Friday Fun Stuff – 6-21-24

Job Interview – That Mitchell & Webb Look

Andrew Jackson: Most Terrifying Man Ever Elected President

Getting Old

• When you are getting old, everything hurts. What doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work
• The gleam in your eye is the sun shining in your bi-focals
• You feel like the morning after, but you haven’t been anywhere
• Your children begin to look middle aged
• You join a health club but don’t go
• You have all the answers, but no one asks you the questions
• You look forward to a dull evening
• You need glasses to find your glasses
• You turn out the light for economy instead of romance
• You sit in the rocking chair and can’t make it go
• Your knees buckle, but your belt won’t
• Your back goes out more than you do
• Your house is too big, and your medicine cupboard is not big enough
• You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there
• Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles

Attitude Adjustment

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit says, “Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest! You’ll see, you’ll feel so much better!” The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant snorting coke, so the rabbit again says, “Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest! You’ll see, you’ll feel so good!” The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up and the rabbit says, “Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think of what you are doing to your body! Come running with us through the sunny forest! You will feel so good!” The lion puts down his needle, picks up the rabbit and starts beating him.

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror they say, “Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!”

The lion says, “He always makes me run around the forest for hours every time he’s on ecstasy!”

Increasingly Obvious Titles For Young Adult Thrillers

Good Girls Don’t Murder, But I’m Morally Ambiguous

Everyone in This Book Is a Liar, Especially Me

We Can’t Both Be Telling the Truth, But It’s Me, the Narrator… Or Is It?

The Dead Can Keep a Secret but the People Who Know These Secrets Are Not as Dead as It Might Have Seemed at the Onset of the Book

I Didn’t Kill Jillian, Per Se, But I Am Indirectly Responsible for Her Death and While It Haunts Me, I Am Still a Redeemable Character

Three Out of Seven of the Characters Are Killed So If the Killer Was Taking a Killer 101 Class He’d Have a 43 Percent and Be Put on Academic Probation

Don’t Forget That Facial Reconstruction Exists

Don’t Forget That Twins Exist

Don’t Forget That This Is a Part of a Series and We Can’t Wrap Up Too Much

Gone Girl But with Kids

My Family Is Evil and I Am Too, But in a Good Way

The Girl in the Red Coat Is Actually Several People Wearing Different Red Coats Because It’s Not That Hard to Find Red Coats

The Author Is an Adult, So Sure, the Slang Is Going to Feel Weird

Don’t Worry, the Old Racist Guy Gets Impaled, So All This Language Is Okay

How My Husband And I Terrified A Cab Driver

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a ‘night light’ and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn’t want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

Because I didn’t want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

“Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass down the stairs and threw her into the backyard….she had better not sh*t in the vegetable garden again.”

The silence in the taxi was deafening.

Security Questions Updated For The Modern Age

• What was your signature quarantine cocktail?
• What is your favorite meme?
• What was the first company to ghost you after a job interview?
• How much student debt did you incur while pursuing higher education?
• How much medical debt did you incur during your most expensive trip to the hospital?
• What is the name of your worst Tinder date?
• What color would you paint your house if you had money to buy a house (and also to paint it)?
• Who is the person you went to high school with who recently attempted to recruit you for their “all-natural skincare” pyramid scheme?
• How many nervous breakdowns did you have between the years 2016 and 2023?
• How many nervous breakdowns do you anticipate yourself having between the years 2024 and 2031?
• What is your first guess on Wordle?
• How many children do you know named Liam?
• What is one of your carefully crafted tweets that you feel didn’t get the attention it deserved?
• Which of your family members is now a part of QAnon?
• Who is your least favorite Kardashian?
• What is the worst piece of advice you have received from a therapist on Better Help?
• In what year do you expect to become a climate refugee?
• How many pairs of Toms did you own between the years 2006 and 2016?
• What is your favorite TV show to have playing in the background while you stare at your phone for six hours without blinking?
• What is your favorite social media app to doom scroll while you unsuccessfully attempt to watch a TV show?
• What is your favorite cryptocurrency?
• How many wildfires have you fled as of December 31st, 2023?
• What billionaire do you wish was on the Titan submarine?
• How many children would you choose to have if it was affordable to have any children at all?
• What is your favorite vape flavor?

Montana Grizzly Bear Notice

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.

“We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells like pepper.”

Victorian-Era Erotica

• Wrists Illustrated
• Medicine-Ball Men
• Ringlets Weekly
• Knees!
• Hats Off Magazine
• Shapely Vials & Beakers
• Mutton Chop Lads
• Barely Regal
• Men on Cliffsides
• Full-Frontal Waistcoats
• Forbidden Cheekbones
• Bad Bonnets Weekly
• Pin-Up Butlers
• Erotic Bows & Curtsies
• Bathing Gowns Monthly
• Bonnie, Bonnie Foreheads
• Naughty Neckerchiefs
• Desperate Dowagers
• X-Rated Jawlines
• Men Without Monocles
• Escorts in Ascots
• Hardcore Floral Arrangements
• Sexy Table & Piano Legs
• Ma’am Magazine
• Under the Frock, Over the Petticoat
• Bathing Gowns Monthly: Flannel Edition

The Sweet Grandmother

The following can be read out by one person, or acted out by two, quite funny and true sometimes!

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Josephs Hospital. She timdly asked “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

OPERATOR – I’ll be glad to help, dear, What’s the name and room number of the patient?

GRANDMOTHER – Norma Findlay Room 302

OPERATOR – Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room. After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone

OPERATOR – I have good news – Her nurse just told me that Noma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine, her blood test just came back normal and her Physician Dr Cohen has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.

GRANDMOTHER – Thank you, That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news. OPERATOR – You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?

GRANDMOTHER – No- I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302 and no one tells me anything. Thanks again

What’s The Scariest Words A Woman Can Say To A Man

• I’m late
• Check out my balls
• I forgot to tell you I have Herpes.
• My mother is coming for a few weeks
• I used to be called Steve
• Why don’t you just go to sleep.
• I was thinking…
• I have a penis
• Don’t worry I’m on the pill
• My brother said he’s next
• Fine!
• Well, my balls are itching
• Run my husband is home
• Is it in?
• I have a penis too
• I’m pregnant
• Are you in yet
• Here. Put this cage on. Tyrone’s paying a visit
• Everything’s fine, now go to sleep
• I used to be a guy
• I thought it would be bigger than that
• I’m late
• We need to talk

Woman Gets Pulled Over And Admits To A Murder. What She Does Next Is Genius.

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you Were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see… can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars
circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you Step out Of your vehicle please!

The woman Steps out Of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one Of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

Just The Thing For Your Little Satan Worshiper