Friday Fun Stuff – 7-4-25 | Friday Fun Stuff

Rowan Atkinson Live – Wedding From Hell

Middle Age Love (A Comedy Song by Riki Lindhome)

Better Responses To The Question “What Do You Do?” When You’re Unemployed

“I recently took some time off to find myself. I didn’t like what I found, so now I’m taking some more time off to find another, more employable, version of myself.”

“I think a more interesting question is ‘Who are you?’ The answer to which is: a complete stranger who just crashed this dinner party for the free finger food. Now are you going to eat that mini quiche, or what?”

“Oh, I do a little of this, a little of that. Can I be more specific? Yes, but for the sake of my dignity, I’d rather not.”

“Why, I’m just fine and dandy, my good sir! And how do you do? Oh, you said WHAT do you do? In that case, nothing.”

“Work? Pfft, who needs it? Except those who have mouths to feed, bills to pay, and a desire to feel like they’re a contributing member of society. But aside from that, who needs it?”

“I don’t do. I just be. And right now I be between jobs.”

“Fun fact: One day on Venus is equivalent to 243 Earth days. So, technically speaking, I’ve only been unemployed for, what, a day and a half? That’s nothing. Also, I’ve really gotten into astronomy in my time off.”

“I’m writing a novel.”

“Okay, fine. I’m reading a novel.”

“The title of the novel? The Tale of the Asshole at The Dinner Party Who Asked One Too Many Questions. I think you’d like it.”

“Unfortunately, I’m too busy tracking down my wife’s murderer by following the clues I’ve left for myself in the form of these copious body tattoos due to my retrograde amnesia. Is that the plot of the 2000 Christopher Nolan thriller Memento? I can’t remember.”

“I’m holding out for my dream job: master harpooner on a mid-19th century whaling vessel. Still waiting to hear back from a salty ol’ boatswain in Braintree, Massachusetts. Fingers crossed!”

“You go first! Wait, we can’t both be the head of neuroscience at Johns Hopkins Medical, and you’re not fooling anyone with that fancy white lab coat.”

“I’m a commercial deep-sea diver, and you have absolutely no way of proving otherwise.”

“Here, take my business card. You are correct. That is not, in fact, a business card. It’s a baby raccoon that I carry around at all times in the event that I need to cause a distraction during an uncomfortable conversation, such as this. Cute, right? Keep it. I’ve got several more in my home.”

“I’m freelance.”

Cool Kid

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go.

When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket.

Sure hope my kids return the favor

Finding A Husband Is Hard

1. You find a handsome one, the brain is empty.
2. You find a brilliant one. He looks too serious.
3. You find a rich one, he is disrespectful.
4. You find a hard-working one, he never has time for you.
5. You find a serious one, his EX keeps calling.
6. You find a humble one, he is broke.
7. You find a responsible one, he is not romantic.
8. You find an educated one, he feels he is always right.
9. You find an illiterate one, he always gets angry whenever you correct him.
10. You find a smart one, he lies every time.

Hot And Heavy Married

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth…in and out…in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point…Her heart was pounding…her face was flushed…then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted: “OK, OK! I can’t park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!!”

Proper Email Etiquette

“Per my last email” = “In case you suddenly can’t read”
“To reiterate” = “this is the last time I’m saying this”
“Moving forward” = “Don’t try me again”
“Live copied” = “Let’s see you lie your way out of this bitch”
“Kind Regards” = “Fuck you”

How Embarrassing Is He Going To Be When He’s A Teenager

(I am working a morning shift at a cafe. We are serving breakfast. A little boy and his mother enter the cafe.)

Me: “So, what will it be?”

Child: “I WISH TO DEVOUR THE UNBORN!”

(There is a sudden silence and everyone turns to look. The mother looks very embarrassed.)

Mother: “Eggs…he would like some eggs…”

The 5 Keys To Success

I recently talked to a 25 year old who made $50M last year, what are your 5 keys to success:

1. Wake up at 6 AM everyday and meditate
2. Read a book a week, at least 100 pages/day
3. Workout twice a day, morning and afternoon
4. Turn 25 and get $50M trust fund from dad
5. Drink a gallon of water everyday

If you put in the work, anything is possible!!!

Small Town Cops

Our small police force doesn’t have animal control on our base, but we usually only deal with the occasional stray dog and missing animal. Not today.

We get a call that one of the busiest roads in our small town is being blocked because a huge snapping turtle has taken up
residence in the middle of the road and refuses to move for anyone.

My fellow officer uses his nightstick to push the turtle off the road. Just as he gets to the grass, this HUGE snapping turtle shoots his neck out at lightning speeds and grabs the nightstick out of his hand, and it starts waddling off into the woods.

Two seconds later, I hear the officer key up the microphone.

Officer: “11-10, be advised, suspect is now armed and attempting to flee.”

When You Here These Things, Just Duck!

Son,
The five most dangerous things you are going hear in the Navy are:

A Seaman saying: “I learned this in boot camp.”
A Petty Officer saying: “Trust me….”
An Ensign saying: “Based on my experience.„.
A Lieutenant Saying: “I was just thinking….”
A Chief saying: “Watch This Shit.”

Who Will Fuck Anything?

“Men will fuck anything”

— Says the gender that uses cucumbers, carrots, tv remotes, water bottles, corn, knives, 17 different toys, and a water faucet to masturbate

Until Management Found Out And Raised It To $19.95 Again