Jokes – Work #1

Real Life 'Dilbert-type' Managers
“My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn’t edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.” (CIO of Dell Computers)Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.” (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

“We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.” (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying: “This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above.” (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company’s training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the “pedagogical approach” used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director’s office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn’t stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word “pedagogical” circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

“As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.”
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

“What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.”
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

“E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.”
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

“This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.”
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

“Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.”
(Plant manager, Delco Corporation)

“No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.”
R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
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Office Christmas Party!
December 1st
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols … feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis – Human Resources DirectorDecember 2nd
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis – Human Resources Director

December 3rd
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I’m happy to accommodate this request, but, don’t forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, “AA Only,” you won’t be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis – Human Researchers Director

December 7th
I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men’s table. Happy now?
Patty Lewis – Human Racehorses Director

December 9th
People, people-nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan,” there is no evil connotation to our own “little man in a red suit.”
Patty Lewis – Human Rat Racer

December 10th
Vegetarians-I’ve had it with you people!! We’re going to hold this party at Luigi’s Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the “grill of death,” as you put it, and you’ll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them right now. Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell!

December 14th
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Terri Bishop – Acting Human Resources Director
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10 Signs You Should Ask Your Boss For A Raise
10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.
9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.
8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.
7. You work full-time and you still qualify for food stamps (WalMart No Joke).
6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.
5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.
4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, “Charity Case — Return To Sender.”
3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.
2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.
1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.
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Actual Marketing Flops
Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn’t be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example…The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means “bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax” depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, “ko-kou-ko-le,” which can be loosely translated as “happiness in the mouth.”

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” came out as “Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.”

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan “finger-lickin’ good” came out as “eat your fingers off.”

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that “no va” means “it won’t go.” After the company figured out why it wasn’t selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for “tiny male genitals”. Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” However, the company’s mistakenly thought the spanish word “embarazar” meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that “It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of the desired “I Saw the Pope” in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed “I Saw the Potato.”

Chicken-man Frank Perdue’s slogan, “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken,” got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained “It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused.”

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means “big breasts.” In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Japan’s second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.
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Employee Evaluations
Check out these true and wacky quotes from actual performance evaluations of employees by federal government officials.“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.”
“I would not allow this employee to breed.”
“This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.”
“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
“When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”
“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
“This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”
“Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.”
“A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
“He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”
“I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”
“He’s been working with glue too much.”
“He would argue with a signpost.”
“He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
“When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”
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Office Toilet Policy
Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established which will provide a more consistent method of accounting for staff, ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all.On the first day of every month, all staff members will be issued twenty toilet trip tickets which may be accumulated.

All toilet doors will be equipped with computer-linked voice recognition devices. All staff must immediately provide management with two voiceprints, one normal and one under stress.

Once an employee’s toilet trip bank reaches zero, the toilet doors will not unlock for the employee’s voice until the 1st of the month.

Additionally, all stalls are to be equipped with timed paper-roll extractors. Should the toilet be occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the door will automatically open.

If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be taken by a security camera and will appear on the Toilet Offenders Board. Any staff member appearing three times will forfeit three months’ toilet trip credits. Anyone caught smiling when the photograph is taken will undergo counseling by a clinical psychologist.

Please be advised that workman’s compensation insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop the toilet paper retracting into the dispenser.
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Job Interview Quotations
Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.An applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.

An applicant wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.

An applicant fell and broke his arm during the interview.

A candidate announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer’s office.

An applicant explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer.

A candidate said he had never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.

A balding candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.

An applicant said that if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

An applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.

A candidate brought a large dog to interview.

An applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed while standing up.

One candidate dozed off during interview.

The employers were also asked to list the “Most unusual” questions that have been asked by job candidates.
“What is it that you people do at this company?”
“What is the company motto?”
“Why aren’t you in a more interesting business?”
“What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?”
“Why do you want references?”
“Do I have to dress for the next interview?”
“I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?”
“Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?”
“Will the company pay to relocate my horse?”
“Does your health insurance cover pets?”
“Would it be a problem if I’m angry most of the time?”
“Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?”
“Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?”
“Why am I here?”

