The Direct Approach For Marriage
The lost art of how to avoid a costly divorce.
1. You’re wearing that dress for a bet, surely?
2. She’s not a drinker but she certainly likes a whine.
3. I don’t need your drama. Go bother someone else.
4. Hey, balls just called. They want you to grow a pair.
5. I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you right now.
6. I’m not responsible for what my face does when you talk.
7. There are two things I dislike about you girl. Your face!
8. Yes, I am crazy and you’d be unwise to mess with crazy.
9. Being opinionated is not the same as being informed dear.
10. OMG! She’s really been hit with the ugly stick, hasn’t she?
11. Nice dress! Where did you buy it, Dick’s Sporting Goods?
12. I’ve met some pricks in my time but you’re the full cactus.
13. I try to see the best in people but you certainly make it hard.
14. You’re upset with me? So what! I don’t exist just to please you.
15. I may have multiple personalities but none of them like you.
Both Are Very Confusing
Once you understand why pizzas are made round,
Packed in a square box,
And eaten as a triangle…
Then you will understand women.
Fuck My Life
1. Today, I broke up with my boyfriend because I found an email he had written to an ex-fling telling her he was single and wanted to meet up. He wrote that email from my computer, in my apartment, on Valentine’s Day. FML
2. Today, my friend was pulled over and told to get out of the car. The officer motioned for me to get out of the car too so I reached behind me to get my shoes. He then pointed his gun at my face and frantically asked my friend if I had a gun. My friend calmly replied “No, but shoot him anyway.” FML
3. Today, I was at my new apartment. My fiancé was coming home so I filled the apartment with candles and put on some sexy music. When he came up to my door, I answered the door, naked. What I didn’t know was that he was bringing his dad to see the new apartment. FML
4. Today, my daughter ran up to a librarian working in the kids section and screamed “MOMMY!” and hugged her. She looked at her and said “I’m not your mommy.” My daughters reply: “I know. But you’re better than mommy” FML
5. Today, I woke up to my wife talking in her sleep, “No Brandon! I don’t want to have sex!” My wife won’t have sex with me when she’s awake OR in her dreams. FML
6. Today, my boyfriend told me in a very natural way that my mother is better at sex than me. FML
7. Today, my aunt informed me that she thinks I’m faking the debilitating disease I’ve had for the past 13 years. Apparently she thinks I just don’t want to go to college or get a job, and that I like living on disability. She also added that my entire extended family agrees with her. FML
8. Today, it dawned on me that I’ve been married for 6 months, but because of the Army I’ve spent only around 12 days total with my wife. FML
9. Today, it is my wedding day. I couldn’t find my very expensive wedding dress anywhere. After almost 2 hours of panic and chaos, I found it in my pool, covered in red paint, with a note on one of my lounge chairs reading, “Today is MY wedding day, bitch.” FML
10. Today, I saw my friends talking about plans for later during lunch. I walked over and asked for the plan. My best friend of 12 years gently took me aside, and said “You know that person in each group of friends that is only around to be made fun of? That’s you.” I just got dumped by my friends. FML
11. Today, I got a letter in the mail about my periodic health assessment for active duty Soldiers. I came back positive for two curable STD’s that are extremely common on Fort Polk. I haven’t had sex with anyone but my wife. FML
12. Today, I got a text from my girlfriend that she was tanning naked. I replied saying I wished I was there to make tanning more fun. She replied saying that its ok because Kevin was there. My girlfriend was tanning naked with another guy. FML
13. Today, my wife created a “Points Reward” system for the privilege of sex. 10 points for doing the dishes, 20 for the laundry, etc. How many points do I need before I can have sex with her? 2300. FML
14. Today, I came home to find my dad crying. Turns out my parents are getting divorced because my mom had an affair. With a teacher at my school. A female teacher. And the school isn’t going to fire her because she’s a good teacher. Every day at school I’m going to have to see her. FML
15. Today, I got a text message. It said, “I’m so drunk. What you up to, girl?” It was my dad. FML
16. Today, my parents were taking a tour of my apartment when my bird started making noises. It was mimicking my moans from when I was having sex yesterday. It was screaming in my voice, very noticeably. FML
17. Today, my wife and I were driving to the gas station, she let me out before she pulled up to the pumps because I had to buy some things from the store. I returned to see my wife proudly filling the tank. Smiling, she told me that diesel was cheaper than regular gas. We don’t own a diesel car. FML
European Economics Explained
Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece. The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town.
