Unbreaking America By Jennifer Lawrence
This isn’t funny but you will still be glad you saw it.
A NEW Short Film about Solving the Corruption Crisis
You Might Be An EMS If…
1. You find humor in other people’s stupidity.
2. You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm.
3. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
4. Your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat.
5. You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants.
6. You plan your dinner break while lavaging an overdose patient.
7. Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers.
8. You believe chocolate is a food group.
9. You refer to vegetables and are not talking about a food group.
10. You believe a good tape job will fix anything.
11. You have the bladder capacity of five people.
12. You can identify the positive teeth to tattoo ratio.
13. Your idea of a good time is a full arrest at shift change.
14. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
15. You firmly believe that if Dilantin, Haldol, Noranyl, and Narcan were put in the water instead of fluoride Dentists may be busier but EMS would grind to a halt.
16. You disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see.
17. You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance.
18. You automatically assume the patient is a drug seeker when presented with a complaint of: (choose one )
b. lower back pain
c. chronic myalgia
d. a list of numerous allergies to meds (except Demerol)
e. the statement that the family doctor is from out of town.
19. Your idea of comforting a child includes placing them in a papoose restraint.
20. You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA so you don’t have to deal with them any longer.
21. You believe that “shallow gene pool” should be a recognized diagnosis.
22. You have discovered a new condition that you call “hypo-Xanax-emia”.
23. You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce.
Cartoon Laws Of Physics
Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge’s surcease.
Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the specialty of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyses this reaction.
Cartoon Law IV
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
Cartoon Law V
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth’s surface. A spooky noise or an adversary’s signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
Cartoon Law VI
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character’s head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A `wacky’ character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
Cartoon Law VII
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.
This trompe l’oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall’s surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
Cartoon Law VIII
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they re-inflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
Cartoon Law IX
Everything falls faster than an anvil.
A FIRST GRADE TEACHER collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.
As you shall make your bed so shall you……….mess it up.
Better be safe than………………….punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the …………………………bug is close.
It’s always darkest before…………daylight savings time.
You can lead a horse to water but…………………..how?
Don’t bite the hand that……………………looks dirty.
A miss is as good as a……………………………..Mr.
You can’t teach an old dog new…………………….math.
If you lie down with the dogs, you’ll…….stink in the morning.
The pen is mightier than the………………………pigs.
An idle mind is…………………..the best way to relax.
Where there’s smoke, there’s………………….pollution.
Happy the bride who………………..gets all the presents.
A penny saved is……………………………..not much.
Two’s company, three’s…………………..the musketeers.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and…….you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not………spanked or grounded.
When the blind leadeth the blind………get out of the way.
Worst Interview Questions
Here are ten worst job interview questions, along with the characteristics that got them on the list, and some possible rejoinders. Please note that being asked any of these questions should make you seriously consider whether you want to entrust your livelihood and sanity to this organization.
What interests you about our company?
“Um, I heard you were hiring?”
Have you ever brought a lawsuit against an employer?
You can’t ask about this or age, race, health/marital/personal/family issues, and arrests, among other things. You have a choice of responses to this one. You can use the old, boring “I don’t think that’s an appropriate question” line, or you can allow the interviewer to save face with something like “No, but I’m always open to new experiences”.
Why did you take the pen from me?
In this one, the interviewer picks up a pen and holds it out halfway between herself and the applicant, and then silently waits for a response. Eventually the person will ask “what are you doing”, or, more often, take the pen. I would recommend: “When I saw you holding out the pen, I knew what you were doing. Taking it was the fastest way to get the heck out of here. Good day!” If you want to stick around, you can always grab the pen with your thumb and forefinger just above the interviewer’s (ala the old sandlot baseball method for deciding who gets to bat first) and wait for her next move.
Can you work under pressure?
Who is going to say no? You could answer “I’ve been tested to 12 ft-lbs per square inch”, or if you can completely change the tenor of the conversation with “If I don’t get this job I’ll lose my house, my wife, and the eight third-world children I’ve been supporting will be doomed to starvation. How’m I doing so far?”
If you were a character on the TV show ‘Lost’, which one would you be?
Applicant: “Jack” Interviewer: (Raises eyebrow) “Jack?” Applicant: (Pauses and gazes upward as if in deep thought, and then looks interviewer directly in the eye) “Definitely. Jack. But what does that have to do with being an Accounts Payable Clerk 1?” This is a variant of the old “If you were an animal, which one would you be?” question. If asked that question, you might want to go with Sasquatch, noting that “I read that they are telepathic, and that would make this interview go a lot easier!”
How do you define sexual harassment?
“You nailed it! Nice one.” Or if you’re ready to leave “Come closer and I’ll show you.”
What is the airspeed of an unladen swallow?
Upon further consideration, this could be a valid “team fit” question in certain technical disciplines.
Do you ever abuse alcohol or drugs?
“I didn’t realize I had to choose”, or the more tactful “You do realize that the people who test body fluid samples are part of the Teamster’s union? They don’t like people cutting in on their territory.”
What is your biggest weakness?
This question got serious consideration for the top spot, but it’s only the second most likely question to pop up in an interview. All the interviewing tactics books tell you to develop a response that actually demonstrates a strength. Don’t dignify an awful question with a thoughtful response. First, startle the interviewer by saying “I have two”, and then continue with “one, I have an aversion to kryptonite but it doesn’t normally affect my work, and two, you really don’t want me to work overtime during a full moon. Seriously.” You’ll be doing the parting handshake in no time.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Possibly a trifecta if family issues will effect your career planning! Undoubtedly you have either already heard it or you will in an upcoming interview. Depending upon how fast you want to get out of there you can go with: “In mirrors and on YouTube. Unless I’m undead; then only on YouTube.” Or the ever-popular: “Asking you this question as you ‘re-interview for your position’“ (don’t forget the menacing air quotes). Rubbing your hands together and cackling works nicely, too.
Fun PG Rated Things To Do In A Dorm Shower
1. Before you turn the shower on, make a noise like you are charging up a proton pack from Ghostbusters. Before you turn it off, ask Egon to set the trap up for you.
2. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground as if shot.
3. Bring dead fish into the shower with you. Let them float down the drainage “ditch”, complaining angrily about the quality of water these days.
4. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls. Have everyone entering the stalls join you in a rendition of “Old McDonald Had A Farm,” making the sound of the animal in their stall.
5. Turn the stall into a shrine for a pagan god. Call him Weeshy. Insist that anyone who uses that stall must tithe to receive his benevolence and glory. If they don’t tithe, avoid them for the rest of your life.
6. Take your shower like normal, and then begin screaming that the Communists are taking over. Make battle sounds — including bombs, bazookas, and tanks. Towards the end, wearily declare victory. Leave wounded.
7. Blow bubbles. Exclaim that you are dissolving.
8. Bring in a bucket, fill it with water, and float a bar of soap in it. Charge a fee for people to see the Wicked Witch of the West bathing nude. Threaten anyone who laughs at you with flying monkeys.
9. Start singing Pavarotti really loud. In the middle, stop, stutter for a second, and then exclaim “Ohmigosh…do you know what these words REALLY mean?”
10. Suck on the faucet head until you fill up with water. Complain that the Seven Chinese Brothers get no respect, OR pretend to be a fountain.
11. Wet your head, and then sneak into a toilet stall. Flush the bowl and wait a minute. Walk out of the stall lurching, complaining about how dizzy you are.
12. Buy a bunch of those tiny animal-pills that expand into full, spongy shapes when they get wet. Bring them into the shower and spill them into the ditch. Ask somebody for your pills back, and when they hand you little animals, scream, slap them, and run away.
13. Make your best Psycho noise (reeEENT reeEENT…).
14. Try to get everyone in the other stalls to sing in four-part harmony with you. If this actually works, change your voice part every three measures.
