Church of Unlimited Credit with Robin Williams – SCTV
Some Thoughts On Sex, Beer And Drinking, by the World’s Greatest Scholars
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
- Tom Clancy
You know “that look” women get when they want sex? Me neither.
- Steve Martin
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it’s pretty damned good.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
- Woody Allen
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
- George Burns
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
- Camille Paglia
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
- Lynn Lavner
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
— Jack Handy
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
— Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober.
— William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
— Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
— Ernest Hemingway
Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.
— Catherine Zandonella
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
— Ambrose Bierce
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls.
— Ross Levy
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
— W.C. Fields
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
— W.C. Fields
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
— Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
— Michelle Mastrolacasa
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
— Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
— Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!
— Brian O’Rourke
You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
— Frank Zappa
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
— Winston Churchill
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
— Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
— Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
— Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
— Humphrey Bogart
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
— Kaiser Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet, tasty beer.
— Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
— Dave Barry
All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me – so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer.
— Homer Simpson
My girlfriend always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
— Steve Jobs
Divorce – from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
— Robin Williams
The problem is that God gave men a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to run one at a time.
— Robin Williams
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
— Rodney Dangerfield
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.
— Sharon Stone
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
— Jack Nicholson
Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or even where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
— Barbara Bush
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month I can be myself.
— Roseanne Barr
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgemental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
— Robert De Niro
Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.
— Rod Stewart
A Senior’s Trip To Costco
Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina Dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the Checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant?
So since I’m retired and have little to do, so on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish setter’s butt and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won’t let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
Top 10 Acronyms For P.M.S.
1. Psychotic Mood Shift
2. Puffy Mid-Section
3. People Make me Sick
4. Pimples May Surface
5. Pass My Sweatpants
6. Perpetual Munching Spree
7. Pass My Shotgun
8. Pissy Mood Syndrome
9. Potential Murder Suspect
10. Pack My Sh!t
Getting A Hairdryer Through Customs
A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favor?’
‘Of course child. What can I do for you?’
‘Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electric hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?
‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.’
‘With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.’
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?’
‘From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.’
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, ‘And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?’
‘I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.’
Roaring with laughter, the official said, ‘Go ahead, Father. Next!’
Random Rants About Stuff That Ticks Me Off
I’m kinda bored, sitting here in front of my computer with nothing really to do. I’m in kind of a bad mood, so maybe I’ll just rant about a few things that tick me off. You got a problem with that?
Tattoos. Having a tattoo with Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.
Wal-Mart. I’m not the cashier! By the time I get done sliding my friggen card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again… the kid who’s “supposed” to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Snickers bar. Paper? Plastic? I don’t have time for that. I’ve just been called to do a cleanup on aisle four!
Baseball cards. You know, as I kid I collected them. Hell I think every kid collects baseball cards. The cards represent your heroes, your idols, people you wanted to be like when you grew up. My problem isn’t with kids… it’s adults. Listen if you’re a grown man you’re not collecting cards, you’re collecting pictures of men. That’s gay.
Old People. Stop messing with them. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time gramps figures out how to open it his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
Women and their eyebrows. What’s the deal here? Why are you soooo obsessed with making them skinny, pointy, curved, slanted or whatever. Men don’t care. Do you have two eyebrows? Great. Let’s get it on!
Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.
“Follow me, son.” the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
“First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.” And they did.
“Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.” And they did.
“Now we eat everybody.” And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?”
His wise father replied, “Because they taste better without the sh!t inside!”
I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays.
~ Henny Youngman
Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.
~ Mel Brooks
Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York, you’re Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyim even if you are Jewish.
~ Lenny Bruce
God, I know we are your chosen people, but couldn’t you choose somebody else for a change?
~ Shalom Aleichem
The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
~ Calvin Trillin
Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!
~ Golda Meir
Even a secret agent can’t lie to a Jewish mother.
~ Peter Malkin
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
~ Benjamin Disraeli
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
~ Sam Levenson
Don’t be humble; you are not that great.
~ Golda Meir
God will pardon me. It’s His business.
~ Heinrich Heine
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
~ Joe E. Lewis
New Computer Programs
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Kids Are Quick
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘ crocodile? ‘
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I ‘ m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I.’
MILLIE: I is…
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘ I am.’
MILLIE: All right. ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet. ‘
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand….
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ‘ My Dog ‘ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It’s the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
The great question which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want?
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
Two secrets to keep your marriage
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.