Garry Shandling on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson – 1981
Honest Marriage Vows That Couples Should Actually Make
1. “I vow to always move your shoes out of the middle of the floor, no matter how many times a day your feet decide to leave them there.” — Lyle S.
2. “I promise to never, ever hide mushrooms in anything. Ever.” — Kyleigh K.
3. “I promise not to spoil ‘Walking Dead’ or ‘Game of Thrones’ for you — unless you seriously piss me off.” — Bernice G.
4. “I vow to grab your butt every day we’re together forever and ever.” — David J.
5. “I promise to always listen, even when you ramble.” — Christina C.
6. “Do you promise to not leave just one swallow of tea in the pitcher in the refrigerator, and do you promise to empty one carton of milk before you open another one?” — Robin T.
7. “I promise not to eat your candy stash, even if I do feel like you’re taking way too long to bust into it.” — Amelia S.
8. “Do you promise to always let me be the shoe in Monopoly, and never stick me with the thimble when we play with friends?” — Chris B.
9. “Do you promise to not fall asleep when I pick the movie on Netflix?” — Daggermouth R.
10. “I promise not to tell you the ending of a movie I haven’t seen yet or the conclusion of a book that I’m currently reading.” — Debra Lynn B.
11. “I promise to always give you the least burnt pieces of bacon when I make bacon.” — Felicia E.
12. “I promise to keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.” — Emily G.
13. “I promise to align my dishwasher loading technique with yours.” — Deb K.
14. “I vow to always let the driver pick the route. We read somewhere that there’s always six ways to get anywhere, so why fight about it?” — Jody B.
15. “Do you promise to always try a new restaurant with me and never without me?” — Sourma K.
16. “I promise to always pee with the door shut to keep the mystery alive.” — Katie S.
17. “I promise not to talk over you especially when I know you’re right.” – Cee Cee
18. “I promise to stop answering your question of ‘Where should we go eat?’ with the question of ‘I don’t know, where do you want to go eat?’” — Sarah B.
19. “I promise not to look at you like, ‘I’m surprised you don’t already know this.’” — Terri H.
20. “I vow to make sure we aren’t just hangry before yelling at each other.” — Kristin Y.
21. “I promise to always have the house stocked with bacon and toilet paper!” —Brittany S.
22. “I promise never to ask you to hold my purse”. -Vonnie W.
Old Ladies with Tattoos
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced tongues?
If You’ve had Kids You’ve Said
1. Where’s your other shoe?
2. Use your words!
3. Where did you see it last?
4. There! The foods aren’t touching anymore! You can eat it!
5. No, that was your last five minutes. It’s time to go!
6. You have to actually move the toothbrush to clean your teeth.
7. Do you really have to hang out in the bathroom while I do this?
8. Yes, when I was a kid they had television.
9. No, we didn’t have iPads.
10. Stop licking the window!
11. No, you can’t sleep on the couch.
12. Give me back my phone. Now. Hey! Come back here!
13. I just looked under your bed and in the closet. No monsters, I promise.
14. The ice cream shop is closed today.
15. We’ll come back another time.
16. Put it back!
17. You need to use soap when you wash your hands.
18. Get up off the ground!
19. If you play “Uptown Funk” one more time I am going to lose my mind.
20. I love you to the moon and back.
Actual notations written on medical charts
• The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
• Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
• The skin was moist and dry.
• Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
• She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
• Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
• The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
• I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
• The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
• Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
• Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
• While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
• The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
• The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
• Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
• Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
• Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
• Patient was alert and unresponsive.
• When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
A Few Dinosaurs Short Of A Full Tank
When Mr. Dave Barry wrote this piece (“We’re just a few dinosaurs short of a full tank”) in the year 2000, I have to wonder if he knew it would be just as apt years later as it was then.
If you’ve been to a gas station lately, you have no doubt been shocked by the prices: $1.67, $1.78, even $1.92. And that’s just for Hostess Twinkies. Gas prices are even worse.
