Randy Gets Pulled Over
10 Things You Should Never Say To A Woman In An Argument
1. Don’t you have some laundry to do or something?
2. Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.
3. You’re just upset because your butt is beginning to spread.
4. Wait a minute – I get it. What time of the month is it?
5. Shouldn’t you consult the great Oprah on this one?
6. Sorry. I was just picturing you naked. Wait are you sure your not supposed to use this one?
7. Whoa, time out. Football is on.
8. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning!
9. Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?
10. Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain’t loaded
6 Year old kid looking at Mom’s driver’s license
Mom: What’s so funny?
Kid I can’t believe you’re so bad in sex that you failed in it.
Husband died laughing.
Bizarre Laws From Around The World
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Yeah a mirror …)
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick?)
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Decapitation of which head is unknown …)
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time… Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let’s just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband’s lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only “in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.” (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam though!)
I was headed for a blind date last night, but I was worried. What to do if she was really unattractive.
My friend told me not to worry as there is an app for just that situation. It’s called ‘Mum Are You Okay’. It schedules your phone to ring just after you meet your date. If you like her, you just ignore your phone. If you want to cut short the date, you answer with; Mum? What’s the matter? Are you okay?
It works every time, so no worries!
So anyway, I knocked on the girl’s door and it turns out I needn’t have worried at all. She was absolutely gorgeous with stunning looks.
But just when I was about to speak to her, her phone rang. She answered it and said, Mum? What’s the matter? Are you okay?
How To Get Your Roommate To Move Out
For entertainment purposes,….mostly.
Steal a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
Move your roommate’s personal effects around. Start subtly. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
Chain yourself to your roommate’s bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
Ask your roommate if your family can move in “just for a couple of weeks.”
Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
Leave a declaration of war on your roommate’s desk. Include a list of grievances.
Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
Shave one eyebrow.
Listen to radio static.
Send secret admirer notes on your roommate’s e-mail.
Paste used Kleenexes to his/her walls.
Whenever your roommate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself.
If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can’t remember who it was.
Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can’t answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don’t trust your ceiling.
Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where s/he can find them.
Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, “You shouldn’t have done that to me.”
Wear no clothes in the room except a cowboy hat.
Lay in the middle of the room and chant to pagan gods.
Plant grass in the carpet and scream at your roommate every time s/he takes a step in the room. Put up a ‘please don’t walk on the grass’ sign.
Give your roommate’s clothes to the Salvation Army.
Read lots of science fiction and begin to act as though you think your roommate is an alien in disguise. Jump on him/her and try to rip off the humanoid mask the alien is wearing.
Mount a wall-sized mirror on your wall and then ask your roommate not to look at it because demonic forces from the other side will escape into this world if s/he does.
Daughter To Father:
“Dad there is something my boyfriend said to me, that I didn’t understand. He said that I ‘have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper.”
“Tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking from his exhaust pipe.”
Blamestorming – Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Chainsaw Consultant – An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Percussive Maintenance – The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Uninstalled – Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: “You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance.” See also Decruitment.
SITCOMs – What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Starter Marriage – A short-lived first marriage that ends in a divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
Tourists – People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. “We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.”
Alpha Geek – The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. “Ask Larry, he’s the alpha geek around here.”
Dancing Baloney – Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. “This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help.”
Flight Risk – Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
Generica – Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. “We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in.”
PEBCAK – Tech support shorthand for “Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard.” (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They’ve submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation on the above is ID10T: “This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system.”)
I’m Sure I Seriously Wanted To Know
Dad: Why did the Grammar teacher slap you yesterday?
Son: Just wanted to clear my doubt… asked her a valid question…for which she had no answer… so she took out her frustration by being furious violently.
Dad: what was the question?
Son: I asked her why bra is singular when it covers two things & panties plural when it covers only one?
• Laugh and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
• Astronauts are out to launch.
• There is no such thing as a “Fail Safe” design.
• No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
• Winning isn’t everything, but then losing is nothing.
• All I ask for is an opportunity to prove that money doesn’t buy happiness.
• Poverty is the root of all evil.
• If I want your opinion, I’ll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
• To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa.
• Archaeologists take sedimental journeys.
• Remember, the paper is always strongest at the perforations.
• A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• Smile! It makes people wonder what you’ve been up to.
• Never put off ’til tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
• A friend in need is a pest indeed.
• Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
• Two is company, three is an orgy.
• Do unto others before they undo you.
• Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first!
• The best things in life are for a fee.
• He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
• Topologists are just plane folks.
• Pilots are just plane folks.
• You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
• Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
• People who live in stone houses shouldn’t throw glasses.
Nice Little Old Lady
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Priest asked. “How many of you have forgiven your enemies.”
80% held up their hands.
The minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
Mrs. Neeley? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“l don’t have any” she replied, smiling sweetly.
‘Mrs. Neeley, that is very unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety-eight” she replied.
“Oh Mrs. Neeley, would you please come down front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world’
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, “l outlived the bitches”