Jokes – Work #4

Winning Job Application
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald’s fast-food establishment in Florida… and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.


LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.



PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?


DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.


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Super Business Slogans
Local ad for a plumber:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in Pennsylvania:
“Don’t sleep with a drip – call your plumber.”

Pizza shop slogan:
“7 days without pizza makes one weak.”

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout.”

Door of a plastic surgeon’s office:
“Hello, can we pick your nose?”

Sign at the psychic’s hotline:
“Don’t call us, we’ll call you.”

At a laundry shop:
“How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?”

Billboard on the side of the road:
“Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.”

Outside a muffler shop:
“No appointment necessary, we hear you coming.”

On a desk in a reception room:
“We shoot every third salesman, and the second one just left.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
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Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren’t
• I need you to whip it out by 5:00!
• Mind if I use your laptop?
• Put this in my box before you leave.
• I want it on my desk now!
• Hmm. I think I’m out of fluid.
• My equipment’s so old, it takes forever to finish!
• It’s an entry level position.
• When do you think you’ll be getting off today?
• It’s not fair… I do all the work while he just sits back!
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Top Ten Signs Your Co-Worker Is A Hacker
10. Everyone who ticks him off gets a $26,000 phone bill.

9. He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeeez!” 295 times during the movie “The Net.”

4. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. His video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among turn-ons.

2. Instead of the “Welcome” voice on AOL, you overhear, “Good Morning, Mr. President.”

And the Number One sign your co-worker is a computer hacker…
(how come the number one is always the dumbest and least funny of em all?)

1. You hear him murmur, “Let’s see you use that VISA now, Professor “I-Don’t-Give-A’s-In-Computer-Science!”
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What The Engineers Say And What They Really Mean
“A number of different approaches are being tried”
We’re still grasping at straws

“We’re working on a fresh approach to the problem”
We just hired three kids fresh out of college

“Close project coordination”
We know who to blame

“Major technological breakthrough”
It works OK, but looks very high-tech

“Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured”
We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered

“Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive”
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch

“Test results were extremely gratifying”
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works

“The entire concept will have to be abandoned”
The only person who understood the thing quit

“It is in process”
It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is hopeless

“We’ll look at it”
Forget it! We have enough problems for now

“Please read and initial”
Let’s spread the responsibility for the mistake

“Give us the benefit of your thoughts”
We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we’ve already done

“Give us your interpretation”
I can’t wait to hear this!

“See me” or “Let’s discuss”
Come into my office, I’m lonely

“All new!”
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design

Too heavy to lift

Lighter than rugged

“Years of development”
One finally worked

“Energy saving”
Achieved when the power switch is off

“Low maintenance”
Impossible to fix if broken
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Without A Christmas Bonus
Ten signs you’re not getting a Christmas bonus

10. Co-workers refer to you as “the ghost of unemployment future”
9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial
8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
7. What you call “my new office,” everybody else calls “the supply closet”
6. Boss’s Christmas card says, “Don’t let the door hit you’re ass on the way out”
5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants
4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under an avalanche of stolen office supplies
3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw
2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word “terrible” appeared 78 times
1. You’re the starting quarterback for the New York Jets
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The Gas Station Employment Test
1) Customer-Oriented Marketing is looking at our job through the customer’s
(a) eyes
(b) file
(c) wallet

2) A good opening to a customer who voices a complaint is,
(a) I’m sorry
(b) I’m upset
(c) You are having a problem

3) Remember, arguing with the customer can only make a bad situation
(a) worse
(b) better
(c) more entertaining

4) Make positive contact with your customers by being friendly,
(a) bashful
(b) enthusiastic
(c) open and interested
(d) flirtatious

5) Using a customer’s name and saying “Thank you” are examples of being
(a) pushy
(b) friendly
(c) patronizing

6) While working with your present customer,
(a) acknowledge
(b) ignore a waiting customer
(c) become interested in and leave the premises with

7) Customers feel you are happy to have their business when you smile and say
(a) nothing
(b) thank you
(c) The gas is free today

8) Friendly service is giving the customer your full attention and making
(a) eye contact.
(b) hand contact.
(c) felonious intimate contact.

9) One way to show customers full attention is to call them
(a) by phone
(b) by name
(c) obnoxious

10) Keep the station
(a) cluttered
(b) neat and clean so customers do not take their business elsewhere.
(c) empty

11) Use the intercom for customer assistance and
(a) safety
(b) entertainment
(c) inaudibility

12) A good opening to a complaining customer could be to tell them you are
(a) excited
(b) pleased
(c) happy
(d) sorry
(e) extremely busy and tired of their whining

13) Customers waiting for island service should be
(a) patient
(b) ignored
(c) acknowledged
(d) important
(e) advised on airfare deals to Tahiti

14) What kind of service should customers get?
(a) quick
(b) friendly
(c) professional
(d) all of the above
(e) incomprehensible, greasy, and fear-inducing

15) One way to give customers personal attention is to
(a) accept credit cards
(b) ignore them
(c) call them by name
(d) talk to two customers at once
(e) encourage them to join you in the booth
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Things To Do In An Office Meeting
Though I don’t recommend it…unless were up for the same job.
1) Take notes in finger paint.

2) Bring a huge jar of Vaseline to the meeting. Display it prominently.

3) At sensitive moments, blow your nose raucously. Apologize for your sinus condition.

4) Laugh uproariously at a quip that was made 2 or 3 minutes ago. Say, “Oh, now I get it!”

5) Wear a disposable paper face mask. Tell the group: “Hey, you don’t want to catch what I’ve got!”

6) Check your watch very regularly, every 30 seconds or so.

7) Make a face like somebody beside you farted.

8) Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the real reason this meeting has been called.

9) Slowly slump in your seat. When you are about to fall off the chair, suddenly straighten up. Apologize profusely.

10) Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.

11) Complain loudly that your neighbor won’t stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.

12) Have someone deliver a large cardboard box to you in the conference room. Apologize while you sign for it. About half an hour later, have a different person deliver another one.

13) Remove your shoes and socks. Lay your socks on the table, turn each one inside out, and inspect them carefully. If anyone says anything, tell them “doctor’s orders.”

14) Roll your eyes at almost everything the boss says. If addressed directly, adopt a cowering posture and stammer pitifully as you reply. Ask that he or she “not hurt you anymore.”

14) During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.

15) Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.

16) Every so often, duck under the table. Stare in horror. Pop back up and look real scared.

17) Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.

18) Take your temperature every so often with a candy thermometer.

19) Distribute free condoms before or after the meeting.

20) Make all the stereotyped facial expressions to indicate that you are a psychiatrist administering psychoanalysis to the speaker. Take notes furiously.

21) Bring a pitcher of non-alcoholic beer to the meeting. As the meeting progresses, start slurring your speech. Belch loudly. Tell your co-workers you can’t help it. Start crying.

22) Have a timer that buzzes at intervals. When it goes off, take a pill from a pill case and gulp it down. If anyone asks, tell them it’s to “prevent the seizures.”

23) Lapse into a staring coma. Drool. Have a confederate wipe the spit from your lips, and say “It’s pitiful. But what can you do?”

24) At opportune times, stick an inhaler in your ear. Inhale deeply.

25)Ask your neighbor, nearer the speaker, to trade places with you “so you can hear better.” Gradually work your way up to the speaker. When you are as close as possible, stare up at them adoringly. After a while, change your expression to a frown, sigh heartbreakingly, and begin to stare into space.

26) Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.

27) Wear shades and carry a walkie-talkie with an earphone. Once in a while, quietly say a few words into it.

28) Bring a doughnut cushion and use it. If anybody asks, say that your hemorrhoids are really acting up this week. Offer to share it if they really need it. Be embarrassingly persistent in your offer. Offer to show them how bad they are.

29) Wear brightly-colored earmuffs. Explain that “my ears tend to get real cold at these meetings.” Ask the speaker to please talk a little louder.

30) Stand up and start doing the Macarena. Forcibly wrestle yourself back into your chair. Look real embarrassed. Tell everybody “My doctor’s appointment is tomorrow.”

31) Bring a large box of Depends to the meeting. Stow them under the conference table. Explain to a neighbor: “Just in case.”

32) Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say “uh-huh, uh-huh!”

33) Bring a few telephone books. Add a few to sit on, adjusting your seat height until the top of your head is exactly one-half inch higher than the speaker’s. Explain that you sometimes have trouble seeing the presentation.

34) Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.

35) Play a game of jacks on the conference table. Explain that it helps you concentrate.

36) When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, “Well, here’s the way I see it, J.B…” (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss’s.)
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What's Your Professional Sign?
Rather than Astrological Signs, how about…..What’s Your Professional Sign?

MARKETING: You are ambitious, yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college; concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as ‘marketing without a degree’. You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you begging that you take their money, you prefer to avoid contact with customers so you can ‘concentrate on the big picture’. You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are, instead, content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often, even YOU do not understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by Engineers. You can be happy with yourself, your office is full of the latest ‘ergodynamic’ gadgets. However, we are all aware of what is really causing your ‘carpal tunnel syndrome’.

ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you indicate that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today since you need to get a haircut, have lunch and mail a letter.

MANAGEMENT / MIDDLE MANAGEMENT: Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the remainder of your life. Unable to make a single decision, you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other ‘Middle Managers’, as everyone in your social circle is a ‘Middle Manager’.

SENIOR MANAGEMENT: See above – Same sign, just a different title.

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery and positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children, very few of you asked your parents for a small cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play ‘Customer Service’. Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your Manager.

CONSULTANT: Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your ‘skills’ are in demand and that you could secure a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

RECRUITER, ‘HEADHUNTER’: As a ‘person’ that profits from the success of others, most people who actually work for a living disdain you. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO: You are either brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems, such as the fax machine, suggests the latter.

GOVERNMENT WORKER: Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety, and often commit serious crimes while on the job….hence the term ‘GO POSTAL’.
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Then And Now: Wasting Time at Work
Examine the differences between wasting time at work then (pre-Internet) and wasting time at work now (post-Internet).



Wandered aimlessly around office
until you found something/someone even mildly interesting.

Wander aimlessly around the
internet until you find something remotely interesting.

Laughed at stories about
co-worker’s teenager’s silly exploits and imagined how great it would be to
be a teen again.

Ogle co-worker’s teenager’s
webcam and imagine what it would be like to be with a teen.

Drift over to "Harry – the
guy with the radio" to hear about any work time news.

Post commentary for thousands in
your blog 3 seconds after news breaks.

Blew stuff up in the microwave.

Watch people in Bulgaria blow
stuff up in the microwave via webcam.

Sniffed white-out.

Lick monitor.

Spent hours shredding stupid
jokes and cartoons that friends sent via fax.

Spend hours deleting stupid
jokes and cartoons that friends send via e-mail.

Take a book to the bathroom and
enjoyed a long break.

Install a micro-camera in the bathroom and charge $9.95 a month for voyeurs to watch co-workers take a leak.

Harassed ex-girlfriend by
spreading rumors about her at work about her dismal performance in the sack.

Post pictures of her dismal
performance in the sack at

Hid copies of magazines inside
corporate documents so boss thinks you’re a diligent worker.

Keep fingers on Alt-Tab to
switch to that Excel spreadsheet so boss thinks you’re a diligent worker.

Talked to co-workers around
water cooler about latest Welcome Back Kotter and
White Shadow episodes.

Talk to friends via IM about how
much you hate your job.

Figured out how many sheets of
paper the stapler would go through.

Use a ping plotter to see how
many hops it takes to get to

Imagined how much more
fulfilling work life would be if only you could see porn star bloopers on company time.

Live a fulfilling life because
you can watch porn star bloopers and get paid for it.

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Top 10 Reasons You Can’t Find A Job
Let’s face it, finding a good job these days is tough. The economy stinks, folks are getting laid off, and you ain’t got any money. But… you can’t find a job. No surprise, stupid! Here are the top 10 reasons you can’t find a job.

10. Instead of shaking hands, you ask them to “pull your finger.” What a moron.

9. You’re not willing to risk being downsized, since you’re unsure if they’re referring to your pen!s.

8. In your zealousness to pad your resume, you claim 10 years of Java and 15 years of HTML. But what do they know, they still use Windows?

7. After your interview tantrums, so-called “Equal Opportunity Employers” don’t seem to be buying your “Tourette’s Syndrome” excuse.

