The Old Sheriff – Tim Conway and Harvey Korman
• BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore
• CAUTION: I brake just for the hell of it!
• CAUTION: I drive like you do
• Don’t drink and drive…
You might hit a bump and spill your drink
• Eat Lamb: 50,000 Coyotes can’t be wrong
• HEY YOU!!! Hang-up and drive DAMMIT!!!
• I killed a 6-pack…Just to watch it die
• I know what you’re thinking…Shame on you!!!
• I love animals…they’re delicious
• I need someone really bad…Are you really bad?
• I said “NO” to drugs…but they just wouldn’t listen
• If you can read this…I’ve lost my trailer
• If you’re gonna “Moon”…Make sure your butt’s clean first
• I’m driving this way just to piss you off
• I’m not a tourist…I live here
• I’m not dumb or deaf I just like to block your way
• MAKE LOVE NOT WAR…See driver for details
• WARNING: I failed my urine test
Anecdotes By Famous People
One day while Groucho Marx was working in his garden (dressed in well-worn gardening attire), a wealthy woman pulled up in a Cadillac and endeavored to persuade the “gardener” to come and work for her. “How much does the lady of the house pay you?” she asked.
“Oh, I don’t get paid in dollars.” Groucho replied, glancing up. “The lady of the house just a lets me sleep with her.”
Marx, Groucho [Julius]; US comedian, member of the Marx Brothers
Oliver Herford was traveling on a crowded trolley one day with his young nephew seated on his lap. Indeed, so crowded was the car that when an attractive blonde woman later embarked, she was obliged to stand.
Herford, admiring the fine-featured woman, turned to his nephew: “My boy,” he asked, “why don’t you get up and give the lady your seat?”
Herford, Oliver; US humorist, illustrator, and writer.
In his capacity as a comedian on “You Bet Your Life” Groucho Marx interviewed many of the show’s participants. He once met a certain Mrs. Story, who claimed to have given birth to twenty-two children.
“I love my husband.” Mrs. Story said by way of explanation.
“I like my cigar, too,” Groucho replied, “but I take it out once in a while!”
Marx, Groucho [Julius]; US comedian, member of the Marx Brothers
While working as an impecunious young reporter in Virginia City, Mark Twain was walking down the street one day, a cigar box tucked under his arm, when he encountered a wealthy matron of his acquaintance. “You promised me,” she said reproachfully, “that you would give up smoking.”
“Madam,” Twain replied, “this box does not contain cigars. I’m just moving.”
Twain, Mark [Samuel Langhorne Clemens]; US humorist, writer & lecturer.
Taft once found himself stranded at a small country railway station. Informed that the express train would stop only for a large group, Taft wired the conductor: “Stop at Hicksville. Large party waiting to catch train.”
When the train stopped, Taft boarded and turned to the confused conductor. “You can go ahead.” he declared. “I am the large party.”
Taft, William Howard; 27th president of the United States. (Incase you don’t know President Taft weighed about 300 pounds.)
Of the Greek Prime Minister Plasteras, Winston Churchill once remarked: “Well, I hope he doesn’t have feet of clay, too.”
Churchill, Sir Winston; British statesman, Prime Minister.
Samuel Goldwyn arrived in his office one morning and found on his desk a copy of The Making of Yesterday: The Diaries of Raoul de Roussy de Sales, 1938-1942, which someone had suggested for possible film adaptation.
Goldwyn examined the volume with astonished glee. “How do you like that!” he exclaimed. “Four years old and the kid keeps a diary!”
Goldwyn, Samuel; Cofounder of Goldwyn Pictures & MGM.
Billy Wilder, visiting Paris for the opening of ‘Some Like It Hot’, was asked by his wife to send back a few things: some Charvet ties for a friend and a bidet for herself.
Some time later, Wilder cabled her from Paris: “Charvet ties on way but impossible to obtain bidet. Suggest handstand in shower.”
Wilder, Billy [Samuel]; US screenwriter and film director.
Lucy Lawless was once asked what Xena (her character on Xena, Warrior Princess) would make of Superman.
“Xena would probably think [he] is a fruit.” she declared.
“She’d distract him with something like, ‘Hey, look at that run in your tights!’ – then stuff him back into his telephone booth.”
Lawless, Lucy; American actress, Xena, Warrior Princess
Stephanie March, perhaps most noted for her role on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, was often asked about legal issues.
“If I could make laws, I would devote my life to bringing the phone company to its knees.” she once declared. “In the time it took them to install a fax line, I could have had several children.”
March, Stephanie; American actress, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Chris Evert Lloyd was renowned for her incredible powers of concentration. During a match at a junior tournament, Chris repeatedly ran into a chair which had inadvertently been left near the back line.
After the match she was asked, “Why didn’t you move the chair back against the fence?”
Replied Miss Lloyd: “What chair?”