Americans are ticked off about this, and with good reason: Our rights are being violated! The First Amendment clearly states: “In addition to freedom of speech, Americans shall always have low gasoline prices, so they can drive around in ‘sport utility’ vehicles the size of minor planets.”
And don’t let any so-called “economists” try to tell you that foreigners pay more for gas than we do. Foreigners use metric gasoline, which is sold in foreign units called “kilometers,” plus they are paying for it with foreign currencies such as the “franc,” the “lira” and the “doubloon.” So in fact there is no mathematical way to tell WHAT they are paying.
But here in the U.S. we are definitely getting messed over, and the question is: What are we going to do about it? Step one, of course, is to file a class-action lawsuit against the cigarette companies. They have nothing to do with gasoline, but juries really hate them, so we’d probably win several hundred billion dollars.
But that is a short-term answer. To truly solve this problem, we must understand how the oil business works. Like most Americans, you probably think that gasoline comes from the pump at the gas station. Ha Ha! What an idiot. In fact, the gasoline comes from tanks located UNDER the gas station. These tanks are connected to underground pipelines, which carry large oil tankers filled with oil from the Middle East.
But how did the oil get in the Middle East in the first place? To answer that question, we must go back millions of years, to an era that geologists call the Voracious Period, when giant dinosaurs roamed the Earth, eating everything that stood in their path, except for broccoli, which they hated.
And then, one fateful day (Oct. 8), a runaway asteroid, believed by scientists to be nearly twice the diameter of the late Orson Welles, slammed into the Earth and killed the dinosaurs, who by sheer bad luck all happened to be standing right where it landed. The massive impact turned the dinosaurs, via a process called photosynthesis, into oil; this oil was then gradually covered with a layer of sand, which in turn was gradually covered by a layer of people who hate each other, and thus the Middle East was formed.
For many years, the Middle East was content to supply the United States with as much oil as we wanted at fair constitutional prices. But then the major oil-producing nations — Saudi Arabia, Iran, Iraq, Kuwait and Texas — got all snotty and formed an organization called OPEC, which stands for “North Atlantic Treaty Organization.”
In the 1970s, OPEC decided to raise prices, and soon the United States was caught up in a serious crisis: The Disco Era. It was horrible. You couldn’t go to a bar or wedding reception without being ordered onto the dance floor to learn “The Hustle.”
At the same time, we also had an oil crisis, which was caused by the fact that every motorist in the United States was determined to keep his or her automobile gas tank completely filled at all times. As soon as your gas gauge dropped from “Full” to “Fifteen-sixteenths,” you’d rush to a gas station and get in a huge line with hundreds of other motorists who also had nearly full tanks.
Also a lot of people, including me, saved on heating oil by buying kerosene space heaters, which enabled us to transform a cold, dank room into a cold, dank room filled with kerosene fumes. Buying gas and dancing “The Hustle” with people who smelled like kerosene: That was the `70s.
So anyway, the oil crisis finally ended, and over time we got rid of our Volkswagen Rabbits and replaced them with Chevrolet Suburban’s boasting the same fuel economy as a tank. Now, once again, we find ourselves facing rising gas prices, and the question is: This time, are we going to learn from the past? Are we finally going to get serious about energy conservation?
Of course not! We have the brains of mealworms; So we need to get more oil somehow. As far as I can figure, there’s only one practical way to do this. That’s right: We need to clone more dinosaurs. We have the technology, as was shown in two blockbuster scientific movies, “Jurassic Park” and “Jurassic Park Returns with Exactly the Same Plot.”
Once we have the dinosaurs, all we need is an asteroid. Or, if he is available, Marlon Brando.
If this plan makes sense to you, double your medication dosage, then write to your congressperson. Do it now! That way you’ll be busy when I siphon your tank.
I’m Not Saying He’s Stupid But…
• As smart as bait.
• Chimney’s clogged.
• Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash.
• Doesn’t know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
• Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
• Forgot to pay his brain bill.
• Her sewing machine’s out of thread.
• His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.
• His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
• If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
• Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
• No grain in the silo.
• Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
• Receiver is off the hook.
