Trumpax: Make Your Vagina Great Again
Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee With President Obama & Jerry Seinfeld
The economy is so bad that:
• I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
• CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
• Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 congressmen.
• Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
• Motel Six won’t leave a light on anymore.
• A picture is now worth 200 words.
• They renamed Wall Street “Wall-mart Street”.
• Finally, When I called the suicide hot-line I got a call center in Pakistan. When I told them i was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if i could drive a truck.
Apps To Download For 2016
The old gang is going out to dinner. One has a newborn. One just got divorced. One is allergic to both nuts and vinyl. Type it all in, and the app will find a perfectly adequate and accommodating restaurant within a five-mile radius.
Turn on this app when talking with a narcissistic friend. It will provide responses like “Right!” “Really?” and “No way!” as you multitask.
A map feature that identifies the locations of those annoying clipboard people and gives you an alternate walking route to your destination. Hit the “I Feel Guilty” button to donate instantly to Greenpeace.
Notifies you when your neighbors have left the building, so you don’t have to run into them in the hallway.
Did you accidentally include Amy in a group text about how her new boyfriend is “a pretentious dud”? OopsHa will, within twenty minutes, automatically text the errant recipient and blame it on autocorrect.
Locate a nearby bar or restaurant that is free of inexplicably wealthy thirtysomethings screaming at one another about wine, real estate, and their P.R. jobs.
Finds the perfect Pema Chödrön quote to send to your friend when she texts you again about how depressed she is: “Resisting what is happening is a major cause of suffering”; “Steep your soul”; “You are the sky. Everything else—it’s just the weather.”
From this crowdsourced list, find out before you make dinner plans if someone you are talking to on Tinder is a rude, bad-tipping monster to waiters.
Sitting next to one of those adults who still chews with his or her mouth open, like a four-year-old? This white-noise app cuts out seventy-two per cent of disgusting smacky eating noises. Settings include Banana, Mac and Cheese, Movie Popcorn, and Fingernails!
Just sneezed and feeling lonely? Hire someone nearby to say “Bless you!” within seconds.
Isn’t human eye contact gross? Looky streams a video of the person right in front of you in the corner of your screen. Use it while ordering your pour-over coffee, testifying in court, walking down the street, or even watching live theatre. You’ll never have to look up from your phone again!
Point your phone at any storefront, intersection, or person in New York City older than thirty-five, and see what they looked like back when the city was cool, dangerous, and edgy. In Settings, choose between 1973, 1977, 1985, 1991, and 2000. Links to Google Glass for an immersive denial experience!
This app blocks all your other apps, and then does absolutely nothing. Turn it on when you wake up and leave it on all day! Experience what life was like before apps, without the terror of being app-free and losing your carefully curated, Mayfair-filtered identity. It’s an app. But it’s not an app. It’s life. But not real life. It’s NoApp.
You Know Your Not Cool Anymore When…
• You find yourself listening to talk radio.
• You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
• The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
• You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
• You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.
• You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
• You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
• You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
• When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
• When jogging is something you do to your memory.
• Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
• All the cars behind you flash their headlights.
• You remember the “Rolling Stones” as a rock group not a corporation.
• You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son’s new running shoes.
• You actually ASK for your father’s advice.
• You don’t know how to operate a fax machine.
• When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.
Funniest Facebook Status
- For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember.. that’s where the knives are kept.
- Some of my friends are like a slinky – completely useless, but fun to push down stairs.
- Is On The Toilet (>_<) (o_o) (0_0) ~ (^_^) Ahhhhhhhh That’s Better.
- I wake up when I can’t hold my pee in any longer.
- I’m pretty sure the best thing about Facebook is the ability to read other people’s fights.
- I’ve been using Google for 10 years and I have no idea who uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
- Looking at people’s mutual friends and saying “OMG HOW DO YOU KNOW THEM”
- LIKE if you have that one friend that laughs at everything. Even when it’s not funny.
- “Was that lightning?!” “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
- Telling someone that you’re going to bed, when you’re actually not, and then having to hold back from posting things on Facebook.
- If you don’t do stupid things while you’re young, you’ll have nothing to smile about when you’re old.\
- If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids, why don’t they have a Beer Truck for adults?
- That awkward moment when someone *Likes* One of your Very old Facebook statuses and you think “Creeper”.
- The best feature of the iPhone is the feature that keeps you from getting pushed in the pool.
- When I order coffee or whatever from Starbucks and they ask me for my name I like to look at their name tag and then just say their name and then they’re always like nooo wayyy that’s my name too and then I’m also like noo wayyy and I always expect them to give me something for free because we have the same name but they never do
- I hate it when I’m singing along to a song and the artist gets the words wrong
- When a girl says she’ll be ready in 5 more minutes, it’s the same as when a guy says the game has 5 minutes left. :~D
- AATCHOO! …….?(-??~•~)?……. If you’re allergic to bullshit, drama, liars, and 2-faced people, LIKE to keep this sneeze going.
- My grandma has always told me that if you have nothing good to say then don’t say anything at all, yet people still wonder why I am so quiet (:
- That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
- That awkward moment when you’re trying to ignore a call and accidentally answer it.
- Never look back. If Cinderella went to pick up her shoe, she would not have become a princess. :~D
- That awesome moment when you got a question wrong on a test but your teacher accidentally marked it correct.
- If nobody hates you, you are doing something boring.
- We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police
Activities Guide To Burning Calories At Work
Here’s the activities guide to burning calories at work and the number of calories they consume per hour…
Beating around the bush… 75
Jumping to conclusions… 100
Climbing the walls… 150
Swallowing your pride… 50
Passing the buck… 25
Throwing your weight around… 50-300
Dragging your heels… 100
Pushing your luck… 250
Making mountains out of molehills… 500
Hitting the nail on the head… 50
Wading through paperwork… 300
Bending over backwards… 75
Jumping on the bandwagon… 200
Balancing the books… 25
Running around in circles… 350
Eating crow… 225
Tooting your own horn… 25
Climbing the ladder of success… 750
Pulling out the stops… 75
Adding fuel to the fire… 160
Wrapping it up at the day’s end… 12
To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:
Opening a can of worms… 50
Putting your foot in your mouth… 300
Starting the ball rolling… 90
Going over the edge… 25
Picking up the pieces after… 350
Counting eggs before they hatch… 6
Calling it quits… 2
You’re A Teacher If…
• You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
• You find humor in other people’s stupidity.
• You want to slap the next person who says “Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free.”
• You believe chocolate is a food group.
• You can tell if it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.
• You believe “Shallow gene pool” should have its own box in the report card.
• You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says “Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.
• When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know to correct their behavior.
• You have no life between August to June.
• When you mention “Vegetables” you’re not talking about a food group.
• You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
• You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
• You believe in aerial Prozac spraying.
• You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary school for the last 10 years.
• You’ve ever had your profession slammed by someone who would “Never DREAM” of doing your job.
• You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
• You know you are in for a major project when a parent says “I have a great idea I’d like to discuss. I think it would be such fun.”
• You want to choke a person when they say “Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you.”
• Meeting a child’s parent instantly answers the question “Why is this kid like this?”
Hilariously Horrible Pick Up Lines GUARANTEED To Fail
These are SO bad that they might actually work.
1. Fuck me if I am wrong, but haven’t we met before?
2. Which is easier? You getting into those tight pants or getting you out of them?
3. Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) Because I can see myself in your pants.
4. Let’s have a party and invite your pants to come on down.
5. Let’s go to my place and do the things I’ll tell everyone we did anyway.
6. That’s a beautiful dress you have on tonight. Do you think you’ll be able to wear it to work tomorrow?
7. Use index finger to call someone over then say: I made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand.
8. Hey Baby, I’d like to use your thighs as earmuffs.
9. You’re like a prize winning fish. I don’t know whether to eat you or mount you.
10. Are you free tonight or will it cost me?
11. Hi, my name’s ______. You better remember it cause you’ll be screaming it later!!
12. If you were a new hamburger at McDonalds, you would be McGorgeous.
13. You’ve been a bad girl. Go to my room.
14. Do you have a quarter? I need to call your mom and thank her.
15. I’ve just moved you to the top of my to-do list.
16. Sorry, but you owe me a drink. (Why?) I looked at you and dropped mine.
17. I’d buy my way into your heart if I thought it had a price.
18. I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
19. Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?
20. You can fall off a building, you can fall out a tree, but baby, the best way to fall is in love with me.
21. You say “I bet you $20 I can kiss you without using my lips.” She says, “Bet’s on.” You kiss her then say, “I lost.”
22. You are everything I never knew I always wanted.
23. If kisses were snowflakes, I’d send you a blizzard.
24. I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away.
25. I was just sitting here holding my drink and I realized I’d much rather be holding you.
26. Stare at a girl for a long time, and when she notices for the second or third time, walk up to her and say, “I’m sorry for staring, but you look very much like a girl I should be dating.”
27. I have reason to believe that we were impassioned lovers in a past life. Shouldn’t we pick up where we left off?
28. What are you waiting for? I know you want to kiss me.
29. It’s not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
30. God gave us two ears, two eyes, two legs and two hands, but he only gave us one heart, and he wanted me to find you and tell you, you are the second one.
31. Smile. It is the second best thing you can do with your lips.
32. If beauty were time, you’d be eternity.
33. Most people like to watch the Olympics, because they only happens once every 4 years, but I’d rather talk to you, because the chance of meeting someone so special only happens once in a lifetime.