Lloyd, Chris[tine] Evert; US tennis player, Wimbledon singles champion
So slim was the outfit chosen by Anna Kournikova for her GQ cover shoot that production artists were obliged to “lend her a little cover.”
“My manager wants me to dress like a nun,” Kournikova declared, “and I want to look like a teenager.”
Kournikova, Anna; Russian tennis player
Why It’s Important To Drink
Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, ‘It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.’
Fun Things To Do While Taking A Drivers Test
1. Turn the radio on. When the instructor’s hand reaches to turn it off, slap his/her hand.
2. Rev the car really high, turn to the instructor, and say with an evil look, “Buckle Up!”
3. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of saran wrap so he doesn’t get the seat dirty.
4. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood and say, “oops!”
5. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, “now which one is the gas again?”
6. Fill your car with beer bottles.
7. After the instructor gets in the car, pop the hood, get out and change the oil.
8. Throughout the entire test, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.
9. Swear at everybody on the road.
10. Tell the Registrar that you are taking the remedial test.
11. When your at a red light look back and forth between the light and the person next to you.
12. Beep your horn at everything.
13. Flip everyone off.
14. Before you go to take the test hang a stuffed hand outside the trunk so that it looks like someone is inside.
15. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the instructor to hold it
Trivia: New & Old
Alaska could hold the 21 smallest States.
[But then it would be REALLY crowded!]
If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.
[Big deal. The same thing happens if you throw a drunk in a pool.]
Kermit the Frog is left-handed.
[Doesn't something have to be alive to favor a 'hand'? "Oh look, my cactus is right-handed."]
Nondairy creamer is flammable.
[A possible cause of heartburn.]
If you can see a rainbow you must have your back to the sun. If you don’t, you can’t see it.
[It's a trick! Never turn your back on the sun!!]
It’s rumored that sucking on a copper penny will cause a breathalyzer to read 0.
[This occurs when the penny sticks in your throat, causing death.]
Dogs and humans are the only animals with prostates.
[Ever try to give your dog a home prostate exam?]
Assuming Rudolph was in front, there are 40,320 ways to arrange the other eight reindeer.
[For people who have way to much time on their hands.]
The dial tone of a normal telephone is in the key of “F”.
[The key of "F" is phonetic for fone."]
The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.
[This explains why every koala bear in the US is kept behind bars. One may be the killer OJ is looking for.]
The ship, the Queen Elizabeth 2, should always be written as QE2. QEII is the actual queen.
[The queen can't do numbers.]
There were no squirrels on Nantucket Island, Massachusetts until 1989.
[It took the island that long to collect enough nuts.]
The correct response to the Irish greeting, “Top of the morning to you,” is, “and the rest of the day to yourself.”
[This is a myth. The Irish have no concept of morning due to excessive drinking the night before.]
The Les Nessman character on the TV series WKRP in Cincinnati wore a Band-Aid in every episode, either on himself, his glasses, or his clothing.
[He was amazingly careless.]
Before Prohibition, Shlitz Brewery owned more property in Chicago than anyone else, except the Catholic church.
[During Prohibition people discovered the English translation of the word "Shlitz."]
When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home to a sellout crowd, the stadium becomes the state’s third largest city.
[And by then end of the game, they've shucked the entire corn harvest.]
John Larroquette of “Night Court” and “The John Larroquette Show” was the narrator of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”
[It's amazing; he sounds just like a chainsaw!]
Ohio is listed as the 17th state in the U.S., but technically it is Number 47. Until August 7, 1953, Congress forgot to vote on a resolution to admit Ohio to the Union.
[Obviously Ohioans were living in sin all those years.]
When Saigon fell, the signal for all Americans to evacuate was Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas” being played on the radio.
[Snow in Saigon? That wouldn't sound suspicious.]
The dome on Monticello, Thomas Jefferson’s home, conceals a billiards room. In Jefferson’s day, billiards were illegal in Virginia.
[The founders of our country felt anything with that many balls must be evil.]
The pet ferret (Mustela putorias furo) was domesticated more than 500 years before the house cat.
[Trick statement. The house cat has NEVER been domesticated.]
I Knew There Was A Good Reason I Wanted My Wife To Go Back To College
Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-conscious about my advancing years. One morning I complained to my husband that I was the oldest student in my class. “Even the teacher is younger than I am,” I said. “Yeah,” he said optimistically, “but look at it from my point of view. I thought my days of fooling around with college girls were over!”
Star Trek Future
I would love to have a device that would stun people into unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it ten times a day. If I got bad service at the convenience store, I’d zap the clerk. If somebody with big hair sat in front of me at the theater, zap!
On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning people with phasers. It happens all the time. All you have to do is claim you were possessed by an alien entity. Apparently, that is viewed as a credible defense in the Star Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world where the “alien possession” defense is credible.