Also included are a number of unusual statements made by candidates during the interview process.
“I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.”
“At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.”
“I feel uneasy indoors.”
“Sometimes I feel like smashing things.”
“Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.”
“I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.”
“I get excited very easily.”
“Once a week, I usually feel hot all over.”
“I am fascinated by fire.”
“I like tall women.”
“People are always watching me.”
“If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.”
“Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct.”
“I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.”
“I never get hungry.”
“I know who is responsible for most of my troubles.”
“If the pay was right, I’d travel with the carnival.”
“I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.”
“My legs are really hairy.”
“I think I’m going to throw-up.”
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Things To Watch For If You Suspect Downsizing
• Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club
• Dr. Kevorkian is hired as an “Out Placement Coordinator”
• The women are suddenly very friendly with the dorky Personnel Manager
• The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is in unlabeled cans
• Weekly yard/bake sale at Corporate Headquarters
• Company President now driving a Ford Escort
• Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to a Taco Bell
• Employee discount days at Army/Navy Surplus Store are discontinued
• Dental plan is now a Company supplied kit (String, pliers and 2 aspirin)
• CEO has a dart board marked with all existing departments in the Company
• People saying “Remember folks, we’re not Downsizing, we’re Rightsizing!!”
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You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When....
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, “What’s this?”
You realize you just dropped the company’s deposit in a mailbox.As you walk to your cubicle, you overhear a number of people say in a hoarse whisper, “Uh oh! He’s here! I didn’t think he’d have the nerve to even show up.”

A woman comes into the store, you turn to another salesman and say, “I waited on the last fat ugly old broad. This one’s your turn”.
Your boss was standing behind you. It’s his wife.

While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer.
You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.

You pull into the company parking lot and notice that not only is someone else’s car in your reserved parking space, but your nameplate is missing.

You come back from lunch and Mike Wallace as well as the entire “60 Minutes” crew meet you at the entrance, cameras rolling.

You return from a week’s vacation to find that you had scheduled this week as vacation, not last week.

As you sort through your morning mail, you notice one of the items is a Restraining Order obtained by your secretary.

You take a “sick” day. The next morning the boss asks you, “So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?”

You arrive early at work. Several other employees are scurrying from your work area with boxes containing your hard won office supplies and other assorted perks.

You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and bruised knuckles. Your underwear is missing. You’re in jail.
Last night was the company’s annual “End of Year” party.
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Fun Things to Ask Your Human Resources Representative
If you work for a decent-sized company, you’ve been forced to sit through a presentation by the Human Resources department reviewing your benefits. I guess they’re less liable if they can prove they’ve wasted an hour of your time reading from a company brochure. Here’s a list of questions to ask your HR representative during the presentation. Caution: for amusement only. Not liable for discontinued employment.Will my health plan provide clean needles for my heroin habit?

If I die, do I have to show up at work to claim my life insurance money or will it be mailed to me?

A man injures his lower extremities with a cheese grater that has the company logo on it. Should he call an ambulance or the firm’s legal department first?

OK so I rent a car and contract an STD from a lady of the night — who’s health insurance pays for my treatment — Alamo’s, my own, or Candy’s pimp’s?

If I contract Ebola, can I work remotely?

What does 401K stand for?

(Stated loudly, whilst shaking head vigorously) Hmmmm… I don’t like the sound of “being vested”. Noooo sir-eee.

If I am adopted, is it me or my host family that gets the free paid vacation under the Family Medical Leave Act? If it’s me then I’d like to pick Hawaii, please.

If I am accidentally disabled at the dentist’s office whilst on paid personal sick leave on a religious holiday, what form do I need to fill out?

Metallica are rock gods. (insert air guitar gesture here) Can I take a religious holiday when they’re in town next Thursday?

Will my pet hamster “Raggot” qualify as a dependant?

How about the voices in my head?

How about the little man who lives in my stomach?

“Well, THESE might qualify.” (reach into trousers)

Can a floating holiday be attributed to acid? What if I live on a house boat or rent “House Boat” the movie with Sophia Loren and Jimmy Stewart — can that be considered a floating holiday?

Do I have to work during the Apocalypse or Armageddon?

If I am unproductive because I have been reproductive, can I be compensated for the work I would have performed?

If I am dismembered in a forest and no one is there to see or hear it, will I qualify for coverage?

Is “sleepy” considered a long or short-term disability?<

Can I put anything besides money into my 401K? Like German bearer bonds, gold bullion, or Krugerrands for example?

Can I use sick leave if I am sick of work? Or sick of my boss? Actually, I feel a little sick right now. May I be excused?