34. How is it that I have to climb a thousand mountains to get to you, but you only have to smile to get to me?
The Cynic’s Guide To Life
• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a squeaking fan belt and a leaky tire.
• I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and…
• Follow your dream. Unless it’s the one where you’re at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
• Always take time to stop and smell the roses… and sooner or later you’ll inhale a bee.
• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
• If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone. Just take another road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.
• If a motorists cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothings gets the message across like a good mooning.
• When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
• It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
• Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bon bon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the ‘thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge’ group.
• Just remember… You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor’s car.
• When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers… and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
• This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That’s the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
• Love is like a roller coaster. If you like it, you don’t want to get off, and when you don’t… you can’t wait to throw up.
The All Time Top Euphemisms For Erectile Dysfunction
15. 180 degrees shy of heaven
14. Performing with Flaccido Doming
13. A few parts shy of an erector set
12. Sch-wing and a miss
11. Not rising to the level of impeachable offense
10. The Null Monty
9. Disappointing Miss Daisy
8. Taking the gold at the Lake Flaccid Olympics
7. Ascension Deficit Disorder
6. Bouncing the Check of Love
5. Less-than-Magic Johnson
4. All Doled up with nowhere to go
3. Welcome to Flaccid City. Population: You
2. Serving boneless pork
1. Unleavened Man-Bread
The faking Of A President: Our Future Under Donald Trump And His First 100 Days In Office
On Jan. 20, 2017, Donald Trump will take the oath of office for the presidency of the United States. What follows is an exclusive report on the first 100 days that followed his fabulous inauguration and after-party (attended by thousands of beautiful women with beautiful faces) as he set off on a short road to making America great again.
Day 1. Even as President Trump orders federal workers to bundle the inaugural ball’s gold foil confetti for smelting and reuse in White House restroom faucets, he begins making good on his campaign vow to seal the U.S.-Mexico border “on my first day.”
Refusing to let supporters hold hands along the border, Red Rover style, to prevent immigrants from crossing over, germophobe Trump orders the National Guard to douse the border in gasoline, set it afire and maintain the blaze.
He proclaims the conflagration, which is visible from space, to be “spectacular.”
Recognizing how costly buying petroleum to feed the flames will be over time, and needing money to fulfill his pledges to dramatically increase military spending, finance a multi-trillion dollar tax cut and offer “fantastic” universal health care, Trump starts construction of a 2,000-mile “beautiful” border wall, to be paid for entirely by the Mexican government.
He specifies that the wall be built with only “the finest materials” and topped with “gold-plated razor wire.” When Trump insists on a fringe of rich Corinthian leather, Treasury Secretary Martha Stewart apologetically informs the President that there is no such thing.
For Mexico’s “convenience,” Trump says he will accept $40 billion in a “terrifically” structured balloon mortgage.
Simultaneously, the President moves to debunk fears that he intends to brutally uproot and deport 11 million undocumented residents — and send them back to their home countries in cattle cars. Stretch limousines and well-dressed men with Tasers begin appearing in American cities.
“We have just begun the fastest, classiest mass deportation in world history,” Trump declares.
Day 2. When Secretary of State Arnold Schwarzenegger reports that Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto laughed in his face about paying for the $40 billion wall, Trump tears up the North American Free Trade Agreement on live television.
He also puts in a call to Chinese President Xi Jinping, telling Xi that he has really enjoyed negotiating office leases with Chinese businessmen because while they are smart, he is smarter.
“For us to have good international relations, it’s only gentlemanly for me to let you to know who you’re dealing with,” Trump says, before informing Xi that, as promised in the campaign, he is imposing massive new import duties on Chinese-made goods, illegal under World Trade Organization agreements.
China retaliates by doubling tariffs on soybeans and semiconductors, two of America’s top exports, and floods the market with cheap steel. Mexico hikes tariffs on its $200 billion in U.S. imports. The Dow Jones Industrial Average plummets by 52%.
“Stocks are cheaper than they have ever been,” Trump declares. “I’ve given the American people the greatest opportunity to buy low that they have ever had in recorded history. Once, China and Mexico were so smart compared to how stupid we used to be. Now, they’re so stupid compared to how smart we are. Call your stockbrokers. You’ll win so big it will make your head spin.”
Staying awake into the early morning hours, Trump Twitter-flames Xi as “ugly and low-energy,” and Peña Nieto as “decent looking, but a loser.”
At dawn, Trump orders a fireworks display.
Day 7. Following the first full week of construction, 100 miles of border wall are complete, and only four workers have died in the flames. Trump orders a fireworks display.
Day 9. The President names the rest of his cabinet. He says it is the best looking cabinet in the history of the Republic. The group photo is truly stunning.
