Friday Fun Stuff – 8-29-25

Hysteria (A Comedy Song by Riki Lindhome)

If Adulthood Had A Job Orientation Day

New Government Warnings On Alcohol

As most Americans are familiar with, the federal government mandates health warnings on alcoholic products to warn people about the potential negative effects. This is also an increasing occurrence in other countries as well. It has come to our attention that a few additional warning may be appropriate.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that a “2″ is a “10.”
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 a.m.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy, named Chuck.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

AND Instead of warning women not to drink when they are pregnant — the new guidelines should read…

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.

Very Cool Kid!

A little 10-year-old girl was walking home alone from school one day when a big man on a black motorcycle pulled up beside her.

After following her for a while, he turned to her and asked, “Hey there, little girl, do you want to go for a ride?”

“NO!” says the little girl as she keeps walking.

The motorcyclist pulls up beside her again and says, “Hey little girl, I’ll give you $10 if you hop on the back.”

“NO!” she replies and hurries down the street.

One last time, the man tries again: “Okay, kid, final offer – I’ll give you $20 and a big bag of candy if you’ll just hop on the back and we’ll go for a ride.”

The little girl finally stops, turns, and screams, “LOOK, DAD! You’re the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley… YOU RIDE IT!!”

Good Reasons For A Guy To Stay Single

• You won’t have to explain why you’re wearing “that” shirt with “those” pants.
• You can leave the toilet seat in any position you damn well please.
• You can actually tell the bartender, “If anyone calls, I’m here”.
• You’ll be painting the town instead of the house.
• When you get home after work, you don’t have to start work again.
• You could actually show my girlfriend where you live.
• You’d be driving a miniskirt instead of a minivan.
• The only weeds you’d be concerned with are the ones you’re rolling.
• You would have saved $372,416.21 in groceries by now.
• You wouldn’t catch so much grief about those skid-marks in your underwear.
• You’d get to see what your paycheck looks like.
• You’d get to see what your credit cards look like.
• You can see a different face when you wake up in the morning, every day of the week!
• Going to a strip club doesn’t have to be a covert mission.
• Bachelors don’t have Mother-in-laws.
• You wouldn’t have to watch sub-titled French films.
• You could home drunk to sleep, instead of under a bridge.
• You can use your own name at hotels.
• You wouldn’t have a driving instructor grading you every time you go somewhere.

And finally, when asked his opinion, a single guy can still say “Hell yes, those pants make you look fat!” (of course, he’ll never score though ; )

Oh, Sure It’s For Your Hair

While shopping in the grocery store, two nuns happened to walk past the beer cooler.

One said to the other, “Wouldn’t a nice cold beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?”

The second replied, “It would indeed, Sister… but I’d feel uncomfortable buying beer. I’m sure it would cause a scene
at the checkout.”

The first nun smiled and said, “I can handle that.” She grabbed a six-pack and marched to the register.

The cashier looked stunned as the two nuns stepped up with the beer.

“We use it to wash our hair,” the nun said with a straight face. “It’s a sort of shampoo.”

Without missing a beat, the cashier reached under the counter, tossed in a pack of pretzel sticks, and said, “The curlers are on the house.”

The Top 10 Least Popular Courses At Starfleet Academy

10. Admiral Uniform Design
9. Anthropology 502: Mating Habits of the Pakled
8. Crashing Starships on Planets
7. Literature 404: The Knock-Knock Joke In Vulcan Literature
6. Jim Kirk’s Women: A Career Retrospective
5. Engineering 101: Inflating Repair Estimates
4. Horta Wrestling
3. Klingon Cuisine (lab)
2. Statistics 300: The Data On Command Baldness
1. Android Studies: The Role of Mechanical’s in Federation History

Stupid Husband

Wife at self-checkout, pointing scanner at her wrist: “You see how I can’t scan myself?”

Husband: “Yeah.”

Wife: “It’s ’cause I’m priceless.”

Husband: “Or you’re worthless.’

10 minutes later, the ambulance arrived. Hospital visiting hours are the same as usual: 9 AM to 9 PM.

The Top 16 Ways To Annoy A Supermodel

16. Repeatedly ask, “What was your last name again?”
15. Ask her if she’s going to finish that lettuce leaf.
14. Every week, adjust her scale to add an additional pound or two (Wait — that’s the way to *kill* a supermodel).
13. Consistently baffle her with multi-syllabic words and compound sentences.
12. Force her to share a runway with a 747.
11. Whoopie Cushion Shoulder Pads.
10. Taunt her with the Pythagorean Theorem and a slice of pizza.
9. Follow her everywhere, mumbling, “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.”
8. Make her wear that loose-fitting size 2 outfit.
7. Secretly replace her methamphetamine’s with new “Folgers Crystals Methamphetamine’s.”
6. Move fashion meccas from New York, Paris, and Milan to Newark, Vladivostok, and Anchorage.
5. Constantly demand a display of her Superhuman powers.
4. Tell her that global-warming will eventually lead to the erosion of collagen.
3. Before fixing dinner, ask her if she’d rather throw-up meatloaf or throw-up spaghetti.
2. Keep asking, “Are you the one who’s married to Billy Joel?”
1. Two words: CK wedgies.

What’s Your Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”

She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”

Guess where I am now ….

Top 10 Sex Tips For Seniors

10. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
9. Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
8. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
7. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.6. Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember.
5. Keep extra Poly-grip close by so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.
4. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
3. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
2. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
1. Don’t even think about trying it twice.

Generic Name For Viagra

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name, Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.

Why Don’t All Restaurants Have This?