Tom Lehrer – So Long, Mom (A Song for World War III)
The Origins Of The Job Interview
Miscellaneous Quotes
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
-Steven Wright
I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.
-Steven Wright
I’m not the only taxpayer who has no idea what he’s sending to the IRS. This year, only 28 percent of all Americans will prepare their own tax returns, according to a voice in my head that invents accurate-sounding statistics.
-Dave Barry
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
-Steven Wright
If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.
-Steven Wright
Add a few drops of malice to a half truth and you have an absolute truth.
-Eric Hoffer
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
-Steven Wright
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
-Steven Wright
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
-Steven Wright
Here’s my proposal, which is based on the TV show Survivor: We put the entire Congress on an island. All the food on this island is locked inside a vault, which can be opened only by an ordinary American taxpayer named Bob. Every day, the congresspersons are given a section of the Tax Code, which they must rewrite so that Bob can understand it. If he can, he lets them eat that day; if he can’t, he doesn’t.
-Dave Barry
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
-P.J. O’Rourke
Scientists were rated as great heretics by the church, but they were truly religious men because of their faith in the orderliness of the universe.
-Albert Einstein
The Hebrews have done more to civilize men than any other nation. If I were an atheist, and believed blind eternal fate, I should still believe that fate had ordained the Jews to be the most essential instrument for civilizing the nations.
-John Adams
Good pitching will always stop good hitting and vice versa.
-Casey Stengel
If someone from Germany or somewhere, who had no idea what baseball was, saw Kruk play, he’d wonder what the beer truck driver was doing playing first base.
-Andy Van Slyke
I would think I drive most hitting coaches crazy. During one single at-bat I used six different stances on six pitches. Oh, yeah, I also struck out. So what do I know?
-John Kruk
Tomorrow’s weather is supposed to be sunny and hot. Tonight’s weather will be moony and cool.
-The Vent
France hasn’t figured out yet how to surrender to the weather.
-The Vent, after a recent spate of summer-heat-related deaths in France
Scissors Kills Paper, Rock; Turns Blade On Self
-The Onion
Organized violence punctuated by committee meetings.
-George Will, defining football
The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the sea searching for a suitable rock or hunk of coral to cling to and make its home for life. For this task it has a rudimentary nervous system. When it finds its spot and takes root, it doesn’t need its brain anymore so it eats it. It’s rather like getting tenure.
-Daniel C. Dennett, Consciousness Explained
…all nature is perverse & will not do as I wish it.
-Charles Darwin
Without men, civilization would last until the oil needed changing.
-Fred Reed
But Her Parents Had The Most Fun
Eight year old Annie returns home from school and says that today she had her first family planning lesson at school.
Her mother, very interested, asks: “Oh… How did it go?”
“I nearly died of shame!” she answers. “Sam from down the street says the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.”
Her mother answers laughingly, “But that’s no reason to be ashamed.”
“No… but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!”
Only in America . . .
Only in America…can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance…
Only in America…are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink…
Only in America…do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke…
Only in America…do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters…
Only in America…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage…
Only in America…do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place…
Only in America…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight…
Only in America…do we use the word “politics” to describe the process so well: “Poli” in Latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning “blood-sucking creatures”…
Might As Well Ask For A Good One
A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing.
The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he’s 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.
The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, “You can’t believe her. He’s 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face.”
The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.
She replies, “Just because I reported him missing, doesn’t mean I wanted him back!”
Top Ten Reasons Redneck Trucks Aren’t Stolen
10. They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, break down, or run out of gas.
9. Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.
8. It is difficult to find room to sit in the cab with all the tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, beer cans, boots, and loose papers.
7. It takes too long to start, and the smoke coming through the rusted floorboards clouds your vision.
6. The dog standing on the toolbox looks mean.
5. They’re easy to spot. The driver’s side door is red, the passenger door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.
4. The rebel flag in the back makes it hard to see. The mirrors would help if they weren’t covered with duct tape.
3. Top speed is about 45 mph.
2. Nobody wants a truck that needs u-joints, $3,000 worth of body work, taillights, and a windshield.
1. It’s hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.
Roses Are Red, Nuts Are Brown
Skirts go up, pants go down. Body to body, skin to skin. When its stiff, stick it in. It goes in dry and comes out wet and the longer it’s in,the stronger it gets, its comes out dripping and it starts to sag. Its not what you think its a LIPTON Tea bag.
Get your mind out of the gutter.
Vacation Complaints
These Are Actual Complaints Received By “Thomas Cook Vacations” From Dissatisfied Customers:
1. “They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.”
2. “On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.”
3. “We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.”
4. “We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.”
5. “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.”
6. “We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow.”
7. “It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ‘siesta’ time — this should be banned.”
8. “No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.”
9. “Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers.”
10. “I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.”
11. “The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun.”
12. “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This sems unfair.”
13. “I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends’ three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller.”
14. “The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the resort.’ We’re trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service.”
15. “When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners.”
16. “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.”
17. “It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”
18. “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.”
19. “My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”
Software Upgrades Can Damage Your Wealth
Dear Sir
Last year a friend of mine upgraded Girlfriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it’s a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources.
No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have since informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity.
He’s finding that some applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Beer Bash 2.5, and Pub Night 7.0 are no longer able to run, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 automatically installs undesired Plug-Ins such as Mother-In-law 55.8 and Brother-in-law Beta release. As a consequence, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features he’d like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0:-
1) A “Don’t remind me again” button.
2) Minimize button.
3) An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
*****************************************************************
Tech Support
Some people have decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 6.0. Even here, however, they found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 6.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which they should have been aware of. Apparently all versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port.
You would think they should have fixed such a stupid bug by now.
To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn’t work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.
Another annoying problem:
All versions of Girlfriend continually pop up annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.
***BUG WARNING***
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0 – Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before executing a self-unin-stallation. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient system resources.
***BUG WORK.AROUNDS***
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.
PS: Most women prefer men with a large RAM and CACHE availability.
What Each Wants
Why it’s a lot easier for women to deal with men then for men to deal with women.
What Men Want
Loyalty
Sex
Food
Encouragement
What Women Want
Loyalty
Money
Super Human Sex
Love
Gifts
Passwords
Phone Access
Email Account
Addresses
Contacts
Attention
Compliments
The Sun
The Moon
The Star
Your Time (all of it)
Receipts
Explanations
and the list goes on
Why Yes She Is Equipped For It
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion Of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.