Family Guy Deleted Scenes
Comeback Tips For Women
HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I’d rather have the money.
HE: I’m a photographer. I’ve been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I’m a plastic surgeon. I’ve been looking for a face like yours.
HE: Hi. Didn’t we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must’ve been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must’ve been given your share.
HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I’m having a headache this weekend.
HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE: Go on, don’t be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.
HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can’t talk and laugh at the same time.
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don’t you already have one?
HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I’ve already seen it.
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven’t I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That’s why I don’t go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
College Football At Its Best
Ohio State’s Urban Meyer on one of his players: “He doesn’t know the meaning of the word “fear.” In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words.”
Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That’s a sophomore course.
How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.
Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, “Look, a dead bird.”
The other looked up in the sky and said, “Where?”
A University of Cincinnati football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident. He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death.
Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.
What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit? ”
“Will the defendant please rise.”
If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?
The police officer.
How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?
There’s tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.
University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the Other half will have to dress themselves.
How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?
They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
Why did the Colorado linebacker steal a police car?
He saw “911″ on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
What are the longest three years of a University of Kentucky football player’s life?
Freshman I, Freshman II, and Freshman III.
Burning Calories At Work
Beating around the bush… 75
Jumping to conclusions… 100
Climbing the walls… 150
Swallowing your pride… 50
Passing the buck… 25
Throwing your weight around… 50-300
Dragging your heels… 100
Pushing your luck… 250
Making mountains out of molehills… 500
Hitting the nail on the head… 50
Wading through paperwork… 300
Bending over backwards… 75
Jumping on the bandwagon… 200
Balancing the books… 25
Running around in circles… 350
Eating crow… 225
Tooting your own horn… 25
Climbing the ladder of success… 750
Pulling out the stops… 75
Adding fuel to the fire… 160
Wrapping it up at the day’s end… 12
To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:
Opening a can of worms… 50
Putting your foot in your mouth… 300
Starting the ball rolling… 90
Going over the edge… 25
Picking up the pieces after… 350
Counting eggs before they hatch… 6
Calling it quits… 2
Dear Redneck Son,
I’m writing this letter slow because I know you can’t read fast.
We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.
I won’t be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn’t have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since.
The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother….
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.
There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a good living.”
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.
Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It’s called, “Debbie Does Dishes.”
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
A man called his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?” Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak.” The son said, “Why are you so weak?” She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.” The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days? “The mother answered, “Because, I didn’t want my mouth to be full in case you should call.”
A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner – Take it or leave it.
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, “What part is it?” The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.” The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”
Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) “Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.”
A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says, “What’s the matter already? Didn’t you like the blue one?”
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady I haven’t eaten in three days.” “Force yourself,” she replied.
Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don’t like anything that isn’t 20% off.
Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us,
What to do when your dinner is interrupted:
- Ask them if they’ve got beer
- Start speaking in tongues
- Tell them that person doesn’t live there anymore. Give them the number of an adult service and tell them that it is her/his new number
- Tell them that you’re not there right now
- Ask them if they accept coupons
- Start selling them something else
- If someone calls soliciting donations, tell them you’re poor and ask for money instead
- Start preaching your religion to them
- Pretend you’re a recording and say “The number you have reached is not in service. Please check the number and dial again, or talk to your operator for assistance. Recording A4.” Extra points for imitating the 3 rising tones at the beginning.
- Try to hypnotize the telemarketer
- Play a recording of a busy signal
- Put on some really annoying music and put the phone up to the stereo.
- Ask the telemarketer if he/she is single. Then try hitting on him/her. Be sure to mention your various medical problems, your fascination with odd smells and your shrine to the Lawrence Welk Show.
- Use one of those voice changers to disguise your voice
- Rap all your replies to the telemarketer’s questions, especially if you’re white.
- Ask the telemarketer if he/she minds if you talk to him/her on the toilet. Then take a plastic Heinz ketchup bottle and squeeze out ketchup repeatedly (if you’re ever used this kind of ketchup you’ll know what kind of sound this makes!!!!!)
The Navajo Man
A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in.
During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.
“If you’re wondering what’s in the bag,” offers the salesman, “it’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.”
The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, “Good trade.”
When Hospital Shifts Are Too Long These Are The Medical Charts
· Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
· The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
· Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
· The patient refused autopsy.
· The patient has no previous history of suicides.
· Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
· She is numb from her toes down.
· Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
· I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
· Skin: somewhat pale but present.
Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational New Words Contest
Here is the Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational which asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dope-ler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.