Advice For Young Girls From Snow White
EUNICE – Carol Burnett – a rarely seen 1979 “Family” sketch
Darwin Awards Mottos
• The tree of life is self pruning.
• I think not, therefore I am not.
• Stupidity is a capitol offence.
• Tragic Proof of a Missing ‘Why?’ Chromosome.
• Tales From the Shallow End (of the gene pool)
• Dumb, Dumber, Darwin
• Evolution Takes a Detour
• “Never bring a knife to a gunfight.”
• “You said there’s always worse, so technically you asked for this…”
• All people improve the gene pool, some by birth, some by their demise.
• Darwin Awards: Gene Therapy
• “You are the weakest link. Goodbye!”
• Sperm: To be fastest doesn’t imply that you are smartest.
• Live and learn. Or you won’t live long.
• Darwin Awards: The Martyrs of Evolution.
• Natural laws have no pity.
• James Thurber said, “He who hesitates… is sometimes saved.”
• God’s H.R. Department
• “Fool proof systems do not take into account the ingenuity of fools.”
• “I heard one bloke say that when he goes, he’d like to go peacefully in his sleep, not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car.”
• Pain is the price of stupidity.
• The Extinction of Species
• Natural Selection in Action
• Population Control Volunteers
• Chlorinating the Gene Pool
• Die and Learn.
• Pissing in the gene pool.
• Nature’s way of saying goodbye.
• A Fool and His Life Are Soon Parted
• One gene short of a chromosome.
• Stupid Human Tricks
• I saw a book titled “Sex for Dummies” and wondered why anyone would teach dumb people how to reproduce?
• (gene pool) Lifeguard Is Now Off Duty
• Dysfunctional Genomics
• Unnatural Selection
• Sometimes You Darwin, Sometimes You Darlose
• A ounce of common sense is worth more than a ton of intelligence.
• Where the gene pool thins to a mere trickle Are You Missing a Helix?
• And We Are the Top of the Food Chain?
• Why? Because!
• Adding Insult to Injury
• Stupidity is its own reward.
• Evolution Fights Back
• Lifeguarding the Gene Pool
• Stupid is as stupid does.
• Stupid is as stupid dies
• Making the Human Race Smarter, One Idiot at a Time.
• If Teaching Evolution is Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Evolve.
• Death by Natural Selection
• Evolution’s Revenge
• Famous Last Words I: I bet no one’s ever done this be…
• Famous Last Words II: It seemed like a good idea at the time.
• Famous Last Words III: Watch this!
How To Get Old Ladies To Cuss
Q: How do you get three old ladies sitting at a table to all stand up and cuss?
A: Have the fourth old lady yell out “BINGO!”
A Credit Card Nightmare
Why Software Quality Assurance Is So Important
In March 1992 a man living in Newton near Boston Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too.
The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn’t send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they’d take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.
The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all. A week later, the man’s bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt. The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
Ineffective Daily Affirmations
* I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
* I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else’s fault.
* I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
* In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
* I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
* I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
* The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
* Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
* Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
* Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to incessant nagging?
* Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than “I told you so.”
* False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
* A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
* Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
* Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute. . . I’ll find someone.
* I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
* The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.
* To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I’m giving as much as I’m getting.
All Purpose Excuse Form
All Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you’ve gotten in. Whenever there’s a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You’ll be surprised how effective this form can be!
c) love of my life
d) Assistant Principal
e) Local Police Chief,
Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
d) Espresso maker
e) Left arm
was severely damaged by my
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully under appreciated
How could I have known that the
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) rodent driven sledge
I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your
c) Cub Scout troop
d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with light bulb in the torch
e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,
you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to
e) pay for,
and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to
a) hate me
b) sue me
c) spank me
d) take my firstborn
e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond,
but I ask you to remember all the good times we’ve had, joshing around at
d) the bowling alley
e) the municipal jail,
and to remember that I am first and foremost your
d) lease co-signer
e) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.
I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that
a) was so stupid
b) was so silly
c) would have been funny if it worked
d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first
e) I’m going to use again on someone else.
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads “low bridge ahead.”
Before he knows it the bridge is right a head of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?”
The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”
Quotes from 11 Year-Olds Science Exams
* “Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.”
* “Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.”
* “When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.”
* “H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.”
* “Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.”
* “Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.”
* “Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.”
* “The body consists of three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five – a, e, i, o and u.”
* “Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.”
* “Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.”
* “The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.”
* “The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.”
* “Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.”
* “Germinate: To become a naturalized German.”
* “To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.”
* “To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow.”
A woman in a Range Rover is driving through the mall parking lot. Eventually after twenty minutes of increasing anger she finds a parking space. As she is about to carefully reverse in, a Porsche 911 appears from nowhere and blasts into the spot.
The driver, complete with sunglasses and racing gloves gets out and smirks at the woman. “That’s what ya call acceleration, lady!” he yells.
Then to his horror he watches the woman back up 100 yards and accelerate up to 60mph right into his precious Porsche, damaging it beyond recognition.
As the woman gets out she shouts, “That’s what you call a rental car with collision damage insurance smartass!”
Pranks Pulled In The Office….
When two (ore more) people are working at desks that are put next to each other, switch their telephone cords. With all those cables lying around it will take some time before they find that one out!
Put a piece of onion or a clove of garlic inside the mouthpiece of a phone. Give it some time for it to fester and build up a strong odor. Then call them.
It is always a good habit to lock your computer before heading off for coffee or a smoke. When someone forgets and leaves a Word document or an email open, type a single word somewhere in the text. “f–k” or so will do nicely. They’ll never notice and send it out.
Go into MS Word or similar program on co-worker’s computer, and add an entry to the AutoCorrect feature. This is a very simple prank that will send the novice user into a frenzy. Configure the AutoCorrect option to replace the word “the” with the phrase “you suck!”. They will usually panic and start scanning for viruses.
Take clear tape and tape the underside of the mouse. Make sure you take the sticky end of the tape and apply it to the bottom of the mouse so it locks the ball in place. The victim will most likely check the connections in the back, reinstall drivers, reboot, etc., before they realize what has happened.
Another gem is to do a “Print Screen” of the user’s desktop, and then paste the image from the clipboard to a photo program, and save the image as a bitmap. Then, set the ‘snapshot’ of their desktop as the actual desktop wallpaper. (You’ll have to hide the Windows status bar, and move all their desktop icons into a folder, which you can hide conspicuously in the corner or something.) The user will see their desktop as always, but everything on it will appear to be frozen when they try to click on it…sending them into a rebooting and virus scanning fit!
This will mostly only work with people with very little PC knowledge. Stick in a floppy in there floppy drive. They will be unable to boot up windows until the disk is out. This is fun to watch.
Try to find a very obnoxious CD laying around. Preferably a reggae or rap CD. Pop it in their CD ROM. Put up the sound full blast by double clicking on the volume control on the bottom right. On normal configurations the audio CD will auto play when windows first starts up. The person starting up there PC in the morning will definitely be embarrassed.
This is for that special person you just can’t stand in the office, the one who talks on the phone all day with their boyfriend/girlfriend and gets personal e-mail all day. Go into their e-mail and change their defaults to automatically “blind carbon copy” their boss or supervisor. Heads will roll!
Change the coffee in the office coffee maker to decafe. Wait about three weeks (or until you think everybody has gotten over their caffeine addiction) and switch to espresso!
Try “password securing” someone’s screen saver. First I suggest changing the screen saver to “scrolling marquee” and inserting your own word or phrase, “Mr. Jones (president or supervisor) eats S–T” or something to that effect.
This one is so simple to do and yields such nice results. Simply pop out the ‘m’ and ‘n’ key on someone’s keyboard and reverse the two. Any flat tool will work. Just pry it with little pressure and they will easily come right off. Then just sit back and watch the confusion.
With someone who is on the phone a lot during work – This works if you have phones that the handset comes apart. Take the handset apart and put scotch tape over the mouthpiece inside. They can still be heard, but they have to talk loud to be heard. The next day take it off, and put it in the earpiece. Usually they will be yelling to the other person on the line the next day, and won’t be able to hear them. When they complain about the phone, and get a replacement, do it on the next phone. After about a week you will notice the calls to be down considerably.
Depending where you are at you may have a cafeteria in you place of work. Every week most of them put out a menu so you know what they are serving. Usually it is done on Word or Excel, and not extremely fancy. With a little work, matching fonts, and images you can make your own menus, and post them by your desk. We had one co-worker avoid the cafeteria for 2 weeks because of the selection “fish head stew” etc… before he caught on. Works great with picky eaters.
Real Mothers don’t eat quiche; they don’t have time to make it.
Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.
Real Mothers know that dried play dough doesn’t come out of shag carpets.
Real Mothers don’t want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.
Real Mothers sometimes ask “why me?” and get their answer when a little voice says, “because I love you best.”
Real Mothers know that a child’s growth is not measured by height or years or grade . . . It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom.