A Living Room with… Boobs? – Smack the Pony
Dogshit – Very poor quality
Bullshit – Not true
Horseshit – Nonsense
Apeshit – Rambunctious
Batshit – Insane
Chickenshit – Cowards
Ratshit – Poor Quality
No Shit – Obviously
Holy Shit – Mind Blowing/Unbelievable
Hot Shit – Very Good
Dipshit – A Total Dumbass
Tuff Shit – Take It Or Leave It.
Jack Shit – Nothing
The Shit – Perfection
A Motorcycle Cop In The Hospital
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn’t told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so
Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.
“Get well quick….. from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.”
New Guidelines For Employees
1. DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
2. SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
4. PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays and Sundays.
5. VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1, July 4, and December 25.
6. BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for deceased friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your work is done.
7. OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
8. RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going once each day, in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees’ supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
9. LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
A Veterinarian Goes To Her Doctor
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: “Hey look, I’m a vet – I don’t need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what’s wrong just by looking. Why can’t you?”
The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, squeezed her here and there, and then wrote out a prescription. “There you are. Of course, if that doesn’t work, we’ll have to have you put down.”
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: Cause you’re fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline
A: So what’s your question?
Q: What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him).
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure.
Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Pentagon Plans To Nuke The Moon
The Pentagon: It has been revealed that a secret U.S. project in the 1950′s called for detonating an atom bomb on the moon as a demonstration of the nation’s Cold War might. The project was never carried out. But the planning included calculations by astronomer Carl Sagan – then a young graduate student. Officials believed that viewing the nuclear flash from Earth might have intimidated the Soviets and boosted Americans’ confidence. A missile was to carry a small nuclear device and launched toward the moon, where it would be detonated upon impact. Officials apparently abandoned the idea because of the danger to people on Earth in case of a failure.
‘SNL’ ‘Fox & Friends’ Corrections
Once again, Saturday Night Live opened with a sketch that poked fun at Fox News’s Fox & Friends — and ended with a fast-moving scroll that listed a few things the show’s fact-checkers wanted to set straight before going to break. As always, the corrections were topical (“Jason Collins was not turned gay by a Washington Wizard”), totally random (“New York exists outside the mind of Billy Joel”), and everything in between.
Here’s the full list:
Kentucky Derby losers are not turned into Ikea meatballs.
Dzhokhar Tsarnaev did not accidentally blow up vowels in his own name.
The chupacabra does not deliver presents on Cinco De Mayo.
President Obama does not want to take away T-shirt guns.
Most women have only two breasts.
The Memphis Grizzlies are not a gay blues band.
Scientology was not founded by I Ron Man.
Bangladesh is not an 80s metal band.
Peaking at ladies’ butts is not a background check.
Actual crows do have feet.
Pot pie is legal in every state.
The California wildfires are not a soccer team.
Jason Collins was not turned gay by a Washington Wizard.
The NRA is not a branch of government.
Foreign visas do not let Russian students go on shopping sprees.
Rick Moranis was never put on death row for shrinking his children.
New York exists outside the mind of Billy Joel.
A French press is not lifting weights with your tongue out.
Lena Dunham is not a girl ventriloquist.
Number 2 pencils are not sad that they lost.
Plan B birth control is not masturbating.
Justin Bieber and Anne Frank were not an item.
President Obama did not just wake up in Mexico.
F.A.A. does not stand for “Fart A$$, A$$”
Croquettes are not female crocodiles.
Kanye West is not an African American vacation destination.
Syria is not Arabic for “serious.”
Rice and beans are edible. Ricin beans are not.
Casual Friday is not in the Bill of Rights.
Sam Adams was not too drunk to sign the Constitution.
The Gitmo prisoners are not working on their beach bodies.
Force feeding is not how Jedi’s eat.
Kevin Costner does not live in Watertown.
Smurfs are not elected.
Smurfs are not appointed.
Smurfs are cartoons.
Aretha Franklin and Patti Labelle have been in the same room together.
Anytime minutes don’t let you call the future.
4 and 3 aren’t basically the same thing.
Rock beats scissors.
Zach Braff is not the sound a trumpet makes.
The sad part is that these weren’t made up. FOX “News” actually said them.
Taking The Family To Alcatraz
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco’s Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz.
Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally, they reached the ticket window.
“Five tickets, please,” the father said. “Two round trip, three one way.”
Top Drug-Using Cartoon Suspects
1. Gargamel (From the Smurfs)
Most likely LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in sissy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?
2. Olive Oyl
Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?! She might even be anorexic, she is always giving her burger to her friend. One side question, what the hell are Popeye and Brutus thinking? What is it her personality? NOT!
Can’t explain it. Maybe it’s the name, or the look, but he is suspicious.
This is an easy one. I mean c’mon. Roid monkey #1. “BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!!!!” Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the shit in his pet tiger. Can we say “Animal Abuse”?
5. Yogi and Boo Boo
We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave and trip. Another side? – Are they gay? I mean, take a look at BooBoo. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…..
The number one downer abuser in toon land. Can’t someone slip him an upper every year or two. The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the picture of the babe. Sort of makes you wonder.
7. Dopey Dwarf
He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are under investigation. Allegations are that Doc is writing some extra scripts for Sneezy and all the guys partaking are afloat.
8. Daffy Duck
If he isn’t using crack, Merion Barry is clean. He is so wired he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time. Some symptoms might be from “daffiness” but Haldol wouldn’t work for him.
By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed per episode does pot no if, ands, or, buts about it. And Look at the way him and his friends painted that van! Pretty rad design dude.
The Difference Between Country-Western And Rock-n-Roll
Driving home from church one Sunday, the father tuned the radio to a country and western station.
“How can you stand that stuff?” complained his 16-year-old son. “It’s all about lonesome cowboys, gunfights and broken hearts.” Knowing he preferred rock ‘n’ roll, the dad asked, “Well, what’s your music about?”
“That’s the beauty of it,” the son said. “You just don’t know!”