Don’t Steal Grandma’s Halloween Candy!
How Do You Know When You’re Too Old To Trick Or Treat?
• You ask for high fiber candy only
• You have to choose a costume that doesn’t dislodge your hairpiece… or your hip
• You ask other kids to chew the candy for you
• You avoid going to the house where your ex-wife lives… also awkward if you knock on a door of an ex-girlfriend and the kid looks a little like you.
• When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
• People say, “Great Keith Richard’s mask!” and you’re not wearing a mask.
• By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
• Your costume involves a tight dress and some form of animal ears.
• You’d rather drive around than walk.
• You reminisce about the times when you got the good candy.
• You don’t get the costumes kids are wearing.
• You get winded from knocking on the door and then you say “Trick or…can I just sit down on your porch?”
What Are You Dressed Up As?
It’s Halloween and when the man answers his door, there’s a well-dressed young boy there wearing a suit and matching tie, who says “Trick or treat”.
The man’s a bit confused so he asks the boy what he’s dressed up as.
“I’m an IRS agent”, says the boy, and with that, he snatches 40% of the candy, and leaves without saying thank you.
10 Things That Sound Dirty On Halloween, But Aren’t…
1. So…What’d you get in the sack?
2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!!!
3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!
4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks!
5. I got the best piece from that house.
6. Quit screwing around on the porch!!!
7. Stick your hand in and guess what you’re feeling!
8. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use TWO hands!!
9. They’ll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.
10. I bobbed and bobbed, but couldn’t get my mouth around it!
Stereotyping People By Their Halloween Costumes
Unimaginative gals looking to get laid
Unimaginative men who hear chicks are into vampires or something
More desperate version of above
Unimaginative people of all genders with body image issues
Unimaginative people of all genders who are frankly kind of confused about how much skin they should be showing
Babies with unimaginative and/or lazy parents
People who are living in 2005
People who are living in 2003
Girls who cried when the car they got for their Sweet 16 wasn’t expensive enough
Dudes who want to fuck shit up without being recognized
People who want an excuse to get totally wasted and bang into stuff
People who confuse rebellion with evil
People who confuse promiscuity with evil
People whose sense of irony is just beginning to develop
Lapsed Catholics, deeply conflicted Christians
Girls who make purring sounds at inopportune moments
The bro whose picture appears in the (slang) dictionary next to the definition of “dealbreaker”
Manic pixie dream girl wannabes
Ladies who describe themselves as “strong” and “independent” in their social media profiles
That guy who keeps trying to shock you by telling you he’s an atheist
Sex and the City fans who think going as Carrie would be way too obvi
Hipsters who secretly listen to Jefferson Airplane
Women who strongly identify with the word “ingenue”
Guys who dabble in live-action role playing games
Gals who like Disney, don’t understand history
Men who tear up when they hear “Desperado”
Guys who talk to themselves in the bathroom mirror
Girls who have little time, lots of black and white in their wardrobe
That guy at work who’s always forwarding your entire office “HI-larious” chain joke emails
Women who want to talk to you about chakras
Dudes looking for an excuse to make sexist jokes all night
Ladies who want men to look at them and think about beer
People too hungover to come up with a costume that doesn’t involve a dirty bed sheet. Toga! Toga!
Precocious tweens with bad parents
Men who profess to be disgusted by, but in reality are very jealous of, the Jersey Shore bros
Adult women who buy themselves flowers; little girls with indulgent parents
The guy who is trying to tell you something important, if only you’d listen
Mainstream girls who wish you’d acknowledge their artsy side
Post-college bros looking to recycle pot-leaf T-shirts, who think there’s nothing funnier than a white dude in a dreadlock wig
Ladies who are sick of competing with video games for their boyfriends’ attention
Guys looking to camouflage acne
Scooby Doo gang
Alice in Wonderland
Goth chicks who want to do something “unexpected” this year
Men who have been looking for a good excuse to wear nylons
Women who tell you they like old movies, haven’t seen many of them
Guys who tell you they like horror movies, haven’t seen many of them
People of both genders who are always the last ones to get the joke
Girls who will not date you, don’t even ask
The Top 10 Least Popular Halloween Handouts
1. Spinach flavored Rice Cakes.
2. Teeth removing Taffy
3. Metamucil in a straw
4. Ex-Lax Brownies
5. Caramel Covered Zucchini
6. Colored Crisco on a Stick
7. Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts
8. Chocolate Covered Prunes
9. Chocolate Covered Cockroaches
10. Anything that ticks!
When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it’s really dead.
If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house – move away immediately.
Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go it alone.
As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
If you’re searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it’s just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
Do not take anything from the dead.
If you find a town which looks deserted, it’s probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing.
If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you’re in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
Why Trick Or Treat Is Better Than Sex
10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6. It’s O.K. when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else…because you are.
5. Twenty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don’t like what you get you can always go next door.
3. It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the morning after.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX……
1. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD
Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, “Never take candy from strangers.” And then they dressed me up and said, “Go beg for it.” I didn’t know what to do. I’d knock on people’s doors and say, “Trick or treat. No, thank you.” ~ Rita Rudner
I dressed up as a veterinarian for a Halloween costume party. I had a lab coat. And I got a couple of stuffed animals for patients and put bandages on them. ~ Tracy Chapman
Nothing on Earth so beautiful as the final haul on Halloween night. ~ Steve Almond
A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween. ~ Erma Bombeck
Demons are a ghoul’s best friend. ~ Anon
Being in a band you can wear whatever you want–it’s like an excuse for Halloween everyday. ~ Gwen Stefani
Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it. ~ Lindsay Lohan
Really Bad Halloween One Liners
Q. What do you call a little monsters parents?
A. mummy and deady
Q. How do you keep a monster from biting his nails?
A. Give him screws.
Q. What’s a monsters favorite desert?
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They wear masking tape.
Q. What is a Mummie’s favorite type of music?
A. Wrap music!
Q. Why don’t mummies take vacations?
A. They’re afraid they’ll relax and unwind.
Q. Why was the mummy so tense?
A. Because he was all wound up.
Q. Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A. Because demons are a ghouls best friend!
Q. Where did the goblin throw the football?
A. Over the ghoul line.
Q. What do you call two spiders that just got married?
Q. What can’t you give the headless horseman?
A. A headache.
Q. Why did the headless horseman go into business?
A. He wanted to get ahead in life.
Q. Who are some of the werewolves cousins?
A. The whatwolves, the whowolves and the whenwolves.
Q: What’s a cold, evil candle called?
A: The wicked wick of the north.
Q: What’s a goblin’s favorite flavor?
A: Lemon Slime.
Q: What do birds give out on Halloween?
Q: What time is it if five demons are chasing you?
A: Five after one and time to run!
Q: When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
A: When you’re a mouse.
Q. The maker doesn’t want it. The buyer doesn’t use it. The user doesn’t see it. What is it?
A. A coffin!
Short Halloween Jokes
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
Q: What do you call a pumpkin carved to look like Mitt Romney?
Carving a pumpkin in fun. Repeatedly stabbing a pumpkin is more fun.
Son: “What are you going to be for Halloween dad?”
Son: “What’s mom gonna be?”
Top Ways To Confuse Trick or Treaters
Sunday night is going to be a busy night for many people – opening the door and dishing out candy and other treats – and in some cases, hiding every time the doorbell goes. Why not add a bit of spice in to your Halloween this year with some of these clever ways to confuse trick or treaters?
1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand)
2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, “Trick or Treat!” Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, “Top Secret” in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, “It’s about time you got here,” give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, “Come in.” When they do, have everyone yell, “Surprise!!!” Act like it’s a surprise party.
5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what’s wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural “whirring” sound.
6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don’t move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.
8. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run around the house, screaming until they go away.
9. Open the door and pretend to be drunk. Offer the trick or treaters a sampler of liquor (this is especially effective if the trick or treaters are with their parents) – this is a sure fire way to get rid of unwanted visitors!
10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.
11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their own candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.
13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can
14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only things you had left over from Easter.
16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M’s and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don’t have any candy.
18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.
19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin and adore it. This is particularly effective if you live in a Southern Baptist neighborhood.
20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you’re finished.
21. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, “Crawl for it!”