6. Small-minded employers find “alien abductions” unacceptable explanation for gaps in work history.

5. You can’t afford shoes. Come on, that’s lame.

4. “Slashed co-workers with a broken coffee mug” doesn’t look as impressive on your resume as you thought it would.

3. Too much time during your interview spent discussing your jihad, not enough on how you would perform as the new personnel counselor.

2. You show up at each interview wearing an aluminum foil suit “just in case of enemy attack.”

And the #1 reason you can’t find a job…

1. You list “smokin weed” as a hobby on the job application. And you wonder why they never sent you over for the drug test.
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Why I Need A New Job
Comment from CEO: “Advancement in this company is based entirely on merit. It’s been that way since my grandfather bought the company.”

Comment from my Boss: “It seems you’re just an over-achiever and that’s simply not good for the team.”

After several strong sales months, my company decided to print ‘employee appreciation t-shirts’. They went on sale the following Monday.

“I just got another email message from our office in Spain and it is still in Spanish. I think there’s a problem with our Internet connection.”

I needed two days off, but I had no vacation time left. When I offered to work extras hours to offset this time my Boss said “Absolutely not. You are salaried and expected to work extra hours. How would I distinguish between the extra hours you are expected to work and the extra hours you want to work?”

My Boss thought his nasty email message to the President was anonymous, until the President replied and requested an immediate meeting with my Boss and the Personnel Director.

Instructions from my Boss: “We have four, 15-inch computer monitors in storage. I want you to get the biggest one and put it in my office.”

After a year’s hard work, I did not receive a raise. My Boss said “Your work is important, but not valuable”.

My Boss returned his modem to the computer store. He said “The lights on the front kept flickering.”

I work at a retirement home. They just posted a sign which reads: “It is now illegal to harm residents.” Is this a new rule?

My boss wanted to send a fax to our head office, but he was afraid someone else would read it besides the President. So I told him to put it in an envelope before he faxed it. He did!

“I just went to some computer training and I learned some really neat tricks. There’s a way to erase a disk with just one command.” Smiling ear-to-ear, my Boss pushed me out of the way and typed “Erase C:*.*”

After a recent Human Resources survey, it was clear that my salary was well below the industry average for paralegals. To correct the situation, my Boss changed my title.
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The History Of Meetings
The first meeting ever was held back in the Mezzanine Era. In those days, Man’s job was to slay his prey and bring it home for Woman, who had to figure out how to cook it. The problem was, Man was slow and basically naked, whereas the prey had warm fur and could run like an antelope. (In fact it was an antelope, only nobody knew this).

At last someone said, “Maybe if we just sat down and did some brainstorming, we could come up with a better way to hunt our prey!”
It went extremely well, plus it was much warmer sitting in a circle, so they agreed to meet again the next day, and the next.

But the women pointed out that, prey-wise, the men had not produced anything, and the human race was pretty much starving.

The men agreed that was serious and said they would put it right near the top of their “agenda”. At this point, the women, who were primitive but not stupid, started eating plants, and thus modern agriculture was born. It never would have happened without meetings.

The modern business meeting, however, might better be compared with a funeral, in the sense that you have a gathering of people who are wearing uncomfortable clothing and would rather be somewhere else. The major difference is that most funerals have a definite purpose. Also, nothing is really ever buried in a meeting.

