Famous Last Words Of Really Stupid People
- Quick, they’ll never find us if we hide here.
- Don’t worry, it’s not used any more.
- Step back a bit, I can’t get you in the picture.
- So they finally fixed this elevator yesterday?
- Listen, I’m taking a course in chemistry, I know what I’m doing.
- Yes, of course the elastic is strong enough.
- It’s ok so long as you stay down wind.
- Hey, don’t worry, it isn’t loaded.
- I thought it tasted rather strange.
- Darling, did you remember to turn off the gas?
- Gee, what a cute little Pit Bull.
- And that one over there, the red flashing one, what does that mean?
- I’ve never had one of these fail to open before.
- Are you sure they don’t mind you taking their honey?
- It’s ok, I saw them do it on TV.
Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, “Your son go back to college yet?”
“Two days ago.”
“Mine’s a senior this year, so it’s almost over. In May, he’ll be an engineer. What’s your boy going to be when he gets out of college?”
“At the rate he’s going, I’d say he’ll be about thirty.”
“No, I mean what’s he taking in college?”
“He’s taking every penny I make.”
“Doesn’t he burn the midnight oil enough?”
“He doesn’t get in early enough to burn the midnight oil.”
“Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?”
“Sure has! It’s totally cured his mother of bragging about him!
How Dogs And Men Are Alike
- Both take up too much space on the bed.
- Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
- Both are threatened by their own kind.
- Both mark their territory.
- Both are bad at asking you questions.
- Both have an inordinate fascination with women’s crotches.
- Neither does any dishes.
- Both pass gas shamelessly.
- Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
- Both like dominance games.
- Both are suspicious of the postman.
- Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
- Neither understands what you see in cats.
Go See Your Grandmother
A teenager goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him.
While he’s talking to his grandmother, his friend finishes off some Peanuts on the coffee table. As they’re leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, “Thanks for the peanuts.”
She says, “Sure, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off ‘em.”
My Town Is So Tough…
· Hotels ask your name, address and next of kin to register.
· Ice-cream trucks play “taps”.
· Gun shops have “Back to School” sales.
· High school newspapers have obituary columns.
· Restaurants serve broken leg of lamb.
· Most people in bowling alleys bowl overhand.
· Schools require a sick note to be co-signed by a parole officer.
· Christmas pageants feature the three Wise Guys.
· Advice columns provide hints like how to get blood off of a chain saw.
· Our 911 emergency service has a two day waiting list.
· “Honor students” practice saying, “Yes, your honor” and “No, your honor”.
· Mothers give their kids $5 every day for the holdup man.
· Forgery 101 and Advanced Counterfeiting are required subjects.
Hell Yes You Need To Work Out!
A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed.
“I’m so ashamed, Doctor,” she said, “I guess I let myself go.”
The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. “Don’t feel ashamed, Miss. You don’t look that bad.”
“Do you really think so, Doctor?” she asked.
The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, “Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo.”
Notes Left For The Milk Man
Remember the good old days? After reading these, I realize why they stopped door-to-door delivery!!!
· I’ve just had a baby, please leave another one.
· Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk.
· Cancel one pint after the day after today.
· Please don’t leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
· Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
· Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
· Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.
· Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I’ve been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
· Sorry about yesterday’s note. I didn’t mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.
· When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
· Please knock. My TV’s broken down and I missed last night’s Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?
· My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?
· Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbor told me.
· Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.
· Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
· From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don’t want any milk.
· My back door is open. Please put milk in ‘fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.
· Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.
· When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don’t leave any milk.
· No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. “Don’t you want her name engraved upon it?” asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,
“No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again.”
The Human Resources Dictionary
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY”
We have no time to train you.
“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE”
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up.
“MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED”
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED”
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
“DUTIES WILL VARY”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”
We have no quality control.
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
“APPLY IN PERSON”
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE”
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE”
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST”
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS”
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS”
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want, and do it.
Who Needs Class
“Jim,” a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, “do you mind telling me whose class you’re cutting this time?”
“Like,” the young teen replied, “uh, see, okay, like it’s like, I really don’t like, think like, that’s really important, y’know, like because I’m, y’know, like I don’t get anything out of it.”
“It’s Mrs. Dulls’ English class, isn’t it?” replied the teacher.