What “The Sex Talk” Looks Like Now
Pick Up Line Rejections
Man: You are the reason why men fall in love.
Woman: Thank you. And you are the reason why women don’t.
Man: I’d really like to get into your pants.
Woman: No thanks. There’s already one asshole in there.
Man: Your face must turn a few heads!
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs!
Man: Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason!
Woman: Yeah! To pick up some chicks!
Man: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.
Man: Hi! Didn’t we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
Woman: Maybe once. I never make the same mistake twice!
Man: Baby, your body is a wonderland!
Woman: That’s funny, because yours is a wasteland!
Man: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Woman: Nothing. I can’t talk and laugh at the same time!
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Away from you.
Man: Hey, baby, what’s your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I’m a female impersonator.
Man: I will do whatever it takes to please you.
Woman: Ok, please me by getting out of my sight.
Man: I would go till the end of the world just for you.
Woman: Really? Ok. Would you stay there?
Man: If I am able to rearrange the alphabet, I would put “U” and “I” together.
Woman: Oh, how sweet. If you asked me, I would put “F” and “U” together.
Older Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: For the first half of it, I probably wasn’t born yet.
Man: So, wanna go back to my place?
Woman: Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put you between F and CK
Woman: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put you before GLY
Man: What do math and my dick have in common?…They’re both hard for you
Woman: You must be a math problem because you’re annoying and difficult.
With the press at every political and public event, unfortunate comments now become a part of the public record. This is a list of some of the more unfortunate quotes from people in the public eye.
1. “And I’m supposed to believe that Reagan was a great leader? This is who he chose as the Secretary of Education.” -Former Education Secretary William Bennett
2. “Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” -Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
3. “The internet is a great way to get on the net.” – Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate
4. “Screw the Buddhists and kill the Muslims.” -Henry Jordan, South Carolina board of education (when another board member said the displaying of the Ten Commandments in public schools might offend students of other religions)
5. “We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.” -Colonel Gerald Wellman
6. “China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.” – Charles De Gaulle, former French President
7. “The world is more like it is now then it ever has before.” – Dwight Eisenhower
8. “A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money.” – Everett Dirksen, Congressman
9. “Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.” – Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
10. “We’re going to move left and right at the same time.” – Jerry Brown, Governor of California
Disorder In The Court:
Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings.
Q. What is your brother-in-law’s name?
Q. What’s his first name?
A. I can’t remember.
Q. He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I’m too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God’s sake, tell them your first name!
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I’m divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn’t know about.
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn’t pronunciate his words.
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
Q. Did he kill you?
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
Q. What was he doing with the dog’s ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?
What school do you go to?
Q. How old are you?
Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there as a victim?
Q: . . . and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn’t offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on, what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she’d kill that son of a b!tch- and she did!
Q: Do you drink when you’re on duty?
A: I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Q: . . . any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
Q: Are you se xually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
My wife called me and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I was a little concerned as I answered, “No.”
She said, “How about now?”
Gas Station Employment Test
1) Customer-Oriented Marketing is looking at our job through the customer’s
2) A good opening to a customer who voices a complaint is,
(a) I’m sorry
(b) I’m upset
(c) You are having a problem
3) Remember, arguing with the customer can only make a bad situation
(c) more entertaining
4) Make positive contact with your customers by being friendly,
(c) open and interested
5) Using a customer’s name and saying ”Thank you” are examples of being
6) While working with your present customer,
(b) ignore a waiting customer
(c) become interested in and leave the premises with
7) Customers feel you are happy to have their business when you smile and say
(b) thank you
(c) The gas is free today
8) Friendly service is giving the customer your full attention and making
(a) eye contact.
(b) hand contact.
(c) felonious intimate contact.
9) One way to show customers full attention is to call them
(a) by phone
(b) by name
10) Keep the station
(b) neat and clean so customers do not take their business elsewhere.
11) Use the intercom for customer assistance and
12) A good opening to a complaining customer could be to tell them you are
(e) extremely busy and tired of their whining
13) Customers waiting for island service should be
(e) advised on airfare deals to Tahiti
14) What kind of service should customers get?
(d) all of the above
(e) incomprehensible, greasy, and fear-inducing
15) One way to give customers personal attention is to
(a) accept credit cards
(b) ignore them
(c) call them by name
(d) talk to two customers at once
(e) encourage them to join you in the booth
Bar Room Chat Translations
1. “You get this one, next round is on me.” (We won’t be here long enough to get another round.)
2. “I’ll get this one, next one is on you.” (Happy hour is about to end…now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be 4.50 a pop.)
3. “Hey, where is that friend of yours?” (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)
4. “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” [female] (I’m easy.)
5. “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” [male] (I’m gay.)
6. “Ever try a body shot?” [male to female] (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)
7. “Ever try a body shot?” [female to male] (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?)
