Top 10 George Carlin Bits
Happy Birthday George
May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008
A Woman’s Random Thoughts
1) If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realize that you had set it free……. You either married it or gave birth to it.
2) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
3) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
4) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
5) The nice part about living in a small town: When you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else always does.
6) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
7) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
8) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
9) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn’t all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, “Body, how’d you like to go to the six o’clock class in vigorous toning?” Clear as a bell my body said, “Listen fatty …. do it and die.”
10) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That’s my idea of a perfect day.
A man walks up to a woman in his office every day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can’t stand it any longer, and goes to her manager. Without identifying the guy, she tells her boss what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him. The manager is puzzled by this approach, and asks,
“What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies, “It’s Dave, the midget.”
Things To Do At A Bowling Alley
• Every time you throw exclaim “TAKE THAT, YOU!!!” continue this behavior until forcefully thrown out.
• Explain to the Owner how your game has been ruined due to plate tectonics then loose him in lingo. Demand Compensation.
• Bring Zippo fluid, light the pins on fire.
• Wear Golf Shoes.
• Pray to the pins, leave sacrifices.
• Dress up like an Amish man. Give speeches to others against the high technology used in bowling.
• Play bocce with extra lane balls
• Try to juggle the balls, when you drop them, start screaming about plate tectonics again
• Every ten minutes run the entire length of the building beating your own head and speaking in tongues, then sit down as if nothing happened.
• Bring full fishing gear, ask how they’re biting
• Completely cover your ball in duct tape (sticky side out) then loudly complain about how your hook is off.
• Hide behind the pins. Stick your head up, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.
• Use a Curling Weight instead, bring a full team of sweepers.
• Throw refuse down the ball return, tell the owner the trash compactor is busted.
• Make your presence known by arranging pentagrams out of candles on every lane except yours.
• Root for the other team- Bring Banners.
• Make fun of your team- Bring Rotten Tomatoes.
• Tell the rival team captain that you just met his “little girl” walk away mumbling “how bad things happen”
• Bring a foghorn, use at crucial moments
• Even if you miss totally–At the top of your lungs scream STEEEEEEEEERIKE
• Bring a small gold idol, demand the other team pray to it.
• Rent all the lanes, don’t bowl
• Rent all the shoes, eat them
• Blatantly underscore yourself, then accuse the other team of cheating
• When an opponent is on his back swing, race up and take his ball, run home.
• If your team is in the finals, throw nothing but gutter balls, blame plate tectonics
• Trip EVERY member of the opposing team, trip your team, trip everyone
• Wear a baseball uniform, bowl sidearm.
• Super Glue Police Whistles to the hand-dryers…leave town
• Walk around asking people why they are here, do this the whole night
• Ask to use the house mic. Say you want to make an announcement, expound on the sins of bowling
• Name your ball something like “KILLER”, Openly boast to everyone how great you are, bowl terribly. Do this all night
• Sit in your lane and heckle others with a Bull Horn.
• Bring a dart gun…Be inventive.
• Wrestle with your ball. (WWF Style) Ask someone to ref.
• Run around sprinkling “MAGIC FAIRY DUST” on everyone’s balls. Tar works nice.
• Sponsor a Really Big Open Bowl Night, that doesn’t even have a Entrance fee. Advertise it using Every Mass Media known to man, make the 3rd Prize: $10,000 and a Porsche, 2nd Prize: $50,000 and a trip to Europe, 1st Prize: A coffee mug. Then sit back a watch the fights…..leave or cancel the whole thing.
• Hand out Pamphlets on plate tectonics.
Are You Drunk?
Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says,
“You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up, and yells at me for staying out so late!”
His friend looks at him and says,
“Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO’S HORNY????!!!” and she acts like she’s sound asleep! Works Every Time!!!
Wacky Job Interviews
Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.
• An applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
• An applicant wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
• An applicant fell and broke his arm during the interview.
• A candidate announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer’s office.
• An applicant explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.
• A candidate said he had never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
• A balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.
• An applicant said that if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
• An applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
• A candidate brought a large dog to interview.
• An applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed while standing up.
• One candidate dozed off during interview.
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run these applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create “Snoring Loudly” wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.
Funny Quotes On Business And Finance
• October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February. (Mark Twain)
• Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. (Mark Twain)
• Pennies don’t fall from heaven. They have to be earned on earth. (Margaret Thatcher)
• Oh, Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz
My friends all drive Porsche’s, I must make amends. (Janis Joplin)
• The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one. (Mark Twain)
• My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. (Ed Furgol)
• I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. (Charles Lamb)
• A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it is written on. (Sam Goldwyn)
• Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. (Spike Milligan)
• The light at the end of the tunnel is just the light of an oncoming train. (Robert Lowell)
• What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. (Henny Youngman)
• There are three easy ways of losing money – racing is the quickest, women the most pleasant, and farming the most certain. (Lord Amherst)
• My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil. (Paul Getty)
• Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially legal tender. (Kay Ingram)
• I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. (Mark Twain)
• I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. (Groucho Marx)
• Did you ever think that making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else. (Lyndon B. Johnson)
Responses To Telemarketers
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died, . . .”
3. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male.
Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with XYZ Company.”
You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, “What are you wearing?”
5. Cry out in surprise, “Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say “No” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends, would you be my friend?”
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?”
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can’t just give your credit cards number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can’t sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, “Oh my God!” and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The Telemarketer will agree and you say, “Me either!” Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, “Okay, I’ll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I’m not wearing any clothes.”
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
Play The Office Game
Here’s a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows:
Run one lap around the office at top speed.
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
When they’re not looking, pour most of someone’s fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.
Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you.
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say “Just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye.”
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask “Did you get all that, I don’t want to have to repeat it.” – Double points if you do this to a manager.
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as ‘Bob’.
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do number two”.
After every sentence, say ‘mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, “the report’s on your desk, mon”. Keep this up for one hour.
While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, all of you just shut up!”
In a colleague’s diary, write in 10 am: “See how I look in tights”.
Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask “You wanna trade?”
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now”
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, “I can’t talk about it”
Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.
Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, “not now” and walk away.
What Men Really Mean
• “Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love.” Really means…. “I forgot our anniversary again.”
• “You expect too much of me.” Really means…. “You want me to stay awake.”
• “It’s a really good movie.” Really means…. “It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and Sharon Stone.”
• “That’s women’s work.” Really means…. “It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.”
• “Will you marry me?” Really means…. “Both my roommates have moved out, I can’t find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.”
• “Go ask your mother.” Really means…. “I am incapable of making a decision.”
• “You know how bad my memory is.” Really means…. “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”
• “I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.” Really means…. “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”
• “Football is a man’s game.” Really means…. “Women are generally too smart to play it.”
• “Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself, it’s no big deal.” Really means…. “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”
• “I do help around the house.” Really means…. “I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.”
• “Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.” Really means…. “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”
• “I can’t find it.” Really means…. “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”
• “What did I do this time?” Really means…. “What did you catch me at?”
• “What do you mean, you need new clothes?” Really means…. “You just bought new clothes 3 years ago.”
• “She’s one of those rabid feminists.” Really means…. “She refused to make my coffee.”
• “But I hate to go shopping.” Really means…. “Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.”
• “No, I left plenty of gas in the car.” Really means…. “You may actually get it to start.”