An idea may look dead, but it will always reappear at another meeting later on. If you have ever seen the movie, “Night of the Living Dead,” you have a rough idea of how modern meetings operate, with projects and proposals that everyone thought were killed, rising up constantly from their graves to stagger back into meetings and eat the brains of the living.
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Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear From Your Consultant
1. You’re right; we’re billing way too much for this.
2. Bet you I can go a week without saying “synergy” or “value-added”.
3. How about paying us based on the success of the project?
4. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
5. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.
6. I don’t know enough to speak intelligently about that.
7. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
8. I can’t take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.
9. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
10. Everything looks okay to me. You really don’t need me.
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Top Signs That You Have A Boring Job
• You’re introduced to everyone as “The Minesweeper God”.
• You have visited every website in the world.
• You’re the Spelling Bee Coordinator in rural Alabama.
• You are the only one that is ready for the rush of ticket sales for that New Kids on the Block reunion tour.
• You’re able to pull staples out of papers with your teeth.
• Your doctor says that he’s never seen someone exposed to so much photocopier radiation in his life.
• Your workload is so intense that you can write Top 10 lists all day long.
• In your 10 years on the force as an Amish Traffic Cop, you have not had to write one single speeding ticket.
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Why A Messy Office Is Better Than A Clean One
10. Annoying coworkers will give your cubicle a wide berth.
9. Tons of visual aids in reach to use for explanations about last night’s episode of Alias.
8. Much more likely to trip and injure yourself for your entry into the lawsuit lottery.
7. Ability to waste an entire day cleaning your office.
6. In case of hostage situation, plenty of makeshift weapons.
5. Perfect camouflage for your unwashed clothes.
4. Taking bets on rat races can be highly profitable.
3. You can pretend to lose the file that will delay the meeting much more easily.
2. If you spill your coffee, there are always crumbs to soak it up.
1. Makes you look busier than neatnik coworkers.
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The Top Don'ts At The Office Christmas Party
• Don’t go up to your boss and make the comparison of him with Santa because he’s fat, jolly and only works one day out of the year.
• Don’t put your boss in a sleeper hold just to bargain for a better salary.
• Don’t offer anyone a hit from your Egg-Nog funnel.
• Don’t call your best client and tell him how much you fudged his books by just so you could throw this party in the first place.
• Don’t chase the secretary around with mistletoe and an eggbeater.
• Don’t tell your boss that you’re the one that runs the company.
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Why I Was Fired From The Toy Store
Some of the many reasons I was fired from working at the local toy store…
• Every time you’re passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to “end it all.”
• You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks.
• You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer.
• Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they’re the new “Jerry Springer” edition.
• The “My Little Taxidermy Kit” (with starter squirrel) is not selling.
• Source of reefer smoke finally traced to “nostrils” of Geoffrey the Giraffe.
• Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel.
• Caught hocking phlegm into tykes’ hands and telling them it was “homemade Gack.”
• Your sales display, “Barbie’s Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu” was not exactly an overwhelming success.
• Too many reports from people who swear they saw Geoffrey the Giraffe in a leather bar.
• Regardless of the question, you answer, “Bite me, kid — I’m on break.”
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Things That Look Bad On A Job Application
1. I’m really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good.
2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down.
3. I’ll kill myself if I don’t get a job.
4. I know where you live.
5. Any sentence beginning with “I was recently acquitted…”
6. I’m really tall, so I think I’d be well suited to this job.
7. Happy faces.
8. By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.
9. I’m confident that I’ll get this job. The voices told me.
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Wrong Number
A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the cafeteria and shouted into the phone, “Get me a coffee quickly!” The voice from the other side responded, “You fool you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to, dumbo?” “No”, replied the trainee. “It’s the Managing Director of the company, you fool!” The man shouted back, “And do you know who YOU are talking to, you old Bastard?” “No.”, replied the Managing Director. “Good!”, replied the trainee and put down the phone!
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Things You’d Love To Say Out Loud At Work
1) I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
2) I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3) How about never? Is never good for you?
4) I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5) I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6) I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7) I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8) I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9) It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
10) Ahhh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11) I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12) You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13) I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don’t give a damn.
14) I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16) Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17) The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19) What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20) I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21) It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23) And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
24) Do I look like a people person?
25) This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26) I started out with nothing & still have most of it left!
27) Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28) If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29) Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30) Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed it.
31) I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
32) A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33) Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
34) Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
35) How do I set a laser printer to stun?
36) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
38) File that under “Never”.
39) It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
41) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
42) And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
43) Do I look like a people person?
44) This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
45) I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
46) Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
47) If I throw a stick, will you leave?
48) Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
49) Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
50) I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
51) A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
52) Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
53) Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
54) Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
55) Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
56) How do I set a laser printer to stun?
57) I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
58) Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
59) Oh I get it… like humor… but different
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Worst Interview Questions
Here are ten worst job interview questions, along with the characteristics that got them on the list, and some possible rejoinders. Please note that being asked any of these questions should make you seriously consider whether you want to entrust your livelihood and sanity to this organization.

What interests you about our company?
“Um, I heard you were hiring?”