8. “I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” [female] (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)
9. “I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” [male] (I’m horny.)
10. “Who’s got the next round?” (I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)
11. “What do you have on tap?” (What’s cheap?)
12. “Can I have a white Russian?” [male] (I’m really gay.)
13. “Can I have a white Russian?” [female] (I’m really easy.)
14. “That person looks really familiar.” (Did I sleep with him/her?)
15. “Can I just get a glass of water?” [female] (I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
16. “Can I just get a glass of water?” [male] (I’m annoying, and cheap to boot.)
17. “I don’t have my ID on me.” [female] (I’m 19.)
18. “I don’t have my ID on me.” [male] (I don’t have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.8 after my last visit here.)
19. “Excuse Me.” [male to male] (Get the f#@k out of the way.)
20. “Excuse Me.” [male to female] (I am going to grope you now.)
21. “Excuse Me.” [female to male] (Don’t even think about groping me, just get the f#@k out of the way.)
22. “Excuse Me.” [female to female] (Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho. Get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you bitch, like the slut you are.)
Loony Sex Laws That You Never Knew You Were Breaking
You can usually tell which of these laws were written by men and which by women
* In the quiet town of Connorsville, Wisconsin, it’s illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an org@sm.
* It’s against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during s ex.
* In Oblong, Illinois, it’s punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
* No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
* Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn’t allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you — or holding you in his arms.
* Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite s ex in the front yard of a home after sundown– if they’re nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you’re safe from the law!)
* In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it’s illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!
* The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have s ex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.
* An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having s ex while standing inside a store’s walk-in meat freezer!
* A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
More Failed Technology Predictions
Throughout history man has been making predictions of the future. With the advent of technology, the predictions moved away from religious topics to scientific and technological. Unfortunately for the speakers, many of these failed predictions have been recorded for all future generations to laugh at. Here is a selection of some of the best.
1. “The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not. We have plenty of messenger boys.” — Sir William Preece, Chief Engineer, British Post Office, 1878.
2. “This ‘telephone has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.” — A memo at Western Union, 1878 (or 1876).
3. “The world potential market for copying machines is 5000 at most.” — IBM, to the eventual founders of Xerox, saying the photocopier had no market large enough to justify production, 1959.
4. “I must confess that my imagination refuses to see any sort of submarine doing anything but suffocating its crew and floundering at sea.” — HG Wells, British novelist, in 1901.
5. “X-rays will prove to be a hoax.” — Lord Kelvin, President of the Royal Society, 1883.
6. “The idea that cavalry will be replaced by these iron coaches is absurd. It is little short of treasonous.” — Comment of Aide-de-camp to Field Marshal Haig, at tank demonstration, 1916.
7. “How, sir, would you make a ship sail against the wind and currents by lighting a bonfire under her deck? I pray you, excuse me, I have not the time to listen to such nonsense.” — Napoleon Bonaparte, when told of Robert Fulton’s steamboat, 1800s.
8. “Fooling around with alternating current is just a waste of time. Nobody will use it, ever.” — Thomas Edison, American inventor, 1889 (Edison often ridiculed the arguments of competitor George Westinghouse for AC power).
9. “Home Taping Is Killing Music” — A 1980s campaign by the BPI, claiming that people recording music off the radio onto cassette would destroy the music industry.
10. “Television won’t last. It’s a flash in the pan.” — Mary Somerville, pioneer of radio educational broadcasts, 1948.
11. “[Television] won’t be able to hold on to any market it captures after the first six months. People will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night.” — Darryl Zanuck, movie producer, 20th Century Fox, 1946.
12. “When the Paris Exhibition [of 1878] closes, electric light will close with it and no more will be heard of it.” – Oxford professor Erasmus Wilson
13. “Dear Mr. President: The canal system of this country is being threatened by a new form of transportation known as ‘railroads’ … As you may well know, Mr. President, ‘railroad’ carriages are pulled at the enormous speed of 15 miles per hour by ‘engines’ which, in addition to endangering life and limb of passengers, roar and snort their way through the countryside, setting fire to crops, scaring the livestock and frightening women and children. The Almighty certainly never intended that people should travel at such breakneck speed.” — Martin Van Buren, Governor of New York, 1830.
14. “Rail travel at high speed is not possible because passengers, unable to breathe, would die of asphyxia.” — Dr Dionysys Larder (1793-1859), professor of Natural Philosophy and Astronomy, University College London.
15. “The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to no one in particular?” — Associates of David Sarnoff responding to the latter’s call for investment in the radio in 1921.
Two Italian Men Get On A Bus
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”
“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”
Marriage and Wedding Quotes
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.”
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.”
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.”
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.”
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.”
“You don’t marry one person; you marry three: the person you think they are, the person they are, and the person they are going to become as a result of being married to you.”
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
“Marriage is getting to have a sleep over with your best friend, every single night of the week.”
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.”