Toy Story 3 Rejected Characters
How To Delete Facebook
Facebook is weathering another major controversy over the amount of personal data it collects and disseminates to third parties, raising even more concerns over how little privacy anyone using their platform truly has. So to assist our users, we’ve put together this helpful handy guide on how to delete your Facebook once and for all:
1. Post about how disgusted you are by Facebook’s sketchy data collection practices and other things about them you don’t like (e.g. Mark Zuckerberg’s weird featureless face)
2. Delete Facebook (well, “deactivate”, you’re not ballsy enough to actually choose the delete option)
3. Post on Instagram and Twitter about how you deleted Facebook. Also Snapchat. And Pinterest too, why not?
4. Immediately get a crazy case of FOMO 12 hours afterwards and quietly reactivate just to see if any of your friends had any parties and didn’t invite you
5. Do it all again every 6 months until you die
Books On Tape We Will Never Hear
• The Torah as read by Louis Farrakhan
• The Koran as read by Sammy Davis Junior
• The Anarchist’s Cookbook as read by Theodore Kaczinsky
• How To win Friends and Influence People as read by Dennis Rodman
• Europe on $10 a Day as read by Steve Forbes
• The Godfather as read by John Gotti
• Mr. Boston’s Bar Guide as read by Ted Kennedy
• Heather has 2 Mommies as read by Jesse Helms
• The Physician’s Desk Reference as read by Dr. Jack Kevorkian
• Catcher in the Rye as read by Mark Chapman
• Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus as read by 2 Live Crew
• Presumed Innocent as read by OJ Simpson
• Bridges of Madison County as read by Howard Stern
• I’m Ok You’re Ok as read by Rush Limbaugh
• The Pledge of Allegiance as read by Osama Bin Laden
• Thirty Days to a Stronger Vocabulary by Homer J. Simpson
• Success for Dummies as read by Ross Perot
How To Use Your Tax Rebate
For those of you that are getting a tax rebate this year, here are some things to consider.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs, if we purchase a computer it will all go to India, if we purchase fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala, if we purchase a good car it will all go to Japan, if we purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes and beer, since those are the only businesses still in the US.
The Dumbest Quotes
1. “I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.” – Arnold Schwarzenegger
2. “I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.” – Britney Spears
3. “I realize that my place and position in history is that I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade. I will be the loudest voice.” – Kanye West
4. “Al Gore’s not going to be rounding up Jews and exterminating them. It is the same tactic, however. The goal is different. The goal is globalization…And you must silence all dissenting voices. That’s what Hitler did. That’s what Al Gore, the U.N., and everybody on the global warming bandwagon [are doing].” – Glenn Beck
5. “Is this chicken what I have or is this fish? I know it’s tuna, but it says chicken.” – Jessica Simpson
6. “It may be tempting and more comfortable to just keep your head down, plod along, and appease those who demand: ‘Sit down and shut up,’ but that’s the worthless, easy path; that’s a quitter’s way out.” – Sarah Palin
7. “I’m so smart now. Everyone is always like, ‘Take your top off.’ Sorry, no! They always want to get that money shot. I’m not stupid.” – Paris Hilton
8. “All of a sudden, you’re like the Bin Laden of America. Osama Bin Laden is the only one who knows exactly what I’m going through.” – R. Kelly
9. “People all over the world recognize me as a spiritual leader.” – Steven Seagal
10. “There’s an old saying in Tennessee…I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee…that says, fool me once, shame on…shame on you. Fool me…you can’t get fooled again.” – George W. Bush (I know W. is famous for this but I’m only using one per customer this time.)
Men Vs. Women
a. If Laura, Kate and Diane go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Diane.
b. If Mike, Dave and Walt go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
a. When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
b. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
a. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
b. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.
a. A man has six items in his bathroom, toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
b. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
a. A woman has the last word in any argument.
b. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
a. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
b. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife
a. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
b. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
a. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
b. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
a. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
b. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
a. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
b. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
a. Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
b. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Cards You Will Never See In Hallmark
• “How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?”