Have you ever brought a lawsuit against an employer?
You can’t ask about this or age, race, health/marital/personal/family issues, and arrests, among other things. You have a choice of responses to this one. You can use the old, boring “I don’t think that’s an appropriate question” line, or you can allow the interviewer to save face with something like “No, but I’m always open to new experiences”.

Why did you take the pen from me?
In this one, the interviewer picks up a pen and holds it out halfway between herself and the applicant, and then silently waits for a response. Eventually the person will ask “what are you doing”, or, more often, take the pen. I would recommend: “When I saw you holding out the pen, I knew what you were doing. Taking it was the fastest way to get the heck out of here. Good day!” If you want to stick around, you can always grab the pen with your thumb and forefinger just above the interviewer’s (ala the old sandlot baseball method for deciding who gets to bat first) and wait for her next move.

Can you work under pressure?
Who is going to say no? You could answer “I’ve been tested to 12 ft-lbs per square inch”, or if you can completely change the tenor of the conversation with “If I don’t get this job I’ll lose my house, my wife, and the eight third-world children I’ve been supporting will be doomed to starvation. How’m I doing so far?”

If you were a character on the TV show ‘Lost’, which one would you be?
Applicant: “Jack” Interviewer: (Raises eyebrow) “Jack?” Applicant: (Pauses and gazes upward as if in deep thought, and then looks interviewer directly in the eye) “Definitely. Jack. But what does that have to do with being an Accounts Payable Clerk 1?” This is a variant of the old “If you were an animal, which one would you be?” question. If asked that question, you might want to go with Sasquatch, noting that “I read that they are telepathic, and that would make this interview go a lot easier!”

How do you define sexual harassment?
“You nailed it! Nice one.” Or if you’re ready to leave “Come closer and I’ll show you.”

What is the airspeed of an unladen swallow?
Upon further consideration, this could be a valid “team fit” question in certain technical disciplines.

Do you ever abuse alcohol or drugs?
“I didn’t realize I had to choose”, or the more tactful “You do realize that the people who test body fluid samples are part of the Teamster’s union? They don’t like people cutting in on their territory.”

What is your biggest weakness?
This question got serious consideration for the top spot, but it’s only the second most likely question to pop up in an interview. All the interviewing tactics books tell you to develop a response that actually demonstrates a strength. Don’t dignify an awful question with a thoughtful response. First, startle the interviewer by saying “I have two”, and then continue with “one, I have an aversion to kryptonite but it doesn’t normally affect my work, and two, you really don’t want me to work overtime during a full moon. Seriously.” You’ll be doing the parting handshake in no time.

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Possibly a trifecta if family issues will effect your career planning! Undoubtedly you have either already heard it or you will in an upcoming interview. Depending upon how fast you want to get out of there you can go with: “In mirrors and on YouTube. Unless I’m undead; then only on YouTube.” Or the ever-popular: “Asking you this question as you ‘re-interview for your position’“ (don’t forget the menacing air quotes). Rubbing your hands together and cackling works nicely, too.
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Top Ten Tricks To Liven Up A Meeting
1. Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the ‘real’ reason this meeting has been called.
2. Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.
3. During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.
4. Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.
5. Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.
6. Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.
7. Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.
8. When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, “Well, here’s the way I see it, J.B…” (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss’s.)
9. Complain loudly that your neighbor won’t stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.
10. Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say “uh-huh, uh-huh!”
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Things Not To Say At A Job Interview
See photo of interviewer’s family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.

Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; “Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.”

Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: “The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don’t ya’ think?”

Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.

Claim you wouldn’t even need a sit-in’ job if Al Einstein hadn’t stolen your secret patent for- ’2000 Flushes’

Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.

Ask if it’s O.K. that you sit on the floor.

Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.

Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you’re not leaving.

Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn’t feel like making anything else up.

Ask secretary if she’ll sit on your lap during interview.

Walk into interviewers office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; “NOW we can begin.”

When making small talk and the Simpson trial comes up, shout; You mean Homer and Marge are in some kind of trouble?” run out of room.

Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; “smell these, these smell funny to you???”

Upon walking in to the office for first time ask reception to hold all your calls.
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Welcome To Wal-Mart
After landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ……
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.”
I then said, “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Don’t be fucking stupid. Of course they aren’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7.
Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”

I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Madam…………
I just couldn’t believe someone fucked you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”

My Supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
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