
So American management hired a consulting company and paid them an incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. Even new paddles and medical benefit incentives were promised for a winner. We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichment’s through this quality program.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.
The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as bonuses.
Things Said During Golf That Sound Dirty But Aren’t
10. Nuts…my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
1. Hold up…I need to wash my balls first
One day in the Bakery…
A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab steals 3 pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see anything!”
The Jew says to the Arab, “I am going to show you there is nobody better than a Jew.” He goes to the owner and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.”
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew asks for another one and swallows it.
The owner is starting to wonder what the magic trick is and says, “What is the trick? Where are the pastries?
The Jew answers, “Look in the Arab’s pocket.”
If Men Ruled The World…The Way They Really Wanted To
- Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.
- Car rental agencies would rent tanks.
- Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car as long as you returned it within 24 hours with a full tank of gas.
- Get Out of Jail Free cards would be considered legal documents.
Yes there’s more I could put here but not in mixed company.
Shampoo Warning – DO NOT wash your hair in the shower.
IT INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT. WARNING TO US ALL.
I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner – I use shampoo in the shower!!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, “FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.”
No wonder I have been gaining weight!! Well, I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dishwashing Soap. It’s label reads, “DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”
Problem solved! If I don’t answer the phone, I’ll be in the shower!!
Things You Don’t Want To Hear During Surgery
1. Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
2. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.
3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
5. Hand me that. uh. that uh. that thingy there.
6. Oh no! Where’s my Rolex?
7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
8. There go the lights again!
9. Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys and this guy’s got two of ‘em.
10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it’s throwing off my concentration.
12. What’s this doing here?
13. I hate it when they’re missing stuff in here.
14. That’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?
15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
16. Sterile schmerile. The floor’s clean, right?
17. What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change?!
18. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
19. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
20. Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?
21. Don’t worry. I think it’s sharp enough.
22. What do you mean “You want a divorce?!”
23. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
24. Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing.
The Presbyterian Church
The Baptist Church
The Methodist Church
The Catholic Church
The Jewish Synagogue
Each building was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.
In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution.
They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.
Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven’t seen a squirrel on the property since.
You Grew Up In The 80s If…
…You learned to swim about the same time “Jaws” came out and still can’t swim naked at night.
…Prince’s “1999″ was the focal point of your plans for an end of the century party.
…You dressed to emulate either Duran Duran, Poison, Madonna, Rick Springfield or Cyndi Lauper.
…You wanted to be gagged with a spoon.
…You had a poster of Bo, Luke, & Daisy Duke.
…There was nothing questionable about Bert and Ernie living together.
…You dialed “867-5309″ to see if Jenny would answer.
…You still had rabbit ears on your TV set and had to use tin foil to get good reception.
What An Ass!
The pastor entered his donkey in a race, and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the Local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the Paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.