Frank Sinatra & Bob Hope
Can you please turn off the ‘are you still watching’ feature? We are in quarantine, so yes, we are still watching. I don’t think we need this kind of judgment in this time of uncertainty. Please update it to ‘are you sure you want to eat that?’
This would be more helpful.
All Of Us
If Trump Were Captain Of The RMS Titanic
The following would be his announcements.
There isn’t any iceberg.
There was an iceberg but it’s in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean, but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg, but we didn’t hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be repaired very shortly.
The iceberg is a Chinese iceberg.
We are taking on water but every passenger who wants a lifeboat can get a lifeboat,
and they are beautiful lifeboats.
Look, passengers need to ask nicely for the lifeboats if they want them.
We don’t have any lifeboats, we’re not lifeboat distributors.
Passengers should have planned for icebergs and brought their own lifeboats.
I really don’t think we need that many lifeboats.
We have lifeboats and they’re supposed to be our lifeboats, not the passengers’ lifeboats.
The lifeboats were left on shore by the last captain of this ship.
Nobody could have foreseen the iceberg.
• I’ve met some pricks in my time but you really are the full cactus.
• Tact is for people who lack the wit to respond with sarcasm.
• Leave sarcasm and insults to the professionals. You’re an amateur.
• I’m guessing you’re not a rocket scientist by profession?
• You’re about as useful as a condom with a hole in it.
• You’re wearing that shirt for a bet, surely?
• There’s more intelligent life at the bottom of ponds.
• If your aim was to impress me, you’ve failed.
• Does your care giver know you’re out on your own?
• Did I ask for your opinion? I think not.
• If I act like I don’t care that’s because I don’t.
• If it’s loyalty you want get a dog.
• If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
• That’s an eye-catching dress mam. Where did you buy it? Walmart?
• You’re living proof that even dumb people can find work.
• Has anyone ever told you that you’re a sandwich short of a picnic?
• You’re the result of four billion years of evolution. Try to act like it.
• That was about as interesting as watching paint dry.
• I’ve had more fun having root canal treatment.
• You’re not the sharpest knife in the drawer, are you?
• Did you still find it funny when it happened to you?
• You’re not ugly. Unattractive definitely, but not really ugly.
• If you don’t want sarcastic answers don’t ask me stupid questions.
Man Tries To Embarrass This Female Employee In The Lingerie Department But Her Comeback Is Priceless
(I am the lead in the lingerie department. After watching me for 15 minutes, a middle-aged man approaches me as I’m folding underwear. Note that this customer has bothered other female workers and is clearly a panty fetishist.)
Customer: “So, I’m buying some panties for my teenage daughter. Are these something that she would like?” *hands me a satin thong*
Me: “It depends on your daughter, but the pattern on them is nice.”
Customer: “But, will she like them? You’re about the same age. Do you wear panties like these? You
said that they were nice. Do you own a pair of these panties?”
(I’ve worked in lingerie for awhile now and know what this customer is up to.)
Me: “Oh no, sir. Thongs are very bad for vaginal health. They help bacteria move from the anus to the vulva area and can cause urinary tract infections. Plus, cotton underwear really are the best, as satin doesn’t breathe properly and can lead to yeast infections.
Customer: *stunned silence, turning red*
Me: *leads him to the “granny panty” section* “Really, these would be the best for your daughter. They’re the only underwear that I’ll wear! It’s best for her vaginal health. This
four-pack is very economical. Is there anything else I can help you with?
Customer: *drops satin underwear and walks away very fast*
Me: “Have a great day!”
(My manager saw the exchange and gave me a high-five. The customer still bought underwear from us, but he never bothered another female worker again!)
hings To Do When You Have Way Too Much Time, And Money
1. Make vanilla pudding. Put it in mayo jar. Eat it in public
2. Hire two private investigators Get them to follow each other.
3. Wear that short that says “Life” Hand out lemons on street corner.
4. Get into a crowded elevator and say “I bet you’re all wondering Why I gathered you here today.”
S. Major in philosophy. Ask people WHY they would like fries with that.
6. Run into a store. Ask what year it is. When someone answers yell “It worked!” and run cheering
7. Become a doctor Change name to Acula.
8. Change name to Simon. Speak in the third person
9. Buy a parrot. Teach the parrot to say “Help! I’ve been turned into a parrot.”
10. When money Come out of the ATM scream. “I Won, I won!”
11. Follow around joggers in your car blasting “Eye of the Tiger” for encouragement.
Sometimes you just have to close your eyes, count to ten, take a deep breath, remind yourself that you wouldn’t look good in prison stripes and just smile at the dumbass and walk away.
Nice Things To Whisper When Hugging Someone
Depending on your point of view
- you smell different when you’re awake
- please help me (then smile as if nothing happened)
- you have lovely skin, i can’t wait to wear it
- your hair tastes like strawberries
- tonight… you.
- he knows, don’t go home.
- i always knew you would die in my arms
- every time i poop i think of you
- no one will ever believe you
- i killed mufasa
- i bet you didn’t feel me lick your ear
- mother told me it would be like this
- oh Christ
He Asked His Grandma Why She Doesn’t Have A Boyfriend. But What Followed Is Gold
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, ‘Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?’
Grandma replied, ‘Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.’
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, ‘Hello son, is your Grandma home?’
The little boy replied, ‘Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangint her boyfriend.’
The minister fainted..
Signs You Are Out of College:
1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven’t seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You’re not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that “Bachelor” is a nicer term for a jackass.
14.”Extended childhood” only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. “Twenty-something” means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps aren’t staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police don’t raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
24. You don’t know what time Wendy’s closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.
Insults And Comebacks To Respond The People Who Talk Shit
• How long did it take you to come up with that one?
• I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than that.
• I don’t argue with idiots, they will just lower me to their level then beat me with experience.
• I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up my ass.
• It’s pointless to make fun of you because it will take you the rest of the day to figure it out.
• It’s scary to think that people like you are allowed to vote.
• Think before you talk. Do you even listen to the things that come out of your mouth?
• Were you held back a grade? Two?
• Wow, you’re even dumber than you look.