Mad Of Steel
If Going To The Gynecologist Were Honest
Things NOT To Say On Dates For Guys
1. “Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?”
2. “I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.”
3. “No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it’s not good to mix alcohol and penicillin.”
4. “I refuse to get cable. That’s how they keep tabs on you.”
5. “People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell.”
6. “I used to come here all the time with my ex.”
7. “I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn’t hurt to consider it.”
8. “Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn’t hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.”
9. “I like clay. It’s mushy.”
10. “I really feel that I’ve grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn’t have given someone like you a second look.”
11. “And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.”
12. “I know you said you don’t eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.”
13. “It’s been tough, but I’ve come to accept that most people I date just won’t be as smart as I am.”
14. “Dropping my pants just scared them. But when my underwear hit the ground… Man! I never knew Jehovah’s Witnesses could run that fast.”
Important Health Issue
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.
Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately. And with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas. Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include: Dizziness, Nausea, Vomiting, Incarceration, Erotic lustfulness, Loss of motor control, Loss of clothing, Loss of money, Loss of vir ginity, Table dancing, Headache, Dehydration, Dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke.
WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not, may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them, may cause you to think you can sing, and make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
Please share this with others who may need Margarita therapy.
• I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
• Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
• I won’t rise to the occasion, but I’ll slide over to it.
• Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
• Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
• I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
• Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
• Okay, who put a “stop payment” on my reality check?
• Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
• We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
The English Language
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let’s face it English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don’t fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn’t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn’t the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn’t a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
But when I wind up this observation,
Every day, people call computer companies, looking for help, trying to get parts for their machines or just trying to understand their new (and sometimes confounding) toys. The following are quotes from actual calls to the sales department of a major computer company. And you think you have a tough job.
“I need to increase the DIMM-RIMM on my computer. I have a 31 in there now.”
“I want to buy a mother box.”
“What if your mouse has a shortage in it?”
“I won a computer from Kelloggs, but it doesn’t have a serial number.”
“I was calling for tentacle support.”
“I’m going to put the phone by the window so you can look at the garden while I get my credit card.”
“I’m getting a divorce, and I’ve been e-mailing this other guy. If I get a new hard drive, and replace the old one, will that destroy the evidence?”
“I was talking to tech support, and they said I’ve got to buy a new monitor because the old one was damaged by a surcharge.”
“Is my computer paid off yet? Every time I buy something, my balance keeps
“Can I transfer the Internet from my old computer to my new one?”
(Entry from tech notes): “Client tried to create a network using only one computer.”
“My computer was making a knocking noise inside the box, and they say they
can’t fix it because of the roaches inside.”
Rep: “The keyboard costs $54 including shipping and handling.”
Customer: “Is that for the whole keyboard?
“Is it easy to install? He’s pretty intelligible with fixing things.”
“Do you have the keys E, R, F and N for a laptop?”
“I need some CO2 cartridges for my printer.”
Rep: Your system came with two 32MB chips—have you added any to that?
Customer: Yes, I put in another chip.
Rep: How big a chip did you add?
Customer: I don’t know. But I took it out and sent it back.
“I need to talk to someone in the service department—I’m not getting any.”
“Can I get my computer faster if I fax you that money order?”
“I’m trying to get the Internet, but you people never gave me an e-mail address!”
“Does that scanner come with software to make the pictures edible for Microsoft Word?”
“How do I put my CDs in the binder? They only have one hole, and the binder has two rings.”
The Feline Diet
Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people — such as getting lots of table scraps — most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you’ll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can — and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.
Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse’s or partner’s plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.
Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.
Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.
Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.
Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food — tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.
Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse’s or partner’s cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.
Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with it on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.
Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.
Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse’s or partner’s pillow.
Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night’s chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.
Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.
Food For Thought
“Artichokes … are just plain annoying … After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual ‘food’ out of eating an artichoke as you would licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead.” — Miss Piggy
“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.” –Sam Levinson
“This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn’t say how far to separate them.” — Gracie Allen
“I’ve been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.” — Erma Bombeck
“I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.” — Joe E. Lewis
“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead — not sick, not wounded — dead.” — Woody Allen
“Food is an important part of a balanced diet.” — Fran Lebowitz
“Health food makes me sick.” — Calvin Trillin
“Watermelon — it’s a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face.” — Enrico Caruso
“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” — Robert Orben
1. You started at the bottom — and it’s been downhill ever since.
2. You are so boring that you can’t even entertain a doubt.
3. I don’t mind that you are talking so long as you don’t mind that I’m not listening.
4. I heard that when you were born, your father threw rocks at the stork.
5. I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
6. You must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage this morning.
7. I would ask you how old you are, but I know you can’t count that high.
8. You make me believe in reincarnation. Nobody can be as stupid as you in one lifetime.
9. Believe me, I don’t want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?
10. I hear you are very kind to animals, so please give that face back to the gorilla.
11. Keep talking. I always yawn when I’m interested.
12. Some day you will find yourself — and wish that you hadn’t.
13. Why don’t you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance?
14. I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?
15. You have an inferiority complex — and it’s fully justified.
16. You are not as bad as people say — you are worse!
17. Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison the tea.
18. I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
19. Whom am I calling “stupid”? I don’t know. What’s your name?
20. Take a vacation; go to Club Dead.
My wife just left, and the well went dry.
My horse is sick and about to die.
Then my still blew up and the barn burned down,
And the road washed out on the way to town.
Then my dog got rabies and bit the cat,
And they both died soon after that.
Now I lost my specs, and my pipe-stem broke,
So I can’t even sit and read and smoke.
A tree fell on the chicken shed,
And most of the hens got smashed plumb dead.
Then a chimney fire took half of a wall,
And this old shack is about to fall.
Then I caught my heel on an old dead vine,
And sat smack dab on a porcupine.
Then a beaver dam broke and my bridge washed out,
And my watch stopped working and I’ve got the gout.
And the bank foreclosed, so I’ve lost my place,
And my cow disappeared without a trace.
They cut off my credit at the grocery store,
And I lost my job and a whole lot more.
I must have been hexed by a triple curse,
As things keep going from bad to worse.
And now fate has hit me a last dirty crack,
To top off the worst ….. my wife’s coming back!
Things You Do Not Want To Hear From Tech Support
1. “Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?”
2. “…that’s right, not even McGyver could fix it.”
3. “So — what are you wearing?”
4. “Duuuuuude! Bummer!”
5. “Looks like you’re gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap’n.”
6. “Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you’re with ’60 Minutes’. Press 3 if you’re with the FTC.”
7. “We can fix this, but you’re gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.”
8. “I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
9. “In layman’s terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.”
10. “Hold on a second… Mom! Timmy’s hitting me!”
11. “Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of ‘Dianetics’.”
12. “Please hold for Mr. Gates’s attorney.”