The Perfect Man – Smack The Pony
Rental Car Agents from The Carol Burnett Show
Different Kinds Of Shit
Bullshit – Not True
Dogshit – Terrible
Horseshit – Nonsense
Apeshit – Angry
Batshit – Crazy
The Shit – The Best Quality
That’s How She Knows
WIFE: “There is a problem with the tractor. It has water in the carburetor.”
HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous”
WIFE: “I’m telling you the tractor has water in the carburetor”
HUSBAND: “You don’t even know where the carburetor is. Where’s the tractor?”
WIFE: “In the pool”
Drive Through ATM Procedures
Please note that Banks are installing new “Drive-through” teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.
1 Drive up to the cash machine.
2 Put down your car window.
3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6 Put window up.
7 Drive off.
1 Drive up to cash machine.
2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.
3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down.
4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
5 Turn the radio down.
6 Attempt to insert card into machine.
7 Attempt to insert card into machine.
8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
9 Insert card.
10 Re-insert card the right side up
11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
12 Enter PIN.
13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
14 Enter amount of cash required.
15 Check make up in rear view mirror.
16 Retrieve cash and receipt.
17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
18 Place receipt in back of checkbook.
19 Re-check make-up again.
20 Drive forwards 2 feet.
21 Reverse back to cash machine.
22 Retrieve card.
23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind.
25 Restart stalled engine and pull off.
26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27 Release Parking Brake.
A Boxing Day Poo
You sit upon the toilet
With everything prepared
You’re feeling quite excited but
A little bloody scared!
That huge amount of Christmas nosh
Has turned into a log
And now the fateful time has come
To flush it down the bog!
But first you must expel the beast
And so you start to strain,
You bite down on a piece of wood
To take away the pain
But oh my god, its bloody huge
It’s like you’re giving birth!
You sweat and push and swear and shake
and strain for all your worth.
And then that magic moment comes,
That fills your soul with cheer,
A turd the size of King Kong’s arm
Emerges from your rear.
And like a bomb it hits the pan
Thus lightening your mood,
And making room inside your guts
For lots more Christmas food!
I Always Wondered What They Were Called
A group of Crows is called a “Murder”.
A group of Wolves is called a “Pack”.
A group of Kids is called a “Migraine”.
Unfortunately, A Lot People Can Relate
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Man: A guy just got hit by a car, I need an ambulance.
Operator: What’s your location?
Man: I’m on Eucalyptus street.
Operator: Can you spell that for me?
Man: (long awkward pause)
Operator: Sir? Are you there?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to Pine street and call right back.
More Stupidity In The Courtroom
Prosecutor: “Did the officer observe a gunshot residue test conducted on the defendant?”
Prosecutor: “What did the defendant do right before the GSR test?”
Witness: “She started to lick her fingers.”
(Hearing on Defendant’s Petition)
Judge: “And where do you reside now?”
Plaintiff: “I’m not interested.”
Judge: “Not interested in what?”
Plaintiff: “In answering your question.”
Defendant (in traffic court): “I did stop. I counted to 3 and then I went.”
Judge (after seeing video of defendant run stop sign): “Well, I tell you what. I’m going to count to 3, then I’m going to find you guilty.”
Judge: “How long have you been without a license?”
Defendant: “It’s been a while.”
Judge: “A while?”
Defendant: “Since the ’70s.”
(Oral argument on an appeal regarding a nuisance case)
Judge: “What technical skills does the expert witness possess?”
Counsel: “Your honor, this is a world-renowned odor expert. He can spell a pig shit from a mile away.”
“May I please the Court, Your Honor?”
“No, sir. Sit down.”
Judge (attempting to determine indigence to appoint counsel): “Do you work?
Judge: “Are you in school?”
Judge: “How do you support yourself?”
Defendant: “Just vibing.”
Attorney: “What did you do to prepare for your deposition today?”
Witness: “I had a bottle of wine.”
Attorney: “Okay. Anything else?”
Attorney: “Did you see what happened after you left?”
Witness: “I wasn’t there after I left.”
Lawyer: “Can you describe what the person who
attacked you looked like?”
Witness: “No. He was wearing a mask.”
Lawyer: “What was he wearing under the mask?”
Witness: “Er…his face.”
Lawyer: “Did you blow your horn or anything?”
Witness: “After the accident?”
Lawyer: “Before the accident.”
Witness: “Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.”
Lawyer: “What happened then?”
Witness: “He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.’”
Lawyer: “Did he kill you?”
Lawyer: “Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?”
Witness: “I went to Europe, sir.”
Lawyer: “And you took your new wife?”
Lawyer: “Have you lived in this town all your life?”
Witness: “Not yet.”
A virus is going around called HOUSEWORK!
If you feel the need to start Housework, stop immediately!
This virus wipes out your social life! If you should come in contact with Housework, please remember the only known cure is CHOCOLATE!
Now What Do I Say?
Things you can say in response to literally anything, when you have nothing else to say:
• As the prophecy foretold.
• But at what cost?
• So let it be written; so let it be done.
• So…it has come to this.
• That’s just what he/she/they would’ve said.
• Is this why fate brought us together?
• And thus, I die.
• …just like in my dream.
• Be that as it may, still may it be as it may be.
• There is no escape from destiny.
• Wise words by wise men write wise deeds in wise pen.
• In this economy?
• …and then the wolves came.
Why Are You Single?
A Victorian magazine asked spinsters why they were single. This was voted the best response:
“Because I do not care to enlarge my menagerie of pets, and I find the animal man less docile than a dog, less affectionate than a cat, and less amusing than a monkey. “