More Of Bart's Chalkboard
1. Goldfish don’t bounce.
2. Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
3. No one is interested in my underpants.
4. I will not sell miracle cures.
5. I will return the seeing-eye dog.
6. I do not have diplomatic immunity.
7. I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
8. The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
9. All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
10. I will not say “Springfield” just to get applause.
11. I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
12. My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
13. I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
14. I am not deliciously saucy.
15. Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
16. The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with “Hail Satan”. I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
17. There are plenty of businesses like show business.
18. Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
19. I will not waste chalk.
20. I will not skateboard in the halls.
21. Underwear should be worn on the inside.
22. I will never win an Emmy.
23. The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
24. I will not torment the emotionally frail.
click here to close
Dating Tips By Way Of Hollywood
1. People Who Hate Each Other on Sight Usually End Up Falling in Love (“The Way We Were,” “Titanic,” most Astaire/Rogers movies). Actually, people who hate each other when they first meet usually work very hard to avoid each other in the future. And if you ever really tried the sort of things Hollywood calls “meeting cute” – mixed-up luggage, mistaken identities, fender-benders – you wouldn’t end up at a table for two, but in court.
2. If the Person Isn’t Interested – Or Loses Interest – Pursue Them Twice as Hard (see above). Screenwriters must love this one – scenes of rejected suitors (chiefly men) showing up with picket signs, camping outside suburban homes with boom boxes or lying in wait by office buildings are in everything from silent comedies to “Say Anything.” In Hollywood, this dedication marks you as a sensitive soul and often results in true love. In real life, of course, it marks you as a stalker and usually results in a restraining order.
3. If You’re a Man, Try Pretending You’re Gay – Women Will Become Instantly Intrigued (“A Very Special Favor,” “Three to Tango”). No, not really. They may, however, quiz you on the latest Hollywood gossip, beg for exfoliating tips or ask if those tangerine capris make their butts look big. No, tell the truth. Do they, really?
4. If You’re Gay, Don’t Worry About Approaching That Straight Person -He/She Is Latently Gay Anyway, and Will End Up Thanking You (“Bedrooms and Hallways,” “Claire of the Moon,” almost any other indie movie). No, not really. They may, however, end up turning red, pouring their drink in your lap or punching you in the nose.
5. Looks Are Unimportant to Most Women, As Long as You’re Funny (“The Graduate,” “The Tao of Steve”). A firmly cherished belief, particularly among lumpy studio executives who think they get all those dates because they’re charming. Somewhat true in real life, although it should be pointed out that Woody Allen is not just funny, but very funny – and also, conveniently, rich.
6. Looks Are Unimportant to Most Men, as Long as You’ve Got a Good Personality (“Frankie and Johnny,” “The Truth About Cats and Dogs”). Actually, even Hollywood doesn’t really believe this – they know they’re shallow. Which is why, although the homely guys in their movies are always played by homely guys, the plain gals are always played by really attractive women in sloppy clothes. And a polyester waitress uniform still didn’t make Michelle Phiffer any less gorgeous.
7. Upper-class Gentlemen Are Secretly Attracted to Real, Working-Class Gals Who Show Them How to Have Fun (“Pretty Woman,” “Working Girl”). Undoubtedly true if that gentleman is 103 and the real, working-class gal is Anna Nicole Smith. But, unfortunately, nothing to count on – unless you look the way Anna Nicole Smith used to and really want to date 103-year-old men.
8. Upper-class Ladies Are Secretly Attracted to Real, Working-Class Guys Who Show Them “What It Means to Be a Woman” (“Woman of the Year,” “How Stella Got Her Groove Back”). Possibly true for brief periods of time, particularly if it’s the last night of her Jamaican getaway, and you’re a tight young hard body. But just because it worked for Taye Diggs doesn’t mean it’s going to work for you.
9. Breakups Are Inevitable But Can Usually Be Resolved by Chasing the Other Person Down the Street or Embarrassing Them at Work (“Love With the Proper Stranger,” “An Officer and a Gentleman,” “love jones”). Actually, that’s more likely to result in another one of those restraining orders. See Lie No. 2.
10. On the Rare Chance You Really Break Up, When You Finally Part for Good – Or Meet Again Later – You’ll Share a Significant, Bittersweet Moment (“The Way We Were,” “Now, Voyager,” “Casablanca”). Extremely doubtful, really, compared to the chance that you’ll share a few flung insults, or dishes. As a highly impressionable film fan, though, there’s an excellent chance you will trudge home in a foul mood, open up a pint of ale or ice cream and watch more movies – and wonder, once again, why your love life can’t match them quite so neatly.
Fun Things To Do In A Mall
• Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
• Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
• Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.
• Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
• At the bottom of an escalator, scream “MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!”
• Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
• Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them un-sellable.
• Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King…
• …but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they’re “astronaut food”.
• Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
• Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it’s a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, “You mean you really can’t see it?”
• Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.
• Wear pancake makeup and new clothes, pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
• Test mattresses in your pajamas.
• If you’re patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.
• Sprint up the down escalator.
• Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the “hidden picture”.
• Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
• Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
• At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there’s much meat on them.
• Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
• Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
• Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
• Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.
• In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, “I see London, I see France…”
• Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
• Play the tuba for change.
• Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will “give you a really wicked buzz”.
• Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have “any giant crap made out of straw”.
• “Toast” plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.
• Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.
• Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing “Saved by the Bell”. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
• Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling “scratch one flattop!”
• Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are “leak proof”.
• “Play” the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
• Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
• Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn’t turned blue yet.
• Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they’re real.
• Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say “Domino’s.”
• Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.
• At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back premed.
• Show people your driver’s license and demand to know “whether they’ve seen this man.”
click here to close
Rejected State Motto's
Alabama……….Literacy Ain’t Everything Y’all
Alaska……….Nobody Exciting Lives Here
Arizona……….It’s Not the Heat, It’s the Stupidity
Arkansas……….More Than Kansas
California……….The Bible State (Fire, Floods, Quakes and Drought)
Colorado……….Squarer Than Wyoming
Connecticut……….New York City’s other Suburb
Delaware……….The First State, But Not Much Since Then
Florida……….Come Retire with Us
Georgia……….Most Rednecks ’round These Parts
Hawaii……….Ha Ha — We’re here, and You’re Not!
Idaho……….The White Potato Supremacist State
Illinois……….We’re in the Middle Somewhere
Indiana……….Bring Something to Do
Iowa……….Captain Kirk Is Our Only Famous Son
Kansas……….Don’t Blame Us, We Voted For Dole
Kentucky……….Bourbon and Horses Don’t Mix
Louisiana……….If’en Purchase So Big, How Come We So Damn Small?
Maine……….Shut Up and Eat a Lobster
Maryland……….We’ve Got DC Surrounded
Massachusetts……….Boston and Cape Cod, But, That’s About It
Michigan……….The State, not the Lake Stupid
Minnesota……….Land of 7,000 lakes and 3,000 man-made ponds
Mississippi……….In more Spelling Bee’s than Any Other State
Missouri……….We are not stubborn, just thorough
Montana……….Big Skies, not Much Else Though
Nebraska……….Where Elephants Roam the Corn Fields
Nevada……….Waiting for California to Fall Into the Ocean
New Hampshire……….We’re Just Like Vermont, But Smaller
New Jersey……….Formerly Old Jersey
New Mexico……….We Copied Hampshire’s, Mexico’s and York’s Idea
New York……….Yes, We Have Some Other Cities
North Carolina……….We’re Part of Dixie. Don’t Let Our Name Fool Y’all!
North Dakota……….No, We’re not Part of Canada
Ohio……….As Close to A Palindrome as You’ll Get in This Country
Oklahoma……….From a Musical with the Same Name
Oregon……….No Taxes, No Pollution, No Visitors
Pennsylvania……….Cook and Heat with Coal
Rhode Island……….No, We’re Not Surrounded by Water
South Carolina……….The “other” Carolina, only better
South Dakota……….Closer than North Dakota
Tennessee……….The Parallelogram State, Whatever That Means
Texas……….Don’t Mess with Texas — We’re Armed
Utah……….Our Jesus is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont……….We’re Only Cheap in Monopoly
Virginia……….Tobacco Is Only a Hobby
Washington……….No, the Capitol has “DC” after its name
West Virginia……….We Figured There Was Enough “North’s” and “News”
Wisconsin……….Eat Cheese or Die
Wyoming……….Flat Is Where It’s At
click here to close
Sexual Lines From The Star Wars Trilogy
A NEW HOPE
‘She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid.’
‘Curse my metal body, I wasn’t fast enough!’
‘Look at the size of that thing!’
‘Sorry about the mess…’
‘You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought.’
‘Aren’t you a little short for a Stormtrooper?’
‘You’ve got something jammed in here real good.’
‘Put that thing away before you get us all killed.’
‘Luke, at that speed do you think you’ll be able to pull out in time?’
‘Get in there, you big furry oaf, I don’t care what you smell!’
‘She’s fast enough for you, old man.’
THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK
RETURN OF THE JEDI
Reasons To Become A Nurse
1. Pays better than fast food, though the hours aren’t as good.
2. Fashionable shoes & sexy white uniforms.
3. Needles: It’s better to give than to receive.
4. Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops eventually.
5. Expose yourself to rare, exotic, & exciting new diseases.
6. Interesting aromas.
7. Courteous & infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting.
8. Do enough charting to navigate around the world.
9. Celebrate the holidays with all your friends, at work.
10. Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.
click here to close
You Know You’re Drinking Too Much Coffee When:
• You ski uphill.
• You speed walk in your sleep.
• You answer the door before people knock.
• You sleep with your eyes open.
• You just completed your third sweater today, and you don’t know how to knit.
• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
• You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
• The only time you’re standing still is in an earthquake.
• You lick your coffee pot clean.
• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
• The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
• You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
• You don’t sweat, you percolate.
• People get dizzy just watching you.
• People can test their batteries in your ears.
• Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
• Your Thermos is on wheels.
• You can outlast the Energizer Bunny.
• You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
• You don’t tan, you roast.
• You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
• You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”
click here to close
Things You'd Never Know if it Weren't for The Movies
Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people – whether they are employed or not.
At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry which wire to cut.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society, and run an applications system that everyone is very familiar with.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
Radiation causes interesting mutations-not to your future children, but to you – right then and there – or, over a period of time until you finally go crazy and kill people.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission, or anything else, at the age of 22.
Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down days before their retirement.
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
During all police investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread and one bunch of carrots complete with leafy tops.
It’s easy to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, makeup never rubs off – even while scuba diving or after fighting alien monsters. But if your overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is just what they happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down.
All women who are not virgins, have large breasts, and/or display them, will be killed in a gruesome manner.
If someone says, “I’ll be right back”, they won’t.
Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say: Enter Password Now.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. And none of your friends have to knock when they come for a visit.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with and hear the music in your head.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
Signs You're Out of Shape
• You’ve ever sprained something just trying to turn off the alarm clock.
• People at work only refer to you by saying “Hey fatso!”
• You’ve thrown your back out by carrying a bag of groceries.
• Random strangers come up, poke you in the stomach and expect you to giggle.
• Your record is 34 Pushups and you could have done more if the Ice Cream Man would have taken plastic.
• You get the Christmas gift of Jigglin’ To The Oldies.
• You cramp up while watching the New York City Marathon.
• Watching Rocky 5 is your idea of a workout video.
• The sales clerk nicely but firmly pulls you away from the jeans rack and whispers “Its elastic belt time, tubby”
click here to close
More Funny Bumper Stickers
1. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
2. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
3. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand basket?
4. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
5. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
6. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
7. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
8. Boldly Going Nowhere
9. Cat: The Other White Meat
10. Heart Attacks … God’s Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
11. Honk If You’ve Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
12. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?
13. BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
14. Money Isn’t Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
15. Saw It … Wanted It … Had A Fit … Got It!
16. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
17. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE — PLANT A MAN.
18. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
19. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
20. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
21. If You Can’t Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
22. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
23. I need someone really bad… are you really bad?
24. I don’t care, I don’t have to.
25. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
26. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
27. I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
28. I need someone really bad… are you really bad?
29. I don’t care, I don’t have to.
30. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
31. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
32. I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
33. Horn broken, watch for finger.
34. All men are idiots … I married their king.
35. My kid knocked up your honor student.
36. Earth first…we’ll mine the other planets later.
37. This isn’t burger king, you can’t have it your way.
38. How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
39. If something goes without saying, LET IT!
40. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
41. Help wanted for telepath: you know where to apply
42. Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
43. IRS We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
44. Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
45. I’m just driving this way to piss you off.
46. Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
click here to close
No Parent Left Behind
These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district.
Spellings have been left intact.
1. My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc’s john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She haddiahre dyrea direathe the shits.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don’t know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.
17. Sally won’t be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for their kids.
What to do when your dinner is interrupted:
- Ask them if they’ve got beer
- Start speaking in tongues
- Tell them that person doesn’t live there anymore. Give them the number of an adult service and tell them that it is her/his new number
- Tell them that you’re not there right now
- Ask them if they accept coupons
- Start selling them something else
- If someone calls soliciting donations, tell them you’re poor and ask for money instead
- Pretend you’re a recording and say “The number you have reached is not in service. Please check the number and dial again, or talk to your operator for assistance. Recording A4. Extra points for imitating the 3 rising tones at the beginning.
- Try to hypnotize the telemarketer
- Play a recording of a busy signal
- Put on some really annoying music and put the phone up to the stereo.
- Ask the telemarketer if he/she is single. Then try hitting on him/her. Be sure to mention your various medical problems, your fascination with odd smells and your shrine to the Lawrence Welk Show.
- Use one of those voice changers to disguise your voice
- Ask the TM if he/she minds if you talk to him/her on the toilet. Then take a plastic Heinz ketchup bottle and squeeze out ketchup repeatedly (if you’re ever used this kind of ketchup you’ll know what kind of sound this makes!!!!!)
- Speak in ragga chant
- Try to rhyme with everything the telemarketer says
- Tell the TM that the person he/she is trying to reach is a victim of black magic and has been turned into a poodle.
- Tell the TM that the person s/he is trying to reach has passed on, and that you’re the ghost of him/her.
- Sell them on the “value of high colonics”. Explain your “dedication to good health” in your most convincing, passionate voice.
5 Signs That You Are Turning Into A Dictator
Do you ever get the overwhelming urge to run your own country? Do you ever feel that everyone else is a fool and only you, and you alone, know what is good for the world? Ever feel the need to erect lots of statues of yourself?
If you answer yes to any of these questions, then there’s a good chance that you’re turning into a dictator. Hitler, Saddam, Stalin, Castro… and now, you. Here are five simple signs to look out for if you’re worried you might be turning into a dictator.
5. Absolute power, corrupts absolutely.
You have the power. You are the law!:
When you get into an argument or debate you see it a little differently from normal people. Most people recognize that whoever they’re arguing with has a different point of view from themselves. Not you. When someone disagrees with you they’re not just expressing their point of view, they’re sowing the seeds of sedition, they’re undermining civil stability and spreading enemy propaganda, they’re practically begging to be taken out behind the chemical sheds and shot. Dictatorship here you come.
4. Genocide: It’s not all bad, is it?
2. Eccentric? Moi?
1. Me, Me, Me.
Very Funny Headlines
“Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says“
“Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over”
“Miners Refuse to Work after Death”
“Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant”
“War Dims Hope for Peace”
“If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last A While”
“Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide”
“Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges”
“New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group”
“Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft”
“Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half”
“Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors”
“Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers”
“Iraqi Head Seeks Arms”
“Teacher Strikes Idle Kids”
“Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures”
“Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead”
“Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge”
“Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy”
“Kids Make Nutritious Snacks”
I'm A Senior Citizen
• I’m the life of the party… even when it lasts ’till 8pm.
• I’m very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
• I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I’m going.
• I’m good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid…
• I’m the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
• I’m awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
• I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a word you’re saying.
• I’m very good at telling stories…over and over and over and over.
• I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
• I’m so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
• I’m not grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting, children, politicians…
• I’m positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.
• I’m sure everything I can’t find is in a secure place.
• I’m wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that’s just my left leg.
• I’m having trouble remembering simple words like… uh…
• I’m now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.
• I’m realizing that aging is not for sissies.
• I’m walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
• I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days.
• I’m in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD’s, IRA’s, AARP.
• I’m wondering, if you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
• I’m anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
• I’m supporting all movements now… by eating bran, prunes and raisins.
• I’m a walking storeroom of facts… I’ve just lost the key to the storeroom.
• I’m a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life… Aren’t I?
click here to close
Kids Books You'll Never See…We Hope
“You Were an Accident”
“How to Dress Sexy for Grownups”
“Strangers Have the Best Candy”
“Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her”
“The Little Sissy Who Snitched”
“Some Kittens Can Fly!”
“Getting More Chocolate on Your Face”
“Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?”
“Daddy Drinks Because You Cry”
“Where Would You Like to Be Buried?”
“The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild Animals of North America.
“All Dogs Go to Hell”
“The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking”
“When Mommy and Daddy Don’t Know the Answer They Say God Did It”
“Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia”
“What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?”
“Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver”
“You Are Different and That’s Bad”
click here to close
Lines To Get Out Of Jury Duty
1. I can tell if people are guilty just by looking at them.
2. I am really attracted to you, Your Honor.
3. If a police officer told me I was a bug, I’d believe him
4. I think laws are for sissies.
5. Would I have to bathe?
6. Can each of my personalities vote in the deliberation?
7. My religion specifically prohibits me from sitting near other people.
8. Your marshal’s handcuffs are turning me on.
9. A pit bull named [defendant's first name] just killed my baby.
10. I have Tourette’s syndrome, you %@&%@ %#@$%.
11. I get dizzy if I try to weigh evidence.
12. An eye for an eye. I say we take his head for an eye (point at defendant).
click here to close
New Barbie Dolls
Finally a Barbie real women can relate to! At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and YOUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic.
• Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
• Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie’s bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
• Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
• Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too-muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.
• Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
• No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow’s-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
• Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
• Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It’s time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They’re hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do.”
• Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, and Ken’s boat.
• Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she’s going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
• Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book “Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self” is included.
You Might Be An E.R. Doctor If...
1) Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
2) Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
3) You think that caffeine should be available in IV form.
4) You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants.
5) You believe the waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain.
6) You say to yourself “great veins” when looking at complete strangers.
7) You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, “Boy it is quiet around here.”
8) You have ever referred to someone’s death as a transfer to the “Eternal Care Unit”.
9) You have ever had a patient say, “But I’m not pregnant, I can’t be pregnant. How can I be having a baby?”
10) You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say “I have no idea how that got stuck in there”.
11) Your most common assessment question is “what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?”
click here to close
Fun Pool Activities
1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won’t come down until your demands are met.
2) Tell the lifeguards that they aren’t doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people kind of almost drown today.
3) Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.
4) Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.
5) Take a flutter board and pretend you can’t swim.
6) Hit strangers with your flutter board.
7) Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you.
8) Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, “Oh yeah.. oooh that feels soooo good..”
9) Sit on the top of the water slide and don’t move.
10) Swim near someone and go “Shoot! I knew I shouldn’t have had so much lemonade before I came here.”
11) Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.
12) Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say “HA HA, fooled you!”
13) Scream as someone is jumping off of a diving board.
14) Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.
15) Tell people you saw the lifeguard peeing in the pool.
16) Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.
17) Try to negotiate the price of getting in.
18) Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.
19) When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a discount.
20) Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say “Wheee! I’m Batman!” while running around.
21) Hit strangers with your wet towel.
22) Throw people’s things into the pool.
23) Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grand-finale.
24) Play Marco-Polo by yourself.
25) Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.
click here to close
The Best Punch Lines in Film
When Harry Met Sally
“I’ll have what she’s having.”
Some Like it Hot
Night After Night
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgandy
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
This Is Spinal Tap
The Big Lebowski
It’s a Gift
Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
Dr. Strangelove, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
A Fish Called Wanda
National Lampoon’s Animal House
101 Ways To Be Annoying
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”
3. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip…”
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a “robot” voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will “swipe your grub”.
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark,17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog “Dog.”
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
16. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your “astronaut training.”
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for “violating your airspace”.
19. Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot.”
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc:” them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to
avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a “spider person.”
26. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with “ooh la la!”
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write “X – BURIED TREASURE” in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, its gone now.”
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador.”
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing “Jingle Bells, Batman smells” until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One.”
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer’s mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off “in case the big one comes”.
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as “Feliz Navidad”, the Archies “Sugar” or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to “AaJohn Aaaaasmith” for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each “a.”
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 85. Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your “superior mental processing.”
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!”
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your “imaginary friend.”
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a “magic picture.”
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate “crop circles” in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend “tricorder,” and “scan” people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.
click here to close
You Know You Are In Southern California If:
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $250,000 and still can’t afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child’s 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, & is named Breeze.
5. You can’t remember…is pot illegal?
6. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
7. You also know which Brentwood restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
8. A really great parking space can move you to tears.
9. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
10. Gas cost 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don’t even notice.
12. A woman gets on the bus with live poultry. You don’t even notice.
13. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
14. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
15. The gym is packed at 3 PM….on a workday.
16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S&M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
17. It’s sprinkling and there’s a report on every news station about “STORM WATCH 2005″.
18. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
click here to close
Ways To Tell Your HMO Is Going Bankrupt
• Directions to your doctors office include, Take a left when you enter the trailer park.
• Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
• Only proctologist in the plan is Gus from Roto-Rooter.
• Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is an apple a day.
• Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
• Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges is not a typo.
• The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
• With your last HMO, your Prozac didn’t come in different colors with little ms on them.
click here to close
Are You A Loser?
Madonna once sold doughnuts to make a living
James Earl Jones waxed floors
Jerry Seinfeld sold light bulbs over the phone
Jay Leno failed the employment test at Woolworth’s
JFK lost the election for Class President at Harvard
Source: The Road to Success is Paved with Failure
BUT…All that aside, you’re definitely a loser if:
• You’ve just made the Net’s list of Top 100 Nobodies
Bad English Translations Of Foreign Signs
At least I hope these were mistakes:
In a Bangkok temple: “IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.”
Cocktail lounge, Norway: “LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.”
At a Budapest zoo: “PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.”
Doctor’s office, Rome: “SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Hotel, Acapulco: “THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.”
Dry cleaners, Bangkok: “DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant: “CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.”
On the grounds of a private school: “NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.”
On an Athi River highway: “TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER,
On a poster at Kencom: “ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.”
In a City restaurant: “OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
One of the Mathare buildings: “MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.”
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: “DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.”
In a Pumwani maternity ward: “NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.”
In a cemetery: “PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.”
Tokyo hotel’s rules and regulations: “GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVI OURS IN BED.”
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: “OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.”
In a Tokyo bar: “SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.”
Hotel brochure, Italy: “THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE ANDSOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.”
Hotel lobby, Bucharest: “THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.”
Hotel elevator, Paris: “PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.”
Hotel, Yugoslavia: “THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.”
Hotel, Japan: “YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.”
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
Taken from a menu, Poland: “SALAD A FIRM’S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE’S FASHION.”
Supermarket, Hong Kong: “FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.”
From the “Soviet Weekly”: “THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.”
In an East African newspaper: “A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.”
Hotel, Vienna: “IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.”
A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest: “IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.”
Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.”
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: “TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.”
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: “TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.”
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: “WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?”
In the window on a Swedish furrier: “FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.”
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: “GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.”
In a Swiss mountain inn: “SPECIAL TODAY — NO ICE-CREAM.”
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: “WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.”
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: “IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.”
A laundry in Rome: “LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.”
Evil Overlord List
Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I’ve read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I’ve noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord:
1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them.
7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, “Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?” My reply will be, “No, just sensible.”
8. When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him.
9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks’ time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled “Danger: Do Not Push”.
11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me — I’ll do it myself.
12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
14. I will not waste time making my enemy’s death look like an accident — I’m not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn’t believe it.
15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word “mercy”; I simply choose not show them any.
16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he’s caused.
22. I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”
23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance and she’d betray her own father.
26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way — even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless — my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line “No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!” (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
32. If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am fortunate enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously allow him to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play; rather, he will be so startled and confused that I will easily be able to dispatch him.
33. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
The Warning Signs of Insanity...
• Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn’t expect tentacles to be growing from.
• You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
• You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
• Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.
• You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.
• You’re always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
• Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
• People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
• Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
• Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can’t understand you through that scuba mask.
• You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you’ve stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
• You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
• Your father pretends you don’t exist, just to play along with your little illusion.
• You collect dead windowsill flies.
• Every time the phone rings, you shout, “Hey! An angel just got its wings!”
• You like cats. Especially with mayo.
click here to close
You Know You're Having A Bad Day When...
1. Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell’s Angels motorcyclists.
2. You’ve been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
3. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
4. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
5. You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.
6. You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
7. Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
8. Your income tax refund check bounces.
9. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
10. You wake up and your braces are stuck together.
11. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
12. You put both contacts into the same eye.
13. Your mother approves of the person you’re dating.
14. Your doctor tells you that you’re allergic to chocolate.
15. You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your MasterCard.
16. Nothing you own is actually paid for.
17. Everyone loves your driver’s license picture, but you think it looks awful.
18. The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.
19. You invite the peeping Tom in….and he says no.
20. The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.
21. People think that you’re 40 and you’re only 25.
22. When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
23. You call your spouse and tell them that you’d like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.
24. You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night……and there aren’t any.
25. It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
click here to close
Cheap And Simple Ways To Ward Off Burglars
The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations.
• Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!
• Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. – Any sign of that book we sent for, “The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats”?
• Selma, don’t come in! The boa constrictor got loose again…
• Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!
• To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck…
Signs You Hired The Wrong Kid To Mow Your Lawn
• He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag.
• On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats.
• Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher.
• Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.
• You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.
• He’s fascinated by the details of you home security system.
• Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.
• Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus.
• Turns a goat loose and says he’ll be back in three weeks.
• No toes.
click here to close
Universal Doctor Translator
“This should be taken care of right away.”
This is easy and profitable so I want to fix it before it cures itself
“Welllllll, what have we here…”
“Let me check your medical history.”
“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”
“I have some good news and some bad news.”
“Let’s see how it develops.”
“Let me schedule you for some tests.”
“I really can’t recommend seeing a chiropractor.”
“I’d like to have my associate look at you.”
“How are we today?”
“If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”
“That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”
This may smart a little.”
“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we?”
“This should fix you up.”
“I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
“Everything seems to be normal.”
“I’d like to run some more tests.”
“Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?”
If those symptoms persist, call for another appointment.”
“There is a lot of that going around.”
“Why don’t you slip out of your things.”
Ways To Annoy Osama Bin Laden
From before he died.
• Claim you once saw him at a Hooter’s in New York wearing a yarmulke.
• Ask him if he wouldn’t mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.
• Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you’ve ever attended.
• Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.
• Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.
• Complement him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.
• Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.
• Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.
• Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.
• Ask him if he’s pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the “Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd” Jihad.
• Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, “Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!”
• They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who’s having a baby on Friends.
• Warn him that you’re “in a New York state of mind.”
• Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they’ve ever thought of modeling.
• Ask him, “say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?” just in case he’ll be caught off guard and answer correctly.
• Give him a “noogie” or a “wedgie”. If there’s actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a “swirlie”.
• Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your “holy lands” and blow up his hotels.
• Offer to take him “clubbing” in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.
• When you leave, wave and say, “Shalom!”
Best Ways To Order A Pizza
1. State your order and say that’s as far as this relationship is going to get.
2. Ask if they’re familiar with the term “spanking a pizza.” Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
3. Detect the order taker’s psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
4. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
5. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
6. Perfect a celebrity’s voice. Stress that you won’t take any crap from some two-bit can’t-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
7. Put them on hold.
8. Mumble, “There’s a bomb under your seat.” When asked to repeat that, say “I said ‘sauce smothered with meat’.”
9. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say “No mushrooms, please.” Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
10. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say “You just don’t get it, do you?”
11. When you’re given the price, say “Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math.”
13. Order a one-inch pizza.
14. Order term life insurance.
15. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
16. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often. Act embarrassed.
17. Dance all around the word “pizza.” Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say “Please don’t mention that word.”
18. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
19. Order a steamed pizza.
20. Get taker’s name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, “This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so.” Hang up.
21. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
22. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, “Last guy let me do it.”
click here to close
The Top Signs Your Broker Was Affected By The Stock Market Crash
• “He can’t come to the phone right now. He’s on the ledge.”
• “He won’t be in today…he was made an offer and he refused.”
• “He left the building and not via the elevator. if you catch my drift.”
• “I’m sorry, sir, she’s not in, she’s out digging up your can as we speak.”
• There’s a sign on her desk that says “Next Broker Please.”
• “He’s on another line with his Mommy. Would you care to hold?”
• “No sir, that wasn’t him streaking through the Stock Exchange”
• “He’s meeting with the SEC as we speak.”
• “I’m sorry, ma’am but that was him being led from the Stock Exchange naked except for the sale tickets stuck to his body via maple syrup.”
click here to close
I read every diet I can get my hands on. I even follow their suggestions. But eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again. Now, at last, I’ve found The Answer. After living for almost 14 years with a man who never gains an ounce no matter what I serve him, I’ve found out what it is that keeps him thin: He thinks differently. The real difference between fat and thin people is that thin people:
…avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy;
…split a large combination pizza with three friends;
…think Oreo cookies are for kids;
…don’t nibble cashews one at a time;
…think that doughnuts are indigestible;
…read books they have to hold with both hands;
…become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch;
…fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips;
…counteract the mid-afternoon slump with a nap instead of a cinnamon Danish;
…exchange the deep-fryer they received for Christmas for a clock-radio;
…lose their appetites when they’re depressed;
…think chocolate Easter bunnies are for kids;
…save leftovers that are too skimpy to use for another meal in order to make interesting soups;
…throw out stale potato chips;
…will eat only Swiss or Dutch chocolate, which cannot be found except in a special store;
…think it’s too much trouble to stop at a special store just to buy chocolate;
…don’t celebrate with a hot-fudge sundae every time they lose a pound;
…warm up after skiing with black coffee instead of hot chocolate and whipped cream;
…try all the salads at the buffet, leaving room for only one dessert;
…find iced tea more refreshing than an ice-cream soda;
…get into such interesting conversations at cocktail parties that they never quite work their way over to the hors-d’oeuvre table;
…have no compulsion to keep the candy dish symmetrical by reducing the jelly beans to an equal number of each color;
…think that topping brownies with ice cream makes too rich a dessert;
…bring four cookies into the TV room instead of a box;
…think banana splits are for kids.
click here to close
Female Bumper Stickers
1. So Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me.
2. If They Don’t Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain’t Going.
3. My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips.
4. Coffee, Chocolate, Men … Some Things Are Just Better Rich.
5. Don’t Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would The Queen.
6. Next Mood Swing: 6 Minutes.
7. Of Course I Don’t Look Busy…i Did It Right The First Time.
8. Do Not Start With Me. You Will Not Win.
9. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
10. If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In The Kitchen!
click here to close
Gentle Thoughts For Today
• Birds of a feather flock together…and then shit on your car.
• A penny saved is a government oversight.
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
• The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
• He who hesitates is probably right.
• Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.’
• If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
• The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
• Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs…’
• Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
• Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way.
• I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
• When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
• You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
• One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
click here to close
The Rules Of EMS
1. Skin signs tell all
2. Sick people don’t bitch
3. Air goes in and out, blood goes round and round, any variation on this is a bad thing.
4. About 70% of the battery patients more than likely deserved it.
5. The more equipment you see on a EMTs belt, the newer they are.
6. There is no rule 6.
7. When dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say.
8. All bleeding stops….eventually.
9. All people will eventually die, no matter what you do.
10. If the child is quiet, be scared.
11. Always follow the rules but be wise enough to leave them sometimes.
12. If the pt. vomits, try to hold the head to the side of the rig with the least difficult cleanable equipment.
13. If someone dies by chem. hazards, electrical shocks or other on-scene dangers it should be the patient, not you. (also known as rule 1313)
14. Any EMT, FF, LEO and/or scene chief who is more drunk than the patient is the real problem.
15. There will be problems.
16. You can’t cure stupid.
17. If it’s wet and sticky and not yours, LEAVE IT ALONE!
18. If at all possible, avoid any edible item that firefighters prepare, especially the tuna casserole.
19. God protects Fools and Drunks
20. You are bound to get a call either during dinner, while you are on the can, or at 2am in the middle of a great dream.
