A Video Conference Call In Real Life
Definitions For People With Children
AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
I become confused when I hear the word “Service ” used with these agencies:
Internal Revenue ‘Service’
US Postal ‘Service’
Cable TV ‘Service’
Federal, State, City, & public ‘Service’
This is NOT what I thought ‘Service’ meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had bought a bull to ‘Service’ his cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.
You are now as enlightened as I am.
Men’s Bathroom Etiquette!
Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These have been known as “restrooms,” “bathrooms,” “outhouses,” “commodes,” “men’s rooms,” and several other names.
As with any exclusive organization, wholly half the human race aren’t allowed through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity.
1. Don’t talk to somebody you don’t know. You may chat quietly with an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.
2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don’t spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. zit popping is only permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.
3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.
4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep looking around. Read graffiti.
5. All graffiti is anonymous. If there’s any chance somebody can trace your graffiti back to you, don’t do it.
6. Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only acceptable if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly acceptable.
7. If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small few, restraint comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other companies or the government may tend to use the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden.
8. Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress. Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely placed. Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon but is gaining popularity.
9. Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.
10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the management of the bathroom.
11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs.
For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations: X……(X = occupied, . = empty) X…..X X..X..X X.X.X.X XXX.X.X
12. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you’re obsessed or don’t know what you’re doing. Looking at other people is threatening.
13. Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange. At this point, flushing is mandatory.
14. Don’t start unzipping until you’re protected by the privacy of the urinal. Don’t step back until you’ve closed your pants again.
15. Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable.
16. Always flush.
17. When you find an un-flushed toilet, leave it alone and use another.
18. Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply for dealing with the females.
a. Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning.
b. Don’t ask what the little wastebasket is for.
c. If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females are around. If you are noticed by a female, try your best to ignore her presence until you’re dressed again.
19. Port-O-Potty and similar constructions are evil. Use them only if absolutely no other option is available.
20. In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren’t available. Get behind sufficient growth so that you are completely invisible to the remainder of your party before you begin. Check carefully that you aren’t near any sort of animal or insect den. Ants are especially bad. If you forgot toilet paper, bring a leaf identifying guide. Poison oak makes a poor substitute.
I Always Wondered How To Make A Woman Happy
Guys: I have cracked the code.
Yesterday morning I woke my wife up, kissed her cheek, and I whispered softly in her ear:
“I’m taking you to get mimosas. Let’s go get drunk at 10:00 in the morning” I swear to god I’ve never seen her so happy.
Rules To Fly-By
1. Every take-off is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, the houses get smaller. Unless you keep pulling this stick, then the houses get bigger again.
3. Flying is not dangerous. Crashing is dangerous.
4. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you are on fire.
5. The propeller is just a big fan to keep the pilot cool. If it stops, see how he sweats.
6. A good landing is one you can walk away from. A great landing is one where you can reuse the plane afterwards.
7. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival, and vice versa.
8. Always keep the number of take-offs equal to the number of landings.
9. There are three simple rules to a smooth landing, and nobody knows any of them.
10. Helicopters cannot fly. They are just so ugly that the Earth repels them.
11. In the ongoing battle of an aluminum tube going hundreds of miles an hour, and Earth going zero miles an hour, the Earth has yet to lose.
12. It’s usually a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward.
13. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea, it is the law. And it is not subject to repeal.
14. There is no such thing as an emergency takeoff
15. Flying is the second greatest feeling in the world. Landing safely is the first.
The Air Force has a rule: – “If the wings are moving faster than the fuselage it is a helicopter and should be considered unsafe”.
Just Three Words
An 84-year-old man is having a drink at a fancy bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can’t take his eyes off her.
After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.
Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: “I’ll do anything you’d like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I’m game. I want $100, and there’s another condition.”‘
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.
“You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.
He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars into her hand.
He then looks her square in the eyes and says slowly and clearly: “Paint my house.”
Our needs change as we get older, and we tend to look for bargains.
Truthful Wedding Vows
• I promise to hold off secretly watching episodes of *whatever TV show we are watching together, until we are actually together.
• I promise to never expect a 50/50 marriage.
• I promise to never flirt, lust, or desire the attention of someone of the opposite sex.
• I promise not to spend all our life saving on black Friday sales.
• I vow to always do all the stuff neither of us wants to do when I know that you really, really don’t want to do it a lot more than I really, really don’t want to do it.
• I promise to like your ‘selfies’ within a reasonable time frame.
• I vow to stand by your side, John, when the zombie apocalypse comes and, should you be turned into one, I promise to let you bite me, so I can too be one and, therefore, stay by your side forever.
• I promise never to keep score… even when I am clearly winning.
• I promise to unclog the drains, even though you are the only one of us with long hair.
• I promise to buy taller shoes so you can wear heels.
• I promise to take Instagram-worthy photos of you.
• I vow to limit my shoe collection to 40 pairs
• I promise to compliment your baking, even when your cakes are raw on the inside
• I promise to always give you the last drop in the wine bottle
• I promise to always be honest with you. I was going to promise that I would never be late again, but that would break my previous promise about being honest
• In front of our friends and family gathered here, I promise to love and cherish you in good times and in bad. I promise to put down the toilet seat – and to replace the toilet roll when it’s over and to never, ever, ever forget our wedding anniversary or your birthday.
• I, (insert your name), take you (insert fiancé’s name), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, for even poorer when I’ve been shopping, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.
Senior Trying To Reset Password
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
We Need A New Name For Our School
Recently a school in Texas wanted to rename its school from Robert E. Lee. So, they let the students submit new names for their school.
Academic Center for Sorcery
Star Fleet Academy
Dark Side of the Moon Academy
Planet Vulcan Academy
Academy Of Fighting Wizards
The Magicians High
The School of Life
High School of Rock
School of the Resistance
Winner Takes All Academy
The Alamo Academy
Alcatraz High School
Celestial Astrology Academy
Mockingjay High School
Narnia High School
Weed High School
Butte High School
West Fukasumi Titnipple High School
Arkham Asylum Middle School
The School Formerly Known As Prince Elementary
Adolf Hitler School for Friendship and Tolerance
The Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too
Schoolie McSchoolface Elementary
Randy Savage Memorial Elementary School
Bald Eagle Anti-Terrorist School For Freedom
Beavis and Butt-head Elementary
And of course
Yes, They Really Did Sell Door To Door
A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door of the First house on the street.
A tall lady answered the door.
Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman entered the living room, opened a big black plastic bag, and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.
“Madam, if I cannot clean this up within 5 minutes using this new powerful Vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this dung!” exclaimed the eager salesman.
“Do you need chili sauce or ketchup with that?” asked the lady.
The bewildered salesman asked, “Why, madam?”
“There’s no electricity in the house.” said the lady.