Day 13. Trump’s tax plan — which includes huge across-the-board rate reductions and elimination of the estate tax — hits resistance in Congress from Republicans concerned about increasing the federal deficit by $12 trillion over 10 years, and Democrats worried about dramatically slashing the rates of the wealthiest Americans.
The President makes a trip to Capitol Hill. In stirring remarks, he reminds Senate and House leaders that he once finished the construction of an ice skating rink and had a hit reality TV show in which he portrayed a man far wealthier and more successful than himself.
Congress tells Trump that at the moment, it’s pretty damn busy with crop-subsidy legislation, but would take up his plan as soon as they worked out a sugar beet formula.
Trump orders a fireworks display.
By order of the President Trump, the Obama Library is relocated to Nairobi, Kenya. DOMINICK REUTER/REUTERS
By order of the President Trump, the Obama Library is relocated to Nairobi, Kenya.
Day 15. Giddy at Washington’s apparent appreciation of his art of the deal, Trump orders Surgeon General Dr. Mehmet Oz to get to work on a health insurance plan to replace Obamacare. He demands the legislation use the exact words “something terrific.”
Day 19. On the eve of the President’s first press conference, he stays up into the early morning hours angrily responding to criticism of his administration. He deems the offenders, including White House correspondents from the New York Times, the Washington Post, ABC and CBS, “among the worst people I’ve ever met.” He purges them from the Briefing Room for the remainder of his administration.
Standing with Attorney General Rudy Giuliani, Trump launches a Justice Department Division of Moron Pundit Prosecution.
“My enemies list,” Trump says at the podium, “is going to be the biggest, best enemies list you have ever seen.”
Day 22. With Russia overrunning Syria, Bashar Assad making the Damascus nightclub scene and ISIS recruiting ever more foreign fighters, Trump hires a Rosetta Stone official to help him memorize and pronounce the names of key players in the Middle East. In the Situation Room, he assembles the Gen. Patton and the Gen. MacArthur he had promised would lead the Pentagon and asks them to pick between his two announced strategy choices.
Option One: “Knock the hell out of them,” as he said while campaigning. Option Two: Let Vladimir Putin take over, because, as he said while campaigning, “I love the fact that ISIS is being hit by Russia … Why do we have to do everything?” There’s a long pause.
In an evening address to the American people, Trump explains: “After flipping a big, beautiful coin, I have decided to follow through on the first idea I came up with, which is to send ground troops to attack oil fields, and then keep them there until we get all the money.”
He says calling the fight the “War for Oil” has a certain ring to it, and orders a fireworks display.
Day 25. Making good on another promise, Trump sends all 10,000 Syrian refugees admitted by the Obama administration back to their war-ravaged country. As a consolation, he gives each one a “Make America Great Again” cap.
Day 30. President Trump’s Department of Labor releases its first jobs report. America has created an unprecedented 1 million new jobs in just one month. All but 23 are Immigration and Customs Enforcement deportation officers.
Day 44. The 1,111th mile of the border wall is complete, as is the “big, beautiful door” the President had promised. The U.S. Mint produces a platinum key for that door, which Trump wears around his neck, behind his Trump Signature Collection tie.
Day 64. Nine million immigrants have been deported, but birthright citizenship remains the law of the land. The states are balking at amending the Constitution to repeal the 14th Amendment. No matter.
Trump begins revoking the citizenship of thousands of onetime “anchor babies,” and U.S. Supreme Court Justice Greta Van Susteren deems birthright citizenship “the worst interpretation of the Fourteenth Amendment in the history of interpretations of the Fourteenth Amendment.”
Trump orders a fireworks display.
Day 70. Exercising the power of eminent domain, Trump seizes the land under the Obama Presidential Library in Chicago to build a combined Trump Casino-Trump University where, he pledges, professors will give the “greatest ever courses in playing roulette to low-income Americans.”
“I guarantee you, you will win,” the President says. Secretary of Commerce Dennis Rodman, standing by his side, whispers, “That is not a guarantee.”
By order of the President, the Obama Library is relocated to Nairobi, Kenya.
Day 82. At a record-size military graduation, part of Trump’s promise to “make our military so big and so strong and so great … that nobody’s going to mess with us,” the commander-in-chief tells cadets that he has “always felt like one of you” and “got more training than a lot of you.” He also warns they better not be so stupid as to get captured.
Applause is muted, and a few cadets leave after an attempted Trump applause line on the War for Oil.
Day 87. The President celebrates completion of the final mile of the 1,954-mile border wall, which comes in 1 million pesos (about $60,000) under budget. While marking the occasion with a stirring speech calling Americans to a new era of division, inwardness and fear, he proudly proclaims the savings will go toward adding his visage and hair to Mount Rushmore.
Day 94. Trump announces that he has completed his first 100 days ahead of schedule. He orders a fireworks display.