Lumberjack Song – Monty Python
These are called paraprosdokian sentences. The first half has one meaning and the second sentence gives the phrase a whole new meaning.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
How fast can you guess these words?
1. F_ _K
6. _ _NDOM
You got all 6 wrong….didn’t you?
You dirty little F___ER
Tom’s Golf Cart Wreck
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.
She said, “I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible golf cart wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
“Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place .”
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
“Now,” she announced in a quavering voice, thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”
All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, “I’m Tom.”
The entire congregation held its breath.
“I just want to tell my wife that the word is ‘sternum’.”
Famous Quotes About Getting Old
• I much prefer being over the hill to being under it. ~Bruce Lansky
• At my age I don’t care if my mind starts to wander- just as long as it comes back again. ~Mike Knowles
• Middle age is when a narrow waist and a broad mind begin to change places. ~Glenn Dorenbush
• When you can finally afford the rings you want, you’d rather no one noticed your hands. ~Lois Muehl
• A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. ~Henny Youngman
The First Aid Treatment Of Minor Mishaps
Not responsible for the results of using any of these suggestions.
COMPLAINT SYMPTOMS TREATMENT
——— ——– ———
APPENDICITIS Pain in right lower abdomen. Who cares? It’s a
Nausea, possible vomiting vestigial organ anyway.
and fever. Give him an aspirin.
BURNS and Redness, mild swelling, and Peel away dead skin. Rub
SCALDS pain. Blisters may develop. vigorously to encourage
CONVULSION Strong, jerking movements; Sit on victim. Laugh at
stiff body. Difficulty him until he gets
breathing. Bluish face. embarrassed and stops.
Eyes rolled back, gritting
of teeth, frothy mouth.
CROUP Noisy, difficult breathing. Stuff a sock in victim’s
Hoarse, barking cough. mouth.
CUTS and Cuts bleed and hurt. Call victim a sissy and
BRUISES Bruises get red, swollen, and send him back out to
and hurt. play.
DOG BITE Redness, swelling and Scold victim. Shoot dog.
bleeding if skin is broken.
Fear of the dog.
DROWNING Unconscious, pale or blue Talk about what a great
skin. guy he was.
EARACHE Pain. Possible dizziness Listen to one hour of
or discharge from ear. Motley Crue. THEN you’ll
Possible fever. know what an earache is.
FAINTING Pale, clammy skin, Before victim revives, take
dizziness, shallow his wallet and clothes and put
breathing, sweating and him on a bus to Cleveland.
FEVER Body temperature over Administer 4 oz. of ‘Old
98.6 degrees F (37 C). Jayhawk’ [cheap whiskey]
Hot forehead. every 2 hours.
FROSTBITE Skin flushed, then changing Submerge in boiling water.
to white or grayish yellow.
Blister may appear. Cold
and numb. Pain.
HEAT High temperature. Pale and Lock up victim in walk-in
EXHAUSTION clammy skin, or hot and freezer for 1-2 hours.
flushed skin. Headache and
weakness. Possible nausea.
INSECT BITES Pain and redness at the Capture insect and mash to
and STINGS site of the sting or bite. paste. Dissolve in one
Possible allergic reactions cup of milk and have victim
such as shock or difficulty drink.
NOSEBLEED Profuse bleeding from the Apply tourniquet to
nose. victim’s neck.
POISONING Symptoms vary. Throat or Give 1 tbsp rye in ammonia
stomach pains. Mouth burns. solution to flush system.
SHOCK Victim pale and weak. Grasp victim firmly by the
Clammy skin, perspiration on shoulders and shake,
upper lip and forehead. shouting, “Snap out of it!”
Pulse rate and breathing
rate are increased.
STROKE Unconscious. Heavy Kiss patient goodbye.
breathing. Apparent It’s all over.
weakness in face or limbs on
one side of body. Inability
SUNBURN Redness, mild swelling, and Remove reddened skin with
pain. Possible blisters. sandpaper. Soak affected
area in alcohol.
SWALLOWING Dangerous when in air Shout, “Hey, dum bshit,
FOREIGN passages. Violent coughing spit that out! Whatsa
BODIES and choking. Bluish facial matter with you!”
TOOTHACHE Pain. Tooth is sensitive Alternate administration of
to hot and cold food and hot coffee and ice cream.
Top Ten Country Western Songs
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain’t Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me
7. I’ve Missed You, But My Aim’s Improvin’
6. Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dogfight ‘Cause I’m Scared She’d Win
5. I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like You’re Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring And Gave Me The Finger
2. She’s Lookin’ Better With Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song is…
1. It’s Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day
Ways To Get Back At Your Neighbor
1. Allow your own home to fall into disrepair, thereby lowering your neighbor’s property value.
2. Dig a tunnel underneath your neighbor’s house, and expand it until the hole is the size of the home’s foundation; then, watch with glee as your neighbor’s house collapses into the hole. Get out of the hole first though.
3. Call and have pizzas delivered to your neighbor’s home. When he refuses to pay, tell the pizza man, “I’ll take em, put em on my card.” Then give him your neighbor’s credit card number, which you stole somehow.
4. Pee on your lawn so it trickles into your neighbor’s lawn. No one can stop you.
5. Ask your neighbor who he voted for. Then say, “I voted for the other guy.” When he gets angry at your political preference, tell him, “Just kidding, I voted for the same guy you did. But now you insulted me so I’m voting for the other guy next time.” His guilt will eat him alive.