• Several nuts short of a full pouch.
• Skylight leaks a little.
• Slinky’s kinked.
• Surfing in Nebraska.
• Too much yardage between the goal posts.
• Big like ox, smart like tractor
• Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
New Drugs For Women
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.
ST. MOMMA’S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, “You make me want to be a better person.”
Inject able stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, o r to lift the toilet seat.
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.
ISIS TV Guide
6.00 G-Had TV. Morning prayers.
8.30 Talitubbies. Talitubbies say “Ah-ah”. Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher.
9.00 Shouts of Praise. More prayers.
11.00 Jihad’s Army. The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.
12.00 Ready, Steady, Jihad! Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday objects.
12.30 Panoramadan. The program reports on Americas attempts to take over the world.
13.30 Xena: Modestly dressed Housewife. Xena stays at home and does some cooking.
14.00 Only Fools and Camels. Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers to Hamas.
14.30 Green Peter. The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top appeal is revealed.
15.00 Madrasah Challenge. Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain asks the questions. ‘Starter for ten, no praying.’
15.30 I Love 629. A look back at the events of the year, including the Prophet’s entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols.
16.00 Question Time. Members of the public face questions from political and religious leaders.
17.00 Koranation Street. Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery.
17.30 Middle-East Enders. The entire cast is jailed for unislamic behavior.
18.00 Holiday. The team go on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.
18.30 Top of the Prophets. Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week running?
19.00 Who wants to be a Mujahadin? Mahmoud Tarran asks the questions.
Will contestants phone a mullah, go ‘inshallah’, or ask the Islamic council?
20.00 FILM: Shariah’s Angels. The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women.
21.30 Big Brother. Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week?
22.30 Shahs in their Eyes. More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the infidel.
23.30 They think it’s Allah over. Quiz culminating in the ‘don’t feel it the Mullah’ round.
0.00 When Imams attack. Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot.
00.30 a.m. The West Bank Show. Arts program looking at anti-Israel graffiti art in the occupied territories.
01.30 Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.
02.00 A book at bedtime. The Koran. Again.
Marriage Quotes By Men
• I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
• It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
• Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
• A man was complaining to a friend: ‘I had it all – money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!’ ‘What happened?’ asked the friend. ‘My wife found out…’
• Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
• How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
• A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, ‘Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!’ Martha replies, ‘Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?’ The man responds, ‘I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!’
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!
• I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months–I don’t like to interrupt her.
• If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
• A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
You Work For The Government If…
• You understand the rationalization of an acronym comprised of acronyms.
• You can name the project leader of more than 10 projects including your own, but still can’t explain in the simplest terms what they do.
• You know that the location of a meeting is directly related to its importance:
(1) A meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a contractor.
(2) The same meeting at Lake Tahoe requires your personal attention.
• You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym.
• You’ve sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards.
• The process becomes more important than the product.
• You don’t see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about.
• You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there.
• You realize that a paperless office is impossible. Actually, you believe it is possible, just not in your office.
• You keep documents/manuals on projects that have been long since canceled.
• You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering them.
• You fly across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money.
• You’ve sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different agencies.
• Your name plate is attached with Velcro.
• Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
• The office symbol on your badge is applied with tape.
• When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
• You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
• Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you loose your best jokes.
• Your supervisor doesn’t have the ability to do your job.
• You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
• You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.
• It’s dark when you drive to and from work.
• Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
• Communication is something your group is having problems with.
• You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
• Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
• Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
• Being sick is defined as can’t walk or you’re in the hospital.
• Art involves a white board.
• You’re already late on the assignment you just got.
• You work 200 hours for the $100 performance check and jubilantly say, “Oh wow, thanks!”
• Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
• Your boss’ favorite lines are “when you get a few minutes,” “in your spare time,” “when you’re freed up,” and “I have an opportunity for you.”
• Vacation is something you roll over to next year.
• Your relatives and family describe your job as “works with computers.”
• Change is the norm.
• Nepotism is encouraged.
• The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures hang in your cube.
• You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
• You can name more people that used to work with you than people who do.