Everything is Samuel L. Jackson’s Fault
Sofia Coppola’s Little Mermaid
New Drugs For Women
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out!
ST. MOMMA’S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, “You make me want to be a better person.”
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.
Super Bowl Tickets For 2017
A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl in Houston on February 5th. They are box seats that include airfare and hotel accommodations.
He didn’t realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding – so he can’t go.
If you’re interested and want to go instead of him, it’s February 5, 2017, at St Peter’s Church in New York City at 5 p.m.
Her name is Kim. She will be the one in the white dress.
May 29, 1903 – July 27, 2003
ON TURNING 70 ‘You still chase women, but only downhill’.
ON TURNING 80 ‘That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.’
ON TURNI NG 90 ‘You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.’
ON TURNING 100′ I don’t feel old. In fact I don’t feel anything until noon Then it’s time for my nap.’
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING ‘I ruined my hands in the ring … the referee kept stepping on them.’
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR ‘Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it’s called at my home, ‘Passover’.’
ON GOLF ‘Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees’
ON PRESIDENTS ‘ I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six’
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER ‘ When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, ‘Congratulations You have an eight-pound ham’.’
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL ‘I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it .’
ON HIS FAMILY’S EARLY POVERTY ‘Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.’
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS ‘That’s how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.’
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES ‘I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn’t for the stuff the audience threw at me.’
ON GOING TO HEAVEN ‘I’ve done benefits for ALL religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.’
An adorable little girl enters a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabiths?”
The shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so he can be on her level, and asks, “Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby?”
Putting her hands on her knees, the little girl bends forward and says, “I don’t fink my pyfon gives a fuck”.
Top Ten Marketing Screw-Ups
1. Coors put its slogan, “Turn it loose,” into Spanish, where it was read as “Suffer from diarrhea.”
2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: “Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.”
3. Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick”, a curling iron, into German only to discover that “mist” is slang for manure. Not many people had use for the “manure stick.”
4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. They later learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what’s inside, since most people are unable to read.
5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of “I saw the Pope” (el Papa), the shirts read “I saw the potato” (la papa).
7. Pepsi’s “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” translated into “Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave”, in Chinese.
8. Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, “It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken” was translated into Spanish as “It takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.”
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as “Ke-kou-ke-la”, meaning “Bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax”, depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent “ko-kou-ko-le”, translating into “happiness in the mouth.”
10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, the ads were supposed to have read, “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you”. Instead, the company thought the word “embarazar” (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”
Bug Spray Salesman
An insect repellent salesman, travelling through the countryside, came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer.
“Sir,” he said, “my bug spray works so well that I guarantee you will never be bitten again.”
The farmer was skeptical, so he made the young man a proposition. “I’ll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray” said the farmer. “In the morning, if there isn’t a single bite on you, I will buy a whole case from you.”
The salesman was delighted. They went out to the cornfield and he striped. The farmer then sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.
The next morning, the farmer went back out to the cornfield and, sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging from his bonds, without a single bite on him. Not one bite, and yet he was a total wreck, looking pale, haggard and drawn.
The farmer was perplexed. “Son,” he said, “you don’t have one bite on you and yet you look like hell. What the devil happened?”
“For crying out loud, mister,” the salesman gasped, “doesn’t that calf have a mother?!?!”
More Bad Little Children’s Books
If you are easily offended just go to the next joke section.
1. Little Willy Pet Killer, Your First Path To Serial Murder
2. The Three Little Fish And The Big Bad Shark
3. God Loves Everyone But You
4. Daddy Said A Word I Never Heard Before
5. Cupcake, The Little Sorcerer Who Eats Her Boogers!
6. Every Time You’re Bad A Kitten Dies
7. How Little Lenny Lost A Limb
8. Art Class Is For Stoners
9. Alexander And The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. And Mom Says Some Days Are Like That
10. Paddington Gets Tanked
11. How To Shave Grandma
12. Pennies & Pins, And Other Fun Things To Swallow
13. We Beat You Because We Love You
14. Sam The Stolen Puppy
15. Little Bad Riding Hood And The Sweet Little Wolf
16. Don’t Set Daddy Off
17. My Naughty Little Sister And Bad Harry
18. Why Mommy Poisoned You
19. Let’s Eat Like A Carney
20. Izzy The Very Bad Burglar
21. Bad Kitty Goes To The Vet
22. Cooking With Mister White
23. Momma’s Outa Pinot
24. Yes You Were An Accident
25. I Is For Incest
26. Bi-Curious George
27. Pookie Swallows, The Most Popular Bunny With The Boys
28. Bad Words Mommy & Daddy Don’t Want You To Know
29. Feelings, And How To Destroy Them
Merger Mania Continues
There appears to be no end to merger mania – one of the greatest threats to our freedom and democracy – putting more and more control into the hands of fewer and fewer people.
The following are more Mergers that appear to be on the horizon:
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil
—–Honey, I’m Home
Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining
—–Mine, All Mine
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining
—–Zip Audi Do-Da
Knott’s Berry Farm and National Organization of Women
John Deere and Abitibi-Price
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers
3M and Goodyear
Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush Co., and W.R. Grace Co.
—–Hale Mary Fuller Grace
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler
Wanting It Both Ways
Hal Hooper started the day early, having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am.
While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG).
He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN CHINA), he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today.
After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN CHINA), he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Hal decided to relax for awhile.
He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE), turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), then wondered why he can’t find a good paying job in…..AMERICA
College Courses We’d Like To See
Higher education is a wonderful thing. Sadly, most colleges don’t offer the kind of real-world courses we’d like to see. Here then are college courses we’d like to see, broken down by gender, just for the heck of it.
College Courses For Men
• Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
• Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
• Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
• Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
• Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? You CAN Tell the Difference!
• If It’s Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
• If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won’t Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
• Going to the Supermarket: It’s Not Just for Women Anymore
• Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
• Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
• Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
• Bathroom Etiquette II: Let’s Wash Those Towels
• Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You’re About to Run Out of Toilet Paper
• Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
• Retro or Just Hideous? Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
• No, The Dishes Won’t Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware
• Romance: More Than a Cable Channel
College Courses For Women
• Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
• The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
• Parties: Going Without New Outfits
• Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game
• Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet, Too
• Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His
• Communication Skills I: Tears, the Last Resort, Not the First
• Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
• Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging
• Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You Can Acquire
• Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share
• Telephone Skills: How to Stop Talking and Hang Up
• Introduction to Parking
• Advanced Parking: Reversing Into a Space
• Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor