Bubala Please Hanukkah Episode — Making Latkes
Adam Sandler – Hanukkah Song
Things You Don’t Want to Hear Over an Airline P.A. System
1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.
2. Hey folks, we’re going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.
3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it’s all part of our airline’s new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o’clock….one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!
6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)….uhhhhh….we have to go back ….we ..we ….uhhhhhh ….forgot something…..
7. I’m sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we’ll be flying much more efficiently now.
8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car).
9. This is your Captain speaking….these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I’m used to…so you’ll have to give me some leeway…
10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.
11. We’ve now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and … Oh noooooooo!!!!!..
12. Don’t worry! That one is always on E…
13. Get the parachutes ready…
14. Drinks are on me…
15. I’ll have what the Captain’s having…
16. Hey capt’n take another hit man…
Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief
Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish
“Demonstrate your skills!” commanded the Emperor.
The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly.
He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!
“What a feat!” said the Emperor.
“Number Two Samurai, show me what you do.”
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.
“That is skill!” nodded the Emperor.
“How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?”
The Jewish samurai, Obi-wan Rabinowitz, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, “What kind of skill is that? The fly isn’t even dead.”
“Dead,” replied the Jewish Samurai.
“Dead is easy. Circumcision… THAT takes skill!”
Fuck My Life
Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed to get into the shower. My cat looked at me after I’d undressed and then threw up all over the rug. FML
Today, I need to find a way to explain to my 5, 7 and 12 year old kids why their uncle wants to become their aunt. FML
Today, I was the only one in an elevator when an attractive girl came in, talking on her phone. She told her friend, “I have to go, there’s a cute guy on this elevator.” Before I could even react, she turned to me and said, “Sorry for lying, I really wanted to get off the phone with her.” FML
Today, I was putting my 2 year old to bed, and I began to sing to her. She reached up, put her finger over my lips, and said, “Shhh, Mommy.” FML
Today, in the middle of the night, I was punched in the face by my frightened girlfriend, who had just been awoken by her own fart. FML
Today, I went to meet my girlfriends parents for the first time. I accidentally drove past their house the first time, but saw the whole family outside waiting to meet me. I pulled a U-Turn and heard a thud. The whole family watched me run over their dog. FML
Today, I was at the cafeteria of my school with my boyfriend and he dumped me. I was kinda expecting it. What I wasn’t expecting was that he’d start running in front of everyone, screaming “FREEEEEEEEEDOM!” at the top of his lungs and that he’d kiss the first random girl he saw. FML
Today, a girl-scout asked me to buy cookies, in front of the supermarket. She looked nice, so I bought 5 boxes from her. She took the money and went home with her mom. I opened the boxes when I got home and realized that the boxes just had rocks in them. I got scammed by a girl-scout. FML
Today, I had to explain to my son that his dad was too busy in a raid on World of Warcraft to be at his award ceremony. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend what he was being for Halloween. He said “Single”. FML
Today, I was picking my daughter up at day care. She was outside playing kick ball. A red ball rolls over to me, and trying to impress the kids, I kicked it over the slide. I turn around to see three crying six year olds. It was their hamster ball. FML
Today, I found out that my sister who is 16 years older than me is actually my biological mother. She and my parents decided it was best that I didn’t know who my real mother was, and to be raised by my grandparents as their child. I’ve always hated my sister. FML
Beware Greeks Bearing Gifts
SB: Greeks bearing gifts
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY!
The “gift” is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned.
DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children.
If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.
FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!
RE: Greeks bearing gifts
I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is. I’ve seen variants on this warning come through on other list serves, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with something called the “Midas Touch.”
Here are a few tip offs that this is a hoax:
1. This “Forward this message to everyone you know” crap. If it were really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phonecians, Sumerians, and Cretans?
2. Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.
3. It’s signed “from Poseidon.” Granted he’s had his problems with Odysseus but he’s one of their guys, isn’t he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious.
4. Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all.
Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your concern, but once you’ve been around the block a couple times you’ll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.
How To Make Your Therapist Pay For His Bad Advice
1. After everything he says, say, “And how does that make you feel?”
2. Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the chair. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the desk, etc…
3. Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his pants.
4. Point at random things and say, “Where did you get that?”
5. Try to talk him into sitting on the floor.
6. Tell him you think his secretary is really a man.
7. Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor.
8. Bring pots and pans and bang them together when he asks a question you don’t like.
9. Complain that his chair looks more comfortable.
10. Sit underneath your chair.
A balding, white haired man from Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000′ the jeweler said.
The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said ‘There’s no money in that account.’
‘I know,’ said the old man,
‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’
Just A Few
Common sense is like deodorant.
The people who need it the most never use it.
As I have grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible,
But pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
On the internet you can be anything you want.
It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest.
They say money doesn’t buy happiness…
I say neither does being broke.
The first 40 years of childhood are always the hardest.
I hate people that say, “He’s a nice person once you get to know him.”
They might as well just say, “He’s a dickhead but you’ll get used to it.”
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Facebook account, and now I’m over it.
NASA’s robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer, or porn. This makes it very clear that men are not from Mars.
It’s funny how when I’m loud people tell me to be quiet.
But when I’m quiet, people ask me what’s wrong with me.
Letter Of Recommendation
Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee? Here are a few suggested phrases that will allow you to remain politically correct:
For the chronically absent:
“A man like him is hard to find.”
“It seemed her career was just taking off.”
For the office drunk:
“I feel his real talent is wasted here.”
“We generally found him loaded with work to do.”
“Every hour with him was a happy hour.”
For an employee with no ambition:
“He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in.”
“You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you.”
For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
“I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.”
For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
“I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.”
“All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.”
For a stupid employee:
“There is nothing you can teach a man like him.”
“I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.”
For a dishonest employee:
“Her true ability was deceiving.”
“He’s an unbelievable worker.”
What Does Your Daughter Do?
Sadie and Sophie are sitting at the kitchen table, bragging. “My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami,” says Sadie. “She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends.”
Sophie replies, “Yeah, my daughter’s a whore too.”
Murphy’s Laws Of Combat
1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don’t look conspicuous, it draws fire.
4. There is always a way.
5. The easy way is always mined.
6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
7. Professionals are predictable, it’s the amateurs that are dangerous.
8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
a. When you’re ready for them.
b. When you’re not ready for them.
9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
10. If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
12. A “sucking chest wound” is natures way of telling you to slow down.
13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won’t be able to get out.
17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
18. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in a combat zone.
19. When you have secured an area, don’t forget to tell the enemy.
20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.