Friday Fun Stuff – 12-15-23

Chanukah Hymns – SNL

Hanukkah Joke-Off

8 Jokes For Hanukkah

A) A is for A miracle: The true Hanukkah miracle is having exactly enough candles for the holiday because you found some that you didn’t use up last year

B) B is for Battery: A phone lasting all day on 1% battery is a modern-day reboot of the Hanukkah story.

C) C is for Candles: A remake of 16 Candles called 2 Hanukkahs.

D) D is for Dreidel: “want to take her out for a spin?” — dreidel salesperson

E) E is for Eventually playing with a dreidel:
“hey are there any fun Jewish holiday songs?”
“our biggest hit is about a dreidel”
“what’s that?”
“it’s a toy we play with”
“so the song is about playing with it?”
“no it’s actually about making it out of clay, and then thinking about playing with it later” 3

F) F is for Flying through these: The true Hanukkah miracle is that there was only supposed to be one spelling but turns out there are enough letters for eight different spellings! happy hanukkah, hanukah, chanuka, chanukah, chanukkah, blitzen, vixen, & rudolph!

G) G is for Gelt: “put your money where your mouth is” — the inventor of Hanukkah gelt

H) H is for Hard (comma, die) 6: Die Hard is a Hanukkah movie. Sure, will go with that.

Politically Correct Season’s Greetings

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

May you have a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally-accepted calendar year, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only “AMERICA” in the Western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual orientation of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Kids And Hanukkah

“Imagine an iPhone lasting eight nights on one charge” – Me, explaining Hanukkah to my daughter

Kid: Grandma and grandpa are coming for Hanukkah and bringing guilt.
Me: You mean gelt
Also me: Yup.

My next door neighbor growing up had a Catholic dad & a Jewish mom and got gifts for Hanukkah AND Christmas without ever setting foot inside a church or a synagogue. It angers me to this day!

To educate us on our Jewish heritage, my dad has cooked latkes tonight. So far I’ve learned breakfast for dinner is AWESOME.

For a Hanukkah gift, I’m gonna assemble my son’s birthday present from July.

I don’t think the architects of Hanukkah considered the long term psychological effects of giving a toddler a present every night. For eight consecutive nights.
We’ve got a monster on our hands.

In the time honored tradition of the third night of Hanukkah, our son was left incredibly disappointed.

A Lot Of Marriages Are Like That

A husband and wife were eating dinner at a nice restaurant when the woman says, “You know, without you I could never have made it through these last 35 years.”

The husband replies, “Is that really you talking, or is it the wine?”

“I was talking to the wine,” says the wife.

Rejected Chicken Soup For The Soul Books

10. Chicken Soup for the Man Boy Lover’s Soul
9. Human Soup for the Cannibal’s Soul
8. Chicken Soup for the Vegan’s Soul
7. Chicken Soup for White People with No Soul
6. Scalding Chicken Soup to Pour on that Bastard Who Just Cut Me Off
5. Chicken Soup for the Illiterate Soul
4. Kitchen Sopu for the Dyslexic Soul
3. Chicken Soup Enema: It’s Not Just for the Soul Anymore
2. Chicken Soup for the Deposed Dictator’s Soul
1. I Bet I Can Eat This Bowl of Chicken Soup in Less Than 30 Seconds for the Inveterate Gambler’s Soul

Annoying Boy On A Bus…

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ”If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I’d be a little
bull.’

The kid is quiet for a few second then yells “If my dad was a Lion and my mom a lioness I’d be a lion cub.

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little
elephant.”

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ”What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!”

The kid smiles and says, ”I would be a bus driver!”

I Get No Respect

1. “Good crowd…good crowd. I’m telling you I could use a good crowd. I’m ok now but last week I was in rough shape… Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
2. “I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle fought for the west!”
3. “My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.”
4. “When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father…I’m very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled through.”
5. “My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”
6. “My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.”
7. “My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.”
8. “When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.”
9. “I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
10. “Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.”
11. “What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!”
12. “I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.”
13. “One year they wanted to make me a poster boy for birth control.”
14. “I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof”
15. “My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.”
16. “I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.”
17. “I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning”
18. “Once when I was lost. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him…Do you think we’ll ever find them? He said I don’t know kid there are so many places they can hide.”
19. “I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor… so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said. On your mark…”
20. “On Halloween the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year, one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it’s different, when I answer the door the kids handed me candy.”
21. “When my old man wanted sex… my mother would show him a picture of me.”

Thank you, Rodney Dangerfield

How Cross Was She?

2 nuns are in a car when the Devil jumps on the car hood.

Sister Mary, alarmed by this, brings the car to a stop. She turns to Sister Jane and says, “Quickly sister, show him your cross!”

Sister Jane leans her head out of the window and screams,

“Hey! Get off our fucking hood!”

Top 16 Rejected Motel 6 Slogans

16. We’re working on that smell thing, too.
15. Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.
14. As seen on “COPS”
13. If We’d Known You Were Staying All Night, We’d Have Changed the Sheets
12. Not just for nooners anymore.
11. We left off the 9, but you know it’s there.
10. You rented the room, now buy the video.
9. Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn’t have money left over for a hooker.
8. We’ll leave the Lysol for ya!
7. Hey, we’re not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on “your” salary, pal!
6. We don’t make the adultery. We make the adultery “better”.
5. It’s Hookerriffic!
4. Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins
3. Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!
2. Cheap and Easy — Just Like Your Mother
and the Number 1 Rejected Motel 6 Slogan…
1. We put the “Ho” in “Motel”

Tax Time Cometh …

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is incarcerated. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1st, the penis will be taxed according to size.

The brackets are as follows:

10 – 12″ Luxury Tax $30.00
8 – 10″ Privilege Tax $25.00
5 – 8″ Pole Tax $15.00
4 – 5″ Nuisance Tax $3.00

Males exceeding 12″ must file under Capital Gains.

Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a Refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

Like He Didn’t Know He Was Early…Or At The Wrong House