I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor’s dog likes to stand under my bedroom window on the other side of the fence and bark for hours at a time. My neighbor has employed the bold defense that he believes it might be another neighbor’s dog, despite the fact that I am standing there looking at him barking only twenty feet away.
In a situation like this, a phaser is really the best approach. I could squeeze off a clean shot through the willow tree. A phaser doesn’t make much noise, so it wouldn’t disturb anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and I could both get some sleep. If the neighbor complains, I’ll explain that the phaser was fired by the other neighbor’s dog, a known troublemaker who is said to be invisible.
And if that doesn’t work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated.
Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100 percent human. I like the thought of technology becoming part of my body. As a human, I am constantly running to the toolbox in my garage to get a tool to deal with some new household malfunction.
If I were a cyborg, I might have an electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set. That would save a lot of trips. From what I’ve seen, the cyborg concept is a modular design, so you can add whatever tools you think you’d use most.
I’d love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked at someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I’d like that. I’d program myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little message would appear in my viewfinder that said, “Target Locked On”.
It would also be great to have my computer built into my skull. That way I could surf the Net during useless periods of life, such as when people talk to me. All I’d have to do is initiate a head-nodding subroutine during boring conversations and I could amuse myself in my head all day long.
I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge rush of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it for the look. Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology has something for everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine everyone wanting to be a cyborg.
The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and you’re at the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way out of the casket and slay all the mourners.
But that risk can be minimized by saying you have an important business meeting, so you can’t make it to the service.
I wish I had an invisible force field. I’d use it all the time, especially around people who spit when they talk or get too close to my personal space. In fact, I’d probably need a shield quite a bit if I also had a phaser to play with.
I wouldn’t need a big shield system like the one they use to protect the Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I could insult dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs of personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in the future.
If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to scan for new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid work. You could run a continuous scan for your boss and then quickly transport yourself out of the area when he came near. If your manager died in his office, you would know minutes before the authorities discovered him, and that means extra break time.
Vulcan Death Grip
Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no such thing as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish there were. That would have come in handy many times.
It would be easy to make the Vulcan Death Grip look like an accident: “I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.”
I think the only thing that keeps most people from randomly killing other citizens is the bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood of getting caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip, it would be clean and virtually undetectable.
Everybody would be killing people left and right. You wouldn’t be able to have a decent conversation at the office over the sound of dead co-workers hitting the carpet.
The most common sounds in corporate America would be, “I’m sorry I couldn’t give you a bigger raise, but… erk!”
And that’s why the future won’t be like Star Trek.
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men have jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love children.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more,’ so she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love children, and are extremely good looking.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Universal Doctor Translator
“This should be taken care of right away.”
This is easy and profitable so I want to fix it before it cures itself
“Welllllll, what have we here…”
I don’t have any idea what it is, and hope you’ll give me a clue
First I have to check my malpractice insurance
“Let me check your medical history.”
I want to see if you’re paid up before spending any more time with you
“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”
I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time
“I have some good news and some bad news.”
The good news: I get a new BMW. The bad news: You’re going to pay for it.
“Let’s see how it develops.”
Maybe in a few days it will turn into something that can be cured
“Let me schedule you for some tests.”
I have a forty percent interest in the lab
“I really can’t recommend seeing a chiropractor.”
I hate those guys horning in on our fees
I haven’t the faintest idea what to do. Maybe the Nurse will interrupt
“I’d like to have my associate look at you.”
He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune
“How are we today?”
I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell
“If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”
I don’t know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself
“That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”
I think I’m going to throw up
This may smart a little.”
Last week two patients bit through their tongues
“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we?”
I’m stalling for time. Who are you, and why are you here bothering me?
“This should fix you up.”
The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms.
“I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig
“Everything seems to be normal.”
I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all
“I’d like to run some more tests.”
I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this
“Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?”
I’m hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees
If those symptoms persist, call for another appointment.”
I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I’m off next week
“There is a lot of that going around.”
My God, that’s the third one this week… I’d better learn something about this
“Why don’t you slip out of your things.”
I haven’t had a good laugh all day
Work Place Laws
• A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants
• Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted
• The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard
• When bosses discuss improving productivity, they don’t mean themselves
• Mother said there’d be days like this, but she never said there’d be so many
• Everything can be filed under “Miscellaneous”
• Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour
• To err is human, to forgive is not company policy
• Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail
• The last person to quit is held responsible for everything that’s wrong
• There is never enough time to do it right, but always time to do it over
• The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization
• If you’re good, you get a lot of work. If you’re really good, you get out of it
• You’re always doing something marginal when the boss drops by
• People are always available for work in the past tense
• If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done
• Authority is inversely proportional to the number of pens a person carries
• When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried
• You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like
• The longer the title, the less important the job
• Machines that have broken down will work fine when the repairman arrives
• Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse
• All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one’s own
• Success is just a matter of luck…just ask any failure
• Anyone can do any amount of work…provided it’s not the work he’s supposed to do