Do genital enlargement surgeries get coverage? (act disappointed upon hearing answer) Could you please explain why not?! (raise voice)

Is there any way to realize my resource allocation management potential whilst leveraging my leadership achievement matrix?

What happens if my Qualifying Domestic Partner has a Qualifying Life Event?

What if my Qualifying Domestic Partner (QDP) gives me a Short Term Disability (STD)?

How do I increase the size of my paycheck? Can I do this online?

And finally…

“Yes, uh, if I quit the firm, do I still get paid? Why not?”
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10 Excuses For Sleeping At Work
1. ”They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
2. ”This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.”
3. ”Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!”
4. ”I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.”
5. ”I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.”
6. ”I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate toward people who practice Yoga?”
7. ”Dang! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”
8. ”The coffee machine is broken…”
9. ”Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot…”
10. ”… Jesus’ name, Amen.”
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Enron Economics
(If you haven’t heard, these guys finally got convicted!)Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

Communism: You have two cows. You must take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred through an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The Enron annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
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Basic Laws of Employment
1. If you’re unable to get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
2. Never become irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
3. After any salary increase, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
4. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
5. Whenever bosses talk about productivity improvements, they’re never talking about themselves.
6. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
7. If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. There’s no use being a damn fool about it.
8. A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the ass.
9. If you’re good, you’ll be assigned all the work. If you’re really good, you’ll know how to get out of it.
10. When you aren’t sure what to do, walk fast and look worried.
11. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
12. Consume one live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
13. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
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Consultant Humor
1. That was my first guess as well, but then I thought about it
2. You should see the hotel I’m staying at
3. Hey, I just realized that I was in junior high when you started working here
4. I like this office space. I’ll have them put me in here when you’re gone
5. My rental car is nicer than that junker you’re driving
6. Sure it’ll work; I learned it in business school
7. So what do you need me to tell you?
8. Of course it’s right; the spreadsheet says so
9. I could just tell you the answer, but we’re committed to a six month contract
10. What are you, stupid?

1. I’m a t-shirt and jeans kinda person
2. Do you pay overtime?
3. I hate flying
4. I’m useless without ten hours of sleep a night
5. There are lies, damn lies, and statistics
6. Are your rental cars covered for collision?
7. College taught me working in teams is great for slackers
8. I think three letter acronyms are for people too stupid to remember whole phrases
9. Two words: family first
10. Call it what you want, it still means firing people

1. Referred to the first month of your relationship as a “diagnostic period”
2. Talks to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late
3. Takes a half-day at the office because, “Sunday is your day”
4. Congratulates your parents for successful value creation
5. Tries to call room-service from the bedroom
6. Ends any argument by saying, “Let’s talk about this off-line”
7. Celebrates your anniversary by conducting a performance review
8. Can’t be trusted with the car — too accustomed to beating up rentals
9. Valentine’s Day card has bullet points
10. Refers to lovemaking as a “win-win” situation

1. Can’t stop using words that don’t exist
2. Worried that he who dies with the most frequent-flyer miles wins
3. Use so many “buzz words” in conversation, friends think you’re speaking a foreign language
4. Constant urge to give advice on subjects you know nothing about
5. Always hyphenating words that-don’t-need-to-be-hyphenated
6. Compose your grocery list using bullet points
7. Can fit the thematic undercurrents of War and Peace into a two-by-two matrix
8. Tired of having a social life beyond work
9. A two-page story in Business Week is all it takes to make you an expert
10. Firmly believe that an objective viewpoint means more than any real work experience

1. You’re right; we’re billing you way too much for this
2. Bet you I can go a week without saying “on board” or “value-added”
3. How about paying me based on the success of the project?
4. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read about
5. Actually, the only difference is that I charge more than they do
6. I don’t know enough to speak intelligently about that
7. Implementation? I only care about writing long reports
8. I can’t take the credit. It was George in your MIS department
9. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people
10. Everything looks OK to me, you’re doing just fine
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American Management
A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed.The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Management Audit Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate the loss and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and one person rowing.

So American management hired a consulting company and paid them an incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. Even new paddles and medical benefit incentives were promised for a winner. We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.

