Not Funny But Cool – Money

Thirteen Observations made by Lemony Snicket while watching Occupy Wall Street from a Discreet Distance

1. If you work hard, and become successful, it does not necessarily mean you are successful because you worked hard, just as if you are tall with long hair it doesn’t mean you would be a midget if you were bald.

2. “Fortune” is a word for having a lot of money and for having a lot of luck, but that does not mean the word has two definitions.

3. Money is like a child—rarely unaccompanied. When it disappears, look to those who were supposed to be keeping an eye on it while you were at the grocery store. You might also look for someone who has a lot of extra children sitting around, with long, suspicious explanations for how they got there.

4. People who say money doesn’t matter are like people who say cake doesn’t matter—it’s probably because they’ve already had a few slices.

5. There may not be a reason to share your cake. It is, after all, yours. You probably baked it yourself, in an oven of your own construction with ingredients you harvested yourself. It may be possible to keep your entire cake while explaining to any nearby hungry people just how reasonable you are.

6. Nobody wants to fall into a safety net, because it means the structure in which they’ve been living is in a state of collapse and they have no choice but to tumble downwards. However, it beats the alternative.

7. Someone feeling wronged is like someone feeling thirsty. Don’t tell them they aren’t. Sit with them and have a drink.

8. Don’t ask yourself if something is fair. Ask someone else—a stranger in the street, for example.

9. People gathering in the streets feeling wronged tend to be loud, as it is difficult to make oneself heard on the other side of an impressive edifice.

10. It is not always the job of people shouting outside impressive buildings to solve problems. It is often the job of the people inside, who have paper, pens, desks, and an impressive view.

11. Historically, a story about people inside impressive buildings ignoring or even taunting people standing outside shouting at them turns out to be a story with an unhappy ending.

12. If you have a large crowd shouting outside your building, there might not be room for a safety net if you’re the one tumbling down when it collapses.

13. 99 percent is a very large percentage. For instance, easily 99 percent of people want a roof over their heads, food on their tables, and the occasional slice of cake for dessert. Surely an arrangement can be made with that niggling 1 percent who disagree.
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Ever felt guilty about spending a few too many bucks on an entreé? That’s nothing compared to what you would feel if you paid the bill for these bites and drinks. Check out some of the world’s most expensive menu items.
Diamonds are Forever Cocktail at Burj Al Arab, Dubai

What It Will Cost You: $1,347
After seeing this pricey drink, you won’t bat an eyelash at the price of most cocktails. The Burj Al Arab, a luxury hotel in Dubai, serves a “Diamonds are Forever” cocktail in a Swarovski Crystalline cocktail glass that has diamonds in the stem. The drink is made with L’Heraud Grand Champagne Cognac, Luxor 24k Gold Flake Champagne, The Bitter Truth Jerry Thomas Bitters, and sugar. Although it will set you back $1,347, you do get to keep the Swarovski crystal glass as a keepsake.18-Course Meal at Alinea, Chicago

What It Will Cost You: $210
There aren’t many three-star Michelin restaurants out there, but Chicago is home to a very well-known one: Alinea. The restaurant was opened in 2005 by Grant Achatz. It’s best known for its progressive cuisine and use of molecular gastronomy, or the deconstruction of food. An 18-course meal of small dishes sets each guest back $210. For that, you will enjoy a spread that includes dishes described on the menus as “Woolly Pig: fennel, orange, squid”; “Lamb: ……????…..!!!!!!!!!!”; and “Balloon: helium, green apple.” Intrigued? So are we!Samundari Khazana Curry at Bombay Brasserie, London

What It Will Cost You: $3,200
In a hurry? Don’t order the Samundari Khazana from Bombay Brasserie, then. If you do, you are going to drop roughly $3,200, so you will want to stick around and enjoy yourself. We love a good curry, but Bombay Brasserie really loves their curry. Why so expensive? The Samundari Khazana (translated roughly to “seafood treasure”) contains Devon crab, white truffle, Beluga caviar, a gold leaf, a Scottish lobster coated in gold, four abalones, and four quail eggs.California Capitol City Dawg at Capital Dawg, Sacramento, CA

What It Will Cost You: $145
Did we hear you complain about shelling out a couple of bucks for a New York City hot dog? Then you’re in for a price shock. At Capital Dawg in Sacramento, California, the California Capitol City Dawg sells for around $145. According to the Guinness Book of World Records, this top dog is an 18-inch, 3/4-pound, all-beef, natural-casing, Chicago-style frank served with French whole grain mustard, garlic and herb mayo, sautéed shallots, mixed baby greens, applewood and cherry smoked uncured bacon, Swedish moose cheese (which costs $200 a pound), chopped tomato, sweetened dried cranberries, a basil olive oil/cranberry-pear-coconut balsamic vinaigrette, and fresh ground pepper. It is served on a custom-made herb focaccia roll toasted in white truffle butter. It is also available in a combo with french fries and a soda for a hair more: $149.77. Unfortunately, this spot has plans to shut down. Help us begin looking for the new “top dog” in the wake of Capital Dawg’s demise.

FleurBurger 5000 at Fleur, Las Vegas

What It Will Cost You: $5,000
Can a hamburger be high-class? Hubert Keller of Top Chef Masters thinks so. His $5,000 burger is served at Fleur in Las Vegas’ Mandalay Bay. The FleurBurger 5000, as it is called, consists of a Wagyu beef and foie gras burger patty topped with truffle sauce and shaved black truffles, all served on a brioche truffle bun. Although there is a pricier burger sold at The Palms (also in Las Vegas), the FleurBurger is served with a $2,500 bottle of Bordeaux.

Sushi Course at Sushi Jiro, Tokyo

What It Will Cost You: $366
Following increased popularity since the release of the hit documentary “Jiro Dreams of Sushi,” sushi master Sukiyabashi Jiro continues to maintain one of the most well-respected restaurants in the world. It’s a small space (seats for about 10 people), but the patrons who make it in are set for a fabulous meal. The sushi spread costs around $366 per person, and you must eat what the Chef deems good for you. Trust him, he knows everything there is to know about his craft.

Meal at Masa, New York City

What It Will Cost You: $450
Masa was opened in 2004 by famed sushi chef Masa Takamaya. The menu is set at about $450 per person, not including tax or drinks. Chef Masa prepares the food himself, using ingredients like truffles, Kobe beef, fish from Japan, and beluga caviar — only the best. It is a culinary indulgence.

Tasting Menu at L’Arpége, Paris

What It Will Cost You: $450
If you still have some money left in your budget after getting yourself to Paris, take a trip to 3-star Michelin rated L’Arpége, founded by legendary chef Alain Passard. At the forefront of the farm-to-table movement, Passard is mostly known for the quality of his vegetables and the manner in which he serves them. The tasting menu runs around $450. It’s money well spent, as Passard’s talents make him worth his weight in gold; or at least in fresh fennel.

“C6″ Pizza at Steveston Pizza Co., Canada

What It Will Cost You: $450
The Louis XIII pizza, created by ambitious Chef Renato of Salerno, Italy, was deemed the most expensive pizza a few years ago — the pie cost a staggering $12,000! In 2012, Steveston Pizza Co., a quiet pizza spot with multiple locations in Canada, is offering a slightly more affordable — though still monetarily outrageous — pizza called the “C6 Pizza.” Priced at about $450, it’s topped with lobster and black Alaskan cod, then served with Russian Osetra caviar on the side.

Frozen “Haute” Chocolate at Serendipity 3, New York City

What It Will Cost You: $25,000
New Yorkers are no strangers to the outlandish, but even Big Apple citizens have to gape at the price of this sweet. The folks at Serendipity 3 teamed up with jeweler Euphoria to create a $25,000 chocolate sundae. It’s made from a blend of 28 cocoas from around the globe, infused with five grams of edible 23-karat gold, and served in a “goblet” lined with edible gold. To top it off, they add whipped cream, more gold, and a side of La Madeline au Truffle from Knipschildt Chocolatier (which sells for about $2,600 a pound). Those who purchase this deluxe treat also receive an 18-karat gold bracelet.

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If you want to live big, you have to pay big. Some of the greatest, largest, most exquisite homes in the world are on the market, but before you write out that initial deposit, remember your place in the world. If you go to the store and buy an extra can of Chef Boyardee because you got a bonus at work and feel like celebratin’, then you probably can’t afford any of the houses below.