When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard said; “You see that bridge over there?
The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built”.
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor’s house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvelous.
When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; “You see that bridge over there?”
The Spaniard replied; “No.”
Funny One-Liners By Billy Connolly
1. Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn’t try it on.
2. Marriage is a wonderful invention. Then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
3. My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
4. Who discovered we could get milk from cows and what did he think he was doing at the time?
5. I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
6. I don’t know why I should have to learn algebra. I’m never likely to go there.
7. If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
8. A lot of people say it’s a lack of vocabulary that makes you swear. Rubbish. I know thousands of words but I still prefer f***.
9. What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
10. When people say ‘it’s always the last place you look’. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
11. When something is ‘new and improved!’ which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
12. Why do people say ‘Oh you want to have your cake and eat it too?’ Dead right! What good is a cake if you can’t eat it?
13. A bird in the hand invariably shits on your wrist.
14. When you’re waiting for the bus and someone asks, ‘Has the bus come yet?’ If the bus came would I be standing here?
15. My advice to you if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat ragged old man were sitting.
The girl looks like she’s having some discomfort so her boyfriend asks her, “What’s wrong honey?”
She replies. “My head hurts.”
Her boyfriend kisses her forehead, and asks her, “Is it better now?”
“Yes,” she says.
Then he asks, “Does it hurt somewhere else?”
“Here,” she replies, pointing to her lips.
So the boyfriend kisses her lips.
“Is it better now?”
She replies by pointing to her neck.
So the boyfriend kisses her neck.
Annoyed at the pitiful public display, the elderly man asks the young man, “Excuse me pal, do you do hemorrhoids?”
Just Some Funny Quotes
• Knowledge is like underwear. It’s useful to have it but not necessary to show it off.
• Sometimes I wonder if all this is happening because I didn’t forward that email to 10 people.
• If you are lonely, dim all the lights and put on a horror movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore.
• Some people are judgmental. I can tell just by looking at them.
• I don’t care what people think of me. Mosquitos find me attractive.
• Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?
• Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
• Always remember that you are absolutely unique just like everyone else.
• I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
• Laziness is nothing more than a habit of resting before you get tired.
• Progress is man’s ability to complicate simplicity.
• Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.
• If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth.
• I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.
• I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
• I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
• A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
• He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.
• People are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
• Conversation would be vastly improved by the constant use of four simple words: I do not know.
• We’ll love you just the way you are if you’re perfect.
Parents Can Never Remember
An old man crashed his car into a very expensive automobile. The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says, “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!”
The old man replies, “Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.”
The old man dials his son as he is about to speak the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says “So you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, you bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him and you.”
The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.” In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep, ten men jump out and beat the hell out of the expensive car owner.
Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says, “Dad I train Navy Seals not dolphins.”
Top Rejection Lines (And What They Actually Mean…)
Female Rejection Lines (Translations)
I think of you as a brother (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in “Deliverance.)
There’s a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)
I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. (You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes upon.)
My life is too complicated right now. (I don’t want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I’m seeing.)
I’ve got a boyfriend. (who’s really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry’s).
I don’t date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn’t even date you if you were in the same ‘solar system’, much less the same building.)
It’s not you, it’s me. (It’s not me, it’s you.)
I’m concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
I’m celibate. (I’ve sworn Off only the men like you.)
Let’s be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It’s that male perspective thing).
Male Rejection Lines (Translations)
I think of you as a sister. (You’re ugly.)
There’s a slight difference in our ages. (You’re ugly.)
I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. (You’re ugly.)
My life is too complicated right now. (You’re ugly.)
I’ve got a girlfriend. (You’re ugly.)
I don’t date women where I work. (You’re ugly.)
It’s not you, it’s me. (You’re ugly.)
I’m concentrating on my career. (You’re ugly.)
I’m celibate. (You’re ugly.)
Let’s be friends. (You’re sinfully ugly.)
To Hell With The Gym, I’m Playing The Odds
In a span of 17 years, 114 people died in weight lifting accidents while at the gym.
In the same 17 year time frame only one man died while eating a doughnut.
Life is about the choices you make.