Ernestine The Telephone Operator Calls General Motors
If Men Got Pregnant…
1. Maternity leave would last two years….with full pay.
2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.
3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem.
5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
8. They wouldn’t think twins were so cute.
9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
12. They’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree’s.
14. Women would rule the world.
AN ACTUAL CRAIG’S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn’t expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan.
She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head … isn’t it?!
I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with crap in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]I then threw your wallet into the big pink “pimp mobile” that was parked at the curb, after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car. Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you, but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you’ve chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,
More Fun Stuff To Do When You Have A Roommate
Steal something valuable of your roommate’s. If s/he asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate.
Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your roommate protests, say, “The people have a right to know!”
Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.
Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, “Don’t worry. It’s not what you think.” If s/he asks about it again, immediately change the subject.
Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, “Damn road runner….”
Leave memos on your roommate’s bed that say things like, “I know what you did,” and “Don’t think you can fool me.” Sign them in blood.
Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If s/he protests, tell him/her that it’s all for charity.
Watch “Psycho” every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.
Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, “Welcome to McDonald’s, can I take your… Oh, it’s just you.” Take off the hat, sit, and pout.
Go through your roommate’s textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn’t take it anymore.
Late at night, start conversations that begin with, “Remember the good old days, when we used to…” and make up stories involving you and your roommate.
Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, “Boy, these zoos just aren’t what they used to be.”
Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.
Gender Centric Poems Of Their Deepest Desire
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One whom call, not wait for weeks
I pray he’s rich and self-employed.
And when I spend, won’t be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh, send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.
A MAN’S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit.
Truisms About Love and Sex
Love and sex are perhaps the most perplexing (and entertaining) aspects of the human condition. Here then are a few truisms to help keep things in perspective.
• Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
• The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
• Nothing improves with age.
• No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again.
• There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
• Sex appeal is 50 percent what you’ve got and 50 percent what people think you’ve got.
• Sex is like snow—you never know how many inches you’re going to get or how long it’s going to last.
• If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
• Virginity can be cured.
• Sex has no calories.
• When a man’s wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
• Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
• The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.
• Sex is dirty only if it’s done right.
• It is always the wrong time of month.
• When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
• Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.
• Sow your wild oats on Saturday night. On Sunday, pray for crop failure.
• The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
• It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
• Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
• There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
• Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.
• Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
• If the effort that went into research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot dog stands on the moon.
• Love is a matter of chemistry. Sex is a matter of physics.
• Sex is a three-letter word that needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
• One good turn gets most of the blankets.
• You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
• Abstain from wine, women and song. Mostly song.
• Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
• Never argue with a woman when she’s tired—or rested.
• A woman never forgets the men she could have had. A man, the women he couldn’t.
• What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
• It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
• A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn’t love her.
• Beauty is skin deep. Ugly goes right to the bone.
• A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
• There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
• Never go to bed mad—stay up and fight.
• Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
One day an employee sends a letter to his boss to increase his salary!!!
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon
The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
What A Choice!
You can retire to Phoenix or Tucson, Arizona where…
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can retire to California where…
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
You can retire to New York City where…
1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is “nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You’ve worn out a car horn. (Note: If you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can retire to Minnesota where…
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can retire to the Deep South where…
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either “in yonder,” “over yonder” or “out yonder.” It’s important to know the difference, too.
You can retire to Colorado where…
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can retire to the Midwest where…
1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at?”
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, “It was different!”
FINALLY You can retire to Florida where.
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
Serves Him Right
Does it bother anyone else when someone is on their cell phone and conducts very personal calls that you really don’t want to hear but are trapped into listening to? You’ll enjoy this one:
After a busy day, and just as everyone was settling down for a nap on the train for home, a man sitting in the midst hauled out his cell phone and started up a loud, lengthy conversation:
“Hi darling, it’s Bob… I’m on the train…Yes, I know it’s the 6:30 not the 4:30, but I had a long meeting…No, not with that floozie from the typing pool, with the boss… No, darling, you’re the only one in my life…Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., blah, blah, blah . . .”
When this went on more than 15 minutes, a young woman sitting opposite him, driven beyond endurance, yelled at the top of her voice, “Hey, Bob! Turn off that phone and come back to bed!”
What Is A Kiss?
Management Lesson: Views of People of Different Disciplines.
*COMPUTER SCIENCE* “A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.”
*ALGEBRA* “A kiss is two divided by nothing.”
*PHYSICS* “A kiss is a contraction of the mouth due to an expansion of the heart.”
*CHEMISTRY* “A kiss is the reaction resulting from the interaction between two hearts.”
*ACCOUNTING* “A kiss must be considered an investment that is profitable when returned.”
*ECONOMICS* “A kiss is one of those things for which the demand is always higher than the supply.”
*PHILOSOPHY* “A kiss is persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth, and homage for the old.”
*THEOLOGY* “A kiss is divine.”
*EARTH SCIENCES* “A kiss is a clean, green, renewable energy resource that works best when recycled often.”
*PHARMACOLOGY* “A kiss is an oral stimulant taken by mouth that can often cure what ails you.”
*LAW* “A kiss is when the party of the first part and the party of the second part have reached a mutually beneficial understanding that two (2) pair of lips shall co-exist in, for all practical purposes, the same space and time for a temporary period.”
*POLITICAL SCIENCE* “A kiss is that which will cost your career if experienced with anyone other than your spouse.”
*POLITICAL SCIENCE* “A kiss is that which will cost your career if experienced with anyone other than your spouse
*ENGINEERING* “I’m sorry. I’m not familiar with that word.”
(name withheld) Minnetonka, MN 55345
Superior Health Insurance ATTN: Claims Review 1423 W. 90th St. New York, NY 05016
This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put “Stupidity”. I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization.
I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unnecessary force, returned the lid back to its normal position.
Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my body, which were still exposed, were trapped between the device’s lid and its main body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain caused me to jump back. It quickly came to my attention that, when one’s privates are firmly attached to an immovable object, it is not a good idea to jump in the opposite direction.
Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to reopen the lid. However, my slamming of it had been sufficient to allow the locking mechanism to engage. I then proceeded to get a hold on my pants and subsequently removed my keys from them. I intended to try to force the lock of the device open with one of my keys; thus extracting myself.
Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock. Embarrassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became a minor concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm and rational manner as I could. An employee from the restaurant quickly arrived and decided that this was a problem requiring the attention of the store manager.
Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the device with her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the device, she could not get her key in. Seeing no other solution, she called the EMS (as indicated on your form in block 21(b)(1)).
After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two police officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 ”On-the-Spot” news team. The guys from the fire department quickly took charge as this was obviously a rescue operation. The senior member of the team discovered that the device was attached with bolts to the cement wall that could only be reached once the device was unlocked. (His discovery was by means of tearing apart the device located in the stall next to the one that I was in. (Since the value of the property destroyed in his examination was less than $50 (my deductible) I did not include it in my claim.) His partner, who seemed like an intelligent fellow at the time, came up with the idea of cutting the device from the wall with the propane torch that was in the rescue truck.
The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced to attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state to think of such things, I might have realized that in cutting the device from the wall several things would also inevitably happen. First, the air inside of the device would quickly heat up, causing items inside the device to suffer the same effects that are normally achieved by placing things in an oven. Second, the metal in the device is a good conductor of heat causing items that are in contact with the device to react as if thrown into a hot skillet. And, third, molten metal would shower the inside of the device as the torch cut through.
The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to cut, in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big enough for a small pry bar to be placed inside of the device. The EMS team then loaded me, along with the device, into the waiting ambulance as stated on your form.
Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give a full explanation of these events, and thus used the word which I thought best described my actions that led to my hospitalization.
Sincerely, (name withheld)