21. Rocket scientists that get into stupid car crashes are the first ones to complain how bumpy the ambulance ride is.
22. The severity of the injury(s) is directly proportional to the difficulty in accessing, as well as the weight, of the patient.
23. Hand grenades and turret mounted machine guns usually work better than lights and sirens.
24. Make sure the rookie EMT knows that a med patch is a radio term, and not a medicated bandage.
25. “Paramedics save lives; EMT’s save Paramedics.” (to quote a T-shirt or bumper sticker)
26. EMS is extended periods of intense boredom, interrupted by occasional moments of sheer terror.
27. Every Emergency has three phases PANIC, FEAR, AND REMORSE.
28. If you drop the baby, pick it up.
29. Never trust (fill in the blank) to be fully stocked.
30. If you don’t have it improvise (improvisation is the mother of invention.)
31. Newbie’s always look for large things in the smallest compartments and vice versa.
32. If the pt is going to vomit, aim them at the person you like least.
33. Sick people only call because they couldn’t get into their car. They apologize for bothering you when you have sick people to see. Be scared when you see these people.
34. When a pregnant woman says “The baby is coming”, you’d darn well better believe her.
35. When a patient says “I think I am going to die” he is probably right.
Corollary to rule # 9. Scumbags don’t die.
Rule #9a. Neither EMTs, paramedics, nor doctors can change Rule #9.
Addition to rule #5. The more patches someone has on their jacket, the fewer actual patients they have ever seen. If they have instructor rockers, they have NEVER seen a real patient.
More Bumper Stickers
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• I’m just driving this way to get you mad.
• Guns don’t kill people, husbands who come home early do.
• I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• Earn cash in your spare time…blackmail friends.
• Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
• Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore
• CAUTION: I brake just for the hell of it!
• CAUTION: I drive like you do
• Don’t drink and drive…
You might hit a bump and spill your drink
• Eat Lamb: 50,000 Coyotes can’t be wrong
• HEY YOU!!! Hang-up and drive DAMMIT!!!
• I killed a 6-pack…Just to watch it die
• I know what you’re thinking…Shame on you!!!
• I love animals…they’re delicious
• I need someone really bad…Are you really bad?
• I said “NO” to drugs…but they just wouldn’t listen
• If you can read this…I’ve lost my trailer
• If you’re gonna “Moon”…Make sure your butt’s clean first
• I’m driving this way just to piss you off
• I’m not a tourist…I live here
• I’m not dumb or deaf I just like to block your way
• MAKE LOVE NOT WAR…See driver for details
• WARNING: I failed my urine test
click here to close
How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven’t missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb?
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there
13. Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
14. Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle….
15. Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
The Cat’s Answer: “Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?”
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.
When And When Not To Fart
When not to Fart:
1. In a crowded elevator
2. On a crowded bus
3. In a public library
4. While on a date
5. While giving a speech
6. In church
7. In a crowded classroom
8. In your office when you’re alone – someone’s bound to walk in immediately afterwards
9. In a movie theater
10. In your cubicle at work – again someone’s bound to walk in to visit
11. In a walk-in freezer – it’ll linger a while
12. In an commercial airplane
13. In a ticket line
14. In your car before picking up a family member
15. During confession
16. In bed when you’re feeling frisky
17. In a Cessna
18. While fighting fire in a burning building
19. In a patrol car for a minor violation
When to Fart:
How to Get Kicked Out Of Chemistry Class!
As always, do not try any of the following in real life!
9. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.
8. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, “Does this taste funny to you?”
7. Mutter repeatedly, “Not again… not again… not again.”
6. When it’s very quiet, suddenly cry out, “My eyes!”
5. Deny the existence of chemicals.
4. Write on the board – “Picnic Today” and then when your classmates arrive, begin toasting marshmallows over the bunsen burner.
3. Pour glycerin on all of the counters, and watch the equipment and chemical bottles slide off as they are used in your classmates’ experiments
2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid
and last but not least…
1. Carry a small vile of water and tell everyone that you have the secret to invisibility in there. Place the bottle down and pretend not to be watching it very carefully.
click here to close
Real Flight Announcements
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…”
Pilot – “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land … it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”
And, after landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”
From a Southwest Airlines employee. “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
“Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”
“As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
“Last one off the plane must clean it.”
And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry …Unfortunately none of them are on this flight…!”
Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways.”
Signs You're At A Bad Motel
• The “complimentary” paper tells you that President Kennedy has died.
• The mint on the pillow starts moving when you come close to it.
• The “magic fingers vibration” is supplied by giving a quarter to the town epileptic.
• There is some yellow police tape across the door.
• The pictures are not placed for decoration but to cover up recent bullet holes.
• You have to wait until the guy next door is done with the towel so you can use it.
• There’s a chalk outline in the bed when you pull back the covers.
• The desk clerk has to move the body in order to get some ice for you.
• The Only TV station you can get is a porn channel…staring Roseanne.
