Mad Tv – Ms. Swan At The Drive Through
Comments From Patients Made While Undergoing Colonoscopies
1. “Take it easy, Doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before.”
2. “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”
3. “Can you hear me NOW?”
4. “Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!”
5. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”
6. “You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”
7. “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”
8. “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey…”
9. “Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
10.”If your hand doesn’t fit, you must acquit!”
11. “Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”
12. “You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?”
13. “Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?”
As a child I saw Tarzan almost naked, Cinderella arrived home after midnight, Pinocchio told lies, Aladdin was a thief, Batman drove over 200 miles an hour, Snow White lived in a house with 7 men, Popeye smoked a pipe and had tattoos, Pac Man ran around to digital music while eating pills that enhanced his performance, and Shaggy and Scooby were mystery solving hippies that always had the munchies.
This is how I grew up!
Lines People Have Used On Phone Scammers
I tell them I was killed in an accident
Caller: “We understand you have got a problem with Windows” (on your computer)
Me: ” Thank goodness you called you are a life saver my bathroom window is broken when can you come and fix it?
I get “We have you on record as being involved in a car accident” automated bot calls. I say yes so I get through to a human and lead them on as long as I can and then tell em the accident was that I spilt my coffee in the car.
Then they hang up.
One accused me of being a liar.
“You should be ashamed of yourself, trying to steal from people – what would your mother think? Why don’t you get an honest job?”
Told an accident claims I had lost both my legs in car accident and now had artificial legs but the surgeons had manage to save my feet.
Hold on a moment…
Just keep them hanging on. They will wait a while and at least they’re not bothering anyone else.
Then they’ll say, ‘you had a terrible accident. ‘
And I’ll say, ‘Oh Yeah, that reminds me, I had a head injury.’
Then hang up
Scammer: Can you confirm your name & address?
Me: Yes, I can, I know who I am & where I live
To one of those “calling about your car accident”, I started off very quietly saying I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet, then when they persisted, I put on an emotional voice and screamed “Look, money won’t bring him back, OK!” and hung up.
Why are you phoning an active crime scene and what was your relationship with the murder victim?
Caller: ‘Hello can I speak to XXX’
Me: Yes just a moment I’ll get her for you…
Then I put the phone in a closed draw until the get they message.
Okay, but before I answer any of your questions, I need to ask you a couple of security questions.
What was the name of your first Pet?
Name of your favorite teacher?
Any answer they give, I say, “I’m. Sorry that’s not the answer I’ve got here.”
They normally hang up at this point.
Double glazing salesmen used to ring me up all the time
A fella I used to work with would always say, ‘when do you want to see me?’ They would reply, ‘Tuesday’ To which he responded, ‘sorry I can’t do that, I’m at my bankruptcy hearing!’ They always hung up!
I told one I was burgling the house and he still tried to go ahead with the call
The “Yes I was in a car accident on Christmas Eve…..
I hit a deer…..
It wrecked my car”…..
I can keep it going for ages until I get to the bit where I say I could see the red nose on the deer glowing.
All I said when I picked up and heard the telltale call center noise was, “Los Angeles Police Department”
My dad likes to say, “There must be some mistake. There’s no phone at this residence.” And then hangs up.
If my phone reads “scam likely” or “unknown”, I generally go with:
“Hey! Bert’s meat department where you may beat our prices but you will never beat our meat”
“Roadkill cafe, you kill it we grill it!”
“Joe’s Taxidermy. You snuff ‘em, we stuff ‘em.”
“LA County Morgue, ‘You stab em, we slab em’. May I ask which corpse you are calling about?”
“Ed’s Funeral Home, ‘You kill ‘em, we chill ‘em”.
Nothing Is Good For You
A Doctor was addressing a large audience. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”
More Things To Say While Having Sex And While Remodeling A House
• The ceiling could use some new paint.
• Once it’s in, we can adjust it for fit
• Can’t find a stud
• The project became way more complex than quoted.
• I like what you’re proposing but I’ve got 4 other guys coming by to show me what they’ve got
• I can bang that harder.
• Put a little oil on that and it’ll slide right in
• This is going to look so much nicer after I finish
• The tongue goes into the groove
• I can’t believe how dated it looks – I once thought it was attractive
• You can’t splatter that plaster there
• You know honey, if you want THAT we’re gonna have to call in a professional. That’s way beyond my abilities.
• Well, what we’re gonna do is open this up and lay all new pipe. That should increase your flow a good 25%.
• How many studs were you thinking?
• Your mom was right in that we really have to lay down more plastic sheeting, because this is going to be way messier than we thought.
• I’m gonna hide something in here for the next guy.
• They make it look so much easier on TV.
Two old ladies, Dolly and Ruby were talking about their grandchildren.
Dolly said, “Each year I send each of my grandchildren a card with a generous cheque inside. But I never hear from them and never receive a thank you message.”
Ruby replies, “I too send my grandchildren a very generous cheque.
I always hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit.”
“Wow, how come?” remarked Dolly.
“I don’t sign the cheque”.
Top 10 Signs You Should Get A Divorce
10. For Valentine’s Day he gives you a box of Pop Tarts and says, “If you need me, I’ll be at Hooters.”
9. The only thing you have in common is your hatred for one another.
8. You ask the guy at Hallmark where the “Controlling Bitch” section is.
7. You keep finding receipts for the guys she’s hired to kill you.
6. You still haven’t forgiven him for nailing that fat intern when he was a resident.
5. She brings a date to couples counseling.
4. You just married Liza Minnelli.
3. He won’t shut up about how great his secretary is in bed.
2. You sleep in separate beds in separate bedrooms in separate houses in separate states.
1. Her pet nickname for you — “Numb-nuts.”
The Spaghetti Incident
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
‘Honey, she said, ‘you received a very strange post card today.’
‘Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,’ he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without. Send Extra sauce!
Who Said That
“Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances.”
– Dr. Lee DeForest, “Father of Radio & Grandfather of Television.”
“The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.”
– Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project
“There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.”
– Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.”
– Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.”
– Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
“I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.”
–The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
“But what is it good for?”
– Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
“640K ought to be enough for anybody.”
– Bill Gates, 1981
This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us,”
– Western Union internal memo, 1876.
“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?”
– David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
“The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C,’ the idea must be feasible,”
– A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
“I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper,”
–Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With The Wind.”
“A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make,”
– Response to Debbi Fields’ idea of starting Mrs. Fields’ Cookies.
“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out,”
– Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible,”
– Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
“If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment.
The literature was full of examples that said you can’t do this,”
- – Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M “Post-It” Notepads.
“Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You’re crazy,”
– Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
“Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.”
– Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
“Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value,”
– Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre, France
“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.”
– Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
“The super computer is technologically impossible. It would take all of the water that flows over Niagara Falls to cool the heat generated by the number of vacuum tubes required.”
– Professor of Electrical Engineering, New York University
“I don’t know what use any one could find for a machine that would make copies of documents. It certainly couldn’t be a feasible business by itself.”
– Thomas Watson, the head of IBM, refusing to back the idea, forcing the inventor to found Xerox.
“Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.”
– Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
“The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon,”
– Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
And last but not least…
“Everything that can be invented has been invented,”
– Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.
What Was Her Husband Like?
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
‘What in bag?’, asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, ‘It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.’
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: