Friday Fun Stuff – 4-26-24

Dr Tongue’s Evil House of Pancakes – SCTV

If Proposals Were In Corporate Jargon

How To Tell You’re An Adult:

• You gain 30lbs overnight
• You’d rather sleep than go out
• Everything hurts
• Comfort comes before style
• You have a favorite spatula
• Everything feels like a chore
• College students look like 12yr olds
• You’re always annoyed af
• You know you’re an adult when you check work emails at the bar.
• You find genuine joy in a spotless, clean kitchen
• Going to bed early with clean sheets is more appealing than going out on a friday night
• You spend the majority of your days off doing housework
• The thing you get most excited about is extra sleep
• You can kill spiders on your own
• Your mom doesn’t go with you to your doctors or dentist appointments anymore
• You can have milk and cookies for breakfast and have no one to tell you no that’s not healthy
• Ikea has become your Disneyland
• Sleep goes from being your nemesis who you avoid, to your best friend whom you wish would come over more often.
• Your body begins to ache from your vigorous lack of movement.
• Debt goes from being this fairy tale to be repaid in a land far, far, away. To your daily reality show.
• A Christmas sweater with a reindeer on it feels like a good idea. And you’re not being ironic.
• You’ve mastered the interview this is my dream job nod-and-smile for a job you don’t want and can’t believe you’re applying for.
• You start cushioning all vacations with an extra day off for “recovery time.”
• You don’t spend the week organizing your plans for Saturday night. No, organizing is your plans for Saturday night.
• You haven’t sprinted in two years. Something you realize too late as you try to dash across the street to avoid oncoming traffic, only to pull muscles you forgot you had.
• Doing the dishes becomes your relaxing getaway.
• You’d pay $50 for an hour of silence.
• You now understand what your parents meant when they said, “you’ll understand when you’re older.”

Pet Fish

An old country boy with a bucket full of live fish was approached by a game Warden.

The game warden asked the man, “May I see your fishing license please?”

“No, sir. Don’t need one.” These here are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish??” the game warden barked.

“Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o’mine down to the lake and let ‘em swim ’round for a while. Thenwhen I whistle, they swim right back into My net and I take ‘em home.”

“HOGWASH! you’re under arrest.”

He said, “It’s the truth. I’ll show ya! We do this all the time!!”

“We do, now, do we?” smirked the warden. “PROVE it!”

He released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After a few minutes, the warden said, “Well?”

“Well, WHAT?”

The warden asked, “When are you going to call them back?”

“Call who back?”

“The FISH,” replied the warden!

“What fish?”

A Bachelor’s Kitchen Guide

In the Feezer:
ICE CREAM
If you can’t tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it’s time to throw BOTH out.
FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

In the Fridge:
EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway – if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon appetite!
MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.
UNMARKED ITEMS
You know it is well beyond prime when you’re tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.

On the Shelf:
CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of… Very carefully.
POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable “spots” that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.
CEREAL
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date, or when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.
FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it.
PRETZELS
Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can no longer be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there’s nothing to stop you from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put down only 4000 years ago.
RAISINS
Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.
SALT
It never spoils. However, if you can’t chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.
SPICES
Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will.
VINEGAR
If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.
Expiration Dates
This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you’ll spend more on groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to replace. Perhaps you’d benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

How To Calm A Man

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband’s temper.

The Doctor asks: “What’s the problem?

The woman says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me.”

The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep.”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”

The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick….”

Actual Headlines

* Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
* Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
* Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
* Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
* Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
* Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
* Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
* Miners Refuse to Work after Death
* Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
* War Dims Hope for Peace
* If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May last awhile
* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
* Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
* Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
* New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
* Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
* Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Speeding Excuse

A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

“There ain’t no way they can catch a Corvette,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 130 and finally 150 with the light still behind him. “What the hell am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “I’ve had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don’t feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before you can go!”

“Last week my wife ran off with a cop,” the man said, “and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

“Off you go,” said the officer.

Quotes

• As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.~ John Glenn
• When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.~ Desmond Tutu
• America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.~ David Letterman
• After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.~ Italian proverb
• The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.~ Jean Kerr
• I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
• You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.~ Jeff Foxworthy
• When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.~ Prince Philip
• A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.~ Emo Philips.
• Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.~ Harrison Ford
• The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.~ Spike Milligan
• Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.~ Robin Hall
• Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.~ Jean Rostand.
• Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
• We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.~ WH Auden
• In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.~ Jonathan Katz
• If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.~ Johnny Carson
• I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical.~ Arthur C Clarke
• Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.~ Steve Martin
• Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.~ Jimmy Durante
• America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.~ Doug Hamwell
• The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.~ George Roberts
• If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport. ~ Jonathan Winters
• I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchley

Diet

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

10 Rules For Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Hell’s Angels Bikers

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell’s Angels bikers walked in. The first biker approached the old man, threw his cigarette into the old man’s pie, and then took a seat at the counter.

Then, a second biker walked over to the old man, spit into his glass of milk, and then took a seat at the counter.

Finally, a third biker verbally attacked the old man, knocked his plate of food into his lap, and then took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers commented to the waitress, “Not much of a man, is he?”

The waitress replied, “Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”

So, Why Isn’t There A Spell To Cover That?