15. Become a shower-pirate. Loot other stalls of soap, Oxy pads, and Q-Tips. Bury them under the tile floor. Fire cannons at people using toilet balls.
16. Bring scuba gear into the shower with you. Talk to Cousteau. Upon leaving, tell everyone that the Titanic was actually torpedoed by the Germans. Be cocky.
17. Hum for a couple of moments, stop, make an “Mmmm!” sound, and then announce to everyone that the mildew on the shower walls kind of tastes like head cheese.
Unlucky (or just stupid) Criminals
Four teenagers were arrested in the parking lot of a large mall in Lakeland, Fla., just before Christmas when, attempting to steal an automobile at random, they tried to break into a police van containing three officers on a stakeout.
Darnell Madison, 37, was shot and killed in July in Homewood, Ala., when he burst into a motel room intending to rob the seven men whom he had seen with a wad of money. He was unaware they were armed police officers working on another case.
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.
For Sale — Eight puppies from a German Sheppard and an Alaskan Hussy…That slut! I don’t know what he saw in her!
Great Dames for sale….I’m tired of all these old women, just get rid of them already!
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition…Grandma just likes working out every day
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it….Does that include a sponge bath?
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children…How many children does he eat a day?
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated…Good, I’ve been looking for someone to kill my home while I’m away from the scene of the crime.
If you think you’ve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin…If their immortal why are they hanging out in a cemetery?
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in…Do I really have to drink the whole pool?
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities…Good because we do a lot of athletics in bed.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family…We don’t want our family to reproduce.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms…Good, I hate fat waitresses
Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00…Does the $2 dollar children come with sides or do we have to eat them a la cart?
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers…I guess it would have to be a pretty big desk.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover…Those young lovers just wouldn’t appreciate it.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too…Do you pierce the extra pair of ears too?
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory…What can I say we’ve got a lot of machine operators who need to be stripped.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night…Those married girls just can’t see well in the dark.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand…I bet they charge extra to tear it by hand though.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast…No one in my family likes toast that isn’t burned.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else…So where are these women that were nothing but stockings?
Stock up and save. Limit: one…Because you don’t need more then one to stock up on them.
How Stupid Are They…
1. Mind like a steel strainer.
2. Monorail doesn’t go all the way to Tomorrow land.
3. Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
4. Moves his lips to pretend he’s reading.
5. Needs both hands to wipe his behind.
6. Never had a head cold in her life since diseases can’t exist in a vacuum.
7. Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world.
8. Nine rooms; no furniture.
9. No filter in the coffeemaker.
10. Not an idiot, but plays one in real life.
11. Not as dumb as he looks, but that would be impossible.
12. Not done evolving yet.
13. Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to be effective.
14. Not much to show for four billion years of evolution.
15. Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
16. Not the same since they took him off his medication.
17. Nothing between the stethoscopes.
18. Nutty as a fruitcake.
19. Oil doesn’t reach his dipstick.
20. On permanent leave of absence from his senses.
Public service announcements from around the world.
USA: “It’s ten o’clock. Do you know where your children are?”
Italy: “It’s ten o’clock. Do you know where your husband is?”
France: “It’s ten o’clock. Do you know where your wife is?”
Poland: “It’s ten o’clock. Do you know what time it is?”
Tribute To Bob Hope
For those of you too young to remember Bob Hope, ask your Grandparents.
ON TURNING 70
‘You still chase women, but only downhill’.
ON TURNING 80
‘That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.’
ON TURNING 90
‘You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.’
ON TURNING 100
‘I don’t feel old. In fact I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.’
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
‘I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.’
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
‘Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it’s called at my home, ‘Passover’.’
‘Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.’
‘I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.’
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
‘When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.’”
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
‘I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.’
ON HIS FAMILY’S EARLY POVERTY
‘Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.’
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
‘That’s how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.’
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
‘I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn’t for the stuff the audience threw at me.’
ON GOING TO HEAVEN
‘I’ve done benefits for ALL religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.’