Every 3D Movie Is The Same
If you see one 3D movie this summer, you’ve seen them all.
Madtv – Keeping Up With The Kardashians
More Ways To Annoy People…Or Just To Be An Asshole
1. Leave the following message on someone’s answering machine: “Sir, we’re not sure if you wanted us to do it, you know, after what happened, so, well, we went ahead and did it anyway
2. Tell somebody that’s wearing Velcro shoes or slip-ons that their shoelaces are untied
3. Tell lots of puns
4. Be a Jew for Jesus…or a Jehovah’s Witness
5. Give somebody a Wet Willy
6. Turn on somebody’s radio up all the way and turn their windshield wipers on while the car is off
7. Take a stick of gum out of it’s paper and foil wrapper, then carefully re-fold the foil wrapper and stick it back into the paper wrapper
8. Pay for a tube of toothpaste with a check at the supermarket
9. On the bus, try to engage somebody in a conversation about genital warts
10. Delete somebody’s AUTOEXEC
11. When walking behind someone outside, pull up a long piece of grass, and gently tickle them behind the ear with it
12. Take a wire, and stick it all the way through a cigar or cigarette
13. When they’re about half way through with it, remove one piece from the box of a jigsaw puzzle, and throw it away
14. Hide the remote control
15. Call a house at random, and ask for Gary
16. Take a deck of cards, and say, “Okay, I’m gonna do a magic trick
17. When somebody is talking very excitedly at a restaurant, pick up their plate, hand it to them, and nod gravely
18. Exclaim in a crowded theater, “No, I won’t touch you there for a dollar! No, not two dollars, either!”
19. Approach somebody quietly from behind, grab them, and scream, “Booga booga!” or any other such exclamation loudly
20. Be chronically late
21. Shave with someone else’s razor
22. Once again at a restaurant, one with a candle in the middle of the table, while someone is up before the food has come, take their plate, hold the bottom rim over the candle, and rotate it so you get a lot of soot on the bottom of the plate
23. Cut out an article or section of the newspaper before someone else has had a chance to read it
24. Send a letter with twenty-nine one cent stamps
25. Go into a locker room with a pocket knife, and cut off all the shoelaces that are hanging out of the lockers
A motorist gets caught in an automated speed trap that photographs his car.
He later receives a ticket in the mail for $40 with a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sends the police department a photograph of $40.
A few days later, he gets a letter from the police department with a picture of handcuffs.
Computer Support Help Desk
You can’t help feeling sorry for the poor confused caller who is so lost and all at sea when it comes to computers and technology, but even more so for the poor Help Desk Operator at Tech Support.
Tech Support: “Hello, how may I help you?”
Caller: “I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message.”
Tech Support: “Did you install the update?”
Caller: “No! Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?”
Tech Support: “Hiya, how can I help?”
Caller: “Do I need a computer to use your software?”
Tech Support: “What type of computer do you have?”
Caller: “A white one, sort of beige color.”
Tech Support: “Hi, how can I help?”
Caller: “…..What’s a colon on my keyboard?”
Tech Support: “It’s the actual key next to the ‘L’ key on your keyboard.”
Caller: “How do you spell ‘L’?”
Tech Support: “Hello there, how can I help you?”
Caller: “I can’t get into the database.’ I check the usual stuff, but it’s all fine.”
Tech Support: “Can you go and check if the server is working?”
Tech Support: “What do you mean, ‘no’?”
Caller: “No, I can’t do that.”
Tech Support: “Why not?”
Caller: “Well, it’s not there.”
Tech Support: “It’s what sorry?”
Caller: “They took it away to be upgraded.”
Tech Support: “Hello, how can I help you?”
Caller: “My E-mail doesn’t work?”
Tech Support: “Ok, Could you send me an E-mail to check that your e-mail works.”
Caller: “Ok, what’s your e-mail address.”
Tech Support: “Its email@example.com” < note: altered slightly to protect real address >
Caller: “How do you spell ctg?
Tech Support: “Hi there, how can I help?”
Caller: “I’m going to be using Windows NT. Should I get the Server or Workstation version?”
Tech Support: “Well, are you using it as a workstation or as a server?”
Caller: “A server. So, which one do I get?”
Tech Support: “The server version perhaps?”
Caller: “Which one is that?”
Tech Support: “Windows NT Server.”
Caller: “Ok, thanks.”
Tech Support: “Hi, how can I help you?”
Caller: “My modem doesn’t work?”
Tech Support: “What can you see on the monitor?”
Caller: “On the what?”
Tech Support “On the monitor screen in front of you.”
Caller: “I can’t see a monitor screen.”
Tech Support’ “Is your PC switched on?”
Caller: “I haven’t got a PC, I’ve just bought the modem!”
Tech Support: “Hello how may I help you?”
Caller: “I can’t make the program work?”
Tech Support: “Have you clicked on the icon?”
Caller: “What’s an icon?”
Tech support: “It’s a little picture on your screen.”
Caller: “Oh is that what it’s for?”
Tech support: “Yes, Please click on it and your program should work.”
Caller: “It’s not working?”
Tech Support: “Did you click on it?”
Caller: “Oh…what’s that?”
Tech Support: “With the mouse arrow on your screen, click on the icon.”
Caller: “Oh that…Yes, its working now.”
