Sorry I missed last week and was late today but my computer crashed and I had to wait to get it fixed.
Pink Panther
ABDUCTION
Gentle Thoughts For Today
Birds of a feather flock together…and then shit on your car.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs’.
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Bad Divorce
Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse.
Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. “I’m sorry Mickey, but I can’t legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane…”
Mickey replied, “I didn’t say she was mentally insane, I said that she’s fu(king goofy!”
The Top Retractions Printed By The NY Times
12 “Correction: The cookie recipe in question costs $350, not $250 as previously reported.”
11 “Earlier this year, the Times mistakenly reported that software magnate Bill Gates is a money-hungry, maladapted, socially awkward loser. He is, in fact, a bloodsucking cob-nobbler. The Times regrets the error.”
10 “We wish to apologize for calling the former Australian Prime minister, Paul Keating, the lowest slime-ball in the country. We meant in THEIR country.”
9 “Due to a typographical error yesterday, we mistakenly printed the entire Wall Street Journal under our banner. It should have been the Washington Post. Sorry.”
8 “Okay, so it was a blue dress, not a red skirt. Get off our backs already!”
7 “In Thursday’s edition of the Times, we erroneously reported the stories of five people who experienced bad luck as a result of not forwarding an e-mail message…”
6 “This mistake will never happen again. We apologize to the Top 5 subscribers, contributors and the list moderator, Chris Whitewater.”
5 “Recently, pop singer George Michael was caught masturbating in a public restroom yesterday. He was not, as reported in this newspaper, actually choking a chicken.”
4 “It has come to the attention of the Times that disk jockey Fred LeFebvre of KISS-FM in Toledo was not actually the recipient of a MacArthur ‘Genius Grant.’”
3 “Evidently, there are no Klingons on Uranus after all. Sorry for the confusion.”
2 “Our article describing O.J. Simpson as ‘slashing out’ over the prospect of losing his children contained a regrettable typo…”
1 “As it turns out, the Banana Republic dictatorship is actually just a clothing store.”
Dear Special Interest,
Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government Official (TM). With regular maintenance your Government Official (TM) should provide you with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation and other fine services. Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this customer service card. This information will not be sold to any other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling your future needs in political influence.
1. Which of our fine products did you buy?
* __ President
* __ Vice-President
* __ Senator
* __ Congressman
* __ Governor
* __ Cabinet Secretary – Commerce
* __ Cabinet Secretary – Other
* __ Other Elected Official (please specify) _________________
* __ Other Appointed Official (please specify) _________________
2. How did you hear about your Government Official (TM)?
(Please check all that apply)
* __ TV ad
* __ Magazine/newspaper ad
* __ Shared jail cell with
* __ Former partner of
* __ Unindicted co-conspirator with
* __ Procured for
* __ Related to
* __ Recommended by lobbyist
* __ Recommended by organized crime figure
* __ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories (on Internet)
* __ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories (elsewhere)
* __ Spoke at fundraiser at my church
* __ Solicited bribe from me
* __ Attempted to seduce me
3. How do you expect to use your Government Official (TM)?
(Please check all that apply)
* __ Obtain lucrative government contracts
* __ Have my prejudices turned into law
* __ Obtain diplomatic concessions
* __ Obtain trade concessions
* __ Have embargo lifted from own nation/ally
* __ Have embargo imposed on enemy/rival nation/religious infidels
* __ Obtain patronage job for self/spouse/mistress
* __ Forestall military action against self/allies
* __ Instigate military action against internal enemies/aggressors/targets for future conquest
* __ Impede criminal/civil investigation of self/associates/spouse
* __ Obtain pardon for self/associates/spouse
* __ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies/rivals/hated ethnic groups
* __ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors/environmental exploiters/capitalist pigs
4. What factors influenced your purchase?
(Please check all that apply)
* __ Performance of currently owned model
* __ Reputation
* __ Price
* __ Appearance
* __ Party affiliation
* __ Professed beliefs of Government Official (TM)
* __ Actual beliefs of Government Official (TM)
* __ Orders from boss/superior officer/foreign government
* __ Blackmail
* __ Celebrity endorsement
5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned Government Official (TM)? ______
If you answered “yes,” please indicate your reason(s) for changing models.
* __ Excessive operating/maintenance costs.
* __ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model.
* __ Defect in current model
* __ Dead
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* __ Convicted
* __ Resigned in disgrace
* __ Switched parties/beliefs
* __ Outbribed by competing interest
Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember: in choosing a Government Official (TM) you have chosen the best politician money can buy.
Top Ten Signs your Local TV Weatherman Is Nuts
10. Every night, his forecast is: “It’s raining men, hallelujah!”
9. Often asks anchorwoman to switch clothes with him.
8. Uses expensive radar equipment to track Michelle Pfeiffer.
7. “Satellite photos” look suspiciously like Polaroids of a desk globe.
6. Appears to have the first spring robin in his mouth.
5. Seen checking into a Motel 6 with a half-inflated weather balloon.
4. Every night he says, “Lordy mama, it’s gonna rain root beer tomorrow!”
3. The symbol on his weather map for an arctic cold front is a snowman giving the finger.
2. Does the weather naked.
1. He’s got a tropical storm in his pants.
Stress Diet
BREAKFAST:
1/2 Grapefruit
I slice Whole Wheat Toast
8 oz. Milk
LUNCH:
4 oz. Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
1 cup Steamed Zucchini
1 Oreo Cookie
Herb Tea
MIP-AFTERNOON SNACK:
Rest of the package of Oreos
1 quart Rocky Road Ice Cream
I jar Hot Fudge
DINNER:
2 loaves Garlic Bread
Large Pepperoni and Mushroom Pizza
Large Pitcher of Pepsi
2 Milky Way Candy Bars
Entire Frozen Cheesecake eaten directly from the freezer
What The World Is Like In TV Land
1. If a woman is running away from someone she will trip and fall.
2. Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.
3. Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
4. The suburbs are exciting.
5. Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
6. Good guys are always outnumbered.
7. Good guys always win and get the girl.
8. Good guys are always good looking.
9. Ugly people are always bad guys.
10. Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.
11. There are no ugly women, only ugly men.
12. Court cases are all solved with a surprise witness.
13. Good guys are the only ones who have a sense of humor.
14. Cars will explode in all accidents.
15. Everyone has a dark secret.
16. Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.
17. Haunted houses are never locked.
18. The police are smart.
19. Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.
20. All Asian people know Karate.
21. Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.
22. Rich people are unhappy and evil.
23. Teenagers are smarter than their parents.
24. Indians make good cannon fodder.
25. Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.
26. Computers never crash.
a) Teenagers can access any computer by using their PC’s.
b) Computers know everything.
c) The same 2 keys are used to do everything
d) The user is typing constantly just to display screens of info
27. When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the corner of their mouth.
28. No one farts, except after eating beans.
29. Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 or 40 bad guys.
30. Bad guys make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but never stick around to see if it works.
31. Christmas Eve and Halloween night last for three or four days.
32. Movies based on true stories are made up.
33. Police never wait for back-up.
34. Undercover cops are too good to be spotted.
35. Private detective work is glamorous.
36. All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the ninth and two outs.
37. All police killings are in self-defense.
38. Everyone wins in Las Vegas.
39. Good guys don’t do drugs.
40. The world is teeming with voluptuous, young women who are desperate to have sex with pennyless young guys.
41. Nobody ever has trouble finding good parking spots when they are in a hurry.
42. High School students look thirty years old.
43. Women never do housework, but their homes are always clean.
44. Street vendors’ carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed car chases.
45. Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool.
46. To kill a vampire, you must set out 5 min before sunset.
47. Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie, that everyone that went into that dark cellar never came out.
48. The group always splits up to look for the alien.
49. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will explain the entire plot.
50. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will be stretched out for 20 minutes with commercials.
51. The crazed killer always steps out from behind the door without the victim seeing or hearing him until he is about to drive a huge carving knife or pitchfork into them.
52. Whenever someone hears a noise in the dark they always have to check it out.
53. The crazed killer always walks and still catches the person he wants to kill.
54. All people chasing someone can catch up to a constant distance behind them quickly, but can’t use that speed to actually catch the person they’re chasing.
55. No-one ever locks a car when they get out of it (even in New York).
The Avon Lady
An Avon lady was along in an elevator when she suddenly had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer.
Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator. He began to sniff.
The Avon lady asked, “Do you smell something?”
“Why, yes, I do,” he replied.
“What does it smell like?”
“Hmmm, I’m not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit in a pine tree.”
World’s Shortest Books
24. THE ENGINEER’S GUIDE TO FASHION
23. TO ALL THE MEN I’VE LOVED BEFORE – by Ellen DeGeneres
22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY – by Dennis Rodman
19. THE WILD YEARS – by Al Gore
18. AMELIA EARHART’S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
17. AMERICA’S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
15. DETROIT – A TRAVEL GUIDE
14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
13. DR. KEVORKIAN’S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
12. EASY UNIX
11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE AND AGRICULTURE
10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
7. GEORGE FOREMAN’S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER – by Art Garfunkel
5. MIKE TYSON’S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES – by the EPA
3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
And the Number one World’s Shortest book……
1. HOW TO OVERCOME TEMPTATION – by Bill Clinton
Well What Did He Expect?
A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him.
So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other’s behavior.
When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress.
“She slept with nearly every man on the ship,” his wife reported.
The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.
“She was a real lady,” his mistress said.
“How so?” the encouraged man asked.
“She came on board with her husband and never left his side.”
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