Is Everyone Using Me For My Costco Membership?
Ten Ways To Tell You’ve Too Many People At Your Seder
10. You can’t find anywhere out of sight to hide the afikomen.
9. To recline while drinking the wine, you all have lean in unison.
8. You have to sketch your living/dining room on graph paper.
7. You have to use a microscope to divvy up the knaidlach.
6. When you rotate the verses of “Echad Mi Yodea?”, someone ends up singing “Who knows 39? I know 39.”
5. You start looking at ads for closed circuit TV and auxiliary speakers.
4. While waiting for everyone to wash their hands the second time, the matza rises.
3. Even the kids complain that they don’t have enough maror.
2. When you recite the names of the ten plagues, the locusts really ring a bell.
1. When Elijah shows up, and you have to give him his wine “to go.”
Twas The Night After Seder
Twas the night after Seder, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The matzah, the farfel, the charoset I ate,
After both the Sedarim, had gone to my waist. When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked over to shul (less a walk than a lumber), I remembered the marvelous meals I’d prepared;
The turkey with gravy, the beef nicely rared, The wine and the matzo balls, the Migdal pareve cheese
The way I’d never said, “I’ve had enough; no more, if you please.” As I tied myself into my apron again
I spied my reflection and disgustedly, then I said to myself, “you’re such a weak wimp,”
“You can’t show up at shul resembling a blimp!” So–away with the last of the meatballs so sweet,
Get rid of the turkey, chopped liver and meat. Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished. I won’t have any more macaroons from the box,
I can’t wait til next week. (Ah, the bagels and lox.) I won’t have any luxion, farfel or p’chah,
I’ll munch on a carrot or wire shut my own jaw. It’s a three day yom tov and shabbas is still
Ahead of me with another fleshiks meal to fulfill.
If I have to cook one more chicken, I think I will riot.
So a zisn pesach to you all and to all a good diet!
Seder Pickup Lines
• Let’s make this night really different from all others nights
• What will you do to me for two zuzim?
• What’s a girl like you doing at a seder like this?
• I like my matzo thin, like my women.
• I hear that horseradish is an aphrodisiac
• Nice Haggadah
• After four cups of wine, you look like Cindy Crawford
• Honey, on this night we are supposed to recline, so let’s get to it.
• Seder? I hardly know her.
• I bet I could make you sing Dayenu!
• I could never Pass you Over…
• Don’t call it a bitter herb until you taste it.
• We were strangers….emphasis on “were”
• You’re a 10 in my Haggadah
• Frogs…..ever kiss a frog?
• I’m going to have to search you for chometz
• How’s about we go relive the “Darkness” plague up in my room.
• I’m like one of the four sons; let me show you how wicked I can be.
I Always Wondered What It Said
A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.
Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzoh to the blind man.
The blind man ran his fingers over the matzoh for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, “Who wrote this crap?”
Cool Things To Do In A Gym Shower Stall
1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, “I didn’t know I had one of THOSE!”
2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure you clothes get all wet & soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed all over.
3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.
4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luthor’s evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower.
5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim “Ow, you know, it really hurts when you pop one of those.” Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.
6. Look over the edge to the person showering next to you, giggle, and then return to your side, whistling the tune “It’s a Small World After All.”
7. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall returns it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it.
8. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach.
9. Bring a chunk of sodium metal. Leave it in the stall for the next person showering.
10. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground.
11. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls. Have everyone entering the stalls join you in a rendition of “Old McDonald Had A Farm”, making the sound of their animal in the stall.
12. Take your shower like normal, and then begin screaming that the Communists are taking over. Bang battle sounds, including bombs, bazookas, and tanks. Towards the end, wearily declared victory. Leave wounded.
13. Blow bubbles. Exclaim that you are dissolving.
14. Coat the floor in a fine layer of quick-drying cement.
Alcohol Vs. Water
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine and those who don’t.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) – bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information I’m doing it as a public service.
Special Classes For Men
1. Class 1: How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays.
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
2. Class 2: The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturdays 12:00 for 2 hours.
3. Class 3: Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat and
Avoiding the Floor/Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturdays 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
4. Class 4: Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor.
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
5. Class 5: After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
6. Class 6: Loss of Identity – Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00PM.
7. Class 7: Learning How to Find Things – Starting with looking in the right places instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
8. Class 8: Health Watch – Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00PM for 2 hours.
9. Class 9: Real Men ask for Directions When Lost.
Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
10. Class 10: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she parallel parks?
Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturdays at noon, 2 hours.
11. Class 11: Learning to Live – Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing. Location and times to be announced.
12. Class 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
13. Class 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy – Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and
Other Important Dates and Calling When You’re Going to be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday,
Wednesday, Friday at 7:00PM for 2 hours.
14. Class 14: The Stove/Oven – What it is and How it is Used.
Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
How To Be Mean To Vampires
If I ever found a sleeping vampire I wouldn’t stake him through the heart.
I would draw a big penis on his forehead in permanent marker.
He’d never find out , he can’t see his reflection in the mirror.
Two Line Poetry Rhyme
These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a two line rhyme with the most romantic first line, and the least romantic second line.
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.
2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you ’cause I was pissed.
5. I thought that I could love no other
That is, until I met your brother.
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty, and so is your head.
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don’t take that paper bag off your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!
9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe ‘Go to hell.’
11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Who Said Poetry Is Boring?
Some People Are So Insensitive
My husband died last month and I had him cre-mated. A friend suggested that as part of the mourning process, I should scatter his ashes in the place where we first met. I took comfort from this idea.
We met at the salad bar of our local Pizza Hut, but when I started emptying his urn into the grated carrots, the man- ager came over and rudely asked me to stop.
The in-sensitivity of some people is beyond belief.