Greeting Cards You Will Never See In The Hallmark Store
1. Front: I heard you have gone deaf.
Inside: I’ll bet you didn’t.
2. Front: I’m sorry to hear you have gone blind.
Inside: See you later!
3. Front: I’m sorry to hear you are brain dead.
Inside: It’s really not that bad when you think about it.
4. Front: My sympathies on the last of your father’s teeth falling out.
Inside: Well, dadgummit!
5. Front: My condolences on the loss of your arms.
Inside: Write back soon!
6. Front: I’m sorry to hear you have contracted Alzheimer’s disease.
Inside: I’m sorry to hear you have contracted Alzheimer’s disease.
7. Front: I heard that you were very sick.
Inside: I hope that you die painlessly.
8. Front: I heard you were dead.
Inside: I hope it was painless.
9. Front: Congratulations on your weight loss!
Inside: It’s a shame you had to saw off your legs to do it.
10. Front: Congratulations on finally getting a life.
Inside: Now get ready to lose it.
11. Front: Thank God you aren’t pregnant!
Inside: I might have had to admit I’ve had s@x with you.
12. Front: I heard that you attempted suicide.
Inside: Wishing you luck and success in all that you do.
13. Front: After all these years, it was good to run into you again.
Inside: Thank God this time you didn’t leave as much blood on my bumper!
14. Front: I was sorry to hear that your dog ran away.
Inside: Next time try cooking him a little longer.
15. Front: They told me you were constipated.
Inside: No shit?
16. Front: Wishing you a speedy recovery from your accident.
Inside: Look forward to seeing you in court!
17. Front: Hot damn!
Inside: I’m sorry to hear that your house burned down.
Going to a fast food restaurant for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
Always choose a memorable password!
A lady helps her husband install a new computer. Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he’ll always remember.
When the computer asks him to enter it he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink of his eye he selects the word ‘mypenis’.
As he hits “Enter” to validate the selection, his wife collapses and rolls on the floor in laughter!!!
The computer had replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED
Ramblings Of A Retired Mind
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can’t afford one. So, I’m wearing my garage door opener.
I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is ‘when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.’
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it ‘Pumping Rust’.
I’ve gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That’s when your chest is falling into your drawers!
When people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, ‘Oh, have you got a cat?’
Just once I want to say, ‘No, it’s for company!’
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, ‘A Good Doctor’!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.
As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.
Drivers Education Exam Answers
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns don’t kill people. I do.”
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your steering wheel.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Things You Learn From Video Games
1. There is no problem that cannot be overcome by violence.
2. You can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough quarters (yes there were video games before the Xbox).
3. If it moves, KILL IT!
4. Piloting any vehicle is simple and requires no training.
5. One lone “good guy” can defeat an indeterminate number of “bad guys.”
A. “Bad guys” move in predictable patterns.
B. Except for “bosses,” most “bad guys” can be dispatched with one hit.
C. You often fare better against a large mob of “bad guys” then against a “boss” in one on one combat.
6. “Bosses” always hire henchmen weaker then they are to do their ‘muscle work’.
7. If you see food lying on the ground, eat it.
8. You can smash things and get away with it.
A. Smashing things doesn’t hurt.
B. Many nice things are hidden inside other things.
9. Cybernetics are our friends.
10. When driving, you can knock other vehicles off the road and get away with it.
11. If someone dies, they disappear.
12. Money is frequently found lying on the streets.
13. All shopkeepers carry high-tech weaponry.
14. If you get mad enough, you can fight even better than normal.
15. If it’s on the ground, you should get it.
16. Repulsive, ugly, cannibalistic, evil beings have just as much right to be loved as heroic fighters.
17. The operation of any weapon is a simple and obvious procedure.
18. You never run out of ammunition, just grenades.
19. No matter how long you fight, you can always fight again.
20. Death is reversible (but only for you!)
21. Ninjas are common, and fight in public frequently.
22. Whenever huge fat evil men are about to die, they begin flashing red or yellow.
23. When you are born, you drop out of the sky(a stork?)and are completely invincible for a short time.
24. Although the enemy always has more aircraft than you, they fly in elaborate patterns which make it easier for you to shoot them all down.
25. All martial (marital?) arts women wear revealing clothes and have great bodies.
26. All martial arts men have rippling muscles and angry expressions.
27. The enemy always leaves weapons or power ups laying around for no reason other than so their bitter enemy can pick them up and defeat them with it.
28. Shoot everything. If it blows up or dies, it was evil. If it doesn’t, try and pick it up— it was probably a power up or bonus.
29. Carpe diem! You only live three times!
30. The most powerful fighters always wait until you have achieved a near-impossible, flawless win record and/or killed a certain number of opponents before they appear in your presence and beat the crap out of you.
31. You sustain injury if you shoot innocents.
32. A hundred-to-one odds against you is NOT a problem.
33. Gang members frequently all look the same, and often have the same names.
34. When racing vehicles, do not worry if your vehicle crashes and explodes. A new vehicle will appear in its place.
Southern Hospitality In Flight
Two ladies, a Yankee and a Southern Belle, are sitting next to each other on a plane. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, “So, where y’all from?”
The Yankee replies, “I am from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition.”
Without missing a beat, the Southern Belle bats her lashes and asks, “So, where y’all from, bitch?”