10.Rybolovlev Estate – $95 Million

This house is the most expensive single family home in the country and, since it was owned by Donald Trump, it’s obviously the most expensive home ever fought over in a divorce case. The 33,000 square foot oceanfront mansion has become a key part of the proceedings since Trump’s ex-wife Elena Rybolovlev demanded jurisdiction due to infidelity.This home has 18 bedrooms, 22 bathrooms, and retails for $95 million, making it the most expensive single-family house in the nation…weird, we’re pretty sure we found nine more for this list. Unless we’re suddenly on TopOnez.NetOriginally on sale for $125 million, it ended up being haggled down to a mere 95. We guess the economy is hurting everyone these days.

9.Silicon Valley Mansion — $100 Million

As the most expensive single-family home in the US, this house… wait, didn’t we just say that the Rybolovlev Estate was the most expensive single-family home ever? Well, okay, this one went for 100 million so I guess it wins.

With 5 bedrooms and 9 bathrooms, and an indoor and outdoor pool (in case it rains, we guess), it’s all-in-all a pretty fancy house.

8.Fleur De Lys — 125 Million

Despite being marketed as the world’s most expensive house, the Fleur De Lys somehow only falls on number 8 on our list. Wow, that’s weird, huh? It’s almost like people on the Internet are wrong.

Fleur De Lys has 41,000 square feet and 15 bedrooms, but apparently no bathrooms, which we think is a huge oversight either by the architect or the person writing the articles we’re using as sources.

7.The Manor — $150 Million

Here we are, finally, the most expensive residential real estate listing in the US, according to Wiki-freakin’-pedia. $150 million. Feels pretty good to put that part to rest, doesn’t it? Thanks, Aaron Spelling, for having the (7th) most expensive house in the world.

This house features 56,000 square feet, 123 rooms, a bowling alley, an ice rink and allegedly an entire wing devoted to Spelling’s wife’s wardrobe.

6.The Pinnacle — $155 Million

Owned by Tim Blixseth, in Montana, this house is unique for two reasons: it has a private chair lift directly from the house to a nearby ski-resort (which Blixseth owns), and is the only house on this list so far named that doesn’t claim to be the most expensive in the world.

5.Franchuk Villa — $161 Million

This five-story, freestanding 10-bedroom Victorian Villa also features an underground indoor swimming pool, panic room, and private movie theatre. It’s also the world’s most expensive home (yeah, sure it is), at $161 million.

How fancy is this place? Allegedly, during some remodeling, the noise made the Mayor of Moscow angry. The house is located in London. That’s right: the house is so fancy it doesn’t make sense.

4.The Hearst Mansion — $165 Million

Top Three Facts about the Fourth Most Expensive House in the World: it was used in The Godfather, JFK spent his honeymoon there, and (holy crap, get this): it’s the most expensive home in the US!

It features three swimming pools, 29 bedrooms (you have to supply your own horse heads har har har), movie theatre and, for some reason, a disco.

3.Fairfield Pond — $198 Million

Currently valued that way due to its property taxes, this 66,000 square-foot main house has a basketball court, bowling alley, and a $150,000 hot tub. The most valuable home in the US (again, according to Wikipedia).

2.Villa Leopolda — $736 Million

Wow, that’s a big jump in price. Built by King Leopold II of Belgium in 1902 and located on the French Riviera, this home was purchased by Russian billionaire Prokhorov, who is so rich he lost billions to the latest economic collapse and still had enough fun money to buy himself a three-quarter-billion-dollar summer home. It has 27 stories, 19 bedrooms, and a rumored 50 full-time gardeners.

1.Antilla – $1,000,000,000

This is it. The one you’ve been waiting for. The grand finale. The one billion dollar home. We give you…Antilla.

Located in Mumbai, Antilla challenges pretty much everything you’d expect about “what is possible in a home” and “what is possible for architecture.” The 27-story house features six floors of parking, a health level with a jacuzzi, gym, and “ice room,” a ballroom level (for dancing?) several floors of bedrooms and bathrooms and even a four-story garden — because, yeah, we guess that’s possible.

The architecture is based on an Indian tradition called Vastu Shastra, which is supposed to be conducive to the movement of positive energy. In keeping with this, each floor has not only a unique design, but an entirely unique set of materials and aesthetic design — meaning each room is meant to look like it’s from a different house.

Basically, this house has everything — things you can imagine, things you can’t imagine, and things you never thought to imagine but are now imagining because they sound like the greatest thing you’ve ever heard of.
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Most of them weren’t always rolling in it. Here are 25 tips from rich people on how to make your money matter.

We’re cheap—and proud of it.
When you open up the paper and you see those coupons, it looks like dollar bills staring you in the face … It’s how I grew up. Why not?—Hilary Swank to talk-show host Kelly Ripa, on clipping coupons

I think about it this way: Not spending money is the same as making money.
So if I save $2,000 by not flying first class, that’s the same as someone paying me $2,000. Wouldn’t you sit in an uncomfortable chair for three hours for $2,000?—A successful Boston plastic surgeon

I go to the ATM only once a week and pay for everything with cash.
“That way, I’m forced to stay on a budget without counting pennies and saving receipts. I can spend only what is in my wallet. I turn it into a game where each week, I reduce my ATM withdrawal amount by $20 to determine how low I can really go.”—Alan Corey, author of A Million Bucks by 30

We’re just like you.
Millionaires tend to pay about $16—including tip—for a haircut at a traditional barbershop.—Researchers from the University of Georgia Survey Research Institute

We loathe waste.
One time my granddaughter was filling out all this paperwork, and there were several paper clips. I told her to take them off so she could reuse them. She said, ‘Grandma, do you know how cheap paper clips are?’ I said, ‘Do you know how far a penny can stretch when you need it to?’—Pat Brennan, co-owner of Brennan Builders, a premier custom-home builder in Evans City, Pennsylvania

We invest on whims.
During the spring of 2012, I read the Wall Street Journal and learned that Talbots was supposed to be acquired, but after the deal fell through, its stock fell nearly 50 percent in one day. That’s when I purchased $5,000 worth of Talbots stock. Its value increased by 50 percent that day, and I made the decision to sell it right then.—A partner at a prestigious Washington, DC, law firm

We’re gusty with our jobs.
When negotiating a new salary, always end the negotiations with a request for a nine-month review, instead of the usual 12-month review. It always gets approved, and it gives you a three-month head start on a potential salary raise or bonus.—Alan Corey

We’re not as smart as you think.
It’s amazing how much smarter everyone thinks you are once you have money. Two days after I sold my company, I got asked to speak at a conference I had been trying desperately to speak at for six years.—Peter Shankman, entrepreneur and angel investor

We find investment ideas in everyday life.
After my wife got excited about the fact that Hanes sold its L’eggs panty hose in grocery stores, I figured that the company was on to something. I bought Hanes’s stock and watched it rise sixfold.—A manager of the Fidelity Magellan fund

We don’t quit until we get the deal.
I once went all the way to the head of customer support at Dell over a problematic computer that was out of warranty, and I was shipped a new one the next day. If you are willing to go up the chain, you will very likely reach someone who is willing to bend the rules to rectify a complaint and fix the problem.—August Turak

We accept risk in order to achieve success.
I was working at AOL in the 1990s when the company let go of 300 people. I was one of them. The movie Titanic was coming out, so I took my rent money and had 500 T-shirts printed that read, ‘It sank. Get over it.’ If I didn’t sell those shirts, I was homeless. I sold 500 shirts in six hours and made five grand. Then I called USA Today and gave a reporter the story. I sold 10,000 shirts on the Web over the next two months and ultimately racked up 100 grand. That was my very first company.—Peter Shankman

We can’t win when we give a gift.
If it’s modest, people think, All she bought me was a vase? But when you give something over-the-top (I bought someone a house once), people say, ‘She’s showing off.’—A retired California tech executive and multimillionaire

Contrary to popular belief, we do pay taxes—a lot of taxes.
And the rich don’t all have teams of high-priced lawyers and accountants to do the paperwork. Many of them do their own with TurboTax, just like the rest of the world.—A partner at a prestigious Washington, DC, law firm

