Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl – Sit on My Face
I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently shut the window
And crushed his damn head.
I’m not a morning person.
Inspirational Poster Ideas
Sayings You’d See On Those Inspirational Posters If They Were Truthful
• If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
• The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
• Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
• If you think we’re a bad firm, you should see our rivals!
• Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings — they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
• A person who smiles in the face of adversity … probably has a scapegoat.
• ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE…..
• We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!
• 2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
• If at first you don’t succeed — try management.
• It’s only unethical if you get caught.
• Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
• Never quit until you have another job.
• Work harder slaves!
• The beatings will continue until morale improves.
• If you can read this, you’re not working!
• Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
• Go the extra mile – It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
• Pride, commitment, teamwork — words we use to get you to work for free.
• Succeed in spite of management.
• Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.
• There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don’t work here anymore.
A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when she comes across 3 dogs. Being a bit of an animal lover, she approaches them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them:
“Ah, you’re lovely, aren’t you?” she says to the first dog. “What’s your name?”
To her surprise, the dog actually answers her, “My name’s Huey, and I’ve had a great day going in and out of puddles.”
Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog. “And what’s your name then?”
Again, unbelievably, the 2nd dog answers her, “My name’s Lewy, and I’ve had a great day going in and out of puddles.”
And so she moves on to the last dog. “Let me guess,” she says. “your name’s Dewy, and you’ve had a great day going in and out of puddles.”
“No,” replies the last dog. “My name’s Puddles, and I’ve had an awful day.”
How To Build A Web Page In 25 Steps
1. Download a piece of Web authoring software – 20 minutes.
2. Think about what you want to write on your Web page – 6 weeks.
3. Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it – 20 minutes.
4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site – 1 minute.
5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like – 4 days.
6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again – 25 minutes.
7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do – 15 minutes.
8. View the source of others’ pages, steal some, change a few words here and there – 4 hours.
9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software – 1 minute.
10. Try to horizontally line up two related images – 6 hours.
11. Remove one of the images – 10 seconds.
12. Set the text’s font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone – 4 hours.
13. Download a counter from your ISP – 4 minutes.
14. Try to figure out why your counter reads “You are visitor number -16.3 E10″ – 3 hours.
15. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text – 8 hours.
16. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP – 40 minutes.
17. Accidentally delete your complete web page – 1 second.
18. Recreate your web page – 2 days.
19. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP’s server – 3 weeks.
20. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP – 30 minutes.
21. Download FTP software – 10 minutes.
22. Call your friend again – 15 minutes.
23. Upload your web page to your ISP’s server – 10 minutes.
24. Connect to your site on the web – 1 minute.
25. Repeat any and all of the previous steps – eternity.
Dear Bank Manager,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.
No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in the second half of 2008, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following changes:
First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require our chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorized contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus:
1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received.
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping; Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received.
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature; Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I’ve chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:
“Oh, the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door
And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for”
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.
As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you.
My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn’t come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
Your humble client
I Had Amnesia Once…Or Twice.
• Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
• All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
• I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
• If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
• What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
• They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
• Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he’ll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
• Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
• Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.
• When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
• A flashlight is a carrying case for dead batteries.
• What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
• I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
• The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.
• How can there be self-help “groups”?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
• Is it possible to be totally partial?
• Is Marx’s tomb a communist plot?
• If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
• Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.
• It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
• Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
This Is Why GI Food Is So Good Now
It was World War II, and the captain was attempting to rally the GIs on the eve of a big offensive. ‘Out there,’ said the captain, ‘is your enemy. The man who has made your life miserable, who is working to destroy you; the man who has been trying to kill you day after day throughout this war.’ Private Johnson jumped to his feet. Holy Shit; the cook’s working for the Germans!’
Home Repairman Definitions
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC’S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you’re trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you’ve been searching for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, “Ouc….”
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZRS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, “the sunshine vitamin,” which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
The Drinker’s Alphabet For College Students
A is for Alcohol :The key to surviving college
B is for Beer :The most disgusting alcohol of all, but great for chugging
C is for Class :What you’re supposed to get up and go to after a Thursday night party
D is for Dancing :A favorite pastime of almost every drunk, usually looks pathetic
E is for Emergency :The keg is empty or there is no one over 21 in your drinking party
F is for F*#@ed-Up :Signified by leaning over a toilet puking your guts out
G is for Games :Anything that involves cards, dice and chugging beers
H is for Hang-over :Reminds you of how great last night was and how much you drank
I is for Idiot :The guy that spilled his beer on you and everyone else at the party
J is for Jail :Where you’ll end up after trying to use a fake ID or stagger home
K is for Kissing :What you’ll do to anything that moves after 15 beers
L is for Lord :Person you beg to get you out of every situation involving alcohol
M is for Money :That which you no longer have due to too much partying
N is for Not Again! :What you scream when you wake up beside someone you don’t know
P is for Pee :What you have to do every five minutes while you’re drinking beer
Q is for Quilt :What you puked on last night in bed and have to clean in the morning
R is for Reform :What you promise god you will do while you’re puking in the toilet
S is for Sex :What you did with that person you met last night while you were drunk
T is for Ten :The number of beers it takes ME to get drunk
U is for Underage :Most of the drinking population in college town
V is for Vodka :The mother of all alcohols and the best way to get drunk in an hour
W is for Worm :The part of Tequila that reminds you of Biology class tomorrow
X is for X-Ray :How they can see into your stomach before they pump it
Y is for Yourself :The one who drinks WAY TOO MUCH every week-end
Z is for Zoned :How you will be for the next 12 hours following drinking
US Air Force Humor
“Squawks” are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough
(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal – #1 #3 and #4 propellers
lack normal seepage
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
(IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That’s what they’re there for
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, “fly right” and be serious!
(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics