Jokes – Education

A Wise Schoolteacher
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: “If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I’ll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.”
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City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam


1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?

2. If Jose has two ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn’t cut it?

3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?

4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4×4. If he has stolen 2 BMW’s and 3 4×4′s, how many Chevy’s will he have to steal to make $800?

6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing her since she spent his money?

7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

8. Hector knocked up six girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
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Courses At Your Local Community College
Self Improvement
S1 100 Creative Suffering
S1 101 Overcoming peace of mind
S1 102 Ego gratification through violence
S1 103 Dealing with Post-Realization Depression
S1 104 Overcoming self-doubt through pretence & ostentation
S1 105 Whine your way to alienation
S1 106 Feigning knowledge – a career enhancement strategy
S1 107 Guilt without s ex
S1 108 Children – an avoidable distraction in educational decision making
S1 109 Keeping facts out of your management structures
S1 110 Carrying a piece of paper while walking briskly

Business & Career
BC 100 Third World Status – a meaningful career goal
BC 101 Packaging and selling your child
BC 102 The underachiever’s guide to very small business opportunities
BC 103 How to profit from your own body
BC 104 Acting up posts in Iraq
BC 105 Tattooing colleagues as an income supplement
BC 106 Credit purchasing with your kidney donor card

C 100 Bonsai you’re pet
C 102 Self actualization through macramé
C 103 Origami for self defense
C 104 Drawing genitalia in soft pastel shades (Summer Term only)
C 105 Needlecraft for substance abusers

Home Economics

HE 100 Virus cultivation in the household refrigerator
HE 102 Basic kitchen taxidermy
HE 103 1001 alternative uses for the vacuum cleaner
HE 104 Simple mutation techniques using a microwave
HE 105 MFI underwater home birth methods

Fitness & Health
FH 100 The joys of hypochondria
FH 101 High Fiber S ex/Bio Feedback and how to stop it
FH 102 Skate your way to regularity
FH 103 Tap-dance your way to social ridicule
FH 104 Eating with plastic spoons
FH 105 Flatulence control through Yoga
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Eleven Things Kids Aren’t Learning In School!
Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So, before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

If you can read this – Thank a teacher!

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Freshman Guide To Bra Removal
To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot.

1) Girl with bra
2) Two functional hands
3) Common Sense

1) THE HOUDINI HUG — Using sleight-of-hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying, “Ta-da!”
2) MCGYVER’S OFF-THE-SHOULDER SLIDE — An alternative method to use after ten minutes of unsuccessful hugging.
3) HILTON’S LAST RESORT — Beg like a dog and learn to absorb the harsh sound of wicked laughter.

DO NOT USE: scissors, blowtorch, pliers, wire strippers, cutlery, Black Magic, staple remover, chainsaw, brute strength, explosives, set of lock picks, or chisel and hammer.

WARNING: When removing a bra you should not say the following:
1) “I really want to thank you for this.”
2) “Dang it! I thought they were bigger.”
3) “Do you have any cereal?”

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School 1958 Vs. School 2008
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1958 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up friends.

2008 – Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.

Scenario: Jeffrey won’t sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1958 – Jeffrey is sent to the principal’s office and given 6 hits on his rear end with a paddle. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2008 – Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counseled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad makes him get the switch he’s going to hit him with.

1958 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2008 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.

Scenario: Mark brings cigarettes to school.

1958 – Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2008 – Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Jose fails high school English.

1958 – Jose retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.

2008 – Jose’s cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Jose is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1958 – Ants die.

2008 – FBI and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny’s dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1958 – Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2008 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.
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School Answering Machine
(This is hilarious – no wonder some people were offended!) but I think it should be on all Schools’ recorders !!!

This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California) staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children’s absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children’s failing grades changed to passing grades – even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

“Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

* To lie about why your child is absent – Press 1

* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work – Press 2

* To complain about what we do – Press 3

* To swear at staff members – Press 4

* To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you – Press 5

* If you want us to raise your child – Press 6

* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone – Press 7

* To request another teacher, for the third time this year – Press 8

* To complain about bus transportation – Press 9

* To complain about school lunches – Press 0

* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it’s not the teachers’ fault for your child’s lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
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I Think You’re The Father Of One Of My Kids
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where
he knows her from…

So he says, ‘Do you know me?’ To which she replies, ‘I think you’re the father
of one of my kids.’ Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and he says, ‘My God, are you the stripper from my friend’s bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching
while your partner hit my butt with celery stalks while I was wearing that pink leotard???’

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, ‘No, I’m your son’s teacher.
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The Evolution of a Math Problem
A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price. What is his profit?

1960 (traditional math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price, or in other words $80. What is his profit?

1970 (new math):
A lumberjack exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1. Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M. The set C is a subset of set M, of cardinality 80. What is the cardinality of the set P of profits, if P is the difference set M\C?

1980 (equal opportunity math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of wood for $100. His or her cost of production is $80, and his or her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

1990 (outcome based education):
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a lumberperson makes $20. What do you think of his way of making a living? In your group, discuss how the forest birds and squirrels feel, and write an essay about it.

1998 (entrepreneurial math):
By laying off 402 of its lumberjacks, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

2003 (motivational math):
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying?
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You Might Be A Schoolteacher If...
• You have no time for a life from August to June.
• You want to slap the next person who says, “Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!”
• When out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
• You refer to adults as “boys and girls.”
• You encourage your spouse by telling them they are a “good helper.”
• You’ve ever had your profession slammed by someone who would never dream of doing your job.
• Meeting a child’s parents instantly answers the question, “Why is this kid like this?”
• You believe “extremely annoying” should have its own box on the report card.
• You know hundred good reasons for being late.
• You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
• You find humor in other people’s stupidity.
• You believe chocolate is a food group.
• You can tell if it’s a full moon without ever looking outside.
• You believe “Shallow gene pool” should have its own box in the report card.
• You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says “Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.
• When you mention “Vegetables” you’re not talking about a food group.
• You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
• You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
• You believe in aerial Prozac spraying.
• You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary school for the last 10 years.
• You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
• You know you are in for a major project when a parent says “I have a great idea I’d like to discuss. I think it would be such fun.”
• You want to choke a person when they say “Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you.”
• You don’t want children of your own because there isn’t a name you can hear that wouldn’t elevate your blood pressure.
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College Courses We’d Like To See For Men And Women
College Coursed For Men
• Bathroom Accuracy 101
• Strange But True: She Really May NOT Care What “Fourth Down and Ten” Means
• Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
• Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don’t Fall Under the “Action/Adventure” Category
• Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
• Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let’s Clean the Closet
• Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let’s Clean Under the Bed
• Be the First Man to Say These Three Words: “I Don’t Know”
• Changing Your Underwear—It Really Works
• The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty Means Empty
• Directions: It’s Still Okay to Ask for Them
• Listening: It’s Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
• Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn’t Mean You Can Fix It
• PMS: Learning to Keep Your Mouth Shut
• Understanding the Female Response to Coming in Drunk at 4:00 A.M.
• Parenting: No, It Doesn’t End With Conception
• Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
• How to Stay Awake After Sex
• Garbage: Getting It to the Curb
• Helpful Posture Hints for the Couch Potato
• How Not to Act Younger Than Your Children

College Courses For Women
• Water Retention: Fact or Fat
• Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
• Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption
• Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
• Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
• Dancing: Why Men Don’t Like To
• Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
• TV Remotes: For Men Only
• Emotions: Men Have Them, Too
• Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
• Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
• Ballet: For Women Only
• Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
• Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges & Monty Python
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School Excuse Notes
These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:
1. My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direathe the runs.
12. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wears.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
22. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
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Fun Things You Should Never Do During An Exam
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
1. One word: Wrestlemania.
2. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
3. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
4. Play Frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
5. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.
6. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc… sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
7. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
8. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
9. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say “it helps me think.” Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don’t forget to use the phrase “Told you so”.
10. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
11. One word: Wrestlemania.
12. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
13. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”
14. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
15. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling “I’m here, the phantom of the opera” until they drag you away.
16. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
17. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say “You don’t really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of Our Lives is on!!!”
18. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
19. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
20. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
21. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
22. Come in wearing a full knight’s outfit, complete with sword and shield.
23. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
24. Bring cheat sheets TO ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious…like history notes for a calculus exam… otherwise you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment “Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.”
25. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
26. Answer the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher”
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Teachers Will Love This
Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, ‘Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.’ She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool and together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, ‘These aren’t my boots.’

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, ‘Why didn’t you say so?’ like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, ‘They’re my brother’s boots. My mom made me wear ‘em.’

Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, ‘Now, where are your mittens?’

He said, ‘I stuffed ‘em in the toes of my boots.’

She will be eligible for parole in three years!
Because the Judge was a mom

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Actual Science Tests Answers...
These are reputedly real answers to questions on science tests.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Water is composed of two gins, oxygen and hydrogen. Oxygen is pure gin. Hydrogen is gin and water.

Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.

When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

For fainting: Rub the person’s chest, or, if it’s a lady, rub her arm above the hand. Or put her head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.

Equator: a menagerie lion running around Earth through Africa.

Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is so that there is something to hitch the meat to.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

The body consists of three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain. The borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five – A, E, I, O, and U.
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First Grade Proverbs
A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
Don’t change horses………….until they stop running.
Strike while the………….bug is close.
It’s always darkest before…………. Daylight Saving Time.
Never underestimate the power of………….termites.
You can lead a horse to water but………….how?
Don’t bite the hand that………….looks dirty.
No news is………….impossible
A miss is as good as a………….Mr.
You can’t teach an old dog new………….math
If you lie down with dogs, you’ll………….stink in the morning.
Love all, trust………….me.
The pen is mightier than the………….pigs.
An idle mind is………….the best way to relax.
Where there’s smoke there’s………….pollution.
Happy the bride who………….gets all the presents.
A penny saved is………….not much.
Two’s company, three’s………….the Musketeers.
Don’t put off till tomorrow what………….you put on to go to bed.
Laugh & the whole laughs with you, cry &………….you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as………….Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not………….spanked or grounded..
If at first you don’t succeed………….get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you………….see in the picture on the box
When the blind lead the blind ………….get out of the way
A bird in the hand………….is going to poop on you.
As you shall make your bed so shall you……………….mess it up.
Better be safe than……………….punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the ……………….bug is close.
It’s always darkest before……………….daylight savings time.
You can lead a horse to water but……………….how?
Don’t bite the hand that……………….looks dirty.
A miss is as good as a……………….Mr.
You can’t teach an old dog new……………….math.
If you lie down with the dogs, you’ll…….stink in the morning.
The pen is mightier than the……………….pigs.
An idle mind is……………….the best way to relax.
Where there’s smoke, there’s……………….pollution.
Happy the bride who……………….gets all the presents.
A penny saved is……………….not much.
Two’s company, three’s……………….the musketeers.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and………….you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not……………spanked or grounded.
When the blind leadeth the blind……………get out of the way.
And the winner is…
Better late than………….pregnant
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The College Food Chain
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to G-d

Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Talks with G-d

Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with G-d if a special request is honored

Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by G-d

Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Treads water
Talks to animals

Climbs walls continually
Rides the rails
Plays Russian Roulette
Walks on thin ice
Prays a lot

Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls

Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says “Look at the choo-choo”
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself
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Report Card Comments
Actual comments made by NYC teachers on their report cards as part of their final narratives.
1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a “full six-pack” but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.
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Biology Lesson
The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: “What part of the human body increases to 10 times it’s normal size when excited?”

Jessica responds: “That’s disgusting! I don’t have to answer that question!”

So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: “That’s easy…the pupil of the eye.” “That’s correct, Johnny. Very good!”

And turning to Jessica, she says: “I’ve three things to say to you, young lady… first, you didn’t do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you’re in for a big disappointment!”
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More Fun Things For Professors To Do On The First Day Of Class
1. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
2. Announce “you’ll need this”, and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
3. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
4. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.
5. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.
6. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, “Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN’T HEEEEEEAR YOU!”
7. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
8. Ask students to list their favorite show tunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.
9. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
10. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
11. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
12. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
13. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about “that bug I picked up in the field”.
14. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture’s over when the bottle’s done.
15. Growl constantly and address students as “matey”.
16. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to “sit back and groove”.
17. Announce that last year’s students have almost finished their class projects.
18. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
19. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you “Snuggles”.
20. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you’ve named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don’t use it.
21. Address students as “worm”.
22. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.
23. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.
24. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute “commercial breaks” every ten minutes.
25. Of course, the most fun thing to do on the first day of class is to enjoy yourself, sleep in, and let the students wonder if they found the right room!
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An Eighth Grade Education In 1895
Could you pass this???
What it took to get an 8th grade education in 1895…

Remember when grandparents and great-grandparents stated that they only had an 8th grade education?

Well, check this out. Could any of us have passed the 8th grade in 1895?

This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 in Salina, Kansas, USA. It was taken from the original document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, and reprinted by the Salina Journal.

8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS – 1895

Grammar (Time, one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of capital letters.
2. Name the parts of speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define verse, stanza and paragraph
4. What are the principal parts of a verb? Give principal parts of ‘lie, Play,’ and ‘run.’
5. Define case; illustrate each case.
6 What is punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of punctuation.
7 – 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

Arithmetic (Time, 1 hour 15 minutes)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. Deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. Wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3,942 lbs., what is it worth at 50cts/bushel, deducting 1,050 lbs for tare?
4. District No 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find the cost of 6,720 lbs. Coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $20 per meter?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance of which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt

U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, 1865.

Orthography (Time, one hour)
[Do we even know what this is??]
1. What is meant by the following: alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, and syllabication?
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: digraph, sub vocals, diphthong, cognate letters, lingual?
4. Give four substitutes for caret ‘u.’ (HUH?)
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final ‘e.’ Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: bi, dis-mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.

Geography (Time, one hour)
1 What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspin Wall, and Orinoco
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S. name all the republics of Europe and give the capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give the inclination of the earth.

Notice that the exam took FIVE HOURS to complete.
Gives the saying ‘he only had an 8th grade education’ a whole new meaning, doesn’t it?!
Also shows you how poor our education system has become and, NO, I don’t have the answers!

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College Entrance Exam - Football Player Edition
Time Limit: 3 weeks


1.) What language is spoken in France?

2.) Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions
Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.

3.) Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army

4.) What religion is the Pope? (Check only one)
(a) Jewish
(c) Hindu
(d) Swedish
(e) Agnostic

5.) Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?

6.) What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1?

7.) How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)

8.) What are people in America’s far north called?

9.) Spell – CAT, DOG, PIG

10.) Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the sixth. Name the previous five.

11.) Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy’s
(b) 7-11 stores
(c) cats and dogs

12.) Can you explain Einsteins’s theory of relativity?
(a) Yes
(b) No

13.) What are coat hangers used for?

14.) The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15.) Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium.
Spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS

16.) Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17.Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) Nigeria
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Australia

18.) If you have 3 apples, how many apples do you have?

19.) What is the phone number for 911?

20.) How many Chinese Urns in a dozen?

21.) If Sacramento is the state capitol of California, what is the state capitol of California?

22.) Where does wood come from?
(b) Asphalt
(c) Steel

23.) If I have 10 dollars and I give you 10 dollars, how much money do I have left?

Using your fingers, count from 1-5.
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There's The Teacher
The children had all been photographed for school pictures, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’”

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s teacher; she’s dead.”
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I Hate Chemistry Class
Top ten ways to get thrown out of the chemistry lab.
10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.
9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, “Does this taste funny to you?”
8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as “KKK.”
7. Mutter repeatedly, “Not again…not again…not again.”
6. When it’s very quiet, suddenly cry out, “My eyes!”
5. Deny the existence of chemicals.
4. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.
3. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.
2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid
1. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.
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What The Teacher Says And What The Teacher Means
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
(He was caught cheating on a test).

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can’t stay seated for five minutes).

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
(He’s definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don’t intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn’t done one assignment all term).

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).

7. Your daughter’s greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He’s a bully).

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
(Your son was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She’s so immature that we’ve run out of diapers).

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner’s Guide).

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year’s repetition of her learning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).

13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
(A mouth that never stops yacking).
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College Freshman Vs. College Seniors
Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.
Senior: Is never out of bed before noon.

Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.
Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend.

Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class.

Freshman: Calls the professor “Teacher.”
Senior: Calls the professor “Bob.”

Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior: Drives to class if it’s more than three blocks away.

Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Senior: Memorizes the professor’s habits to get a good grade.

Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually.

Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.

Freshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are.
Senior: Has own personal workstation.

Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October… maybe.

Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year.
Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year.

Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm

Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night
Senior: Calls Domino’s every other night

Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of professors
Senior: Is appalled that the campus ‘Subway’ burned down over the summer

Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questions
Senior: Homework? I knew I forgot to do something last night

Freshman: Goes on grocery-shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus
Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving into group house

Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one’s horizons and really make a contribution to society
Senior: Is excited about new dryers in the laundry room

Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class
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CPR Class
Toward the end of their senior year in high school, students were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Rescue Anne, to practice.

Rescue Anne was legless to allow for storage in a carrying case.

The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of the students gently shook the doll and asked, “Are you all right?” He then put his ear over the mannequin’s mouth to listen for breathing.

Suddenly, the student turned to the instructor and exclaimed, “She says she can’t feel her legs!”
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The Top 10 Signs You Have A Bad History Teacher
• Constantly gets Indonesia and Outdonesia confused.
• As incentive for learning, when you name a state capital, you get to take a shot.
• Insists that one of Popes during the Roman empire was Pope Bubba.
• Thinks that Mussolini was Hitler’s favorite pasta.
• Counts Puerto Rico, Mexico and Canada as “technically” U.S. States.
• Tells you that its Napoleon that’s the ice cream that comes in 3 flavors in one box.
• Insists that the Great Depression could have been stopped with the right amount of Lithium.
• Threatens to reenact Salem Witch Trials/Burnings if homework is not turned in on time.
• Claims that it was Martin and Lewis that were the great explorers of the West.
• Credits David Hasselhoff and not Democracy for the fall of the Berlin Wall.
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Ideas About Science
The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain’s contention that the ‘most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.
• Q: What is one horsepower?
A: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
• You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
• Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
• The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
• When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
• When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
• Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
• While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating. [this guy is going to do well in college! "haha"]
• Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
• South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
• Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
• Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
• A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
• There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
• There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.
• Lime is a green-tasting rock.
• Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
• Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don’t why you should.
• Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they’re there.
• Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it’s brother against brother.
• Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
• We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
• To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
• In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H’s as O’s.
• Clouds are high flying fogs.
• I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
• Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.
• Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
• Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
• We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won’t drown when we breathe.
• Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
• Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
• In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
• Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.
• A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
• A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
• A monsoon is a French gentleman.
• Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
• Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
• It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.
• The wind is like the air, only pushier.
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Lament Of A Teacher
Let me see if I’ve got this right:
• You want me to go into that room with all those wild kids, and fill their every conscious moment with a love for learning
• I’m supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity
• I’m supposed to encourage a respect for the cultural diversity of others
• I’m expected to behaviorally modify disruptive behavior
• I’m to remain ever vigilant for signs of abuse or neglect
• I am to fight the war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases
• I have to check their backpacks for guns or other weapons
• I’m expected to somehow raise their self-esteem
• I’m to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play
• I’m to encourage them to register to vote (age permitting)
• I’m to instill in them a sense of pride of government and democracy
• I’m to teach them how to budget and how to balance a checkbook
• I will be considered remiss if I do not instill a work ethic in these brats
• I’m to demonstrate how to apply for a job and successfully interview
• But I am never to ask if they are in this country illegally
• I am to check their heads occasionally for lice; skin for rat bites
• I’m expected to maintain a safe environment w/o touching the lil’ monsters
• I’m to recognize signs of potential anti-social behavior
• I’m to offer advice, guidance and counseling on any matter
• I’m to write letters of recommendation for employment and/or scholarships
• I’m to make sure that I give the girls in my class fifty percent of my attention
• I’m required by my contract to be working on my own time (summers and evenings) and at my own expense towards additional certification, advanced certification and a master’s degree
• I’m to sponsor some type of extra-curricular sports activity on my own time
• After school, I am to attend committee and/or faculty meetings
• I’m required to participate in staff development training to maintain my current certification and employment status
• I am to be a paragon of virtue larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority
• I’m to do all of this with just a piece of chalk, a few books and a bulletin board, and on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps in many states
• And… oh yeah… teach
Is that all?
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Are You Ready For College?
The quiz below will help you to determine if you are truly ready to attend college. Answer all questions below choosing one of the multiple choice answers for each question as your answer.
1) You have five minutes to get dressed before leaving for a hot date. You suddenly realize you don’t have any clean socks. You:
   a. Rummage through the dirty laundry, sniffing each sock until finding two that don’t make your eyes water.
   b. Cover your ankles with black shoe polish.
   c. Tell your date you always wished you were old enough to select your own wardrobe when Miami Vice was all the rage.
   d. Arrive for your date wearing nothing but an old sheet and claiming you thought tonight was the big toga party.
2) In order to afford a decent apartment you’ll need to find a roommate. The most important feature in a roommate is:
   a. They don’t own an accordion.
   b. Their main goal in life isn’t to prove heterosexuality is vastly overrated.
   c. When they tell you they love smokin’ rock, they are referring to an Eddie Van Halen guitar solo.
   d. They don’t arrive wearing a PETA t-shirt that says “cockroaches are people too.”
3) You desperately need a good grade in your English Lit class, yet it’s two hours before the paper is due and you haven’t even written the first line. You:
   a. Walk out to the driveway and slam your writing hand in the car door.
   b. You write a fantasy paper titled, “What if Shakespeare was born a pig?” You rewrite Hamlet in Pig Latin and title it, “Piglet.”
   c. You casually mention to your professor how you long for the good ole’ days when it wasn’t considered sexual harassment to trade sex for good grades.
   d. You call Dr. Kevorkian to see if he owns a walk-in clinic.
4) Your first semester is the time to get used to college life and make new friends. By the second semester you plan to really buckle down and show what you’re made of. Your biggest goal is:
   a. To raise your GPA to 1.5.
   b. To cut your beer consumption to no more than 20 bottles on nights before big tests.
   c. To get a date with someone whose phone number doesn’t begin with 1-900.
   d. To prove illiteracy isn’t necessarily a drawback.
5) In order to survive on a tight budget you will need to cut corners. Which of the following is the best way to save money?:
   a. Stock up on free food by walking into the school cafeteria wearing a catchers mitt and screaming, “food fight!”
   b. Cut down on the expense of Christmas lights by cutting up all your glow-in-the-dark Frisbees and sprinkling them in the bushes.
   c. Save gas expenses while treating your date to a fancy dinner by shutting off the car as you wait in the drive-thru line.
   d. Eliminate the high cost of meat by getting all your protein from beans. This has the added benefit of insuring you won’t have any friends who’ll try to talk you into going out on weekends.
6) In order to have a chance of being accepted, it’s crucial that, on your college application you don’t mention:
   a. In high school you were voted “most likely to become a political prisoner.”
   b. You haven’t tried to kill any teachers since the doctor tripled your Prozac dosage.
   c. That Animal House is your favorite movie.
   d. Although you failed several courses in high school you always earned an A for effort.
7) It’s a generally considered a bad sign if:
   a. You’re asked to pledge “Geek.”
   b. MIT tells you they’ll accept you as long as you qualify for their football scholarship.
   c. Your English professor suggests you transfer to English as a Second Language.
   d. An aptitude shows you’re best qualified to be homeless.
8) The only hope you have of passing your calculus final is:
   a. Tattoo the answers on the inside of your eyelids.
   b. Secure pictures of your professor dressing a sheep in a nightgown.
   c. You have no hope since you’ve never passed as much as a urine test.
   d. Study har    d. (I’m just checking whether you’re paying attention.)
9) When you go for that all-important interview at the college of your dreams, be sure to impress the interviewer by:
   a. Blowing smoke rings with the Cuban cigars you brag about smuggling into the country.
   b. Demonstrating how you can belch the school fight song.
   c. Explaining why academia is the real power behind the evil United Nations and the New World Order, and how you’ve figured out how to build a powerful bomb out of old newspapers and Hershey’s syrup.
   d. Speak in tongues.
10) Employers tend to hire students who were active in campus organizations. In order to make yourself a more attractive job candidate, you should join the:
   a. Intramural Nude Volleyball Team.
   b. FAA (Future Alcoholics of America.)
   c. Academic Probation Clu    b. (It shows initiative to join before you take your first class.)
   d. All of the below.

Scoring your test:

For each A – add 5 points.
For each B – divide by 1.377 points.
For each C – multiply by 0 points.
For each D – subtract 500 points.
For each F that you circled – See an eye doctor.
If you scored between 50 and negative 2,000 points: Consult a mental health practitioner immediately!
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High School Vs. College
24. No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come.

23. In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college, on both.

22. In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the teacher’s guide.

21. In college, there are no bells or tardy slips.

20. In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you get to live with your friends.

19. In college, you don’t have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.

18. In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.

17. In high school, you’re told what classes to take. In college, you get to choose; that is, as long as the classes don’t conflict and you have the prerequisites and the classes aren’t closed and you’ve paid your tuition.

16. In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way out of it. In college, you’re lucky to ever talk with the professor.

15. In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration; in college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close.

14. In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade than your high school final exams ever did.

13. In high school, when the teacher said, “Good morning,” you mumbled back. In college, when the professor says, “Good morning,” you write it down.

12. In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college, senior guys hit on freshman girls.

11. In college, weekends start on Thursday.

10. In college, it’s much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out where he/she will be walking around campus and at what time to find them there.

9. Once you’ve obtained the information described in #10, it’s much more time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she will be in order to “just happen to bump into him/her.”

8. In college, there’s no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.

7. In college, your dad doesn’t pay for dates.

6. In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.

5. College men are cuter than high school boys.

4. College women are legal.

3. In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you don’t need a note from your parents saying you were skip… uh, sick that day.

2. In high school, you can’t go out to lunch because it’s not allowed. In college, you can’t go out to lunch because you can’t afford it.

1. In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists like this.
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College Football At Its Best
Ohio State’s Urban Meyer on one of his players: “He doesn’t know the meaning of the word “fear.” In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words.”

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?

How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That’s a sophomore course.

How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.

Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods.
One of them said, “Look, a dead bird.”
The other looked up in the sky and said, “Where?”

A University of Cincinnati football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident.
He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death.
Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.

What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit? ”
“Will the defendant please rise.”

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?
The police officer.

How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?
There’s tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.

University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the Other half will have to dress themselves.

How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?
They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Why did the Colorado linebacker steal a police car?
He saw “911″ on the side and thought it was a Porsche.

How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

What are the longest three years of a University of Kentucky football player’ s life?
Freshman I, Freshman II, and Freshman III.
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Did You Write This?
A professor asked a student to remain for a few moments after class. Holding out the young man’s assignment, the professor said, “Did you write this poem all by yourself?”

The student said, “Every word of it.”

The professor said, “Well, then, I’m glad to meet you, Mr. Poe. I thought you were long dead.”
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What Starts With F And Ends With K
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what’s your problem?’

Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!’

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: ‘What is 3 x 3?’

Harry: ’9.’

Principal: ‘What is 6 x 6?’

Harry: ’36.’

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade’

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, ‘Let me ask him some questions.’

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?’

Harry, after a moment: ‘Legs.’

Ms Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?’

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: ‘Pockets.’

Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into?’

Harry: ‘Pants.’

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: ‘What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?’

The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, ‘Bubble gum.’

Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?’

Harry: ‘Shake hands.’

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: ‘What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?’

Harry: ‘Fire truck.’

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, ‘Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.’
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College Entrance Essay
This is an actual essay written by a college applicant when applying to NYU. The author of this essay now attends NYU.



Answer: I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty – Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes.

Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

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How to Get Kicked Out Of Chemistry Class!
As always, do not try any of the following in real life!
9. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.
8. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, “Does this taste funny to you?”
7. Mutter repeatedly, “Not again… not again… not again.”
6. When it’s very quiet, suddenly cry out, “My eyes!”
5. Deny the existence of chemicals.
4. Write on the board – “Picnic Today” and then when your classmates arrive, begin toasting marshmallows over the bunsen burner.
3. Pour glycerin on all of the counters, and watch the equipment and chemical bottles slide off as they are used in your classmates’ experiments
2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid
and last but not least…
1. Carry a small vile of water and tell everyone that you have the secret to invisibility in there. Place the bottle down and pretend not to be watching it very carefully.
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New University Promotional Campaigns
BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a lot of empathy? Are you sick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO BROWN!!!

COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are you planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman year? COME TO COLUMBIA!!!

HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do you never want to have another teacher again? And what about a social life? Do you hate that too? COME TO HARVARD!!!

PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating club is? Are you pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the smartest person you know? How many clubs were you in in high school? Have you always dreamed of living in the great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!!!

PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot? How about four more years of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic West Philadelphia? Does the concept of rigorous academics scare you? COME TO PENN!!!

CORNELL: Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you interested in jumping off high places? Have you ever wanted to converse with future hotel managers? Do you like bureaucracy? Do you like archaic forms and the chance to stand in lines with the best and brightest? COME TO CORNELL — The Big Red Tape!!!

DARTMOUTH: Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to get away from stuff like culture and people? Do you like to drink? Do you like to drink some more? Do you like to continue to drink? And what’s your feeling on drinking? COME TO DARTMOUTH!!!

M.I.T.: Hey kids! Are you a freakish nerd? Do you want to be? Do you hate doing anything that doesn’t involve math? That’s right, math! Math math math math and more math! COME TO M.I.T.!!! PLEASE!!!

BOSTON COLLEGE: If you haven’t figured out how to invent the wheel (but have discovered fire and fire-sticks), don’t know your ass from your elbows (but do know genetic plant structures and genetic recombination enough to produce 24 variants of ‘da weed’ with a garden weasel and a piece of Egyptian chewing gum preserved for 2000 years, enjoy the advantages of indecision (hence being in Boston, but not really), and enjoyed Student Council so much that you NEED TO LIVE IT AGAIN, COME TO BC!!!

SYRACUSE: Hey kids, do you like it when your Chancellor takes all your money and gives it to a private firm to design a new logo and mascot because yours isn’t selling well? Are athletics the only thing that matters to you? Do you believe in money first, students last? Is your idea of a good time learning about the History of the salt trade and the Erie Canal? THEN COME TO SYRACUSE!!!
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Student Life
A young student comes to her professor’s office after hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

“I would do anything to pass this exam.” She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. “I mean…” she whispers, “…I would do…anything.

He returns her gaze. “Anything?”


His voice softens. “Anything??”


His voice turns to a whisper. “Would you…study?
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The Top Reasons That Parents Send Kids To School
• To scope out any single teachers for Daddy.
• To learn that useful Algebra stuff that every McDonald’s manager uses daily.
• No cable at home so the kids watch it at school and fill you in at dinner.
• After the same damn episode of Barney 2500 times, its either send them to school or drop them off at the dump at the outskirts of town.
• So someone else can deal with the psychotic little shits.
• Not getting enough paste in their diet at home.
• Easier to run escort service out of home when they’re not around.
• To study hard, and learn the fine art of perfect English to the point of getting a college degree just so you can use it for writing Top 10 Lists!
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Value Of A College Education
Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are beer, loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.)
College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time drinking, sleeping and trying to get dates.

Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:

Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas.
Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on.
The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life.

It’s very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize — don’t ask me why — the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I’m trying to remember something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It’s a terrible waste of brain cells.

After you’ve been in college for a year or so, you’re supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts and Right Answers. This means you must not major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts.

If, for example, you major in mathematics, you’re going to wander into class one day and the professor will say: “Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result to five significant vertices.”

If you don’t come up with exactly the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this.

So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and sociology — subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts.

I attended classes in all these subjects, so I’ll give you a quick overview of each:

This involves writing papers about long books you have read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that anybody with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are studying Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say that Moby Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in your paper, you say Moby-Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland.
Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never liked Moby Dick anyway, will think you are enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.

Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.

PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams.
Psychologists are obsessed with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology.

For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into scientific – sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you’ll have to learn to do the same thing.
For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write:
“Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or ‘crying,’ behavior forms.”

If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get large government grants.
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Funny College Course Evaluations
At the end of college courses, students are often asked to fill out evaluation forms rating the course, the lectures and the facilities. The following statements are from real evaluations forms from MIT.
• “This class was a religious experience for me. I had to take it all on faith.”
• “Text makes a satisfying ‘thud’ when dropped on the floor.”
• “The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree.”
• “His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame.”
• “Textbook is confusing. Someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it.”
• “Have you ever fell asleep in class and awoke in another? That’s the way I felt all term.”
• “In class I learn I can fudge answers and get away with it.”
• “Keep lecturer or tenure board will be shot.”
• “The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him.”
• “Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room.”
• “In class the syllabus is more important than you are.”
• “I am convinced that you can learn by osmosis by just sitting in his class.”
• “Help! I’ve fallen asleep and I can’t wake up!”
• “Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material.”
• “Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing. It’s a great stress reliever.”
• “He is one of the best teachers I have had. He is well-organized, presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my comments don’t hurt his chances of getting tenure.”
• “I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They’ve got a cool nest in the tree.”
• “He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high.”
• “This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”
• “Most of us spent the 1st 3 weeks terrified of the class. Then solidarity kicked in.”
• “Bogus number crunching. My HP is exhausted.”
• “The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon.”
• “TA steadily improved throughout the course. I think he started drinking and it really loosened him up.”
• “I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin tapes that I used more while doing the problem sets that I would have used the text.”
• “What’s the quality of the text? Text is printed on high quality paper.”
• “Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose. Spraying in all directions, no way to stop it.”
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Final Examination
And you thought your finals were tough
Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time Limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.

Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.

You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Based on your degree of knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Rameses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluations with quotations from each man’s work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

Employing principles from the major schools of psychoanalytic thought, successfully subject yourself to analysis. Make appropriate personality changes, bill yourself and fill out all medical insurance forms. Now do the same to the person seated to your left.

Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Define management. Define science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Assuming an1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm; design the communications interface and all necessary control programs.

The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel is appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.
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First Day Of Fifth Grade
It’s the first day of fifth grade, and the teacher is asking each student a question.

“What was the best part about your summer?” she asks one boy sitting in the front row.

“I went to visit my nanna,” he replies.

“It’s fifth grade now, so we’ll expect you to use the adult word, ‘grandma,’ okay?” says the teacher. The boy nods.

Next the teacher asks a little girl sitting in the third row. “What is your favorite food?”

The girl replies, “I like peppermint gummy goodies.”

“Now, now, remember that this is fifth grade,” says the teacher. “Try to use the adult word, okay?” The girl nods.

The teacher then turns to little boy sitting in the corner of the room. “Do you like to read?” she asks.

“Yes, ma’am,” he replies.

“Good! Do you have a favorite book? Remember, use the adult word!”

The boy thinks for a moment, then says, “Yes, Winnie-the-Shit.”
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Back to School: The 70s vs. Today, (A Lot has Changed)
Back to School in the 70s
1. Take the kids downtown to go shopping at Sears for back to school clothes the last week of August. Get everyone a new pair of corduroys and a striped tee shirt. Buy the boys a pair of dungarees and the girls a pair of culottes. No, Jennifer, you can’t have that orange and red poncho. Promise you will crochet her a better one with much more fringe. Get the girls a package of that rainbow, fuzzy yarn they like in their hair. You are done. You have spent a total of $43.00. Now take everyone to the Woolworth’s lunch counter for grilled cheeses and chocolate milk.

2. On the night before the first day of school (that would be the Sunday night after Labor Day, of course, you know, mid-September) throw the kids in the way back of the station wagon and drag them downtown to Eckerds, K-Mart, Ames, Dollar General, Drug Fair or the like and hurry them over to the back-to-school area to pick out a lunchbox. Make sure to tell them get a move on because you don’t have all night for them to make a damn decision. They need to get in bed by eight and yes, they’re going to miss the Wonderful World of Disney if they can’t decide between The Fonz and Dukes of Hazzard. Good Lord, why is it so hard for them to pick? Tell Kimberly if she can’t make up her mind between Holly Hobbie and The Bionic Woman then you’re going to pick Pigs in Space and you don’t want to hear another word about it until June. Grab a composition book for each of them and a pack of pencils too. That’s all they need. Remember to save some grocery bags so they can cover their textbooks with them after the first day of school.

3. Buy yourself a pack of Virginia Slims on the way out and smoke three of them on the way home.

4. Get up in the morning and make yourself a cup of Sanka with Sweet ‘n’ Low. Line up all the lunchboxes on the formica counter top in your kitchen. Open up a bag of Wonder Bread and do this assembly line style.

5. Spread yellow mustard on bread. Slap baloney on bread. Unwrap American cheese slices and put on top of baloney. Put top on the sandwich and wrap sandwich in tin foil or wax paper. Put it in the lunchbox. Every kid gets the same exact lunch. Period.

6. Alternate sandwich choices could include: peanut butter and grape jelly, peanut butter and marshmallow fluff, the end of last night’s leftover roast beef or the ever popular with children tuna fish with large chunks of onions and celery and Miracle Whip.

7. Put some Planter’s Cheese Balls into a baggie and close with a twist tie.

8. Take Twinkies out of the box. Put one in each child’s lunch box.

9. Fill Thermoses with either Kool-Aid or whole milk.

10. Include a red delicious apple even though you know that damned apple is just going to come home uneaten again, which is fine because you can keep adding the same one until it practically rots.

11. Close the lunchboxes. You’re done. Go put some Barry Manilow on the record player and celebrate that your kids are out of the house until dinner time. They’ll grab them, along with a frosted, dutch apple Pop-Tart on the way out the door as they walk a half mile down the road to get to the bus stop.

Back to School 2014
1. Take five deep breaths and say a positive affirmation. School begins in two weeks. It is the middle of July. Don’t worry, you still have time to order BPA-free bento boxes and authentic Indian tiffins made with special stainless steel that did not involve any child-labor, sweat shops or animal cruelty. Remember, you have Amazon Prime. You can get the free two day shipping and you will have plenty of time to read reviews and make this very important decision because your kids are in summer “camp” which is actually just another word for school in the summer because OH MY GOD you were so tired that day you had to have them home all day with you and you couldn’t go to your restorative flow class at yoga. And that was also the day something went terribly wrong with the homemade glitter cloud dough recipe that was supposed to go in their sensory bin and the very same day that they were out of soy milk at Starbucks and you had to immediately email corporate to let them know that duh, they should actually be selling almond milk and/ or coconut milk. Get with it Starbucks. Soy is so 90s. Ugh, but you digress. The tiffin. The bento boxes…

2. One Week Later: The bento boxes and tiffins have arrived. So has your childrens’ school’s annual list of school supplies that you must purchase and deliver. It is three and a half pages long. It includes a ten pound bag of flour and several cleaning products and also requests a Costco-sized package of toilet paper.

3. Begin frantic online search for backpacks and school bags made from all natural materials yet still “cool.” Have them monogrammed.

4. Take kids shopping at the mall for new school clothes. Buy them each a completely new wardrobe from Gymboree and Crew Cuts. Spend $2,387.07 on your credit card.

5. Take children to the child psychologist to prepare them mentally for the difficult transition to a new grade, new teacher and new classroom.

6. Intently study the allergy list the school has sent you which lists all the items that other children in your children’s classes are allergic to and thus cannot be sent in your child’s lunch either. This is extremely stressful because the last thing you (or anyone) wants to be responsible for is sending a second grader into anaphylactic shock. Make notes on your phone so you can remember what not to buy when you go to Whole Foods.

7. Purchase school supplies for your children. Not to be confused with the 3 1/2 page list of classroom supplies you are also responsible for. They will need paper, pens, folders, notebooks, a calligraphy set, fifteen new apps for their tablets, a graphing calculator, a scalpel, an electron microscope and a centrifuge.

8. Go to Whole Foods to shop for school lunch items. This will take 4 hours and 15 minutes because you have to read every single label to make sure you are purchasing organic, locally sourced, non-GMO, gluten-free, allergy friendly products. You come home with tahini, bananas and a package of brown rice cakes. You somehow spent $76.19.

10. The night before the first day of school prepare the bento boxes. Fill containers with organic, local strawberries intricately cut into the shapes of sea creatures. Include homemade, nut free granola made with certified gluten-free oats. Make a sandwich on vegan hemp bread out of tahini, kale and jicama. Form it into the shape of your child’s favorite Disney character. Make flowers out of non-dairy cheese slices, olives and seaweed. Photograph the finished Bento Box and post it to Instagram.

11. Write your child an encouraging note which includes an inspirational quote.

12. Include a sheet of stickers for good measure.

13. Fill a Siig bottle with filtered water and also include a box of chilled coconut water in the Bento Box because children can never be too hydrated. Ever.

14. Blog about this experience. Pray it goes viral and is picked up by HuffPo.

15. Get up at four in the morning on the first day of school. Make first day of school signs for each child to hold as you photograph them on the front step. Make a bunting to hang above the front door. Blow up balloons. Actually, go ahead and make a full on back to school photo booth.

16. Make pancakes in the shape of the letters of the alphabet.

17. Dress kids in coordinated outfits and spend 35 minutes posing and photographing them (with your phone).

18. Load everyone into the car to drive them to school.

19. When they are safely in their new classrooms, return to your car to cry for the next 20 minutes. But it’s okay, really. You’ll be back in six hours to pick them up and drive them to Synchronized Swimming, Cello and Urdu classes this afternoon.
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