Batman Garage Sale With Adam West
A Geography Class For Racist People
What The Teacher Says And What The Teacher Means
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
(He was caught cheating on a test).
2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can’t stay seated for five minutes).
3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
(He’s definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).
4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don’t intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn’t done one assignment all term).
5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).
6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).
7. Your daughter’s greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).
8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He’s a bully).
9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
(Your son was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).
10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She’s so immature that we’ve run out of diapers).
11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner’s Guide).
12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year’s repetition of her learning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).
13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
(A mouth that never stops yacking).
The clerk asked me, “Cash, check or charge?” after ringing up my purchase.
As I fumbled through my wallet, she noticed a remote control for a television set in my purse.
“Do you always carry your TV remote?” she asked.
“No,” I replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him!”
Computer Problem Report Form
1. Describe your problem: __________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately: ______________________________ ________________________________________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
4. Problem Severity: A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__
5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Strange Smell__
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse? Yes__
10. Have you had “a friend” who “Knows all about computers” try to fix it for you? Yes__ No__
11. Did they make it even worse? Yes__
12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
13. Are you sure you’ve read the manual? Maybe__ No__
14. Are you absolutely certain you’ve read the manual? No__
15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
16. If ‘Yes’ then explain why you can’t fix the problem yourself. __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________
17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred? __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________
l8. If you answered ‘nothing’ then explain why you were logged in? __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________
l9. Are you sure you aren’t imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
20. Does the clock on your home DVR blink 12:00? Yes__ What’s a DVR?__
21. Do you have a copy of ‘PCs for Dummies’? Yes__ No__
22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__
23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes__ No__
24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__
25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__
26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet__
27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes__
Answers To 5 Of The Toughest Questions Women Ask . . .
There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in Sassy Magazine … women ask them anyway.
The Five Questions are:
“What are you thinking?”
“Do you love me?”
“Do I look fat?”
“Do you think she’s prettier than me?”
“What would you do if I died?”
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say honestly.
1. What are you thinking?
The proper answer to this question, of course is, “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.” Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
How fat you are
How much prettier she is than you
How he would spend the insurance money if you died According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, who said, “If I wanted you to know, I’d be talking instead of thinking.
2. Do you love me?
The correct answer to this question is “Yes”. For those who feel they need to be more elaborate, you may answer “Yes, dear.”
I suppose so.
Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
That depends on what you mean by “love”.
Does it matter?
I’m sorry, were you talking to me?
3. Do I look fat?
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, “No, of course not” and then quickly leave the room.
Wrong answers include:
I wouldn’t call you fat, but I wouldn’t call you thin either.
Compared to what?
A little extra weight looks good on you.
I’ve seen fatter.
Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4. Do you think she’s prettier than me?
The “she” in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by your were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is. “No, you are much prettier.”
Wrong answers include:
Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
I don’t know how one goes about rating such things.
Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
Only in the sense that she’s younger and thinner.
Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5. What would you do if I died?
Correct answer: “Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would of course hurl myself under the tiers of the first Domino’s Pizza truck that came my way.” This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
“Dear,” said the wife, “what would you do if I died?”
“Why, dear, I would be extremely upset.” said hubby “Why do you ask such a question?”
“Would you remarry?” persisted the wife.
“No, of course not, dear” said the husband.
“Don’t you like being married?” said the wife.
“Of course I do dear” he said.
“Then why wouldn’t you remarry?” she asked.
“Alright,” said the husband, “I’d remarry.”
“You would?” said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
“Yes” said the husband.
“Would you sleep with her in our bed?” said the wife after a long pause.
“Well, yes, I suppose I would.” replied the husband.
“I see,” said the wife indignantly. “and would you let her wear my old clothes?”
“I suppose, if she wanted to” said the husband.
“Really,” said the wife icily, “and would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?”
“Yes, I think that would be the correct thing to do.”
“Is that so?” said the wife, leaping to her feet. “and I suppose you’d let her play with my golf clubs, too.”
“Of course not, dear,” said the husband. “She’s left handed.”
Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out…
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing – which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as “marketing without a degree”, you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with “customers” so you can “concentrate on the big picture”. You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOGEEK: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying, but who the heck can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest “ergodynamic” gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your “carpal tunnel”…
ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a letter!
MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/ DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/ “TEAM LEADS”: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Middle Managers”, as everyone in your social circle is a “Middle Manager”.
SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision, you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Senior Managers”, as everyone in your social circle is a “Senior Manager”.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play “Customer Service”. Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
What Men Really Mean
• “I’m going to stop off for a quick one with the guys.” Really means…. “I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions.”
• “I heard you.” Really means…. “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and I am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”
• “You know I could never love anyone else.” Really means…. “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”
• “You look terrific.” Really means…. “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.”
• “I brought you a present.” Really means…. “It was free ice scraper night at the ball game.”
• “I missed you.” Really means…. “I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.”
• “I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.” Really means…. “No one will ever see us alive again.”
• “We share the housework.” Really means…. “I make the messes, she cleans them up.”
• “This relationship is getting too serious.” Really means…. “I like you more than my truck.”
• “I recycle.” Really means…. “We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.”
• “Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful.” Really means…. “Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?”
• “It sure snowed last night.” Really means…. “I suppose you’re going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.”
• “It’s good beer.” Really means…. “It was on sale.”
• “I don’t need to read the instructions.” Really means…. “I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.”
• “I’ll fix the garbage disposal later.” Really means…. “If I wait long enough you’ll get frustrated and buy a new one.”
• “I broke up with her.” Really means…. “She dumped me.”
• “I’ll take you to a fancy restaurant.” Really means…. “Someplace that doesn’t have a drive-thru window.”
Letter To The Public From Your Local Police Department
Your 5 year old kid getting pushed down by another 5 year old kid is NOT a police matter; talk to the other kid’s parents, not the police.
If your kid won’t do his homework or do his chores, 911 is not the answer.
If a cop causes a car accident we usually get a ticket, and sometimes we get suspended. When is the last time you got 3 days off (without pay) for rear-ending a guy at Wal-Mart?
We know you’ve had more than two beers. When I’ve had two beers, I didn’t hit six parked cars, drive my car through the front doors of a Toys-R-Us, pee my pants or pass out at a traffic light.
When you see an emergency vehicle behind you with its lights and sirens on, pull to the RIGHT, and stop. We are usually required to pass cars on the left.
When you’re driving in the fast lane and you see a cop behind you, don’t go 5 MPH under the speed limit. We are not impressed by how safe of a driver you can be, we’re trying to go help someone (or catch that guy in SUV that just cut you off). Safely move over and let us pass please.
If we park our cruiser across the road with lights flashing, don’t ask if the road is closed or if there is an accident, just take an alternate route and DON’T DRIVE AROUND US!
If you get a warning instead of a ticket from a cop, go buy a lottery ticket, because you’ve already beaten the odds.
When you see an officer conducting a traffic stop, or with a suspect in handcuffs, it is generally not a good idea to approach him and ask for directions. If you do, don’t expect the officer to be nice when he tells you to get lost, and don’t expect the officer to take the time to explain.
Here’s how to get out of a ticket. Don’t break the law.
If you drive a piece of crap, that is why you’re getting pulled over.
In one week I pulled over 10 cars for minor traffic violations. 5 out of 10 had no vehicle insurance. 3 out of 10 had suspended driver’s licenses. 2 out of 10 had warrants. 1 out of 10 had felony warrants. 1 was a known sex offender with his 12 year old niece in the car without her mother’s knowledge.
If you’ve just been pulled over doing 70 in a 35, do not greet the officer with, “What seems to be the problem, officer?”
We get coffee breaks too.
When you’re the victim of a burglary, take the time you spend waiting for the officer to find the model number and the serial number of the stuff that was taken.
Some cops are just jerks, but take heart in the fact that other cops don’t like them either.
If it’s night time, and you’re driving a vehicle with tinted windows and I pull you over, it’s not because of your skin color. I usually can’t tell if the vehicle even has a driver until the window is rolled down.
Every time you hear on the news about people running away from a crazed gunman, someone’s son or daughter in a police uniform is running TOWARD that crazed gunman.
Yes, it’s true, cops usually don’t give other cops tickets. Think of it as an employee discount, perk or benefit. Other cops are family and you wouldn’t give your brother a ticket if you were a cop either.
If your local police agency has a helicopter, everyone knows it’s loud and annoying, but did you know it can cover the same area as 20 patrol officers and safely chase criminals that are driving 90 MPH through city streets? Many times the guy has no idea it’s there and slows down.
Police work is… Writing reports.
If you rob a gas station you’re only going to get about $100, but I get to see a K9 dog use your arm as a chew toy. For all I care you can keep the $100.
In one year of patrol work in a large city, only about ten minutes would be cool enough to be on the television show Cops.
Every traffic stop could end in gunfire, but we have to be polite and professional until that time.
I’ve taken about the same amount of men and women to jail for domestic violence, so NO, it’s not always the man.
If the light was yellow, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.
Cops know you pay taxes and that your taxes pay cops’ salaries. Cops also pay taxes, which also pay cops’ salaries so, hey… this traffic stop is on me. Now sign here; press hard. There are several copies.
Police Officers… Our job is to protect your butt, not kiss it!
It’s Called Therapy
How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once everyone has gotten over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ‘For Marijuana’
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. At Lunch Time, Sit in Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ‘To Go’.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream ‘I Won! I Won!’
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, yelling ‘Run for Your Lives! They’re Loose!’
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, ‘Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.’
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
Never Choke In A Restaurant In The South
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, ‘Kin ya swallar?’
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!’
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. “Where the hell have you been all night?” she demands.
“At this fantastic new bar,” he says. “The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works – hell, even the urinal’s gold!”
The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story.
“Is this the Golden Saloon?” she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
“Yes it is,” bartender answers.
“Do you have huge golden doors?”
“Sure do.” “Do you have golden floors?”
“Most certainly do.”
“What about golden urinals?”
There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, “Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!