• “If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it’s your sister.”
• “As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me. Like the need for therapy…”
• “Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!”
• “Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You’ll probably need it later.”
• “Sorry things didn’t work out, but I can’t handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine.”
• “I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.”
• “Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?”
• “You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket…. I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”
• “Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday —so we’re having you put to sleep.”
• “Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!” (available only in Arkansas)
Studying The Twinkie
In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess snack logs to the following experiments:
A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie’s surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds, even pigeons, avoided this potential source of substance. Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling however, retained its advertised “creaminess”
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for precisely 4 minutes – the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20 seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie’s rich, characteristic aroma of artificial butter. After one minute, this aroma began to resemble the acrid smell of burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes 10 seconds when thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top of the oven. A second Twinkie was subjected to the same experiment; this Twinkie leaked molten white filling. When cooled, this now epoxy like filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defying gravity: it was removed only upon application of a knife.
A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of approximately 120 feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto its back. The expected “splatter” effect was not observed. Indeed, the only discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside; otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally intact.
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical properties had noticeably “slowed”. The filling was found to be the approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the mercury like property of not adhering to practically any surface. It was noticed the Twinkie had generously absorbed the freezer odors.
A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its “cream holes” boiled, the Twinkie did not catch fire. It did, however produce the same “burning rubber” aroma noticed in the irradiation experiment.
A Twinkie was dropped into a large bucket filled with water, the Twinkie floated momentarily, then began to list and sink. Viscous yellow tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluble artificial coloring. After 2 hours, the Twinkie bloated substantially. Its coloring was now a very pale tan – in contrast to the yellow, urine-like water that surrounded it. The Twinkie bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous texture. After 72 hours, the Twinkie had increased roughly 200 percent of its original size. The water had turned opaque, and a small, fan-shaped spray of filling had leaked from one of the “cream holes”. Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further analysis were abandoned when, under light pressure the Twinkie disintegrated into an amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.
Summary of Results
The Twinkie’s survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the unusual phenomena associated with the “creamy filling” and artificial coloring, should give pause to those observers who would unequivocally categorize the Twinkie as “food”. Further clinical inquiry is required before any definite conclusions can be drawn.
Fun Things To Do During An Exam
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming “Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!”
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor’s left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m soooo sure you can hear me thinking.” Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, “I don’t understand any of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who are you? Where’s the regular guy?”
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . .). Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country” and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out “Merry Christmas. “If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turret’s Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he’s not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
Office Toilet Policy
Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established which will provide a more consistent method of accounting for staff, ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all.
On the first day of every month, all staff members will be issued twenty toilet trip tickets which may be accumulated.
All toilet doors will be equipped with computer-linked voice recognition devices. All staff must immediately provide management with two voice prints, one normal and one under stress.
Once an employee’s toilet trip bank reaches zero, the toilet doors will not unlock for the employee’s voice until the 1st of the month.
Additionally, all stalls are to be equipped with timed paper-roll extractors. Should the toilet be occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the door will automatically open.
If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be taken by a security camera and will appear on the Toilet Offenders Board. Any staff member appearing three times will forfeit three months’ toilet trip credits. Anyone caught smiling when the photograph is taken will undergo counseling by a clinical psychologist.
Please be advised that workman’s compensation insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop the toilet paper retracting into the dispenser.
Ideas About Science
The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain’s contention that the ‘most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.’
1. Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
2. We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
3. To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
4. In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H’s as O’s.
5. Clouds are high flying fogs.
6. I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
7. Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.
8. Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
9. Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
10. We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won’t drown when we breathe.
11. Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
12. Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
13. In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
14. Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.
15. A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
16. A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
17. A monsoon is a French gentleman.
18. Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
19. Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
20. It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.
21. The wind is like the air, only pushier.