George Carlin – Stand Up Routine 1965
Robin Williams Laughs and Cooks Alongside Martha Stewart
Condom Slogans
Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and kept the same slogans
Nike Condoms – Just do it.
Peugeot Condoms – The ride of your life.
KFC Condoms – Finger licking good.
Safeway Condoms – Lightening the load.
Coca Cola Condoms – The real thing.
Ever Ready Condoms – keep going and going.
Macintosh Condoms – It does more, it costs less, it’s that simple
Pringles Condoms – once you pop, you can’t stop
Burger king Condoms – Home of the whopper
Goodyear Condoms – “for a longer ride go wide”
Ames Real Estate Condoms – we go the extra mile.
On digital Condoms – plug and play!!!!
U.S. mail Condoms – I saw this and thought of you.
Renault Condoms – size really does matter!
Heinekin Condoms – reaches parts that other Condoms just cannot reach
Polo Condoms – the condom with the hole!!! (VERY poor seller!!!)
Detention Hell, Put Him In The Honers Class
Me: Mum I got a detention today
Mum: Why!
Me: Well the teacher pointed the ruler at me and said “at the end of this ruler is a idiot”.
Mum: Yeah so
Me: I asked what end.
Painfully Funny Obituaries
You’d die of embarrassment if these phrases appeared in your obituary:
“She leaves behind a brother and 117 cats.”
“Passed away in a failed stunt that has already been viewed more than 40 million times on YouTube.”
“Was always quick to point out others’ grammatical errors.”
“Survived by his parents and his animatronic wife, Elizabot.”
“Frederic Clark excelled at mediocrity and enjoyed a lifelong love affair with bacon, butter, cigars, and bourbon.”
“He never peed in the shower … on purpose”
“Many of his childhood friends who weren’t killed or maimed in various wars became petty criminals, prostitutes, and/or Republicans”
Fine, I’ll Sleep In The Barn
A Hindu, a Moslem and a Politician are on their way to a conference when their car breaks down.
They knock at a local farm and the Farmer tells them they can stay the night, but one of them has to sleep in the Barn.
They draw lots and the Hindu goes off to the barn. Ten minutes later he’s back, there’s a cow in the barn so he can’t sleep there.
They draw lots, the Moslem goes off to the barn. Ten minutes later he’s back, there’s a pig in the barn and he can’t sleep there.
The Politician, in a huff, says he’ll sleep in the barn and goes off.
Ten minutes later, there’s a knock on the door. It’s the cow and the pig.
Questions About Australia From Potential Visitors
They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor…
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don’t stink.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: When do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. Come naked.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.
HOW MUCH???!!!
An old woman walked into an antique store and looked at a diamond necklace in a glass cabinet. Suddenly, she let out a fart. She coughed, trying to disguise it, because a shop assistant was walking by. She then called the assistant over and asked how much the necklace was.
The assistant replied, “If you just farted looking at it you’ll shit yourself when I tell you the price!”
The ABC’s of Men
A is for the automobile which he doesn’t own.
B is also for brain, which was located between his legs.
C is for the commitment that was never there.
D is for the dildo he didn’t know I had.
E is for ego. His was bigger than a hot air balloon.
F is for his faithfulness, as long as there wasn’t something or someone better to do.
G is also for the spot he could never find!
H is for laughter (HA! HA!) the last sound he heard from me as I was walking out the door.
I is for impotent which is what I told everyone he was.
J is for jugular, the one I’d love to sever.
K is for kinky, he always started without me.
L is for love in most cases, but exceptions have been made, L is for LOSER in this case, along with LUSH and LITTLE DICK.
M is for MAN. Has anyone been able to find one? Have you ever met one? Do you know where any are?
N is for the narcotics. He drove me past alcohol.
O is for the orgasms he thought he made me have.
P is for PAYBACKS. Remember they are HELL!
Q is for queer. I sometimes wonder if he is.
R is for the hopeless romantic he said he was. He was half right. He was hopeless, not to mention worthless.
S is also for satisfied, which he rarely made me feel.
T is for typical. Typical little boy playing at being a man.
U is also for the ugly girl he is dating now.
V is for the voodoo doll I made of him.
W is for wife, the one he said he didn’t have.
X is what he is to me now!
Y is for WHY the hell did I ever get involved with him.
Z isn’t for anything, just like him, he ain’t anything either.
Managers Have No Imagination
Two software engineers and their manager are walking down the beach during a break at some technical conference. One of them finds an unusual bottle that has washed up on shore. He picks up the bottle and starts wiping the sand off of it, and *poof*, out comes a genie. The genie says, “Thank you from freeing me from the lamp. I will grant you three wishes. Since there are three of you, I will give you one wish each.
The first engineer closes his eyes for a moment, then says in a dreamy voice, “I wish I was sailing my 60-foot yacht in the beautiful Pacific Ocean, with a following breeze and an all babe crew. *Poof* the first engineer disappears.
The second engineer scratches his chin and says, “I wish I was on a luscious tropical island with 20 native girls to take care of me. And *poof* he disappears.
The manager turns to the genie and grumbles, “I want those two assholes back at their desks working by noon.” *Poof*.
Top Ten Signs your Local TV Weatherman Is Nuts
10. Every night, his forecast is: “It’s raining men, hallelujah!”
9. Often asks anchorwoman to switch clothes with him.
8. Uses expensive radar equipment to track Michelle Pfeiffer.
7. “Satellite photos” look suspiciously like Polaroids of a desk globe.
6. Appears to have the first spring robin in his mouth.
5. Seen checking into a Motel 6 with a half-inflated weather balloon.
4. Every night he says, “Lordy mama, it’s gonna rain root beer tomorrow!”
3. The symbol on his weather map for an arctic cold front is a snowman giving the finger.
2. Does the weather naked.
1. He’s got a tropical storm in his pants.
Where Are Your Keys?
They weren’t in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car’s ignition. He’s afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then, I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: “I left my keys in the car, and it’s been stolen.”
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. “Are you kidding me?” he barked, “I dropped you off!”
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”
He retorted, “I will; just as soon as I convince this cop that I didn’t steal your car!”
Welcome to the GOLDEN YEARS
| Exhibit A |
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| Some Days Your The Rabbit, Some Days Your The Bear |
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| Except That He Has The Signs Backwards |
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| I Always Knew My Coach Was Lying |
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| Will This Allow Me To Take My Medication At Work? |
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| Proof There Is Such A Thing As Too Fancy |
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| I’m Going To Say The Message |
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| Warning – If You Encounter A Genie, Be Careful What You Wish For! |
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| This Became Really Popular After Marijuana Was Legalized |
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| Ok Now It All Makes Sense |
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