The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as bonuses.
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Clues That Accepting Your New Job Was A Mistake
1. First day on the job, I got up from my desk, walked 5 feet to a water fountain, took a drink, and walked back. My new boss screamed “Are you on break?!!”. I just looked, shutdown my computer and walked away. Moral of the story — Don’t yell at the only network admin2. Two hours into my first professional job, my new boss introduced me to a group as “Lorin, who worked at company X for seven years.” I looked at her funny and said I’d never worked there. She shrieked, “My God, I hired the wrong person!”

3. First day on the job, boss asks you to write down your list of hobbies. Why? Because he wanted to hand them back at the end of the year, to remind you what you used to do when you had free time.

4. Big news on the morning radio as you drive in the first day: Your new company has been acquired by your old company!

5. My first day on the job at my new company I was served with a subpoena in a discrimination suite.

6. After I accepted my new job they didn’t get me a computer for two months…. I was a secretary. My boss’s boss had a nervous breakdown & left after 3 months. My desk & chair arrived after 2 years & the director never knew who I was.

7. Fresh paint around the hole where the bullet exited through your cubicle wall

8. At the end of your first week of work, enough “old timers” have quit that you have the most seniority in your department.

9. The CFO asks if he could borrow a few bucks till payday

10. Sign over door says “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here”

11. When I came in the second day my new boss looked at me and gleefully said “Oh good!!! You came back!!!”

12. The guy who hired you is fired the next day.

13. Your new boss introduces you to your new coworkers saying “Here’s our latest victim, she’ll be trying to clean up the team’s 9-month backlog. Hope she lasts longer than all the others.”

14. When you actually know all there is to know by day two. And your co-workers are asking you for instructions.
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Drawbacks To Working In A Cubicle
• Being told to “Think Outside the Box” when I’m in the @#$%? box all day!
• Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.
• Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.
• That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.
• Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
• My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.
• Women: Damned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment.
• Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you take your pants off.
• 23 power cords, 1 outlet.
• Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
• When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
• Can’t slam the door when you quit and walk out.
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12 Valid Reasons Not To Come In To Work
1. I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can’t get off the john, but I feel good about it.

3. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

4. I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

5. If it is all the same to you I won’t be coming in to work.
The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet….

7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Savon.

8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.

12. The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.
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CIA Job Opening
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ‘We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. ‘Inside the
room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!’The man said, ‘You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.’
The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.’

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, ‘I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.’
The agent said, ‘You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife home.’

Finally, it was the woman’s turn.
She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
‘This gun is loaded with blanks’ she said. ‘I had to beat him to death with the chair.’

MORAL: Women are crazy. Don’t mess with them
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Are You A Prostitute Or A Consultant?
• You work very odd hours.
• You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
• You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.
• You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.
• You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price.
• You are not proud of what you do.
• Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
• It’s difficult to have a family.
• You have no job satisfaction.
• If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.
• You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
• People ask you, “What do you do?” and you can’t explain it.
• Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunions you attend.)
• Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you’re left hanging with only other “professionals.”
• Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
• Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
• Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs.
• Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain.
• You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it’s not your problem.
• When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).
• You are rated on your “performance” in an excruciating ordeal.
• Even though you get paid the big bucks, it’s the client who walks away smiling.
• The client always thinks your “cut” of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
• When you deduct your “take” from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.
• Everyday you wake up and tell yourself, “I’m not going to be doing this stuff the rest of my life.”
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Day Off
So you want the day off? Let’s take a look at what you are asking for….There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work.

We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be Damned if you’re going to take that day off!!!
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Best Boss Comments
The shit really does rise to the topAn Incentive For Good Work
One of the employees in my department resigned. Instead of filling the position at $30,000/year, I suggested an alternative incentive plan. Each month, the most productive worker in my department could earn a $1,000 bonus, if the department’s monthly goals were met. My Boss reviewed my proposal and rejected it — including the $18,000 annual savings. She said “What if this worked? Everyone in the company would want to work for you.”

Qualified For My Job
I work on a construction site as a carpenter. It is a union job and I am not supposed to do any digging. However, finding a laborer frequently takes too long and I occasionally do the digging myself.
The other day, my Foreman was walking through the job site on a rare tour with some ‘suits’ from the home office. When he got to my area, he caught me digging. I guess he was too occupied with the big wigs to notice that I was the carpenter. In his usual condescending manner he said “Too bad you didn’t finish high school, maybe then you wouldn’t have to do that digging”. I replied “Too bad I went at all, I could have been a foreman”.

