St. Patrick’s Day
If Men Got Pregnant
1. Maternity leave would last two years….with full pay.
2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.
3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem.
5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
8. They wouldn’t think twins were so cute.
9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
12. They’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree’s.
14. Women would rule the world.
Confusion At The Store
There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.”
Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
Red Neck Country Tunes
1. Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye
3. Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
4. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
5. I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
6. I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
7. I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
8. I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You
9. I’m Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
10. If Love Were Oil, I’d Be A Quart Low
11. My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
12. Oh, I’ve Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
13. She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED – We are still pissing in the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM – We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION – We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH – It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED – We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE – The damn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING – We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED – The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS – It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT – Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL – Let’s spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING – We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we’ve already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION – I can’t wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET’S DISCUSS – Come into my office, I’m lonely.
15. ALL NEW – Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED – Too damn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT – Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT – One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING – Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE – Impossible to fix if broken.
Laws Of Household Physics
Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:
1. A child’s eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.
2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.
3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.
4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.
5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.
6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.
7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.
8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.
9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.
10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies.
Differences Between Men & Women
HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary, and they dot their “i’s” with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their “p’s” and “g’s.” It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
COMEDY: Let’s say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man’s favorite stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.
BATHROOMS: A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical American women’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Most men take only 2-3 minutes to relieve themselves. Women’s Restrooms always have long lines.
GOING OUT: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready, as soon as she finds her other earring, makes one phone call and finishes putting on her makeup.
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men abuse cats (that’s just an expression honey I would never abuse our cats).
SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip in Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Sacks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.
MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface, mirrors, spoons, store window, toasters, a bald man’s head.
MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction — he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Top Signs You Picked The Wrong Internet Service Provider
1. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length of string.
2. You check out their address, and it’s a phone booth containing a Compaq portable and an acoustic coupler.
3. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack in the woods.
4. Their proud boast: “We’ve been on the Internet since it was CB radio.”
5. Their promo materials use the words “information” and “superhighway” in the same sentence.
6. You order an SLIP/PPP connection, email, and 2MB of server space for your personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the phone asks “Would you like fries with that?”
7. “As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports.”
8. “Access speeds up to 9,600 BPS in most areas.”
9. They hawk both domain names and Rolexes on street corners.
10. They charge by the word.
Mum, Can You Babysit?
Daughter: ‘Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?’
Mother: ‘You’re going out?’
Mother: ‘With whom?’
Daughter: ‘With a friend.’
Mother: ‘I don’t know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.’
Daughter: ‘MOM, I didn’t leave him. He left me!’
Mother: ‘You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.’
Daughter: ‘MA, I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?’
Mother: ‘I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.’
Daughter: ‘There are lots of things that you did and I don’t.’
Mother: ‘What are you hinting at?
Daughter: ‘Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.’
Mother: ‘You’re going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?’
Daughter: ‘MA, its My EX husband. I don’t think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!’
Mother: ‘So you’re going to sleep over at this loser’s place?’
Daughter: ‘MOM, He’s not a loser.’
Mother: ‘A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.’
Daughter: ‘MA, I don’t want to argue; should I bring over the kids or not?’
Mother: ‘Poor children with such a mother.’
Daughter: ‘Such a what?’
Mother: ‘With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.’
Daughter: ‘ENOUGH MA!!!’
Mother: ‘Don’t scream at me. You probably scream at the loser too!’
Daughter: ‘Great MA, Now you’re worried about the loser?’
Mother: ‘Ah, so you see he is a loser and I spotted him immediately.’
Daughter: ‘Goodbye, mother.’
Mother: ‘Wait! Wait! Don’t hang up! When are you bringing them over? ‘
Daughter: ‘I’m not bringing them over! I’m not going out!’
Mother: ‘If you never go out …how do you expect to meet anyone?”
Best Drunk Story Ever!
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
‘I went by your grandma’s house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-n@ked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!’
The biker looks at him and doesn’t say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would usually fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: ‘I got it on with your grandma and I’ll tell you, she is the best I ever had!’
The biker’s buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, ‘I’ll tell you something else boy, your grandma really liked it!’
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says………………..
Grandpa………. Go home!
Men’s Greeting Cards
A survey has found that about 90% of all Hallmark greeting cards are purchased by women. In order to attract more males to buy and exchange greeting cards, the following are some greeting card suggestions created to attract more male buyers:
Cover picture: Dim, misty, moody picture of a vase of roses.
Cover caption: Condolences
Inside caption: …on the loss of your remote control.
Cover picture: Nostalgic picture of a young couple strolling through a field holding hands.
Cover caption: Darling, as we go into our 10th year together…
Inside caption: I swear I’ll leave my wife soon!
Cover picture: Gold-leafed picture of a vase of red roses.
Cover caption: Get well soon, darling!
Inside caption: This house doesn’t clean itself!
Cover picture: Two men standing on lush golf course, one of them ready to putt.
Cover caption: To my golf partner…
Inside caption: Just to let you know, I’m sleeping with my secretary.
Cover picture: Dark moody picture of a vase of roses.
Cover caption: In sympathy, I’m sorry to hear the news…
Inside caption: That you’ve been beaten senseless again in another bar fight.
Cover picture: Norman Rockwell-ish painting of a young girl picking daisies.
Cover caption: To the daughter that I love…
Inside caption: No daughter of mine is leaving this house dressed like a slut!
Cover picture: Misty photo of a couple embracing and kissing.
Cover caption: To my wonderful wife…I know we’ve had a little disagreement
Inside caption: But please don’t cut off my sex organ as I sleep tonight!
Cover picture: Photo of two men shaking hands.
Cover caption: Congratulations and the best of luck!
Inside caption: To the installation of your new hair plugs!