If Parents Were Honest
Even More Telephone Mailbox Message Ideas
(Spoken in a granny voice)
“Way back inna winner of fiftytwo, we didn’ have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin’ machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don’ like ‘em, but I shay it’ll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.”
“Introducing the allnew GINSU answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don’t answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we’ll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!”
“Hi. This is (Insert your name here). I’ve shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I’m going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up I’ll play my messages. Please leave one.”
(woman taped off a “phone sex” service)
WOMAN: (seductively) “Hi. I’m Linda. You know, it can be really lonely when you’re a fashion model. Sometimes I just have to…”
YOU : (interrupting) “Oh c’mon, Linda, give me the damn phone…”(then ask for a message)
Ring…click…(sound of loud music in background)..
“Hello? Just a second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to click off music, which gets quiet. sound of person running back to phone) OK, sorry about that, hi there, who’s this…well hi!…uh huh…yeah…well listen you’re talking to a machine, so please leave a message and I’ll call you back.”
“Hello, this is (Insert your name here). Unfortunately I can’t answer the phone right now because I’ve just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I’m still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I’ll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.”
“Hello, I’m not here.”
A friend of mine used this one last summer. I always answered it with
“Okay, that’s all I wanted to know.”
“Hi!! You’ve reached Janet and Chris’s room. We’re not in right now. If this is our parents, we’re at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that’s it, that’s the ticket. If this is John (Chris’s boyfriend), Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that’s it. If this is any one else, we’re at a party and you’re not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the…pope. Yeah that’s it.”
Drinkers Fault Finding Guide
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, shirt front wet
Probable Cause: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face
Solution: Take a six-pack and practice in front of mirror until drinking technique is perfect
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, beer unusually pale
Probable Cause: Glass empty
Solution: Find someone who’ll buy you another beer
Symptom: Feet cold and wet
Probable Cause: Glass being held a incorrect angle
Solution: Hold glass such that open end points toward ceiling
Symptom: Feet warm and wet
Probable Cause: Loss of self control
Solution: Move to nearest dog. After a few minutes, complain loudly about its lack of training; demand beer in compensation
Symptom: Bar hazy and out of focus
Probable Cause: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass
Solution: Find someone who’ll buy you another beer
Symptom: Bar swaying
Probable Cause: Unusually high air turbulence, perhaps due to darts match
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of shirt
Symptom: Bar moving
Probable Cause: You are being carried out
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being hijacked
Symptom: You notice that the wall opposite you is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it
Probable Cause: You have fallen over backwards
Solution: If no one is standing on your drinking arm and your beer is full, stay put. Otherwise, have someone help you up and lash yourself to the bar
Symptom: Everything has become dim. Your nose & lips are bleeding
Probable Cause: You have fallen over forwards
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards
Symptom: You wake to find your bed hard, cold, and wet. You can’t seem to find your bedroom walls or ceiling
Probable Cause: You have spent the night in the gutter
Solution: Check to see if the bar is opening. If it isn’t, treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom: Everything has gone dark and quiet
Probable Cause: The bar is closing
How Cold Is Cold Is A Matter Of Degree?
60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
50 Miami residents turn on the heat
40 You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming
35 Italian cars don’t start
32 Water freezes
30 You plan your vacation to Australia
25 Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming
20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 French cars don’t start, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 American cars don’t start
0 Alaskans put on T-shirts
-10 German cars don’t start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, Politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don’t start
-25 Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don’t start
-40 Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweaters, Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80 Hell freezes over, Polar bears move South
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
More Famous Literary Drunks & Addicts
Do you really have to be hi to be creative?
Louisa May Alcott (1832 – 1888): Opium
The author of Little Women began using morphine to ease the after-effects of typhoid fever contracted during service as a nurse during the Civil War.
Jean Cocteau (1889 – 1963): Opium
“To smoke opium is to get out of the train while it is still moving.” The great French poet, novelist, dramatist, playwright, and filmmaker kicked his opium addiction in 1929.
William Faulkner (1897 – 1962): Alcohol
Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806 – 1861): Opium
Charles Bukowski (1920 – 1994): Alcohol
“Drinking is an emotional thing. It joggles you out of everyday life, out of everything being the same. It yanks you out of your body and your mind and throws you against the wall. I have the feeling that drinking is a form of suicide where you’re allowed to return to life and begin all over the next day. It’s like killing yourself, and then you’re reborn. I guess I’ve lived about ten or fifteen thousand lives now.”
Stephen King (1947 – present): Booze, Cocaine, Prescription Meds
In his 2000 memoir, On Writing, King revealed that he’d been so shattered by his alcohol and drug abuse in the 1980s that, even today, he cannot remember working on many of the books he wrote back then. There were times when he’d been doing so much blow that he wrote with cotton wads stuffed in his nostrils, to prevent blood dripping on his typewriter.
Ayn Rand (1905 – 1982): Speed
Truman Capote (1924 – 1984): Booze, Various Drugs
“I’m an alcoholic. I’m a drug addict. I’m a genius.”
Raymond Chandler (1888 – 1959): Booze
The novelist and creator of the iconic private dick, Philip Marlowe. “Alcohol is like love. The first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, the third is routine. After that you take the girl’s clothes off.”
F. Scott Fitzgerald (1896 – 1940): Alcohol
“First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.”
1. “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”
2. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with you with our compliments.”
3. “As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
4. And from the pilot during his welcome message: “Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”
5. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate
6. “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”
7. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
8. Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways.”
9. A jet ran into some turbulent weather. To keep the passengers calm the flight attendants brought out the beverage carts. “I’d like a soda,” said a passenger in the first row. Moving along, the attendant asked the man behind her if he would like something. “Yes, I would,” he replied. “Give me whatever the pilot is drinking!”
Never Mess With Women
My Darling Wife,
I can’t send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected my Company’s performance, so I am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart, please understand and adjust with this situation.
Your loving husband,
You’re Loving Husband
His wife replied…
Thanks for the 100 kisses.
Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses…
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month’s milk.
2. The electricity man, agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.
3. Your landlord comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the monthly rent.
4. The supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items, I hope you understand.
5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.
Please don’t worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can survive the month using this balance.
Shall I plan the same for the next month?
You’re Loving Wife
The moral of this story……
NEVER MESS WITH WOMEN!
Difference Between Man And Woman Showering
How to Shower Like a Woman
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the ‘woo-woo’ sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your a ss.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the ‘woo-woo’ sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.
Fairy Tales And Their Not-So-Happy Endings
I recently learned that those Disney endings where the prince and the princess end up blissfully married don’t really happen in the original stories. To make sure kids go home happy, not horrified, Disney usually has to alter the endings. Read on for the original endings to a couple of Disney classics.
1. Cinderella – Don’t break out your violins for this gal just yet. All that cruelty poor Cinderella endured at the hands of her overbearing stepmother might have been well deserved. In the oldest versions of the story, the slightly more sinister Cinderella actually kills her first stepmother so her father will marry the housekeeper instead. Guess she wasn’t banking on the housekeeper’s six daughters moving in or that never-ending chore list.
2. Sleeping Beauty – In the original version of the tale, it’s not the kiss of a handsome prince that wakes Sleeping Beauty, but the nudging of her newborn twins. That’s right. While unconscious, the princess is impregnated by a monarch and wakes up to find out she’s a mom twice over. Then, in true Ricki Lake form, Sleeping Beauty’s “baby’s daddy” triumphantly returns and promises to send for her and the kids later, conveniently forgetting to mention that he’s married. When the trio is eventually brought to the palace, his wife tries to kill them all, but is thwarted by the king. In the end, Sleeping Beauty gets to marry the guy who violated her, and they all live happily ever after.
3. Snow White – At the end of the original German version penned by the brothers Grimm, the wicked queen is fatally punished for trying to kill Snow White. It’s the method she is punished by that is so strange – she is made to dance wearing a pair of red-hot iron shoes until she falls over dead.
4. The Little Mermaid – You’re likely familiar with the Disney version of the Little Mermaid story, in which Ariel and her sassy crab friend, Sebastian, overcome the wicked sea witch, and Ariel swims off to marry the man of her dreams. In Hans Christian Andersen’s original tale, however, the title character can only come on land to be with the handsome prince if she drinks a potion that makes it feel like she is walking on knives at all times. She does, and you would expect her selfless act to end with the two of them getting married. Nope. The prince marries a different woman, and the Little Mermaid throws herself into the sea, where her body dissolves into seam foam.
And they lived happily ever after
Hi I’d Like To Oder A Pizza
1. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
2. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
3. Order two toppings, then say, “No, they’ll start fighting.”
4. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
5. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn’t mean it.
6. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he’s fired.
7. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
8. Use expletives like “Great Caesar’s Ghost” and “Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town.”
9. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
10. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, “I shall not be swayed by your sweet words.”
11. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
12. Try to talk while drinking something.
13. Start the conversation with “My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!”
14. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
15. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
16. Be vague in your order.
17. When they repeat your order, say “Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.”
18. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
19. After ordering, say “I wonder what THIS button on the phone does. “Simulate a cutoff.
20. Start the conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be my last entry.”
21. State your order and say that’s as far as this relationship is going to get.
22. Ask if they’re familiar with the term “spanking a pizza.” Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
23. Say “Kssssssssssssssht” rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
24. Detect the order taker’s psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
25. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
Could You Pass This???
What it took to get an 8th grade education in 1895…
Remember when grandparents and great-grandparents stated that they only had an 8th grade education?
Well, check this out. Could any of us have passed the 8th grade in 1895?
This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 in Salina , Kansas , USA . It was taken from the original document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, and reprinted by the Salina Journal.
8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS – 1895
Grammar (Time, one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of capital letters.
2. Name the parts of speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define verse, stanza and paragraph
4. What are the principal parts of a verb? Give principal parts of ‘lie, play,’ and ‘run.’
5. Define case; illustrate each case.
6. What is punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of punctuation.
7 – 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.
Arithmetic (Time 1 hour 15 minutes)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. Deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. Wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3,942 lbs., what is it worth at 50cts/bushel, deducting 1,050 lbs. for tare?
4. District No 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find the cost of 6,720 lbs. Coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $20 per meter?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance of which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt
U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, 1865.
Orthography (Time, one hour)
[Do we even know what this is??]
1. What is meant by the following: alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, syllabication
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals
4. Give four substitutes for caret ‘u.’ (HUH?)
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final ‘e.’ Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: bi, dis-mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.
Geography (Time, one hour)
1 What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S. Name all the republics of Europe and give the capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give the inclination of the earth.
Notice that the exam took FIVE HOURS to complete.
Gives the saying ‘he only had an 8th grade education’ a whole new meaning, doesn’t it?!
Also shows you how poor our education system has become and, NO, I don’t have the answers!