The Cost of Cheating
After months of hard work, I closed a deal for $70,000,000. My customer bought the equipment because of our strong personal relationship and my company’s technical capabilities. Six months later they doubled the order.
My Bosses, thinking that they had closed the deal, limited my commission to a fraction of what it should have been. I found a new job and quit. A week later my customer moved the order to my new company.

Your Emergency
I am the manager of the secretarial pool. One night a Sales Rep came to my office in a panic. He said he had a very important proposal that HAD to go out that night. It was 5:00 o’clock, I was tired and I refused. Before I could leave the department the Sales Rep managed to reach the VP who called and ‘convinced’ me to get it done.
Before I started the proposal, I told the sales rep that I would miss my ride and as a result, I would be without a way to get home. With clear salesman charm, the rep offered to take me home. He said he would be waiting in his office upstairs.
Without that worry I went to work. I worked non-stop until 8:00 p.m. Proud of my accomplishment, I carried it up to the salesman’s office. The floor was empty and his office was dark. The cleaning crew said he left at 5:30.

The Right Elements
After two and one-half years of college I quit and got a job at a major retailer. I quickly learned the ropes and, within the span of eight months, began training the newly hired managers on how to do their job, as well as mine. I repeatedly asked to enter the management training program, seeing as how I already knew how to run the store and had already proven myself as an outstanding employee.
My district manager repeatedly denied my requests, while hiring management trainees with no retail experience or degrees in related subjects. I finally confronted my Boss when a fellow associate was promoted after being with the company for three weeks. She said “It takes experience and education to get ahead. You’ll need a college degree to be successful, here.”

A Security Breech
I was hired as a third shift security officer in a local chemical plant. The company was losing supplies and they wanted me to investigate. After just two weeks, I informed the Plant Manager that the foreman on third shift was carrying the goods off the rear docks. He said “My Brother?”

A Tough Time
One day my Boss noticed that we used a luxury brand of toilet paper – and the supply was running low. So he took the initiative to buy 24 rolls of recycled, cheapo, sandpaper-style paper, which he proudly boasted cost 20% less than the luxury brand. He made sure everyone knew about his cost saving exercise.
Later that day the President showed my Boss the maintenance contract. Our cleaning service buys all cleaning supplies.
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Bill Gates vs. GM
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

‘If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.’

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash……….Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Apple would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single ‘This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation’ warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask ‘Are you sure?’ before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You’d have to press the ‘Start’ button to turn the engine off.

PS – I’d like to add that when all else fails, you could call ‘customer service’ in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!
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New Employee Handbook
We will no longer accept doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.Operation:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all that you have. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you as you are. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Death (of Others):
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.

Death (Your Own):
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.

Restroom Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. This exchange must be approved by both employee’s supervisors.

Paycheck Guide:
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Gross Pay: $1222.02
Income Tax 244.40
Outcome Tax 45.21
State Tax 11.61
Interstate Tax 61.10
County Tax 6.11
City Tax 12.22
Rural Tax 4.44
Back Tax 1.11
Front Tax 1.16
Side Tax 1.61
Up Tax 2.22
Down Tax 1.11
Tic-Tacs 1.98
Thumbtacks 3.93
Carpet Tacks 0.98
Stadium Tax 0.69
Flat Tax 8.32
Surtax 3.46
Ma’am Tax 2.60
Parking Fee 5.00
No Parking Fine 10.00
F.I.C.A. 81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund 9.95
Life Insurance 5.85
Health Insurance 16.23
Disability 2.50
Ability 0.25
Liability Insurance 3.41
Dental Insurance 4.50
Mental Insurance 4.33
Reassurance 0.11
Coffee 6.85
Coffee Cups 66.51
Calendar 3.06
Floor Rental 16.85
Chair Rental .32
Desk Rental 4.32
Union Dues 5.85
Union Don’ts 3.77
Cash Advances 0.69
Cash Retreats 121.35
Overtime 1.26
Undertime 54.83
Eastern Time 9.00
Central Time 8.00
Mountain Time 7.00
Pacific Time 6.00
Bath Time 4.44
Time Out 12.21
Oxygen 10.02
Water 16.54
Heat 51.42
Air 46.83
Misc 144.38
Take Home Pay: $0000.02

Now, why don’t you contribute back to your employer and put in your own $0.02?
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