6. Hire Megadeth to perform in your backyard late at night. Don’t invite your neighbor (a big fan).
7. Does your neighbor have pets? Not any more, if you know what we mean.
8. Your neighbor comes home one day to find all of his furniture on his front lawn, painstakingly arranged in the exact same way it had been inside his house. While he’s looking at that you hit him with a water balloon.
9. If you see your neighbor’s wife having s ex with a dog, get it on tape.
10. When your neighbor tells you he’s going to Home Depot to get new batteries for his smoke alarms, reassure him, “No need. I made sure all your smoke alarms were working properly, just yesterday.” As he thanks you, an almost imperceptible smile plays across your lips.
11. Get your pack of disorderly hound dogs to steal his Christmas turkey.
12. Paint your house garish neon yellow and hot magenta.
13. Let the air out of their tires of their car.
14. Poor bleach into their garden
15. Get a bunch of yapping Chihuahuas. Works every time! I have 9 dogs total, and a city Kennel License so they are all legal. Longest a neighbor last next door is a year and a half.
16. Dump your trash in his garbage can. Also fun: the night before garbage day, after he puts his garbage can on the curb/alley, remove his garbage can lids and let the raccoons have at it all night long. His driveway/backlane will be a mess the morning after.
17. Re-paint the lines of his parking stall, inch by inch closer over a period of months. Eventually the space will be too narrow for him to park.
18. Have an artist friend draw a police sketch of your neighbor. Put up posters of his picture with the words “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?” all over the building.
19. My upstairs neighbors have 3 elementary school kids who run, scream, and slam the patio doors until after midnight. They will deny it’s their kids even though you can see the little bastards through their open windows. My husband knocked on their door last week to tell them to knock it off…they denied it was them. Neighbor decided to tell us he was a good Christian man and mentioned us being “satanistic”. I’m guessing he saw the husband’s 666 tattoo…he doesn’t love Satan but he does love Death Metal. The next morning at 4 am I got some of my soft art chalks and drew Satanic symbols on the concrete in front of their door. It was washed off by 9 am the same morning. We haven’t heard a peep from them; their kids must be staying somewhere else and they won’t make eye contact with me. Hmmm…
20. My mom spray painted “Die Yuppie Scum” in giant puke-green letters on our roof, so that the enormous condo which now towers over her would have an appropriate view. Senor Condo-owner then called the police and told them my mother was running a crack house (if only!), so next time I was in town I filled a super-soaker with my own pee, let it fester in the garage for a week or so to get extra gamey, and then sprayed down his entryway one night. To this day he thinks it was vagrants and he got extra bolts on his door. I feel pretty good about the whole thing.
21. Introduce his 16 year old daughter to the joys of an experienced man?
22. Deal with super bitchy downstairs neighbor by becoming co-op board president. Enjoy watching her grovel for small favors, and also enjoy making her pay for massive building renovations.
23. If your neighbor is a religious type or married you can sign them up for Hustler/Playgirl as appropriate. I know for a fact that this works well.
“The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.” ~Ann Landers
“I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.” ~David Bissonnette
“It’s better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.” ~Laurence J. Peter
“Women are cursed, and men are the proof.” ~Rosanne Barr
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” ~Groucho Marx
The World’s Economic Viruses
Government Virus – Nothing seems to get better, but all the elected officials say it’s getting better.
Political Virus – Doesn’t actually do anything, but you can’t get rid of it until the next election.
Econometrician Virus – Sixty percent of the economies infected will lose 17 percent of their GDP 12 percent of the time (+/- a 2% margin of error).
Marxian Virus – Helps your economy go into a depression whenever it wants to.
Environmental Virus – Before allowing you to fix the recession, it first asks you if you’ve considered the alternatives.
Chinese Virus – Crashes your economy, but denies it ever happened and calls you a liar.
AIG Virus – Makes sure it’s too big to fail, while crashing everything else.
Stimulus Virus – Puts your economy in a recession for four years. When you finally recover, you’re 10 trillion more dollars in debt.
Take This Job And Shove It
This is a letter, reportedly dictated to a letter-writer in 1865 by one Jordan Anderson, former slave and then-current stableman, to former slave owner P.H. Anderson of Wilson County, Tenn.
The letter appeared in the Aug. 22, 1865 issue of the New York Daily Tribune, apparently in response to letter P.H. Anderson sent Jordan Anderson, suggesting that Jordan and his family ought to come back and work on the old plantation.
I got your letter, and was glad to find that you had not forgotten Jordan, and that you wanted me to come back and live with you again, promising to do better for me than any body else can. I have often felt uneasy about you. I thought the Yankees would have hung you before this, for harboring Rebs they found at your house. I suppose they never heard about your going to Colonel Martin’s to kill the Union soldier that was left by his company in their stable.
As to my freedom, which you say I can have, there is nothing to be gained on that score, as I got my free papers in 1864 from the Provost Marshall-General of the Department of Nashville. Mandy says she would be afraid to go back without some proof that you were disposed to treat us justly and kindly; and we have concluded to test your sincerity by asking you to send us our wages for the time we served you. This will make us forget and forgive old scores, and rely on your justice and friendship in the future. I served you faithfully for 32 years, and Mandy 20 years. At 25 dollars a month for me, and 2 dollars a week for Mandy, our earnings would amount to $11,608. Please send the money by Adam’s Express, in care of V. Winters Esq., Dayton, Ohio.
Say howdy to George Carter, and thank him for taking the pistol from you when you were shooting at me.