Friday Fun Stuff – 7-5-24

If Cereal Mascots Got Serious About Stealing Cereal

Working Class Playwright – Monty Python’s Flying Circus

And You Thought Bad Pickup Lines Would Stop When You Stopped Going To Bars

• As long as I have this wheelchair, you’ll always have a lap to seat on.
• As soon as I get my hip replacement, I’m going to hump you.
• Babe I just want to take you home and show you my big… medicine cabinet.
• Baby, you must be dentures because I need to take you out every night.
• Break my hip, not my heart.
• By me a drink and I’ll take out my teeth for a good time.
• Can I share your oxygen tank? Because you took my breath away.
• Come here often? I seriously can’t remember.
• Did it hurt when you fell from heaven and broke your hip?
• Do you believe in love at first sight, cause, if so, I’ll grab my bifocals.
• Do you play bingo? Because I’ve seen you B4.
• Do you want the lights off or the teeth out?
• Do you want to get dinner with me? Must be between 4-4:30.
• Don’t worry I won’t bite… No teeth!
• Either my pacemaker just shot craps or I’m in love.
• Everyday will be like our first day together cause I won’t remember any of this tomorrow.
• Getting lucky usually means finding my car in the parking lot, but tonight you can change that.
• Hey babe, wanna come over to my place and compare prescription drug plans?
• Hey, wanna good time? I bought some great Viagra back from Bali?
• Hey, can I borrow your Hearing Aid? My last girlfriend disappeared without returning mine!
• Hey, I just got my new teeth. Want to join me for dinner so I can test them out?
• How about you try out your new teeth on my meat.
• I can’t remember what sex is. Care to help me remember?
• I got a bottle of wine and a new pack of Depends in my scooter if you’re feelin’ frisky.
• I have a little blue pill, and it has your name all over it.

Best Help Wanted Ad Ever

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS NEEDED:
Please do not apply if you oversleep, have court often, do not have a babysitter every day, have to get rides to work later than workday begins, experience flat tires every week, have to hold on to a cell phone all day, or will become an expert at your job with no need to learn or take advice after the first day. Must be able to talk and work at the same time. Must also remember to come back to work after lunch. Should not expect to receive gold stars for being on time. If you qualify, please leave name and number.

Business Email Glossary

• Thanks in advance: Get this done I press “send”
• Thanks for your interest: Why’d you have to bring this up?
• Would you be so kind: Do it!
• Best: I have never physically met you
• All best: This conversation is over
• All my best: I wish you would die
• Happy to help: This is the easiest thing in my inbox
• I hope this helps: I’ve done all I’m willing to do
• I did a bit of research: I googled it, because you’re too lazy to
• Sorry to chase: Answer my email
• So sorry to chase: Answer my fu(king email!
• I am realty sorry for being a pest but: I am livid that you are ignoring me
• Please contact my colleague: This isn’t my problem
• I’m copying in my colleague: This isn’t my problem, and I am thrilled about it
• I’ll check and get back to you: I might forget to
• I’ll let you know when I hear anything: I forget to
• Can you check back with me in a week?: I’m hoping you will forget to
• Per our earlier conversation: I just yelled at you on the phone
• Great to chat just now: You just yelled at me on the phone
• Thanks!: I’m not mad at you
• Thanks!!: Please don’t be mad at me
• Thanks!!!: I’m crying at my desk
• Please advise: This might be your fault
• Kindly advise: This is entirely your fault
• Mind if I swing by?: I’m already in the elevator
• Can you confirm for me: You told me before and I deleted the email
• Sorry if that was unclear: I think you’re an idiot
• Let me know if you need anything else: Please never contact me again

I Was Afraid That Was What It Was Called

What is it called when you wake up hungover, but you drink a drop?

Your 40′s.

It’s called your 40′s.

I Worry About You

2 inches — I can’t even hold it.
3 inches — Never been so unsatisfied.
4 inches — I’ve had bigger than it.
5 inches — Good, but I wish a bit bigger.
6 inches — Perfect.
7 inches — Love it.
8 inches — Wow! But can’t have it all.
9 inches — Painful but manageable.
10 inches — Too much pressure on stomach.

This survey was actually a customers feedback on different SIZES of Subway Sandwiches!!!!

But I love the way you all think! This is why I worry about you all.

He’s Supposed To Say, “Sell Me This Pen”

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: “I want you to try to sell this to me.”

So, I put it under my arm, left the building and went home.

Eventually he called me and said: “Bring my laptop back now.”

I said, “Sure, $500 and it’s yours.”

Insults And Comebacks To Respond To People Who Talk Shit

• How long did it take you to come up with that one?
• I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than that.
• I don’t argue with idiots, they will just lower me to their level then beat me with experience.
• I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up my ass.
• It’s pointless to make fun of you because it will take you the rest of the day to figure it out.
• It’s scary to think that people like you are allowed to vote.
• Think before you talk. Do you even listen to the things that come out of your mouth?
• Were you held back a grade? Two?
• Wow, you’re even dumber than you look.

What’s His Name Again?

A burglar broke into a home. He heard a soft voice say, “Jesus is watching you”. Thinking it was justhis imagination, he continued his search. Again “Jesus is watching you”. He turned his flashlight around, saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking. The parrot said yes. He asked the parrot his name. The parrot said, “Moses.” The burglar asked, “What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?” The parrot, “The same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus”

Teachers Spill Amazing Real-Life Funny Stories

Kids really do say the funniest things…

Every parent knows that moment: when your kid says something so outrageous, so absurb, so naughty that you have to turn around so they don’t see you laughing.

Now, imagine if you were a teacher? Trying to control your laughter every year as kids said and did the silliest, most outrageous things? On an anonymous Reddit thread, teachers have been sharing stories. We’ve collected our favorites just for you. We dare you not to laugh.

The Mouths of Babes
Last year, [on] my classroom carpet that had the alphabet border around the edges. One of my students, Demetrius, liked to sit on the letter D because it was the first letter of his name. One day, Zaria sits on the letter D. Demetrius gets in her face and yells, ‘Zaria! Get off my D!’ I lost it.

High School Classic
When reading “Hamlet” with the class, after Ophelia’s line about Hamlet, “To speak of horrors — he comes before me,” a kid said, “Hamlet, get it together, man.” I cracked up. The other kids didn’t get it luckily.

The Force is Strong
A student walking down the hallway had his Darth Vader mask confiscated by the principal. The kid replied the right way. He dropped to his knees and did the most perfect Vader ‘NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!’ The principal looked at me as the hall burst into laughter.

I’m a Big Boy Now
I work in preschool. Kids come out of the bathroom with their pants down all the time, if they can’t do the zipper or whatever, but one time a particular boy came running as fast as his pants-around-the-ankles self could possibly run, and screamed “LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!” And proceeded to pee on the floor. We think he had just then figured out how to pee standing up…

A Good Excuse
(student waiting late after rehearsal) Kid calls home: “Hey can you tell mom to pick me up? Oh, she’s in the shower….what about dad? He’s in the shower too….?” Turns to teacher: “It’s going to be awhile Mr. M”

You Kids Don’t Know How Easy You Have It!

I wonder what my kids are going to tell their kids…

“It was so rough back in my day, I didn’t get a phone ’til 4th grade and sometimes the Wi-Fi didn’t always work upstairs.”

Just Stay Home