Funniest Joke I Ever Heard 1984 Jimmy Stewart
And You Thought Alcohol Was Bad For You
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.
And those who don’t and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) – bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I’m doing it as a public service!
Hopefully you’ve never had these used on you, but this is a list of excuses to use if that “special” someone asks you out and you don’t know how to say no. If someone gives you one of these excuses, it is very likely that they have absolutely no interest in going out with you.
1. I’m going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me
2. My palm reader advised against it
3. I have to stay home and see if I snore
4. I prefer to remain an enigma
5. I think you want the OTHER [your name]
6. I have to sit up with a sick ant
7. I’m trying to cut down
8. My asthma is acting up again
9. That would interfere with my time to wait for the government to take me away
10. You’re ugly, I’m busy, have a nice day
11. It’s my goldfish’s birthday
12. Uh, I have stuff to do
13. I have to hide the bodies
14. I don’t have time to go on a date…with YOU!
15. I have to wash my hair
16. I have to clean my toilet
17. My hamster is having a heart transplant and I need to stay for moral support
18. I caught a rare deadly African disease that’s highly contagious
19. My gerbil is getting married
20. Sorry, when you came to my door I mistook you for a Mormon and took cover
Texas Sheriff Entrance Exam
A man in Texas looking to join the Frio County Sheriff’s Dept. was being interviewed.
The Sergeant doing the interview says, “Your qualifications look good, but there’s an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be accepted.”
Then, sliding a S & W .45 ACP pistol across the desk, he says to the man, “Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six ‘Progressive Liberal’ democrats, and a rabbit.”
“Why the rabbit?” the man asked.
“That’s the attitude we’re looking for!” said the Sergeant, “When can you start?”
Weird Stuff You Learn As You Get Older
1. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
2. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
3. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
4. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
5. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
6. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
7. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
8. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
9. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
10. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
11. I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
12. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
13. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
16. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
17. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are running after it as when you are in it.
18. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
19. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
How Do They Make Those Again?
A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady’s teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves…
“Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?” She said, “No?”
“Well”, he spoofed, “down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big ‘Finished Goods Crate’ and start the process all over again.”
And she didn’t laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed, “I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!”
Jews On Humor
Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.
~ Sam Goldwyn
Everybody likes a kidder but nobody loans him money.
~ Arthur Miller
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
~ Jackie Mason
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
~ Woody Allen
Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?
~ Groucho Marx
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
~ Groucho Marx
A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.
~ Oscar Levant
Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
~ George Burns
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they’ve stolen.
~ Mort Sahl
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
~ Milton Berle
With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has no place to stink.
~ George Burns
When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault.
~ Henry Kissinger
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!’
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, ‘I won the prize for the Best toast of the night!’
She said, ‘Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?’
John said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.’
‘Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!’ Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, ‘John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.’
She said, ‘Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.’
You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If…
1. You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag.
2. More than half the droids you own don’t function.
3. The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q.
4. You wonder why Luke and Leia gave up on getting married.
5. You used a carbon-freezing chamber to mount the Wampa you shot while on vacation on Hoth.
6. Your moonshine is made on a real moon.
7. You don’t like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket.
8. Sand people back down from your mama.
9. You’ve ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or DUI.
10. You’ve ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at your accent.
11. You don’t think the Ewoks are primitive.
12. You think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow.
13. You don’t think Jabba’s pig guards have a hygiene problem.
14. The Rancor monster refused to eat you.
15. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
16. You have ever used a light saber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.
17. You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac.
18. You’ve ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid.
19. A Wookie has ever told you that you need to shave.
20. You have ever wrecked a land speeder while trying to light a cigarette with your light saber.
What Causes Arthritis?
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”
The priest replies, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”
The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be damned”
Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
“I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.
He swallowed hard.
Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
“What’s your business role at this convention?”
“Lecturer” she responded. I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.
“Really he said, and what kind of myths are there?”
“Well, she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name?
“Tonto, “the man said,” Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”