We’re careful about giving to friends and family.
A whopping 72 percent of wealthy families—those with more than $250,000 to invest—think their children should pay at least part of their college tuition, and nearly a third think the prospective student should plan on contributing at least half.—A 2012 survey of 1,000 affluent families by asset manager Legg Mason

We come up with clever ways to deal with requests for money.
“Anytime the newspaper lists my name among the 100 top-paid executives in the area, I get a ton of requests from people asking for money.It happened so much that I had to come up with a strategy to deal with it. Now I say, ‘I’m happy to give. I’ll match however much you raise yourself.’” —A retired California tech executive and multimillionaire

We don’t necessarily splurge on suits.
I buy three suits every five or so years and own only ten total. That’s all I need—T. Boone Pickens, oil billionaire, in an interview with Kiplinger’s magazine in 2012

We admit we’re snooty.
When I go to other people’s houses, I don’t like watching TV on their smaller screens and listening through their wimpy stereo sound systems. It feels like you’re watching TV while slightly blind and deaf.—Allen Wong, multimillionaire developer of many bestselling apps and author of Lifehacked

We like to use initials.
You rarely meet a really rich person named Bobbie, Rickie, or Danny, but you may meet Robert W. Smith—or, if he’s really made it, R. W. Smith—An investment professional who blogs at stuffrichpeoplelove.com

Rather than handouts, we put people to work.
“After I made a bit of extra cash by being an app developer, I decided to give some to my old friends and family members who were living paycheck-to-paycheck during the recession. But I knew that most of them wouldn’t accept it. So instead, I asked them for app ideas, which I’d code and sell. They weren’t great ideas, and the apps barely make any money. But that wasn’t the point. I’d pay my contributors thousands of dollars anyway.”—Allen Wong

We get a tremendous amount of satisfaction from not wasting things.
“I still collect all the tiny pieces of soap and put them together into one bar. I still squeeze the toothpaste tube dry. And I grow a lot of my own vegetables.” —August Turak, founder of two successful software companies and author of Business Secrets of the Trappist Monk

We give a hand in unexpected ways.
“One time my hairstylist told me she had been fined for passing through a tollbooth without paying the fee. She didn’t have enough change and figured she’d pay the toll later by mail. She didn’t realize that the fine for passing a tollbooth would be a hefty $125. So I decided to tip her $125.”—Allen Wong

We have neighbors who are billionaires, but you would never know it.
“The really wealthy are usually not the ones who wear the most expensive clothes, have the latest handbags, or drive flashy cars. In Martha’s Vineyard, you see a lot of people who live in houses that sell for $10 million driving ten-year-old Toyotas.”—A successful Boston plastic surgeon

Our huge homes might have specific rooms dedicated to entertaining.
“Your home might not have a ballroom, but you can save yourself stress by creating an off-limits area when entertaining. Bonus: You can shove the ‘I don’t know what to do with this stuff’ pile into one of those rooms and shut the door.”—A real estate broker from Million Dollar Listing New York on Bravo television

A lot of life is really about who you know and making sure you hold on to those relationships.

“My big break was when I was hired to represent a company started by people I knew from high school.”—A partner at a prestigious Washington, DC, law firm

When you’re buying something, it’s good to ask, ‘Where does the store get it?’
“We were paying for organic produce, and the prices were killing us. So I think, Where is this store getting its food from? We do the research, call the wholesaler, and find out the criteria for ordering. The minimum order was $250. So we started taking orders from friends and arranged to get palettes of food dropped off in our driveway.”—Jerrod Sessler, founder and CEO of HomeTask, entrepreneur, and former NASCAR driver

What’s in our wallets?
EXPIRED DRIVER’S LICENSES “I keep several in my wallet. Occasionally looking at how I’ve aged in my license photos reminds me to make every day count.”—August Turak
A $100 BILL “At one point, one of my employers gave me a personal bonus to recognize a job well done. In a Donnie Brasco kind of moment, he handed me an envelope of money he had taken out of his own personal bank account, and I keep one of the bills in my wallet. It’s a good reminder that someone else recognizes I have value.” —An Investment professional who blogs at stuffrichpeoplelove.com
A BUS TICKET “Instead of driving and being stressed out about traffic, you can work your scene or do your exercises on the bus.”—Vincent Kartheiser, Mad Men star, in an interview with the New York Times.
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