• The wake up call comes courtesy of police helicopter.
click here to close
World's Shortest Books: (In order)
25. “Things I wouldn’t Do for Money” by Dennis Rodman
24. Human Rights Advances in China
23. The Differences Between Reality and Dilbert
22. “The Book of Virtue” by Bill Clinton
21. “To all the Men I’ve Loved Before” Ellen DeGeneres
20. “My Plan to Find the Real Killers” by OJ Simpson
19. “Strom Thurmond: Intelligent Quotes”
18. Al Gore: The Wild Years
17. Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean
16. America’s Most Popular Lawyers
15. Career Opportunities for History Majors
14. Detroit: A Travel Guide
13. Different Ways to Spell “Bob”
12. Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches
11. Easy UNIX /* GCFL: come on! it’s not that difficult!:-)*/
10. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
9. Everything Men Know About Women
8. Everything Women Know About Men
7. French Hospitality to non-Francophone’s
6. George Foreman’s Big Book of Baby Names
5. “How to Sustain a Musical Career” by Art Garfunkel
4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. Staple Your Way to Success
2. The Amish Phone Book
and the Number One World’s Shortest Book
1. The Engineer’s Guide to Fashion
Things To Do While Driving
We do not advise doing any of the below “things to do while driving”, as all driving should be taken seriously. The below “things to do while driving” are simply here for entertainment purposes.
• Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.
• Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to head bang.
• At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
• Two words: Chicken suit.
• Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
• Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
• Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
• Stop at the green lights.
• Go at the red ones.
• Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
• Eat food that requires silverware.
• Pass cars, and then drive very slowly.
• Sing without having the radio on.
• Honk frequently without motivation.
• Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
• Ask people for Grey Poupon.
• Let pedestrians know who’s boss.
• Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
• Restart your car at every stop light.
• Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
• Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
• While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars (extra points if you’re a woman and can do this).
• Keep at least five cats in the car.
• Stop and collect road kill.
• Throw Spam.
• Get in the fast lane and gradually … slow … down … to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.
click here to close
Top NFL Reff Complaints
After shooting the blank gun to end the half, the Dallas Cowboy players start shooting back with live ammunition.
Players get “the wave”. . . refs get “the finger”.
Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit Lions risks pissing off their last remaining fan.
With Reggie White retired, the penalty for “Illegal use of a racial slur” is meaningless.
Just when we thought it was safe to be an NFL Ref, we have to go back to frickin’ CLEVELAND!!!
Thanks to instant replay, picking nose during a game is twice as risky.
Everyone else gets to wear their Autumn colors, but for me it’s black and white week after week after week!
Don King only bribes boxing judges.
Official rule books not made in Braille.
I’m the one that everybody wants to kill, so where’s MY helmet and pads?!
You Might Work In An ER If...
• you have a shrine at home to the maker of Haldol patient tranquilizers
• you’d like to see a class in how to do a suicide right… the first time
• you don’t burst into laughter after hearing “But I can’t be pregnant!”
• you always finish your meal in less than 15 minutes
• you have the bladder capacity of 5 people
• you believe the waiting room should have a Valium dispenser
• you have your weekends off planned for a year ahead
• your idea of comforting a child includes valium
• you’ve ever said to anyone “So, did you find the fingers?”
• you believe Ask A Nurse is a satanic creation
• you assume a patient with lower back pain is a drug seeker
• you’d like to do a serum porcelain level on patients if they’re pale
• you want to examine chest clutchers first, bleeders next, then the rest
• you believe 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm
• you’ve ever had an adult look you in the face and say “I can’t swallow pills”
• you believe in aerial spraying of Prozac
• you disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see
• when out in public you compliment a stranger on their good veins
• you don’t think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate
• you refer to someone in respiratory distress as a “Smurf”
• you think unspeakable evil will occur if “Wow, it’s really quiet” is uttered
• your diet consists exclusively of processed food
• you urge obnoxious patients to sign out “AMA” (Against Medical Advice)
• you can easily identify a positive teeth to tattoo ratio
• you have ever referred to the E.R. Doc or triage nurse as a “shit magnet”
• your family members have to be bleeding uncontrollable to get your attention
• you know repeat infant visits the same night is “NPS” (new parent syndrome)
• you refer to half of your patients as “Frequent Flyers”
• you see kids who are brought in “to be checked”
• you’re a “fast track” check-out (faster than a supermarket express lane)
• you stare in utter disbelief if someone covers their mouth while coughing
• you talked to the ambulance crew by radio & put the morgue bag on the cart
• you think any who say they’re allergic to Toradol want real barbiturates
• you think “too stupid to live” is a valid diagnosis
click here to close
How To Tell Where A Driver Is From
* One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago
* One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York
* One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
* One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California.
* Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
* Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
* One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
* One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas (male driver)
* One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas (male driver)
* One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas (female driver)
* Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia
* Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida
What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? Your honor.
What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad? Senator.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? The tick stops draining you and drops off after you’re dead.
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road? The vultures will eat the skunk.
Things You Should Not Say At A Funeral
• Geez, what died in here?
• He looks natural but those shoes do not go with that dress.
• Nice service…where’s the keg?
• When did he die…really…hey Bob, you won the pool!!!
• Hi, we’re with the Publisher Clearing House Prize Patrol and we’re looking for…oh, never mind.
• Don’t look now Fred but you and the deceased have the exact same suit on.
• You know they touched that body up cause that shark has one of them legs.
• Not to cause panic or anything but something is leaking out of that casket.
click here to close
Lines To Make You Smile
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.
2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being ‘over the hill’ is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up..
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken..
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs… A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there’s no background music..
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don’t know what is going on.
click here to close